Am I being silly to end my relationship because of this?

[goingcrazybones]

I've already ventured as far as suggesting I am calling time on our relationship but talks didn't continue yesterday as DP probably felt it best to let me cool down. I will have to discuss the issue sooner rather than later today and have no idea whatto say or do.

The thing that prompted my 'decision' was this.

About 3 weeks ago DP went away on a mini break with friends. All fine but we haven't spent a lot on us since the start of the Summer - one night out in London - and so we said we'd go out for a nice meal on his return and also that we'd plan a weekend away without any children before mid-November.

The weeks are rolling by and still we've not socialised together any evenings and we both agree (so I thought) this is a priority.

We've agreed to go out this Friday and are almost there with booking our weekend away, just last childcare bits to sort out.

We don't live together and during the day yesterday we arranged for me to stay at his last night. As soon as this was agreed DP said that he'd then go out with friends on Friday instead of me. I started out by saying something along the lines of "er, hello??? I'm not swapping our Friday night out just because I'm staying at yours tonight". This escalated to a discussion about the agreement to go out for dinner once he was back and that that hasn't happened and that he has regular mid-week 'me time' so it is hardly that he is lacking in that respect. He responded by saying he hasn't had a big night out with 'the lads' for a while (a few weeks) and that he assumed that as our weekend away is going to be very soon that I wouldn't be too bothered about this Friday.

He doesn't go out on benders with his male friends a lot and he has a lot of work commitments and has a great sense of entitlement to 'down time' alone. I have accepted this as part of him so I am not complaining about this though in an ideal world I'd expect more sacrifice from a partner. I am a divorcee and have had a very long term relationship end in the past so am beyond the notion of perfection.

We had a short but big row (me fuming and yelling how insensitive and selfish he was being, him saying he didn't want to listen to me) but he responded later by saying via text "you win, we'll go out Friday" I haven't replied to this yet. In fact, the last thing I'd said was that he was a rubbish boyfriend and that I'd had enough.

We had had a lovely weekend with stepchildren with us and so on but still I feel that his attitude stinks.

I know the score in our relationship in that he doesn't see the relationship as fundamental to his life (that's any relationship) and I chose not so long ago after some counselling to accept that. We have our friendship. He is selfish and that character trait pervades through his work and life in general not just with us and I have recognised that elements of that fact are part of what makes me happy in a relationship. I would certainly be unhappy in a relationship where I called the shots (my marriage was like this and a failure) so I have to live with the downsides of what attracts me to my partner. He loves me, I love him (but right at this moment cannot say that with conviction) but we both struggle with reconciling our past to the detriment of our relationship now.

I just don't know whether I do still want to tolerate the inadequacies even though the end of our relationship would be a great loss. I'm quite sick of being bottom of the pile after his work, the children, step children, his ex wife and now, it seems, his friends.

Is it good enough for him to say "you win?" or should the fact that he was keen to shelve our couple time be an alarm bell and a signal that time with me isn't as good as time with himself/his male friends?

We have a great time when together - something he acknowledges outwardly more than I do.

Just to say you sound like an intelligent woman and I'm so glad you've had the wake-up.

Your assessment of this is spot on - you take responsibility for allowing this relationship to develop into this position BUT you now acknowledge that it has to change.My feeling is that he can't change - why - 2 marriages and this relationship, plus the trite comments he's making to you.

You must be an incredibly strong woman to deal with the responsbility you have had solo - please believe that. Yes the vaccuum that will be left after the separation will feel big but you will get through it.

Don't tolerate this behaviour - he doesn't deserve you, I really hope you believe that. WI think counselling would be a good start for you - you have great self awareness and an excellent attitude..Some other man would bto delighted to treasure you.

PS I left a relationship which worked on some levels but we were never a couple. Fast forward a few years (some lonely times I admit) but I met my DH who wants to be with me, who misses me if we're apart, who plans and craves child free time with me...you deserve that

Well done for having your say. He doesnt seem to have taken you remotely seriously, having belittled and patronised you and blaming it on hormones, but IF he bucks his ideas up and starts behaving like a parent and a partner then fine. A good out turn. If he doesn't, well then, that will be the time to know whether you value yourself enough to look for something happier.

You've done well. Make sure you stick to it.

How many kids do you have?

I think you did a good job, but you'll have to stick to it otherwise it'll be worse than if you'd never said anything. i mean, if you say all that but then let the next week go by with you doing everything and him doing sweet F-A, you'll be showing him that you're a doormat.

I wouldn't be pushing for date-nights with a man as horrible as this. Eww. I'd be pushing for a separation agreement, a shared-residency order and lots of maintenance.

Well done for making a stand. I hope he does sit up and listen. I do think its unlikely though, given how much he has got away with over the years.

But at least you spoke up.

Oh, and next time don't tell him that lots of men would love to have you. That smacks of bravado. Stuff like that should go without saying, it just doesn't sound truly confident.

Get a copy of Why Men Love Bitches - it's a jokey title but the actual book is brilliant, it's like a map for finding your backbone. You need it. The fact that you were worried aout "date nights" with a man who doesn't even live with his own children is... baffling.

Well done. TBH it sounds like this man would actually be a better co-parent than a partner - when you know his limitations but have managed to agree that he sticks to regular contact and maintenance agreements, then you are free to look for a romantic relationship that suits you rather than being constantly disappointed that this man offers you nothing of the sort.

It's a step forward :)

However, you need to be running, not stepping forward.

I don't know where to begin, because I wouldn't put up with this arrangement, not at all. I wouldn't be with someone who didn't prioritise me/our relationship, who 'negotiates' date nights/time alone (like it's a sacrice he's making) & who felt it was acceptable to speak to me in that way...and that's without getting into the situation regarding your joint children.

I agree with Solid.