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Original poster

15 yr old daughter with 24 yr old boyfriend - HELP!!

51 replies

OrangeAgate · 18/10/2010 17:07

Hi, I have found out today that my 15 year old daughters boyfriend is 24!! I am struggling to know what to do for the best. She is 16 in 12 weeks time. Previously I have spoken to her about sex, only doing it when she is ready so long as it's over the age of 16, safe sex etc. She was very mature during our conversations. But now I have found this out. On one hand I want to report him to the police, but I don't know if they have had sex. On the other hand I don't want to force it 'underground'. I would rather her be honest with me. He looks and acts 17. Any one got any ideas?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 18/10/2010 17:10

It's not illegal for him to go out with her, only to have sex with her. So no point in going to the police.

In 12 weeks time she'll be able to do what she pleases with him anyhow.

I had a 23-year-old boyfriend when I was 16.

It wasn't hte end of the world, but if my folks had tried to interfere, I'd probably have done something stupid. Like marry him.

tb · 18/10/2010 17:12

I'm not sure how to advise - I started going out with someone of 24 when I was 13. It was the biggest mistake I ever made. It is not normal for an adult to have an interest in someone so much younger, however mature they appear.

I really wish that my parents had stopped it, as it did me a lot of damage, as he was completely narcissistic.

With that age difference at that age, the relationship is likely imo, to be too unequal.

Hope I've not made it worse, just didn't want your post to go unanswered.

BooBooImpaledOnBrokenGlass · 18/10/2010 17:12

The fact that he looks and acts 17 is a worry. At 24, he should have no interest in, or anything in common with, 15 year old girls. I don't know what to suggest tbh

Hawkmoth · 18/10/2010 17:12

I could tell her all about my knob of an ExH. I was 16, he was 25 when we got together.

Older men pick girls like that because women their own age are too clever for them/see straight through them. So you get stuck with a dud. Pah!

expatinscotland · 18/10/2010 17:13

Trying to stop it when she's that close to 16, however, as opposed to 13, probably is going to backfire.

My first cousin fell pregnant at 16 to her 21-year-old boyfriend.

They married.

16 years later, and two more children later, they're still together.

So it's not always bad.

TrillianSlasher · 18/10/2010 17:14

IMO he is almost certainly a loser.

No matter how great your 15 yr old daughter is, wouldn't it be better, at 24, to have a girlfriend who was old enough to go to the pub?

You should probably disconnext the 'OMG he's 24' thing from the 'they're going to have sex' thing. If she were going out with another 15 year old the chances of them having sex would not be especially lower.

WhatsThatDuckDoingThere · 18/10/2010 17:16

When I was 14 I started going out with a 22 year old. I think it's pretty icky now when I look back on it (we were together for four years), but it really wasn't a big deal to me, although as the mother of a 13yr old now I can see why you're worried.

If he's very immature for his age and she is quite mature, there's probably not a huge amount of difference in their emotional maturity. I think I would only get very worried if he was showing signs of controlling her.

My parent knew, they didn't like it but they understood that he would become so much more attractive if they tried to stop me.

GetOrfMoiLand · 18/10/2010 17:17

I would probably have a nervous breakdown if my dd was seeing such an older man.

A 24 year old who has so little about him that he can only see an underage girl would worry me.

I would sit down and say that to your dd, and say he is only interested in gping out with a girl 9 years younger than him because women his own age would make mincemeat ofhim.

How much freedom do you give your DD - is she allowed to come and go as she pleases, or do you know where she is at all times? Do you know if she is sleeping with him? And is she on (reliable) contraception.

To be honest, the sex issue would not be what would worry me, rather the unsettling control reak this man may be. Because despite some people having an older boyfriend and it all being hunky dory, there are plenty of predatory men out there who are insecure freaks of nature, who prey on young girls and try and dominate them.

I would talk to your dd and makeknown your concerns.

Ealingkate · 18/10/2010 17:22

Check out the "Is this a normal sex life thread?" for a cautionary tale (I think the girl was 18 when they met though)

MadamDeathstare · 18/10/2010 17:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lucky1979 · 18/10/2010 17:35

I'm another vote for having had a 24 year old boyfriend when I was 15. I ran away to live with him at one point of histronics. He was a nasty bullying twat who, in retrospect had narcissistic tendancies.

I dread my DD ending up in a relationship like that, but honestly, I don't know how you could prevent it as I was convinced I knew it all when I was 15. Best thing you can do is to stay on her side, then she will know you're there if things start to go wrong.

purplepeony · 18/10/2010 17:49

What are you worried about really?

Does older equal pressing for sex?

It doesn't have to. he may well put less pressure on her than a hormonal 16 yr old.

What matters is that she makes up her own mind about when and with whom to have sex, whether she is 15 or 55.

He may be a perfectly decent man though I do wonder why he would want a 15 yr old.
My son is 24 and there is no way he would look at a 15 yr old- he even thinks 18 yr olds are too young.

scurryfunge · 18/10/2010 17:55

You have to question what an adult male wants from a teenage girl. I would question his motives and agree that maybe he does not have the social skills to have a relationship with his peers.

Very suspect but she will ignore your thoughts completely. Let her come to her own decision as to whether it is a healthy relationship or not.

DragMeToHelliemental · 18/10/2010 18:04

I had a 22 year old bf when i was 15. I was a poor, skinny little under-developed thing to be honest, but pretty enough I suppose, . but rather inexperienced with boys as because I had no 'figure' to speak of, I was convinced I was ugly and hadn't had a 'proper' boyfriend.
He was fairly physically ugly but a really lovely, funny man, very gentle and thoughtful and kind. I dated him for a couple of weeks, We didn't have full sex. He showered me with gifts and didn't pressurise me into anything.
I actually think he used me to 'practice' on, as he was very inexperienced with girls. . .

tb · 18/10/2010 18:11

There may be another problem if the relationship continues with respect to any exams she may be doing. My bf accused me of doing the same A levels as him to show him up Hmm Then the week before the exams, he took a week off work and came round every evening.

Yes, I know they were supposed to be more difficult then - 70s, but I only got a BCCE, which was probably a grade down on each subject, compared with what I was expected to get.

Perhaps make the continuing of the relationship conditional on her continuing to get good marks, or something like that might be an idea.

FreudianSlippery · 18/10/2010 18:23

Tricky... Can see why you're worried. Although when I was 15 I fell for a 34yo. We've been together 8 years and we are still very happy :)

But I'm aware this is unusual. The acting like a 17yo is a warning sign to me - my DH wasn't immature, he was just him. If anything, I was the one much older than my years.

Tbh though age was never an issue for us, and you can't possibly predict the outcome just based on age - it depends what this guy is like.

bodycolder · 18/10/2010 18:28

I would be concerned As others have said he should be at a totally different place than a 15 yr old girl who hasn't even done her gcse's never mind worked and lived as an adult.he may look and act 17 but he isn't.Where did she meet him?

MadamDeathstare · 18/10/2010 18:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tb · 18/10/2010 18:36

Do you know any other 24 year olds that you could use as an example of 'normal' iyswim? Character in a book, film, tv series, neighbours grown up children that she knows, even a young teacher at school, that shows how a 24 year old would be expected to behave?

ZZZenAgain · 18/10/2010 18:40

foreign exchange, a year abroad or something like that?

zombieinhighheelswhatnext · 18/10/2010 19:26

well, i expect i will be told that we were wrong to do so but, when our dd was 14, the 'bf' was 20 - my dh 'had a word in his shell like' Wink, described where his bollocks would be posted to and strangely, the bloke called it all off! Grin dd was told, she wasnt happy, however, loads of 'normal' teenage boyfriends later and she is living the normal life of an 18 year old student - we have no regrets at all! i wish you luck, its a bloody minefield!

geekygiraffe · 18/10/2010 19:34

I met my first boyfriend when I was 16 and he was 24. It was all lovely, but ended a couple of years later as we were at obviously such different points in our life. All depends on the two people involved - personality, maturity, etc, but isn't necessarily evil.

Original poster
OrangeAgate · 18/10/2010 20:57

You lot are great!! Thank you for the support. :)

I have always been quite strict with her in terms of time to be in etc. Believe me she has rebelled against this in the past. But she has matured alot and is talking to me now so I don't want to make matters worse and she runs off with him!Shock

I think he is very immature for his age and has not had the best upbringing (he found his alcoholic mum dead when he was a kid). I wonder if this has something to do with why he wants to hang around a 15 year old?
He doesn't seem the controlling type at all, if anything he is like a puppy dog around her.

OP posts:
ZZZenAgain · 18/10/2010 21:04

how awful to find your mother dead

domeafavour · 18/10/2010 21:08

jees, few harsh posts there, everyone assuming he is some kind of freak.
Where did they meet, did I miss that?

Some people do just meet and like each other without thinking about age.
If you think he is ok, then maybe you just have to trust her.
She will have sex when she is ready, be it with a 15year old or a 24year old.