15 yr old daughter with 24 yr old boyfriend - HELP!!

[OrangeAgate]

Hi, I have found out today that my 15 year old daughters boyfriend is 24!! I am struggling to know what to do for the best. She is 16 in 12 weeks time. Previously I have spoken to her about sex, only doing it when she is ready so long as it's over the age of 16, safe sex etc. She was very mature during our conversations. But now I have found this out. On one hand I want to report him to the police, but I don't know if they have had sex. On the other hand I don't want to force it 'underground'. I would rather her be honest with me. He looks and acts 17. Any one got any ideas?

I know. It must of really affected him. I wonder if he just wants someone to love him? Irrespective of age. I don't know anymore.

dome if it was a 15 year old boy and 24 year old woman...

something doesnt sit right with such a large gap at this life stage...he has had a tough time at the least.

all you can do is support them as a couple, and DD individually, and i would think she will outgrow it.

the more you resist, the more they will collude.

I met the 23-year-old man I lost my virginity to on a year abroad .

He wasn't a loser or freak. I was just horny and wanted to shag him.

When my DD was 16 she had a 24 year old boyfriend.

He was and is the nicest of people.

As girls tend to grow up much quicker than boys, the age difference isn't that big.

She had younger boyfriends before this and they wanted sex, but not the consequences of it.

They have now been together for 8 years.

He has looked after my DD treated her like a princess, and they are getting married next summer.

Don't judge the age, judge the person.

My first boyfriend was a complete knob, but part of the reason I stayed with him is that my parents seemed to hate him...that made him quite cool I'm sad to say. Like others have said, he really doesn't have to be a bad person, but you must try to put a relaxed face and not make your daughter feel like she has to rebel. At her age, I was practically looking for a reason!

If you can be close to her, then she would probably tell you if something is wrong and would take your advice. So, I would say try to keep cool and have him around so you can keep an eye...

When you're both relaxed, try to have a gentle conversation about condoms, and remind her that the one thing our bodies want to do is to procreate, so she needs to try her best to protect herself against mother nature's wishes...

I would be concerned if this was my dd (who is nearly 15)

This man sounds like he has a lot of issues (even if he is an ok bloke) and I certainly would not be happy with him working those out with my daughter

My boyfriend when I was just turned 17 was 27..he adored me and worshipped me....e truly loved me and wanted to marry me. It's not always bad...just ensure she is educated aand keeps her friends going.

I mean educated as far as contraception.

It sounds like he's a bit sad but not sinister. If he acts like 17 then girls his own age won't be interested.

I was having this conversation not long ago with my son of 19 due to something similar on the telly (he has an 18-year-old girlfriend) and he was saying he was not at all interested in girls of 14, 15, 16 - phew! - cos he didn't have anything in common with them - too young, too immature, too "silly", etc.

(I'm a single mum so have always made sure we can talk about anything and everything, better the devil you know than the devil you don't IYSWIM).

I'm not saying your daughter is immature OP, but I would be worried, especially knowing his background. (damaged).

The best thing you can do with your daughter is to keep the lines of communication open with her and let her know that whatever the circumstances, you'll be there for her.

I wouldn't report him to the police, (you will alienate them both), better to invite him over, welcome him into the house (as a friend of your daughter's) and know what is going on and then you can check out his motives...

And like another post says, make her aware that she knows her education is nr. 1 at the moment.

All the best!

Older men pick girls like that because women their own age are too clever for them/see straight through them. So you get stuck with a dud

Not always. It can work out.

My dh was 21 when we met, I was 15. We did nothing until I was 16. I was sensible & wanted to wait, and he wouldn't have anyway. When we did it was at my instigation.

My mum & dad (from a distance) made it clear that didn't approve, but they didn't try to interfere, apart from telling us together, that he wasn't to expect anything from me, and I wasn't to give him anything.

I don't think I would approve, it doesn't seem right somehow, but as that 15yr old I was just happy to have a boyfriend! I was a very mature 15 too.

We have been married 16 yrs & together for 22!

And actually, I was more sensible than him in some ways. He was a drinker (Australian lad culture v obvious in him) and he would drive while drunk too.

For a few years his parents had tried to stop it, but in the end it was me, at 15 hiding his car keys & refusing to carry on seeing him that stopped him.

I can see that older guys might go for younger girls because they can't get women their own age. Again, not always so - my DH wouldn't dream of being with someone his age as he reckons they are boring [hgrin]

I have lots of lovely friends of my age but the idea of having a relationship with them is just weird to me.

thought that average man behaved like teenagers until 30s?

I was 17 and started seeing a 34 year old man .

We met in a nightclub he was a doorman.

He was recently divorced.

My stepfather beat me up and threw me out (the DSS had stopped paying out for me and my deceased mums insurance money was spent so he had no 'need' for me}

I literally had nowhere to go.

The boyfriend being a bit older had his own house so I went there.

Wed only been together 3 weeks although we were already having sex .

He tried to reconcile with my stepfather -no response.

19 years later we are still together with 3 dc.

Anothere here who wouldn't judge just on the age gap - when I was 17 I started seeing a 26 year old...we've now been together 6.5 years, married for 4 and have a baby. We did meet at work and become friends first though (don't think he even realised how young I was at first as I looked a lot older) and he had a girlfriend his own age when we met (they broke up before we started seeing each other) so not all guys who date younger girls are losers who can't get a G/F!

look, you ladies who are "not judging" are giving examples of 17 yr olds

17 is quite, quite different to 15

Some great advise and experience on here. You could do a lot worse than let her read this thread.

Good luck. I know I would be very worried.

"age gaps" are relevant

9 yrs gap when you are 21 and 30 ?

not a problem

when you are 15 and 24 ? A problem, IMO

how far would you push the "the age gap isn't the problem" line of thinking ???

sorry, I meant relevant to the particular situation

I also had a 24y old boyfriend when I was 15, though we weren't sexually active until after I was 16. As a parent now I can totally understand your anxiety and would be worried about it myself, but I have to say I don't think any great harm came out of it and it didn't really adversely affect me. In all likelyhood she will quickly realise what other on here have said - that men of that age who go out with young girls are generally duds and will move on when she goes to uni etc (I did). Good luck.

When I was younger I was in a relationship with a man 12 years older for 7 years. Wasted the best years of my life and deprived me of many chances.

My mother went berserk and ruined what little relationship we had. Took years to regain any sense of relationship with her. It's still fractured now.

OP please just support your daughter,encourage friendships, steer her towards good choices in education and welcome this man into home for tea etc. If you refuse to allow this you could isolate her forever

I agree with scary (as per). I have no problesm with age gaps per se (DP is significantly older than me). But large age gaps with a 15 year old is HUGELY different than a 17 year old.

IMO why would a man of 24 even want an underage girlfriend unless he is a misfit? Most decent men of that age would also realise that, even if there is an attraction there, to act on it with an underage girl is pretty reprehensible.

why would a man of 24 even want an underage girlfriend unless he is a misfit?

He might be interested in having a girlfriend not a lover. In which case the 'underage' part isn't so relevant. My first boyfriends (when I was 16/17, not even 'underage') were 20 and 25 respectively... and guess what, in those days having a girlfriend didn't automatically equate to having sex. Maybe if they'd been less mature there would have been more pressure.

I think he sounds very immature at 24 to want a 15 year old girlfriend. I'd worry that he wasn't socially able to get a girlfriend his own age who could drink and be his equal and wanted a kid he could control. I'd discuss these sorts of issues with my daughter. It's a big gap at that age, and a young girl probably just sees him as being mature and sophisticated, not realising his peer group think he's a prat.