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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Choosing between 2 men

56 replies

Sheila · 12/09/2005 15:54

I've been single for 3 years - no action at all during that time. I recently signed up to an internet dating site and met a really lovely man there. We've met up 3 times - no physical contact yet. He's really nice, we have loads in common, he's got a fantastic sense of humour, very thoughful. Trouble is, I just don't fancy him.

Round about the same time I was asked out by a bloke at work. We have absolutely nothing in common - different backgrounds, no similar interests etc etc, but I fancy him like mad! No physical contact with this one either as yet.

What should I do? Obviously I have to make a choice between these 2 men (mainly becuase I'm desparate to have sex with B, and A is intimating he wants to have sex with me). In the longer term I think bloke A (lovely but not sexy) is probably the better bet. Do I stick with him in the hope that desire will be kindled eventually, or do I fill my boots with bloke B (sexy but nothing in common) in the short term, possibly losing out on the chance of happiness with bloke A?

Really could use some help. Past history has shown me that I tend to fancy men who're bad for me, so I don't trust my instincts at all. What do you all think, oh wise ones?

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 12/09/2005 15:56

Um... shag both and then decide?

Original poster

Sheila · 12/09/2005 15:59

Well of course there's always that option, but I did want to try to be honourable about this. Also bloke A is a bit of a turn off physically (not bad looking but very, very thin).

OP posts:

ggglimpopo · 12/09/2005 16:01

Message withdrawn

Toothache · 12/09/2005 16:01

lol Soupy!

Good advice though!! Why don't you shag B and have a bit of fun..... then settle down with A. Does A think you are in a monogamous relationship with him??? If not then there shouldn't be a problem with you taking you time 'deciding' what you want to do...... and while you decide, why not have a passionate few evenings with the stud.

Life's too short..... don't settle for 2nd best!!! You might get along FANTASTICALLY with Man B!

ggglimpopo · 12/09/2005 16:01

Message withdrawn

starlover · 12/09/2005 16:02

could ytou fatten bloke one up a bit?

GeraldGiraffe · 12/09/2005 16:03

Agree with GGG deffo brill)

starlover · 12/09/2005 16:03

if you go for bloke a you are going to end up resenting it

it is very hard to be passionate and have a "full" relationship with someone who, in your own words, is a bit of a turn off

you will find yourself making excuses for why you can't have sex... pusjhing him away... and ultimately finishing off the relationship..

GeraldGiraffe · 12/09/2005 16:04

i meant

marthamoo · 12/09/2005 16:04

If you don't fancy him you don't fancy him - I would be very wary of starting a relationship with someone where there was no spark at all from the outset.

I would go for Bloke B. Just because you don't have similar interests doesn't mean he's a bad bet. Try not to get too emotionally involved 'til you have got to know him a bit better.

Honestly, afaic, it's a no brainer. You don't have to marry Bloke B and have his babies - just have some fun and see how it goes!

True what they say though - like buses, nothing for years then two come along at once.

Original poster

Sheila · 12/09/2005 16:05

Well neither of them know about the other as yet I suppose, but if either found out I'd risk losing them both, don't you think? Real problem is that I'd have to shut my eyes and think of Arsenal with bloke A.

OP posts:

Fio2 · 12/09/2005 16:06

my husband used to be very very thin, looked like a good meal would do him good and i found it a bit off putting. he is a bloater now

i would go with soupys suggestion, ahh for wanting to have the choice!

Original poster

Sheila · 12/09/2005 16:07

Yes but why do I never fancy the nice ones?

OP posts:

munz · 12/09/2005 16:07

hey my DH is v thin (well was) - just gotta fatten em up is all! skinny hurts the hips lol.

Toothache · 12/09/2005 16:08

The more you describe Bloke A the more I cannot understand why you would even consider persuing a relationship with him!

Go for BLoke B.... and enjoy every second of what may be a fling..... but it might not be. Either way, think of the fun!

mancmum · 12/09/2005 16:10

I would forget about A completely -- if you don't fancy him at the start, in 5 years time you will be in separte rooms... you have to fancy you partner.... go with B... you may be surprised... and if not you can always shag him!

ggglimpopo · 12/09/2005 16:10

Message withdrawn

marthamoo · 12/09/2005 16:10

If you have to close your eyes and think of Arsenal the first time you sh@g someone you really shouldn't be there at all!

Bloke B - no question about it.

Original poster

Sheila · 12/09/2005 16:12

Well Toothache, I'm considering it because in every other respect he's my ideal man. Also because my last partner (DS's dad) was a complete bastard and I'd really like to partner a nice, kind man.

So my head is telling me Bloke A, whereas some other part of my anatomy (rather lower down) is screaming BBB!

OP posts:

Fio2 · 12/09/2005 16:12

bloke b might be crapo in bed bloke a might be fab, might be the decider

marthamoo · 12/09/2005 16:13

But you have to fancy him a bit...

Original poster

Sheila · 12/09/2005 16:14

That's true Fio2 - hadn't thought of that. Sometimes the sexy brutes are exctly that in bed, aren't they? I speak from experience, sadly.

OP posts:

starlover · 12/09/2005 16:15

sheila trust me... it won't work!
you will spend your whole time wishing you were with someone who gives you that funny feeling in your tummy.
wondering why you don't miss him desperately when you're apart, and why you don't get butterflies every time the phone goes

kelli22 · 12/09/2005 16:15

i wasnt instantly attracted to my dp but we've been together for almost 4 yrs now and i fancy him and love him to bits, in the beginning he wasnt really my type i was more into bad lads (usually ones who liked to spend time in HM prison)oh and were agressive and abusive

anyway along came dp we were just mates that had a laugh together, one night (he was staying at mine pretty much constantly) we were in bed and things just seemed to take off form there, but we had been sleeping in the same bed as mates for about 2 months befoire anything happened. i realised how lost i would be if he decided to go home so i asked him to live with me (this was after a very casual mate/ shagging relationship of 5 months) i didnt know i was capable of loving someone who was so different from me over time we have more and more in common

im just saying never say never, i havent settled for 2nd best, he is the best but i wasnt looking at him from the right angle at the start if that makes sense.

Original poster

Sheila · 12/09/2005 16:20

That's really intersting kelli22 and what a aloevly story! I have always believed that desire can grow out of respect, esteem, whatever, although I've never experienced that. If I didn't have B on the go I'd probably hang on with A for a bit longer to see how things developed, but don't think I can keep them both hanging on much longer.

OP posts:

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