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Original poster

Choosing between 2 men

56 replies

Sheila · 12/09/2005 15:54

I've been single for 3 years - no action at all during that time. I recently signed up to an internet dating site and met a really lovely man there. We've met up 3 times - no physical contact yet. He's really nice, we have loads in common, he's got a fantastic sense of humour, very thoughful. Trouble is, I just don't fancy him.

Round about the same time I was asked out by a bloke at work. We have absolutely nothing in common - different backgrounds, no similar interests etc etc, but I fancy him like mad! No physical contact with this one either as yet.

What should I do? Obviously I have to make a choice between these 2 men (mainly becuase I'm desparate to have sex with B, and A is intimating he wants to have sex with me). In the longer term I think bloke A (lovely but not sexy) is probably the better bet. Do I stick with him in the hope that desire will be kindled eventually, or do I fill my boots with bloke B (sexy but nothing in common) in the short term, possibly losing out on the chance of happiness with bloke A?

Really could use some help. Past history has shown me that I tend to fancy men who're bad for me, so I don't trust my instincts at all. What do you all think, oh wise ones?

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 12/09/2005 16:21

I may be being a bit too pessimistic here but I can't help thinking that because you're so unsure, maybe none of them are right for you?

I have to agree though that bloke B sounds more likely to be the one for you but, and again I'm sorry to be a stick in the mud, but remember you have to work with this man - could this make things difficult for you if things don't work out?

Original poster
Sheila · 12/09/2005 16:26

You may be right NAAM - put them together and they'd make a perfect man, but neither of them are quite right as they are.

BUT - how often do we get perfection? If there weren't 2 of them I don't think I'd be hesitating so much - I'd just let each one take its course, but I feel under such pressure to make a choice.

OP posts:
NotActuallyAMum · 12/09/2005 16:37

Yes that's very true - no-ones perfect

Do you really have to choose between them so quickly? It's not like you've made any promises to either of them and of course they don't own you, you're a free woman to do as you please. At the moment they're both just friends. Couldn't you leave it like that for a while and see how things go?

kelli22 · 12/09/2005 16:40

its a hard one, you say man A was off the net, by the sound of it youre not ready to sleep with him yet (but sounds like you do need to sleep with someone) on the other hand working with someone youve slept with is abit dodgy, never tried it myself but i can imagine it would be hard if it went pear shaped.
maybe you could sleep with man A and find hes incredible in bed, its always the quiet ones..... if you dont like it you can ignore him (i mean let him down gently) - unlike the bloke at work........

starlover · 12/09/2005 16:43

why don't you just tell them both that you want to take it slowly... stay friends with them both and see where it leads

you may find that as you get to know them more you really do begin to like one of them much more than the other...

Original poster
Sheila · 12/09/2005 16:46

This is the line I've been following but Man A has hinted that he wants to take it a stage further and I want to take it a stage further with Man B! Don't think I can look A in the eye and tell him I'm not ready if I'm madly shagging B. Have invited B round for a drink tonight so I guess I'll see how that goes. He's not a bad man, we're just not quite on the same wavelength and I can't see him in my life, if you know what I mean. He's definitely more fling material than LTR. God this is difficult!

OP posts:
aloha · 12/09/2005 16:47

What's wrong with Man B? You don't have to have interests in common to be happy, just to want the same things out of your life/relationship. I have v little in common with dh, but we always wanted the same things and have similar values.

Original poster
Sheila · 12/09/2005 16:52

I think the values bit is the prob. Aloha - he has pretty awful attitudes towards women for example. This is why I question my sanity in fancying him so much - and I do really fancy him.

You know that feeling when you're looking into someone's eyes while they're talking to you and you're not listening to a word they're saying, you're just consumed with lust? That's what I feel about him. Suspect he's just an itch I've got to scratch, so to speak.

OP posts:
lou33 · 12/09/2005 16:53

Do you have to choose from one of them? Can't you just have your way with them and find man c?

Original poster
Sheila · 12/09/2005 16:54

Anyway - got to go and get DS. Will report back on my evening! Thanks for all your helpful advice ladies - it's really helped me to think things through.

OP posts:
ninah · 12/09/2005 17:07

marry A and shag B?

Windermere · 12/09/2005 17:10

Neither. Definitely won't work with A and B sounds like it will fizzle out pretty quickly. Keep Looking and have fun.

crazydazy · 12/09/2005 17:11

Let your heart rule your head!!!

Choose B not A!!!!

noddyholder · 12/09/2005 17:11

neither If you really liked either of them there would be no dilemma Wait for someone you really want to shag and spend time with Or shag b for now and keep looking Def not A

weesaidie · 12/09/2005 17:21

I'd love to think desire can grow but has never worked for me! The last two guys I went out with were both lovely and I didn't fancy either of them. I gave one a couple of weeks and the other a couple of months. Big mistake. I ended up thinking I would prefer to be on my own (which I like anyway) of an evening than have so and so come over. Or wishing I could just go out with my friends instead of him!!

So now I am not going for anyone unless I really fancy them, hopefully they will be a few candidates when I start Uni!

So, to conclude, man B.

aloha · 12/09/2005 17:22

If you don't actually like Man B AND you have to work with him, don't do it. Could Man A be a friend or does he fancy you so that would be unkind?

motherpeculiar · 12/09/2005 17:29

no don't do B - horrible horrible horrible working with someone after you've had a fling, and awkward too.Yuck. Did it once. Never again. Oh the thought of it makes my skin crawl now (and he was nice too!). Especially horrible if thay have a BA-AD attitude to women. Suspect this is part of why you like him. Give it up.

Hang on with A, but don't shag him until you fancy him (if you ever do)

Actually though i suspect we are all too late now and you'll be posting with a big fat tomorrow having had the night of passion of your life with B tonight. In which case disregard the first paragraph of this message!

weesaidie · 12/09/2005 18:01

Hum, didn't notice you worked with man B. This would indeed make any kind of fling difficult when it runs its course.

NO ide now, I am a go with your instincts girl as I have usually been okay but you say you don't know if you trust yours!!

MeerkatsUnite · 12/09/2005 18:21

Sheila,

Taking aside the question of either man A or man B (both of whom I personally think are not right for you at all) why exactly you do fancy men who are ultimately bad for you?.

Methinks you should perhaps work on your own self esteem and image first off and work through the true reasons behind this ultimately destructive relationship pattern. Do you feel that you going out with "bad" types will somehow get them to change in that you'll be the one to crack their own problems?.

Bad choices of men does your self esteem and image a huge knock.

Nightynight · 12/09/2005 19:04

Sheila,
Id ditch both of them, and rely on finding A with B's body at some future date.

There has to be some spark of physical attraction!

redsky · 12/09/2005 19:12

Big mistake to go for A IMO. I married dh 24 years ago even tho I didn't fancy him - I didn't realise how important sex would be long term

crazydazy · 12/09/2005 19:19

I didn't really fancy my dp to start with, a bit smooth, vain etc but as I got to know him my love grew and it turned out to be one of the best relationships I'd ever had, we are still together six years later.

Although I thought he wasn't my type the sex was always and still is good.

Original poster
Sheila · 13/09/2005 13:13

Well ladies in the end I gave in to my baser instincts and shagged Man B last night. Can't say it was the night of my life (performance anxieties all round, I think) but it was rather lovely - affectionate and tender -and I think he is actually a really nice bloke (neanderthal attitudes aside). Anyway it made me realise that rolling around naked with A is really out of the question (gruesome thought), so it's heave-ho for him and we'll see what happens with B.

Thanks again for your sage counsel - it really helped.

OP posts:
Amanda1 · 13/09/2005 13:16

Message withdrawn

AlmostAnAngel · 13/09/2005 13:18

if you have to choose then neither is right for you ..as if either was right you wouldnt even be interested in the other!