Right or wrong to feel a bit odd about this?

[EvilAntsAndMiasmas]

DP has told me that he's going away to another city (where we used to live) for the night "to help a friend out". He won't tell me who the friend is or what he will be doing there. I do know it's a moveable feast as he is working out with me when is an ok time for him to go (to fit round other arrangements). And he says he is keeping the secret for the friend's sake - but he will be able to tell me in a few weeks time.

Don't suspect anything fishy because I trust him, and because we are both away for work a lot, so no need to give me this (what would be totally rubbish) excuse if he was sneaking off with another woman. Plus he promises he will tell me when he can.

He won't tell me who the friend is, or even whether they are male or female.

How would you feel about it?

He is very loyal to his friends and the "would do anything to help anyone out" type.

He is getting annoyed with me being freaked out by this and thinks I should give him some "respect and space". Am not the jealous type AT ALL btw.

I would think that was very weird. If he cant trust his wife to tell her his movements then who can he trust.

Who do you think it is?

if you trust him and he is the loyal friend you say then i would absoloutely take him at his word and wait patiently for the truth.

i also think that you should respect his friend's wishes for no-one to know.

I honestly don't know! (Not married btw, but together for a few years, no DC)

We both know lots of people there.

Ooh, it could be something nice like a proposal?

No I reeeeeeaally don't think so Rooby! Love the positive attitude though :)

Thanks booyhoo - I honestly do respect the friend's wishes, I just really don't know how to feel about it. I suppose I can't imagine a situation where I would do the same thing myself. I would always say who I was staying with, and just keep secret the "why". If it's a friend, there's no problem with him staying there any time, so why tell me there's a secret reason for going IYSWIM.

It sounds as if this other person has asked him to promise not to say anything.

Or he's doing something for you which he's trying to keep a surprise.

Only you know him - if he's usually sensible I would not worry at this point. But you are not being unreasonable to feel unnerved - I would.

I suppose my worst case scenario is that it's a clingy female friend or ex-girlfriend needing "emotional support".

What the hell kind of thing could it be?

yes i think i would agree with you tehre. i would say who i was staying with but not why. but i think it sounds like he needs you to not push him on this. if you do totally trust him then trust that he will tell you. make sure he keeps in conact when he is away and keeps his mobile on so you can get him if you need him.

Thanks Electra - that's it, unnerved is the right word. I hate feeling like this, it's part maddeing curiosity and part hurt that he can't even tell me, I suppose.

Booyhoo, that's good advice. I really want to just "get over it" so I can behave normally!

I honestly do trust him, it's hardly classic cheater behaviour is it? :o I suppose it could be someone it would be wrong for me (or anyone) to know before those more intimately involved. If one of his friends wanted to discuss with DP about splitting with partner for instance.

It sounds like a friend may have sworn him to complete secrecy before he told him about this issue, and he's being a loyal friend and true to his promise by not telling even you.

I'd be dying of curiosity, but I think you have to respect his wishes on this and not hassle him. He's said that he'll tell you when he can - that's fair enough really.

Mmmm...I know, I honestly don't want him to tell the secret if it means betraying his friend. It's the not telling me who he's staying with, not even whether male or female, that's so weird I think. Lots of people it could be so that kind of info wouldn't be at all identifying.

Unless he thinks that if I find out m/f I will have another question and another etc?

If he was up to no good he would have made something up rather than just say he cant tell you yet so I dont think there's a single worry on that front.

Either its something nice for you, or maybe he really cant tell you (perhaps its about someone you both know) what it is. That said, I'd feel wobbly about it too, but think you just have to trust him on this.

Thank folly - in fact thanks everyone for your lovely calming advice.

After readiing your posts I spoke to DP yesterday and told him that I totally respect his friend's privacy, I really don't want him to tell me anything etc, and that being such a good friend is one of the things I like about him. More than happy to wait to be told until the friend is comfortable with people knowing.

Did manage to also throw in that if I said "I'm going to London for the night to do something secret and I'm not telling you who I'm staying with, or even whether it's a man or woman" he might be a bit . He saw my point and laughed and told me it's a man that he's going to see, so that's something :o

Sorry, but I would feel really odd about this too. It's unfair of his friend to ask him not to tell you, presuming he trusts you to keep it quiet - and it's unfair of DP to promise to keep something like this from you, because it would make anyone feel extremely uncomfortable.

DP doesn't seem to get that, does he? I really hope it is something you will approve of once you know about it. These next few weeks would do me in though!

Plus the fact he is getting annoyed/defensive would make me quite angry.

I don't think it's on. But he might just have different ways of doing things to those which I would require in a partner!

Well, I am struggling to understand this because I don't have recent experience of partners keeping such secrets from each other, and refusing to tell even though it is obviously un-nerving the other one.

DH and I tell each other most things (other than deep, dark private thoughts etc of course) of a practical nature and even when sworn to secrecy we tell each other secrets

Because although you say you trust your partner, EvilAnts, why doesn't he trust you enough to tell you ?

Which makes me think that the only good scenario here is that he is planning something to do with you (holiday, proposal etc)

The fact that he agreed not to tell me is annoying. But it is consistent with his headlong style, and the fact that he sets great store by friendship loyalty, to the point of staying friends with people who he actually thinks are slightly twatty. He has good reason for being like this to an extent, as had a v difficult family background and AFAIK spent more time at friends' houses than at his own whilst growing up.

I would think that the odds are balanced that friend wouldn't even think of DP not telling me, but DP has taken "don't tell anyone" literally, IYSWIM.

Planning something nice for me is a good thought, but he wouldn't disguise it at this, he is good at planning lovely surprises for me without the need to stress me out beforehand :)

Am coping by assuming it's something private, depressing and quite boring about a friend of his that I hardly know (e.g. planning to leave his wife).

why does he have to go and physically be there though ?

I don't get it....do all his friends need their hands holding or something ? I am assuming this is a grown man we are talking about ?

< realises trying to understand other people's relationships is a bit pointless, and quite frustrating >

Bet the man is your dad and he's going to ask for your hand in marriage...

Sorry SF :o

It is confusing for me too. Just trying to content myself with a) being sure it is nothing dodgy that he is doing (yes probably handholding, and yes he is a grown-up as are friends, DP more mature than most of them ) and b) that I will find out eventually.

It's frustrating, not gonna lie. Haven't got a clue why his physical presence is required. It's a bloody mystery.

Fel1x - if that was the case then I'm afraid first my dad and then I would tell him to fuckoff rejoin the 21st century and ask me like the grown adult I am. But it isn't.

It's possible that the male friend he is seeing is someone whose problem is desperately embarrassing or shameful and the friend therefore really doesn;t want anyone to know. And I do think that this person is entitled to privacy.
THough it would drive me batshit as well as I am incurably nosy.

Thing is though, he's said he can tell the oP in a few weeks anyway. So it sounds like some kind of time-sensitive thing. I cna't think what though.

Can only think that it would be "wrong" for me to know something first before family/close friends, if it's someone I don't know well.

Thanks SGB I really think so too, and can kind of imagine needing to protect a friend who needs someone to confide in.