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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He won't marry me, why do I care?

77 replies

dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 10:24

I have been with my partner for over 17 years and we have a pretty good relationship. We are good mates, have a reasonable sex life and generally have a good life. The problem is I want to get married and he doesn't, to be honest it was never really that important to me until a couple of years ago when he left me for a month and I think my need for more of a commitment has stemmed from there. I have tried to talk to him about it but whenever I bring up the subject he makes all sorts of excuses like he does not believe in it, we cannot afford, what does a bit of paper matter etc etc. To make matters worse whenever he introduces me to someone he always calls me his wife and this really bugs me. I am 45 years old and just feel a bit of a twat being the girlfriend. He tells me he loves me to bits but to be honest I think if he did he would be proud to marry me. Oh and it is not a financial thing, I am the bread winner and the mortgage is in my name, so that is not the problem. The whole thing is making me miserable but not really sure why I am so upset. All our family including our 10 year old have asked us whey have not married and don't really have any answers other than " he does not want to marry" which makes him angry when I say this in front of people. Any thoughts anyone? Just want to make sure I am not being unreasonable

OP posts:

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 14/10/2010 10:28

I think that, when he left you for a month, he made it clear that he is not as committed to the relationship as you would like him to be. I get the impression that at the back of his mind is the idea that because you are not married, he is still 'avaiable' if his perfect woman walks by.
Why did he come back, BTW, and why did you take him back?

bluecardi · 14/10/2010 10:28

How selfish of him. He should marry you. Why don't you propose to him & see what he says.

bundlebelly · 14/10/2010 10:37

I can see why you feel upset. My dh was like this for a long time, he said he would never marry, as he had experience so much divorce in his family, (not him, but everyone else!) Over time and lots of talking, he accepted how important it was to me, and changed his mind. Afterwards he says he wishes we had done it years ago and hadn't caused me so much upset about it all. Men are weird sometimes, they don't like to feel pressurized into anything. Thing is, your feelings are valid, and if he really loves you and values your happiness and your relationship then he needs to really open up about why he is so anti-marriage, as it is very important to you. Then you will both know where you stand and what his real reasons are. Set aside a time to discuss it. Try to appeal to his logical side. The arguement about 'a piece of paper' can be used from you too! If it is just a piece of paper to him, then it's the least he could do when it means so much to you to be married! Good luck!

Original poster

dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 10:50

He left after a huge row, it was a bit mad because virtually came round each sat drinking with me and then suddenly getting up and leaving to go back to his place! We got back together because we were both utterly miserable apart.

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stubbornhubby · 14/10/2010 11:01

you say the mortgage is in your name - do you mean the house? who owns the house?

bluecardi · 14/10/2010 11:03

That's a good point stubbornhubby.
Dragonfly you are offering to share your home & everything with this man. Are you sure you want to do this - seeing he's so reluctant.

MooMooFarm · 14/10/2010 11:04

when you mention 'his place' do you mean you don't live together after all this time?

You have every right to be miserable - if he was 100% committed to this relationship he would be proud to marry you. Even if being married isn't important to him the fact that it is important to you should be enough. Why doesn't he want to make you happy? (That's a question for him I mean!).

The excuses he makes are bull IMO, it doesn't have to be expensive, and if it's just a piece of paper, why doesn't he just do it if he knows it's what you want?

If you can happily continue as you are, then fine, but if not I think it could be time for an ultimatum. You are perfectly entitled to expect some real, grown up commitment after 17 years! And BTW, 45 is not too old for you to find somebody else who could appreciate and value you enough to marry you and he needs to realise that!

Original poster

dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 11:08

The house is in my name, I earn more and pay more. We live as man and wife without his commitment. To be honest on the face of it it should be the other way around he has far more to gain out of it than I, though he is under the illusion that common law man and wife means something.

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runmeragged · 14/10/2010 11:12

Weddings only need to cost what the reg office charges (£30 for mine, think my brother's was £60). They are nice weddings - no hassle, really intimate - just immediate family. So money is no excuse.

It isn't just a piece of paper. Statistically, couples who are married are more likely to stay together than cohabiting couples. If something happens to either of you, you are eachother's next of kin - but only if you are married. Otherwise, it could be your parents/children. It obviously matters to your 10yo as well.

He sounds really immature and lazy - introducing you as his wife when he has not actually bothered making you his wife!!

Oh, and the coalition are going to bring in a married tax break .

bluecardi · 14/10/2010 11:13

you sound better off as you are tbh. He knows it means something to you this getting married so you could play it the other way. Stop mentioning it, go out & meet new people, decide what to do with your money. Get a separate bank account that you have your salary paid into. You are strong & indepedent. He needs to get off his butt & show you how much you mean to him.

msboogieHallowqueen · 14/10/2010 11:15

being married wouldn't make him any more committed or any less likely to leave though...

Anniegetyourgun · 14/10/2010 11:21

How odd that he is angry when you tell people he does not want to marry. It's nothing more than the truth. They have asked the reason why you aren't married, and the reason is that one of you doesn't want to. If he were confident that he was doing the right thing, why wouldn't he want other people to know? Likewise referring to you as his wife when "partner" is nothing to be ashamed of and is more accurate. I wonder what he tells people who ask him in your absence why he's not married...

stubbornhubby · 14/10/2010 11:21

sometimes when people say they don't want to get married, they actually mean they don't want a wedding with all the paraphnalia and attention that brings with it.

some friends of mine, same age as you, recently got married. They suddenly realised that it was - actually - the wedding they didn't want. They hadn't really put it into words but somehow they realsied that for both of them the idea of dresses and standing at the front of a big crowd and photos, and cakes and presents etc etc just made them feel self-consious and hot to be doing it at their age, with a child of 13 etc etc. Weddings (they felt) are for twenty-something

once they had realised that they also realsied they DID want to be married.
So they booked the registry office, wore smart but normal clothes, their son was best man and they had about six or seven close friends, and afterwards they went to a posh restaurant down the steet for lunch and it was all over by early afternoon --- and they told it was one of the best things they ever did.

Original poster

dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 11:23

Some sound advice thanks everyone, I am indendant ( own bank account) tbh even if we did get married I would keep it that way, he is not terribly responsible with money.I do agree he is immature but I still love him. BUT no way am I going to pressurize him into marraige, he would throw it in my face for the rest of our days. I think I will just have accept this or find someone new but that really is easier said than done @ my age.

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Tootlesmummy · 14/10/2010 11:24

I don't think it is a big deal and I wouldn't be too distressed if I was in the same position. As Msboogie says just by being married doesn't make him any more committed. You've got children together that's a much bigger commitment in my eyes.

Would you put the house in joint names if you married?

PirateScaredyCat · 14/10/2010 11:29

so do you feel that if doesn't marry you you are going to break up with him?

bluecardi · 14/10/2010 11:29

Good luck dragonfly. You are the stronger one in the relationship

stubbornhubby · 14/10/2010 11:35

tootlesmummy - if you were married it wouldn't make much difference who owns the house. it's when you are NOT married that it's very important.

dragonfly - obviously as you say it's your DP who would benefit most financially from marriage. At the moment if you seperate he house is yours (if you were married he would expect a share) and if you die, leaving the house to him in your will he will pay inheritance tax (if you were married he wouldn't)

Original poster

dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 11:39

When we were apart a couple of years ago I was a complete mess, I don't think I could go through that again. But I am not happy, don't know what to do really. Think he is a selfish immature git tbh, but there you go! Stubbornhubby who metioned to the Wedding thing ( being embarassed) could have a point

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alfabetty · 14/10/2010 11:50

And if he were ill or incapacitated, you wouldn't be his next of kin (and vice versa), so it would be someone else (parents?) making decisions as to his (or your) treatment, welfare, financial affairs etc.

But he should respect your feelings - if marriage is important to you, he should at least acknowledge that, and have some reasons as to why he doesn't want to marry, rather than the default setting of 'we're alright as we are'.

msboogieHallowqueen · 14/10/2010 12:36

None of those perfectly sensible reasons for getting maried are likely to hold much sway with him are they?

Is the cause of your unhappiness really that you are not married to him though? It sounds like there might be a bit more behind it, if I'm honest.

After a 17 year relationship, if that relationship was still good your happiness shouldn't really depend on whether or not you are married.

I don't think that getting married now would make you any happier either, because firstly you would know he was doing it on sufferance and secondly you would be married to the same selfish immature twunt.

I think you need to decide whether you have reached the end of the road with him. Let's face it, at 17 years you have already lasted longer than many marriages.

ValiumSkeleton · 14/10/2010 12:53

I'm very glad to read that you are the bread winner here. Because I think that if he really was committed to you, he would have married you. I suspect he's keeping his options open. Some men do this. They think that there's a chance Keira Knightly wnat to go out with them, and what would they do if they were married, they wouldn't be free to go out with Keira/Sienna would they!?

And you're not being U to be upset by it. It's a rejection of you. You sound like you've been holding it all together. Don't throw good money after bad. Or good love after bad love. Or the years you have left out after the years you could have spent differently.

He knows that not being married is making you UNhappy, yet he won't marry you.

If he's indifferent to marriage then he doesn't care that it's what you want, and that's not good news. If it's that he doesn't want to marry YOU then you need to call it a day. 17 years would be a fairly long marriage.

Tootlesmummy · 14/10/2010 12:58

I agree with msboogie there sounds like there are other issues which you're not happy with. I think you need to resolve these before you even think about getting married.

All the other things re next of kin etc can be resolved with a will as well.

booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 13:02

the bit that flashed in red for me here is that he gets annoyed when you tell people that he doesn't want to get married.

if he doesn't want to get married then why would he not want people to know? surely he is confident that he is making the right decision? and if he isn't sure then he shouldn't be telling you no, he should be telling you that you both need to talk it through. which he isnt.

it seems to me, he is liking the benfits of married life without teh commitment but gets embarrased when otehr people know this about him, otherwise why would he introduce you as his wife? i think he is having his cake and eating it.

Original poster

dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 13:10

I may sound strong and independant but the thought of being on my own is terrifying. Financially I could cope but not emotionally, I am so used to being in a relationship. He is my best freind, when we spilt lats time not only did I loose my partner I lost my best mate. I can't really grasp why being married is so important right now. I accused him last night of him treating me as his "F* buddy". I guess it could be an age thing! I dunno, so confused!

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