Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't marry me, why do I care?

77 replies

dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 10:24

I have been with my partner for over 17 years and we have a pretty good relationship. We are good mates, have a reasonable sex life and generally have a good life. The problem is I want to get married and he doesn't, to be honest it was never really that important to me until a couple of years ago when he left me for a month and I think my need for more of a commitment has stemmed from there. I have tried to talk to him about it but whenever I bring up the subject he makes all sorts of excuses like he does not believe in it, we cannot afford, what does a bit of paper matter etc etc. To make matters worse whenever he introduces me to someone he always calls me his wife and this really bugs me. I am 45 years old and just feel a bit of a twat being the girlfriend. He tells me he loves me to bits but to be honest I think if he did he would be proud to marry me. Oh and it is not a financial thing, I am the bread winner and the mortgage is in my name, so that is not the problem. The whole thing is making me miserable but not really sure why I am so upset. All our family including our 10 year old have asked us whey have not married and don't really have any answers other than " he does not want to marry" which makes him angry when I say this in front of people. Any thoughts anyone? Just want to make sure I am not being unreasonable

OP posts:
stubbornhubby · 14/10/2010 17:05

gettingeasier - not necessarily, it's not as simple as that - it all depends.

I know a unmarried couple that just split up after approx 20 yrs. He owned the house ('in his name' is the weasel words that people use. 'in his name' means 'his house', I don't know why people don't understand that) and with lots of help from solicitors she managed to get from her partner .....
... about £5000

one problem was he already owned it when she moved in. the fact that she had contributed the to the household finances that enabled him to pay off the mortgage helped her just a little. the house and all the gains in value were his.

marantha · 14/10/2010 18:03

gettingeasier Sorry, but you are incorrect. NOBODY gets a share of another person's property merely by living with and having a sexual relationship in their partner's home.
It doesn't work that way.
There has to be more to it than the actual relationship itself.
A woman can live in her partner's home for 40 years-if she has no proof that she contributed financially to property, she'll get none of it.
The ex-partner must prove to the courts that they have somehow contributed to property in some way.
If no financial contribution can be proved there is no claim.

dragonfly00, your partner sounds irritating to me-sorry, but all this guff about religion, and 'piece of paper' is guff.
Also, 'common-law' is guff.
Is there a possibility he knows it is guff and yet coming up with excuses or does he need enlightening.
Could be that he really believes in 'common-law' and does see you as good as married?

marantha · 14/10/2010 18:10

If after you have calmly told him that marriage doesn't have to be about religion, that marriage is more than just a piece of paper and comes with all sorts of legal bits and pieces and that 'common law' is nonsense (I mean as if the state can declare a couple married by default! Hmm) he still refuses to marry you I think you need to ask -why isn't this man (if he is as committed as he says to me) prepared to marry?

Just give him a chance by putting him right on the bulls**t first.

Laquitar · 14/10/2010 18:20

Do you want to marry him or to marry? Just because you are 45 and you think you should marry? Sorry to put it like this but iwould hate it if someone didn't want to marry me and he had to do it 'for me'.

I dont think he is the only one with issues tbh. You are the one who 'cant live on your own' and 'cant live without him if he leaves again'. Well, if he leaves again it means he doesn't love you and you cant force someone to love you. Of course you can live on your own. You are 45 with job and your own house.

YakkinTosh · 14/10/2010 18:25

Marriage isn't a bid deal - especially if you are financially independent and own the house - but a sense of emotional security is.

purplepeony · 14/10/2010 18:53

You did come over all defensive about him a few posts back.
Just because he doesn't beat you or is unfaithful or anything really bad, doesn't make what you have right for you. Emotional immaturity and being controllling ( which is what this seems to hinge on) are not good qualities either.

As long as you are so needy you will be easy prey for a man who seems to bully you emotionally. At the very least he must know that he is withholding the one thing that you seem to want so much.

He also seems embarrassed in company that you are not married - which means he feels guilty over it. It touches a nerve for him.

I think everyone is saying the same thing to you; get on with your own life, stop this mantra that you cannot live alone or without him ( that's teenage magazine stuff)- you can live perfectly well without him, though it will take getting used to after 17 years.

Stop trying to paper over the cracks now that people here have shown the situation for what it is.

Laquitar · 14/10/2010 19:02

purplepeony i am not sure he feels guilty.
My friend's ex used to do this, telling us that she doesn't want to marry him. My friend felt that he was trying to manipulate us and her. She left him in the end. Maybe OP's dp sees it as presure?

purplepeony · 14/10/2010 19:11

Looking back to the quote from Robbie Williams, I remembered what my father once said- heis now mid 80s.
he said once that no man really wants to get married; he does it for one of two reasons:
the woman wants it and he cares about her, or
he is afraid he is going to lose her.

ItsGhoulAgain · 14/10/2010 19:29

Purplepeony, I heard a much better reason - this from my male colleagues: "Because I can't imagine living without her."

Mine married me for your second reason - and we all know where that got me :( My old colleagues, however, are still married ... except for the one who hasn't met anyone he can't imagine livving without (she'd have to be a barrel of Stella) Wink

purplepeony · 14/10/2010 19:42

But (itsghoul you can* live with someone and not be married! As the OP has shown.

ItsGhoulAgain · 14/10/2010 19:50

Uh, yes ... That was how the chapss expressed their reasons for wanting to marry the women they did. Don't be so reductive! Grin

ItsGhoulAgain · 14/10/2010 19:53

OK, decided to elaborate on that a bit. Men People take marriage seriously. Their decision to marry, therefore was no light choice to "live with" a particular woman for now, or for a while, or for the foreseeable. They couldn't imagine their futures without them. Is that any clearer?

Spero · 14/10/2010 19:57

How is he your 'best mate' ? He makes you unhappy and won't deal with it. Doesn't sound like much of a friend to me.

marantha · 15/10/2010 14:28

Hi, dragonfly00, I've given your dilemma a bit more thought and I think you should try to calmly reason with him about his thoughts about marriage.
It is possible that he has religious objections to marriage: in which case try to tell him that marriage doesn't have to involve religion- atheists marry, after all.

It is also possible that he is committed to you and sees no need for marriage as it is, to him, a 'piece of paper', in which case you need to point out that marriage-far from being a bit of paper- comes attached with various legal ties which you simply don't have unless married or legally made explicit (such as next-of-kin etc).

I'm trying to see your dp in a good light and give him benefit of doubt-maybe he does believe in myth of 'common-law-spouse'. A lot of otherwise intelligent, clever people do.
Maybe he does think that the authorities will see you as married in all but name.
You need to correct him that this is not the case. The state can't marry people by default!
If, after all of the above, has been considered by him he still won't marry you, then I think you must admit defeat regarding the issue and either accept it and continue relationship or split.
(Your dp also needs to bear in mind that unless he has proof of financial contributions to your home, in the event of a split-to quote Anne Robinson- he'll leave with nothing. Not sure you should tell him this, though).

(I think I said all this earlier, but wasn't that clear so forgive me my repetition).

shandydrinker · 15/10/2010 14:42

I think tbh its the only bit of power he has in your relationship. You are the strong one, you own the home, you earn the money. He is keeping this as the one thing he has over you.

Is he financially reliant on you? Does this bother him? does it bother you?

Apart from a marriage cert is everything else good?

annez · 17/10/2010 13:17

Dragonfly.......are you ME by any chance? LOL

i have also had this dilemma lately, been with him 14 years, we both have been divorced and both have 2 kids from those marriages.....the youngest is 20.

i recently was diagnosed with....and am a survivor of breast cancer......and something inside me after treatment was all done, was i wanted something more from our relationship. i wanted to cement what we had.

so i proposed.......and he said no!

he said he dont believe in marriage, but that he will have a symbolic wedding ceremony.....(not legally binding) if its a wedding day i want, to feel like a princess.

he just dont get it, (and neither do i) its not the real thing and i want to know why he dont deem me good enough to go the whole way, when its obviously not the wedding day he is oppsed to. he DOES obviously believe in marriage because he married once before....

or maybe he's just not into me?

in which case he can piss off out of my life, because its now become very important to me, and if he cant see that, we're doomed anyway!

2rebecca · 17/10/2010 13:57

Why are you so keen to marry him dragonfly if you find him emotionally immature? To me that's a fairly damning thing to say about your partner.
You will have less financial security and it will be harder to disentangle yourself from the relationship and find someone who fulfils your emotional needs.
The marriage thing seems to have turned into a power battle.

Original poster
dragonfly00 · 19/10/2010 16:01

This is unbelievalbe but after our discussion the other night, he came home and said he wanted to marry me. Problem seems that he is very nervous about the "Wedding thing", I think someone brought this up. Said he has been really selfish and has never wanted anyone else and would be the " proudest man on the earth" Well there you go, hads even has spoken to my father and asked permission, told our best friends and our son. Still a bit shell shocked and keep asking him that he is not just doing it for me but also because he wants too. Will keep you posted. Seems like a spring wedding!!!!!

OP posts:
CheerfulV · 19/10/2010 16:05

Strewth! That's a turnaround Grin I love MN...

Original poster
dragonfly00 · 19/10/2010 16:23

annez you poor thing sounds like life has been pretty tough. I know how you feel it is total rejection, tbh I think I would feel even worse if my dp had been married before but not willing marry me after 14 years!

OP posts:
annez · 19/10/2010 23:34

dragonfly00
yeah thats just what pisses me off, i dont want kids.......done that and so has he, but i just want to feel stable, after BC, and its not an excuse....but i want different now,i want change.

it is total rejection at a time in my life i need stability. i am only 4 months post BC, and i just thought about all the things that are important to me, and its the kids, and him...

and another thing, in addition to wanting to be married, i just also wanted to plan a wedding, cos i am just so grateful at not having to plan my funeral.

i am very happy to hear your partner has had a turnaround! YAY!

hope you have a wonderful wedding and marriage... X

2rebecca · 19/10/2010 23:45

What about the fact that you think he's emotionally immature?
Why do you want to marry an emotionally immature man?
I don't get your relationship at all.

stubbornhubby · 27/10/2010 12:30

perhaps what you need dragonfly is a civil partnership - if only they were available to you

www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-11625835

Lulu4447 · 02/02/2021 00:22

Well I’ve been with my guy for over 14 years. He’s effectively bought my 16 yr old son up, he’s two adult kids of his own and 3 grandkids.
We broke up 2 yrs ago mutually but he couldn’t leave it, nor me tbh and after 6 months we were back seeing each other and back living together after 12 months.
Now some 2 years since break up, whilst he begrudgingly gave me ‘the diamond’ when I moved back in, he won’t marry me, avoids weddings on the TV like the plague and I’m sick of being called ‘dads partner’ by his kids but fiancée by him. Should I stay or should I go. Marriage is important as a commitment to me?

Tanya50 · 29/01/2024 10:03

Hi, I'm really feel sorry for you, especially you have been so long in relationship. It scares me as I'm 4 years in relationship and the same situation he doesn't propose and I am starting thinking he is not with love with me but just love me. To get married, both partners should be able to feel that they are 100% foe there partners and are getting married as they are in strong love. I'm afraid to say we are women who are waiting for miracle which never gonna happen with our partners. They just not want to be married for they own personal reason. We just have to decide what to do the best. Accept not to be loved enough because we love them too much or leave and find a real love if we are not scared to start over again in our whatever age we are. I'm scared too and don't know what to yet. You not alone here.