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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He won't marry me, why do I care?

77 replies

dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 10:24

I have been with my partner for over 17 years and we have a pretty good relationship. We are good mates, have a reasonable sex life and generally have a good life. The problem is I want to get married and he doesn't, to be honest it was never really that important to me until a couple of years ago when he left me for a month and I think my need for more of a commitment has stemmed from there. I have tried to talk to him about it but whenever I bring up the subject he makes all sorts of excuses like he does not believe in it, we cannot afford, what does a bit of paper matter etc etc. To make matters worse whenever he introduces me to someone he always calls me his wife and this really bugs me. I am 45 years old and just feel a bit of a twat being the girlfriend. He tells me he loves me to bits but to be honest I think if he did he would be proud to marry me. Oh and it is not a financial thing, I am the bread winner and the mortgage is in my name, so that is not the problem. The whole thing is making me miserable but not really sure why I am so upset. All our family including our 10 year old have asked us whey have not married and don't really have any answers other than " he does not want to marry" which makes him angry when I say this in front of people. Any thoughts anyone? Just want to make sure I am not being unreasonable

OP posts:
Mumi · 14/10/2010 13:13

"whenever he introduces me to someone he always calls me his wife"

Next time he does this, correct him, in front of them.

purplepeony · 14/10/2010 13:15

From a purely practical point of view, if you were run over by bus, God forbid, he would be homeless unless you have bequeathed your house to him.
I am unclear- does he have a house of his own or a flat that he ran to?

You can also look at this another way- if it is JUST a bit of paper to him, and you WANT that bit of paper, then why doesn't he want to do it? If it means nothing and changes nothing, then what is his excuse for not going ahead?

The bottom line is- do you want to force the issue and possibly lose him over this, or are you happy to back down?
I would make it clear to everyone though that you are NOT his wife!

Original poster
dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 13:15

Mumi I do now and have done for some time and he gets really pissed off with me!

OP posts:
booooooooooyhoo · 14/10/2010 13:16

i agree mumi, don't let him pretend to others that he has 'made and honest woman of you'. call him on it.

purplepeony · 14/10/2010 13:19

OP- what has changed to make you want marriage?

If you have spent this long unmarried- which presumably has given him the go-ahead to live with you unmarried- then how can you expect him to do a U turn?

I am not saying you are wrong to want marriage but it's not as if you have been together for say 5 years and want that bit of paper- it's a loooooooong time now!

If you thnk it will ensure life-long commitment then it won't.

Original poster
dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 13:24

I have always wanted to get married @ some point, I have never made this a secret. In fact I wear an engagement ring he gave me many years ago, but whenever we actually talk about it he goes on a rant about religion and etc etc, as above

OP posts:
stubbornhubby · 14/10/2010 13:27

a marriage doesnt have to be religious (well, obviously).

Original poster
dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 13:29

Yea I know, I have told him this, neither of us are religious

OP posts:
purplepeony · 14/10/2010 13:33

he sounds as if he as issues.

Do you really want to be married to man who seems to have so little regard for your wants?

You might also ask whether you have hung on in there because you are terrified of being on your own.

Do you have enough friends around to be good to you if you were to split? it sounds as if you are extremely dependent on him, hich is not good, as one day- most of us will live life alone.

stubbornhubby · 14/10/2010 13:38

Ok - armchair psychology here.

mariage exists in law to protect the interests of SAHM, who otherwise would end up penniless.

in this case the effect of marriage would be chiefly to protect HIS financial interests. perhaps he finds that idea a bit humiliating. It kind of crystalises and makes plain that he is financially dependent upon you... and now he is protected. Perhaps it's that he is shying away from. it's probably not the vision he had for himself in his 40s, hw might feel he should be standing on his own feet.

OR all of the above could be a load of MN bollocks from a perfect stranger with his mind drifting in his lunch break.
BTW if he does feel even a bot like that, then de definitely wouldn't want a wedding a big event with 100s of people to witness his discomfort....

Hammy02 · 14/10/2010 13:39

I'm not a fan of Robbie Williams but when asked about getting married to Ada Field, he said 'I will get married for her'. Meaning that he would do it because it meant the world to her. And he did. I think this speaks volumes.

Original poster
dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 13:40

Issues, you have no idea, yes you are right about being alone but we are both dependant on each other. He will always refer to me as his sole mate, if there is such a thing. No I do not have many close friends, I work from home so difficult meet people and freinds I have are people we both know as couples

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/10/2010 14:00

"All the other things re next of kin etc can be resolved with a will as well"

This is not actually correct. Unmarried female partners would not receive a widows pension if their man died. That comes as a shock to some. As this is currently around £80 a week this is a sum that could be useful.

Also these women cannot open letters of administration re the estate of the deceased nor choose a headstone(!). Unmarried people who cohabit are regarded as two completely separate people and are treated accordingly.

Have you asked him straight out why he does not want marriage yet he introduces you as his wife?.

Dragonfly - I don't know you of course but your relationship sounds dare I say stifling. You both sound co-dependent on each other which in itself is unhealthy. You have not known anything else for the past 17 plus years; I think you are selling yourself short and you are allowing him to do this.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I would give that question some serious thought.

Blu · 14/10/2010 14:05

In your shoes I would not marry him. He has shown his committment to be shaky, and if you marry and then he leaves again he will be entitled to half the house etc.

As you are the breadwinner, all marriage will achieve is to make him entitled to half of your assets. The problem between you is emotional and based on committment, pressurising hi to marry against his instincts will not solve that emotional issue.

purplepeony · 14/10/2010 14:12

I think you mean soul mate though if you mean only then sole is right!

Sorry but I'd suggest that you take a hard look at your life without including him, and see what you need to do to make it more fulfilling.

being totally dependent on one person is not good news for anyone.

Working from home is no excsue- I do that too- but I have lots of friend and see at least 1 girlfriend each week for lunch or coffee.

There are clubs, sports clubs, language classes, keep fit classes, dram clubs...need I go on? You need to get out and meet new people instead of clinging like a limpet to this man who sounds, frankly, inadequate as a mature man, who you hope might marry you- for what? More of the same stifling life with you supporting him as if you were his mum?

SandStorm · 14/10/2010 14:13

You need to decide if marriage is a deal breaker. If it is, then it's time to ask him to marry you and if the answer is no then it's time for you to move on.

Original poster
dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 14:30

maybe a Freudian slip there with the Soul referal, I don't think I am quite the limpet you refer too, I do Italian classes, Pilates but I am very careful who I call a friend. I do live a very rural area and clubs are pretty few and far between and like minded people are hard to find. but I get your point, I have been coming to this conclusion myself but maybe would not have put it so harshly.

OP posts:
Taghain · 14/10/2010 14:36

I found that it's not so much the vows you make to each other, but the fact that you are making them in front of others, that makes the difference.
Is he prepared to say "I want you forever" in front of other people?

You want his commitment, he won't give it - is there any?

shodatin · 14/10/2010 15:04

Purplepeony wrote that your dp seems inadequate as a mature man, and I think he probably feels this, with your house, your own business and your better finances, but being able to with-hold something you don't have gives him enormous importance in this relationship.
Sorry I don't have the answer but hope you come up with something to improve your life.

purplepeony · 14/10/2010 15:12

Dragon sorry- I didn't mean to be horrid I just thought you needed a wake up call.

It looks as if you have both ben drifting and when he moved out he came back and you accepted him because your lives were a bit empty.

Ask yourself- if you were to turn back the clock 17 years- would you want him now as much as you did then?

He sounds teenager-ish- and as if hanging onto his little bit of supposed independence, ie not marrying, gives him some control over his life which he does not seem to bein control of really where work etc is concerned.

Would he go to couples counselling with you?

SolidButShamblingUndeadBrass · 14/10/2010 15:47

I really think he's still hoping that something 'better' will come along, though this may be in the form of him suddenly becoming wildly successful (is he, by any chance, some kind of artis/musician/film director/DJ?). Either that or he likes the fact that you want to be married and it's in his power to withold that, because it makes you more dependent on him. He will be aware that he can make you turn inside out and jump through hoops by threatening to leave you again, because he knows that you love him more than he loves you.
TBH it's time to stop pinning all your hopes and dreams etc on this one man. Not only does he sound a bit of a loser, but no man (or woman) should be the entire focus of someone else's life. Being single is actually perfectly OK and much better than being in a crap relationship.

BTW: You have a 10-year-old? How did s/he react to Daddy fucking off in a hissy fit for several months and then coming back?

Original poster
dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 15:51

When I read other people's stories my problem seem so insignificant, he does not beat me, is faithful, makes me laugh, enjoys many of the same things as I do, he is just a emotionally immature and needs to grow up. I need to make the choice whether we continue like we are or ?

OP posts:
Original poster
dragonfly00 · 14/10/2010 15:56

Re my 10 year old tbh he seemed to take it in his stride, because DP kept coming back everyday so he virtually saw him every day also promising my son that he could get a quad bike because he had a bigger garden!!!! kids being kids I think he enjoyed the attention he was getting

OP posts:
ItsGhoulAgain · 14/10/2010 16:18

Ghoul Is In A Cynical Mood warning!

I don't like the sound of this, Dragonfly. I'm fantastically relieved that your house is yours and you're financially self-sufficient.

Bits I don't like:-

  1. Calling you his wife. It's weird and dishonest.
  2. Getting angry when you tell people. Also weird & dishonest (angry with you for telling the truth).
  3. Leaving but not-leaving, which means he kept you on the hook.
  4. He contributes less to the household (Does he make up for it by doing the majority of chores?)
  5. He thinks there are common-law rights.
  6. Your apparently closed & possibly co-dependent relationship.

I think you can see where I'm coming from. If his objections were to do with ceremony, religion, tradition, etc, you could have had a civil wedding, a pagan wedding, or whatever. Only two of the vows are required by law. He's a grown-up; he could have found this out if he was remotely interested in the subject.
I rather hope you'll expand your own life until it's so gloriously full & satisfying, there's no need for a limpet with a penis.

gettingeasier · 14/10/2010 16:50

Dragonfly I know from a visit to a solicitor last week that even if the house is owned by you/in your name if he has lived with you in it he will have a claim on it. Although savings,assets,pensions are not in the equation if you are unmarried the home isnt.