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Original poster

Daughter hates me having a new man :-(

67 replies

allgonebellyup · 11/10/2010 09:30

i dont know what to do. I only met him a month ago, online (i know, sounds risky) but we have been meeting every day and texting, and he is one of the loveliest men i have ever met. He goes out of his way to see me when he should be sleeping (he works long night shifts) and is always doing things to make my life easier.
Both my children met him last week, my ds, who is 6, is very keen on him, and asks to see him and play with him all the time.
The trouble is my dd. I had a boyfriend last year who she got very attached to (but we split at xmas), and before that she had her stepdad (for 6 yrs- my ds's father )so i feel so much guilt that she gets attached and then it all ends :-(

My new man stayed over last night (on a mattress on the floor) yet this morning she was screaming and sobbing and saying she would rather be dead than have to find that her life had changed again. i promised her that he wouldnt stay over again for a long time, and that she will always come first, but she doesnt believe me.
He is so amazing to me; last night he sat with me outside my ds' room whilst i waited for him to fall asleep (a stupid routine i have fallen into) and offers to do anything for me and the dc - i havent felt this happy for years.

I dont want to end the relationship, and he would be gutted, but i dont know what else to do?
During the week we meet up in my lunch hour from work - and this works great - but how can i keep him from my home and my dd forever??

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 11/10/2010 09:32

Major alarm bells from cynical me.
You are going too fast. No wonder you dd is worried. How old is she?
I don't think anyone expects you to keep him from your dd forever. But this is way too much for a man you met only a month ago

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 11/10/2010 09:34

i know, i know. But tbh its the first time he has ever stayed over, and i was dubious about it, cause i was worried she may be upset.
Sorry, dd is 11.

OP posts:
mankyscotslass · 11/10/2010 09:35

TBH I think you need to slow it right down, at least from the DC's point of view. You have only been seeing him a month, and the children have had a lot to cope with.

It was probably a bit early to introduce them under the circs, and have him stay over, but that's done now, so all you can do is try to reassure them.

I would step right off the gas with him until the children are a lot more settled.

How old is your DD? Does she have any time with her own dad?

I think I would slowly introdce him again on a tripto the park or something and take it from there.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 11/10/2010 09:38

yep, i know i need to slow it down...
yes she sees her dad every fortnight, and is happy-ish doing so, but she would rather spend her time wiht me tbh. We do loads of stuff together, like caring for the horse we share, trips to chessington, shopping/cinema etc, so that she feels like she gets quality time with me.

OP posts:
mankyscotslass · 11/10/2010 09:47

I think then, you need to slow it right down with nm, and reintroduce him VERY slowy over the next few months.

This is all happening very fast tbh, no wonder your DD is insecure. Sad

It does not mean you keep them apart for ever, but you do need to focus on her for a bit.

11 is a difficult age anyway, with hormones raging, and she will be struggling with puberty as well as insecurity over relationships.

expatinscotland · 11/10/2010 09:53

Why do you have to end the relationship? Slow it down! If this guy really is all that, he'll understand you have two children and things can't go very fast because of that.

He can spend the night when she's at her dad's.

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 11/10/2010 09:58

Yep, i know he will wait, he made us wait a month before we even slept together anyway.
I just dont see that she will ever adjust.
She says she wants me all to myself and NEVER have to share me with any other adult - she also hates me having any friends round the house at all.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 11/10/2010 10:04

He made you wait a month? A whole month? Blimey. Hmm
You sound awfully down on your poor dd. If anything, she sounds like she has her head screwed on a bot more than you do. It is easy to get swept up ina new relationship. But she is your first priority. SHe has seen you hurt before. And tbh, if you are happier than you have been for ages, she is probably wondering why you weren't happy when it was just you and the dc. She probably feels not good enough, and worried for you. You are acting like a teenager to be blunt

BooBooGlass · 11/10/2010 10:05

Ah, so if you met him a month ago, you slept with him last night yes? So not really 'on a mattress'?

twolittlemonkeys · 11/10/2010 10:09

I'd also say slow it down. I have a friend whose story sounds remarkably similar to yours on paper. Either slow it right down or have a break from relationships totally so you can focus on your children. A month isn't long at all to have known someone before they stay over.

Definitely agree with only letting him stay over when your DD is with her dad so she doesn't feel she's losing you to him. 11 is a difficult age anyway - lots of changes physically, hormonally, emotionally - presumably she has just (or will soon) moved to secondary school. That's a lot of adjustments for an adolescent to cope with, without introducing a new person into her life.

Lovesdogsandcats · 11/10/2010 10:09

Why is this new bloke around at bedtime...sitting outside your ds bedroom with you??!! Can you imagine being 6 and 11 and some strange man sat on your landing? I think the whole thing is weird tbh.

expatinscotland · 11/10/2010 10:10

She's eleven. If anything, she'll be an adult in 5 years.

Honestly, poor kid! She's had in her life: her dad, her stepdad, a boyfriend and now Internet-Johnny-Come-Lately.

expatinscotland · 11/10/2010 10:13

You kid tells you she'd rather be dead and your response is that you don't want to end the relationship and that he'd be gutted.

Honestly, where are your priorities?

bundlebelly · 11/10/2010 10:14

It's really difficult, but SO important. Shelf your own feelings, and focus on your kids. It's really early days, they will need time to adjust. She is insecure, sensing change in you, and just needs to know that the kids come first. Actions speak louder than words! Your new bloke will understand and if he doesn't then he's not as lovely as you think he is.

This time with your kids is precious and quick. Go at their pace, not yours. Have an amazing time with your man when they are at their dads. You won't regret taking time and your kids will be so much happier. Good luck

mumblechum · 11/10/2010 10:15

TBH I think you should keep your love life and family life completely separate for quite a long time, at least six months to a year.

mankyscotslass · 11/10/2010 10:19

Noone said to stop seeing him.

But you need to seperate your relationship with him and your relationship with your DC.

You can see him when they aren't there.

Your DD is hitting puberty, seen you get hurt several times, and is worried for you and herself.

Poor kids. Sad

celticfairy101 · 11/10/2010 10:21

You need to slow this down. You also need to sit back, take a deep breath and reassess what why it is you jump in too quickly. Your past relationships should have by now, shaped your maturity in approaching new relationships. However it seems you have learned very little. What is in your favour is that you have stopped and taken in what your daughter has said.

Take this and run with it for a while. It's not all about you. Your 11 year old is asserting her role within the family and she has every right to do this. Listen to her more and most of all have a grown up and involved talk with her. Your children should be more important to you than any bloke who happens along.

mankyscotslass · 11/10/2010 10:21

I agree with mumble on the 6mths to a year too.

You have no way of knowing if this is going to be a steady realtionship yet, you are too caught up in it.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 11/10/2010 10:23

I think you are behaving outrageously and selfishly.

Your children should come first, always. If your new man really is all that great, then he will understand if you slow things right down and ask him to stop coming over for now.

It is very weird that you have him around at bedtimes, as if he was a member of the family - your children must feel really unsettled by that.

Your poor children :(

paisleyleaf · 11/10/2010 10:24

Like lovesdogsandcats says, I wouldn't fancy there being a strage man sat on the landing at bedtime if I were 6 or 11.

paisleyleaf · 11/10/2010 10:24

'strange'

MidnightsChild · 11/10/2010 10:24

allgone was your DD like this with the ex at the beginning (in other words, is this usual for her) or is this something that is new since you parted from him?

annh · 11/10/2010 10:25

You haven't even really known this man for a month, have you? You met him online a month ago so how many times did you meet in real life before you introduced him to your kids? Your poor dd is only 11, let's hope she couldn't hear you and new man in your room last night!

Original poster
allgonebellyup · 11/10/2010 10:31

Right. Im off.

OP posts:
BooBooGlass · 11/10/2010 10:32

If you don't want opinions, why did you ask? I can't believe you're old enough to have an 11 year old child, you certainly don't seem to act like it Confused

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