Daughter hates me having a new man :-(

[allgonebellyup]

i dont know what to do. I only met him a month ago, online (i know, sounds risky) but we have been meeting every day and texting, and he is one of the loveliest men i have ever met. He goes out of his way to see me when he should be sleeping (he works long night shifts) and is always doing things to make my life easier.
Both my children met him last week, my ds, who is 6, is very keen on him, and asks to see him and play with him all the time.
The trouble is my dd. I had a boyfriend last year who she got very attached to (but we split at xmas), and before that she had her stepdad (for 6 yrs- my ds's father )so i feel so much guilt that she gets attached and then it all ends :-(

My new man stayed over last night (on a mattress on the floor) yet this morning she was screaming and sobbing and saying she would rather be dead than have to find that her life had changed again. i promised her that he wouldnt stay over again for a long time, and that she will always come first, but she doesnt believe me.
He is so amazing to me; last night he sat with me outside my ds' room whilst i waited for him to fall asleep (a stupid routine i have fallen into) and offers to do anything for me and the dc - i havent felt this happy for years.

I dont want to end the relationship, and he would be gutted, but i dont know what else to do?
During the week we meet up in my lunch hour from work - and this works great - but how can i keep him from my home and my dd forever??

i met him online 6 months ago actually, but thats neither here nor there

Don't be too harsh on Allgone, clearly she does care about her children or she wouldn't have this concern.

BOoboo

i dont act old enough to have an 11yr old?
Because i have one man stay over on a mattress once?
Whhooo!

Why did you post if you didn't want input?

What do you want us all to say 'oh yes, it's much more important that you're getting a shag than that your daughter feels safe and secure in her own home'.

You know what you should be doing, but you don't want to do it. Which makes you selfish.

Thanks mumble

i didnt sleep a wink worrying about how my dd would cope.
If i didnt care about her, i wouldnt be asking.

I know of plenty of women who think nothing of letting their new man stay over straight away and meeting their kids, which i think is awful.

Oh don't flounce off.
It makes you look like you're being selfish about it and haven't time for your DCs feelings nor want to slow up a bit with the new relationship.

Well, you got your answer. No more having 'new man' stay over whilst she's there for a while. A long while.

How hard is that?

how am i being selfish when i refuse to see him or even speak to him on the phone when the dc are around in the evenings?
i could see him every single evening but i never do, i always refuse.

Last night was the only time.

I am tying myself up in knots here. i promised her he wouldnt stay over again.
i am hardly saying i want to move in with him. Thats the last thing i want for her.

Okay. You promised her. So now don't unless she's at her dad's. Simples.

i dont even know why i let him stay last night :-(

I think your DDs reaction is entirely understandable.

You have only known this man a month, that is no time at all. What's the rush?

And why are you getting him involved in your kids bedtime routine - or did he invite himself along?

Well, it's water under the bridge now. No more for a long time unless she's at her dad's. Every other weekend. That sounds reasonable.

Hi, I met my wonderful DP online when my kids were 2 & 8. My advice would be the same as the other posters - slow right down. If he is the right guy for you he will understand. A month into a relationship is way too early to introduce him to the children IMO especially in their home and at night time.

Spend time with him when the DC's are with their dad and keep showing and telling them that they are most important people in your life and always will be - IMO DC need to hear this don't assume that it goes without saying.

Your DD sounds like she has had a lot of change in her life - give her some say and control in this situation eg when she feels ready to meet him again and where she would like to go (somewhere neutral might make her feel most comfortable). In my case when we felt that the time was right for DC to meet DP we went to a local park for a picnic - DC's choice.

Try not to force things and listen to your DC. I always said that if DC didn't feel comfortable/happy with a potential partner it would be a non starter for me. HTH

He didnt come round til 10.30 last night (at my say so)- i didnt want him to see the kids at all.
But my son woke up at 11 and i had to sit by his door til he fell asleep, which took 2 hours.
New bloke is NEVER around at their bath/bedtime, i wouldnt have that.

Honestly what did you expect people to say? You are putting you new man before your daughter, you are hardly going to elicit responses filled with sympathy.

You need time yourself to know if this relationship is going anywhere before having him meet the dcs. If it all goes wrong then it's not fair to have the dcs go through that too. Give the dcs a bit of protective distance from your dating. A month in RL is nothing.

I feel for you DD - she doesnt want to be hurt again.

I think you have been given good advice, maybe not the advice you wanted but its advice that will make sure your DD feels secure in her home.

Ok allgone I thought he was doing the bedtime routine with you, that is different.

I think your plan of not having him over unless your DD is at her dads is a good one.

If he is right for you and your kids, well you will find out!

Please don't 'blame' your DD or think she is trying to spoil things for you. From the sound of it she is probably feeling unsettled and unhappy.

You meet at lunch-times?
How often are dcs with their father?

They'd only met him once. It will take way more than that for them to be happy to wake up to him in the house.

Yes, don't worry we all want you to be happy! But you won't be if your kids aren't.
Its good that you've promised her that he won't stay over again, for a long long time. Make sure you stick by your word.
You need time to get to know each other as a couple, just have a good time without the kids, do you get much time without them? Do they see their dad? grandparents?

Allgone - Your DD may also be trying to protect you. I know that when I first told my DD (then aged 8) about DP she was concerned in case he upset me like my exH had done as she didn't want to see mummy unhappy. She gave him quite a hard time when she met him - the 8yr olds equivalent of 'what are your intentions towards my mum' :)

I had to wait 3 years before I met my DP's DD, and we were engaged by that point.

Her mother didn't want me to meet her at all and I had no choice but to respect that.

You can imagine the surprise, then, when her mother met someone and had him staying over after a month.

That little girl now can't get out of her mother's house fast enough.

Sorry but this is ridiculous. If your DD's father did that you'd be on here looking for support about what a rotten father he was.

You actually sound very confused, you say that you don't even speak to the new man when your dc are around so imagine how horrid it must have been for them to wake up at night and find him in your house? You only mention your ds waking up but presumably your dd must have woken too or she wouldn't have been so upset this morning? Everything sounds topsy turvy to be honest - if new man knows that he needs to keep a low profile for the moment, whose idea was it that he stay over in your room? His/yours?

well i will probably get flamed but alot of pedophiles trwl the internet looking for single mums,

if i was your dd i would be very scared.

i dont think you should introdude a partner till youve been together for at least a year