Daughter hates me having a new man :-(

[allgonebellyup]

i dont know what to do. I only met him a month ago, online (i know, sounds risky) but we have been meeting every day and texting, and he is one of the loveliest men i have ever met. He goes out of his way to see me when he should be sleeping (he works long night shifts) and is always doing things to make my life easier.
Both my children met him last week, my ds, who is 6, is very keen on him, and asks to see him and play with him all the time.
The trouble is my dd. I had a boyfriend last year who she got very attached to (but we split at xmas), and before that she had her stepdad (for 6 yrs- my ds's father )so i feel so much guilt that she gets attached and then it all ends :-(

My new man stayed over last night (on a mattress on the floor) yet this morning she was screaming and sobbing and saying she would rather be dead than have to find that her life had changed again. i promised her that he wouldnt stay over again for a long time, and that she will always come first, but she doesnt believe me.
He is so amazing to me; last night he sat with me outside my ds' room whilst i waited for him to fall asleep (a stupid routine i have fallen into) and offers to do anything for me and the dc - i havent felt this happy for years.

I dont want to end the relationship, and he would be gutted, but i dont know what else to do?
During the week we meet up in my lunch hour from work - and this works great - but how can i keep him from my home and my dd forever??

It can be difficult for single mums to start new relationships! There's no reason why you shouldn't, allgone. Your only mistake was to let your new relationship 'invade' family time, so early on.

Bedtime is possibly one of the most family orientated rituals in a child's life and has no place for people who are strangers to them.

The method of having NM around after the children's bedtime can work quite well. You are entitled to that 'adult' space and time and there should be no issue with you having friends 'round then - it does not remove from your family time.

You're entitled to adult friends, male or female! Just preserve those special moments throughout the course of your children's day for just you and them for some time.

Sorry, many x-posts.

I'm not a single parent and hopefully if I ever was I would take current recommendations as to what to do regarding new relationships and children.

However . . . my Mum was a single parent when I was a little girl. I remember her having boyfriends and it didn't bother me at all. I liked them and was interested in them but they were not my Dad.

I remember meeting a girlfriend my Dad had for a while, me, my two sister and her three daughters and we'd all go out together . . . it was fine.

I remember meeting the man who became my new stepfather the first time he came to take my mum out.

I don't remember being fazed by any of it. My relationship with my Mum and Dad was my relationship with them, and their relationships with boyfriends and girlfriends were their business really. And this was the seventies - we were the only children with divorced parents in our school!

But maybe I found it easier as I was the youngest of three girls (8 when my mum and Dad broke up). Perhaps my eldest sister would tell you a different story...

Everything that everybody else has said. I went through a horrible time with my ex and ds2 who was 10 at the time. It was a couple of months before they met and we did it in supposedly the 'right' way, away from the home etc. and still took things very slowly after that, however I still went through a year of hell.

If things are so intense, then it's not just the fact that he was in your home, but also you will have been preoccupied, and yes she would have picked up on this and unfortunately the last two relationships will still be very fresh in her mind.

s difficult as it is when you meet someone who you want to spend as much time as possible with, could you see him only a couple of times a week and then gauge your DAD's reaction, lavish time and love on her it may take months before she feels ready to meet again but if he is that lovely he will understand, if he's pressuring you in any way to speed things up then that's a big warning. If it's meant to be then he'll hang on in there.

Balloonslayer - I was the same, My Stepdad came round one night and then never left, I was 4 so very young.

However the issue is that the OP' DD has a problem with it, and therefore she needs to tread very carefully othewise she may damage the mother/daughter relationship that they both enjoy.

..sorry should say dd's reaction!!!

Wouldn't flame you Carrie and it's another reason why a slower getting to know you before inviting them back to your home is advisable imo. In that time you can meet their friends, family etc and get a feel for whether the relationship has legs, then they can meet the dcs.

The thing is, you are being reasonable by wanting to find someone new (although the advice to slow it down is spot on) but your daughter is also being reasonable by being upset about having yet another new man in her life. It's not your fault (well, people do have more than one relationship in a row) but it is your responsibility to let her express herself and say she's worried. I suspect she's kicking off about her dad, and the step-dad leaving and all the other stuff, and it's just getting focused on this man, it probably wouldn't matter who it was.

It sounds to me like you are panicking too early. If you get in a steady relationship (you should be checking him out in his own home a lot, you can't know someone's lovely, safe, trustworthy after a month, it comes with years of seeing someone behave well, not that they are all kind in the loved-up stage, everyone is like that). Then once you have decided that the relationship is for you, she can get to know him slowly.

Children do say things like 'I'd rather be dead' for dramatic effect. Don't rise to it and have a sleepless night. But do heed the message which your daughter is telling you: you are going too fast, you don't know this bloke well and you need to give everyone time to get over past upsets before ploughing on with another relationship.

Right, so you have had all the lectures about what's best for the kids.

Here's another angle - major, clanging alarm bells are ringing for me about this bloke and his keenness and the speed at which he is moving things along. There's something dodgy going on here I'll bet. I think you have been targetted, not necessarily because he intends any harm but because as a single mother you might fulfill some kind of rescue scenario, alowing him to march in and start controlling things.

Why did you let him stay last night? why was it 10.30 - was it his idea or yours? If he was pushing to come round there is your answer.

Alarm bells for me too.

BellyUp, we all want everyone to be happy, but your DC are not. That is a non-negotiable.

Until you are absolutely sure of this bloke, and by that, you have to know him for a good year before you are in any position to even have an opinion, the DC are totally and utterly not involved.

He does NOT stay over, not at all, unless they are elsewhere.

You met this guy on the internet 6m ago
You met him in RL 4 weeks ago
He slept over at your house this week?
Your daughter is in bits, she has had a number of men in her life already and you are bringing one you don't know into her home.

ENOUGH, don't flounce, cos you need to hear this.

Stand back and look at these points above, what would you tell your best mate?

Your DC come before everything, before you, before your social life, before anything.

This is non-negotiable.

This bloke is NOT a good one.

Er...why is this bloke "NOT a good one?"
Have you met him then??

Im with the posters who say a minimum of 6 months is an acceptable length of time ... however I would actually keep home life and personal life apart for about a year ... I dont think this is asking too much.

As for how I know he's NOT a good one?

How do YOU know that he IS a 'good man'?

You had a bloke last year and that didn't work out and he was involved with your DC.

This bloke you don't even know and he's involved with your DC in a matter of weeks.

WRONG! Sorry if you don't like to hear it, but it IS wrong.

That poor 9yo girl that was strangled in the back of a lorry was killed by her mums P. They had been together for 18m. She didn't see it coming, and she knew him a darn sight better than you know this guy.

Put your kids first, not your sex live. Get a sitter, or wait till your DC are with their dad and see how it goes.

IF he's the decent man you think he might be, he will understand.

The very fact that you are looking at this thread after a monthj shows that you have niggles in your mind. You are still moving way too fast

Wow..some of the comments on here have gone a little to far... but the fact is that there never is the 'perfect time' to introduce children to a new man and each situation has to be judged differently and handled dependent on individual circumstances...however saying that if your DS's have reacted badly, you must take note, you don't have to ditch him...but just look at a different approach and keep him apart from your DS's until things are a little more settled. Unfortunately the past relationships would have impacted on them, so they are going to have some anxiety's. Also seeing him everyday, as much as that's a normal feeling for you both, for your DS that's not good. You need to have a look at the balance of time here between NM and DS's ....you may have to constantly re-adjust this for quite a while yet.

Hope I'm not coming across as 'judgy' but I have been in the same situation in the past and know from experience that unless you judge the situation correctly, there's an awful lot of heartache all round.

I don't think children should control who their parent sees and when or you end up with spoilt kids like tatum O Neil chasing father Ryan's girlfriends all away.
On the other hand if she sees her father every fortnight then if like most kids she's away Fri eve until Sun eve you have every other weekend to see this bloke.
You could also look at getting a babysitter 1 evening a week.
I agree it's too early for him to be hanging around the house, but it doesn't have to be all or nothing.

Thanks Rebecca.
In the last month he has only been coming round when the dc arent here (they go to childminder after school) and at weekends when they are away.
It is working out a lot better and daughter is a lot happier. She says she likes it to be just the 3 of us (me, her and ds) and i quite like that really!

So i keep blokey as my separate thing, and although he did feel a bit hurt to start with, he seems to completely understand now. I agree it was my fault that it was all moving on way too fast for dd, even though i did wait til kids were in bed until he came round. So its all looking ok and dd is cheerful !