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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

S**t I have really f***ed up!

62 replies

emskilou · 10/10/2010 16:59

This may come out like a waffle but bear with me.......oh and I may swear a bit too.

DP was out yesterday afternoon I had had a hectic day and couldnt be bothered cooking so thought I know pizza! (I know I know terrible mum Sad ) Anyway I couldnt find the number so went online to order it, as I went on DP's facebook was on, so I had a little muck around changed his profile pic, updated his status etc (I am always leaving mine on and he does the same to me but is always waaaayyyyy funnier than I am!!) anyway I noticed an application on his called 'compare hotness' me being curious/stupid I clicked on it to see what it was, anyway, the general gist of it is outrageous flirting, women with their bobblies out etc, I thought it odd he had that on there then saw he had some messages (I know I know I know that is the beginning of my fuck up) There were loads of messages from other women, some with their bobblies out some clothed, lots of flirting. I was quite saddened to see all this, but left it at that, not as if he is off shagging them I thought.

ANYWAY (soooo sorry for the waffle) this morning we are up at stupid o'clock as ds has a horrible little cough, DP gets up and gives him medicine but puts him back into bed, I get up to get a drink and go get DS to put into bed with me and DP is on facebook already. Now I know its addictive but to be the first thing you do when you get up? The combination of being stupid o'clock, being miffed that he is on FB at stupid o'clock and what I had discovered the afternoon before I was peeved, so I told him what I had discovered the previous day and that I wasnt particularly bothered if that is what he wants to do so be it. Well he went berserk, told me to never go near the laptop again etc etc. He has barely spoken to me all day and has dodged me like I have the plague if he has to walk past me Sad I feel like crap, I know I shouldnt have looked at that app, I know it was wrong, I have apologised and I have cried my arse off all day long (in secret of course no-one wants to see an ALice Cooper lookalike!!)

I am not too sure why I posted this to be honest, guess I just wanted to get it off my chest..........

Thanks for reading, Em x

OP posts:
CheeseandGherkins · 10/10/2010 17:01

So he's been talking to women on facebook with their breasts out, you found out, and he's somehow made you feel guilty, had a go at you and got you to apologise? Something isn't right there....

nancydrewrocked · 10/10/2010 17:04

You haven't fucked up your DP has and he is acting like a shit because he knows it.

At the very least he owes you an apology and an explanation. You have done nothing wrong given that he looks at your FB

BelleDameAvecBroomstick · 10/10/2010 17:04

CheeseandGherkins has it right, of course.

Guilty conscience = over-reaction.

Original poster
emskilou · 10/10/2010 17:05

He said it was an invasion of privacy, they were women he had known years and he only goes on that app when he is bored Hmm

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 10/10/2010 17:09

I have male friends.

I don't message them with pictures of my tits.

He is bullshitting you.

mamas12 · 10/10/2010 17:09

Offs Don't fall for that.
He is in the wrong is your mantra today.
He owes you an apology

Do not under an circumstances take his double think and blame yourself.

He is a dick

purplepeony · 10/10/2010 17:09

and in reply you presumably said yeah, pull the other one, it's got bells on?

YOU have not fucked up. he has.

Mum72 · 10/10/2010 17:11

Erm to be honest I dont think you should feel guilty for looking.

He left it open. You intended to dabble/mess about/joke with his FB like he does with yours. You then saw something and clicked.

You were not snooping.

YOU HAVE NOT FUCKED UP. He has.

Please dont feel guilty. He is the one in the wrong here not you. He is doing the classic blame thing in order to try and divert any "implication" away from him.

Only you know whether his interation with these type of women is a deal breaker or an issue for you. No one here can say to you its right or wrong for your relationship. For my relationship - I would not be happy at all. Its not something I could just let go, infact it would be a massive issue.

Fine - if its not an issue for you but his attitude stinks. Taking the other women out of the equation - he plays with your FB "for a giggle" and how arsey do you get with him for that??

I would be asking if he has more to hide tbh!

GeekOfTheWeek · 10/10/2010 17:11

Meant to add that it isn't you that has fucked up by a long shot.

Original poster
emskilou · 10/10/2010 17:11

He did go out and buy a tumble dryer today though Hmm

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 10/10/2010 17:12

Buying a tumble dryer doesn't excuse his beahviour.

Northernlurker · 10/10/2010 17:13

No he's got this wrong. What's he's been doing is wrong - because you didn't know about and hadn't agreed to it. He is wrong - and has been caugt out here and if anyone feels like crap it should be him.

ImSpartacus · 10/10/2010 17:13

He sounds a bellend.

Would he be ok with you sending pictures of your tits to other men?

Original poster
emskilou · 10/10/2010 17:17

I do believe he would never act on anything other that 'chat' with these boob flashers, he is an astounding DP, me and the children are his world, oh god that sounds like desperate bollocks coming from a pathetic woman! he is in the kitchen making tea now with DD and thats not a new thing thats a regular occurence. Perhaps it was just harmless 'fun' with some ladies who are more than happy for the whole of facebook to see their nipples?

OP posts:
GeekOfTheWeek · 10/10/2010 17:19

This would be a dealbreaker for me.

Harmless fun is monopoly or scrabble not flashing body parts.

BigOfNorks · 10/10/2010 17:20

You have not done anything wrong . But as you are upset and his massive over-reaction (guilt) I would say he is.

Original poster
emskilou · 10/10/2010 17:22

Thank you for the hug :) much appreciated. Dont think I realised how insecure I was until now, shit!

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 10/10/2010 17:25

He's got something to hide and is a cornered rat, hence the aggression. Sorry, but I would bet my barnacles that he's been up to no good online.

I'm sorry as you really don't seem to think he could do it and I do hope you're right. But I don't think that's a normal reaction. Blowing up at you then over-compensating sounds like trouble to me.

BigOfNorks · 10/10/2010 17:27

No it is not insecure if my DP did this I would have a problem. Dp would have a problem if I did this Smile but his screaming says it all really he knows it was wrong so he is using attack as a form of defense.

Original poster
emskilou · 10/10/2010 17:31

Oh balls I know you are all right, I just want a happy lovely relationship and family. So now what do I do???

OP posts:
BigOfNorks · 10/10/2010 17:42

Well for starters he would be on the settee in my house while I decided what I wanted to do. Maybe once he says sorry have the application removed and definitely tell him how he has really hurt your trust.

Madascheese · 10/10/2010 17:43

I'd play it cool with him.

Don't start any more discussions about it.

he has messed up and he knows what he's done.
Let him work out how to put it right.

It doesn't have tobe th eend of your relationship, think in terms of it's how people deal with shit that makes and breaks relationships, not what happens...

good luck.

Madascheese · 10/10/2010 17:44

oh and a tumble drier?? Hmm

I wouldn't be forgiving for anything less than sparkly stuff.

A tumble drier isn't a make up present...3/10 for him must try harder

HecateQueenOfWitches · 10/10/2010 17:47

attack is the best form of defence.

The guilty always seek to make their 'victim' the bad guy. It allows them to justify their behaviour to themselves.

This goes for infidelity, abuse - all the way down to the poor judgement and flirty stuff you are talking about.

The trick is to not allow them to twist the argument so that it focuses on you and takes the heat off them.

phipps · 10/10/2010 17:49

A guilty man usually kicks off. You have either caught him out with something or have stopped it happening and he is pissed off.

You have not fucked up. A couple should be able to read anything each other posts if they are in a trusting and loving relationship.