Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

S**t I have really f***ed up!

62 replies

emskilou · 10/10/2010 16:59

This may come out like a waffle but bear with me.......oh and I may swear a bit too.

DP was out yesterday afternoon I had had a hectic day and couldnt be bothered cooking so thought I know pizza! (I know I know terrible mum Sad ) Anyway I couldnt find the number so went online to order it, as I went on DP's facebook was on, so I had a little muck around changed his profile pic, updated his status etc (I am always leaving mine on and he does the same to me but is always waaaayyyyy funnier than I am!!) anyway I noticed an application on his called 'compare hotness' me being curious/stupid I clicked on it to see what it was, anyway, the general gist of it is outrageous flirting, women with their bobblies out etc, I thought it odd he had that on there then saw he had some messages (I know I know I know that is the beginning of my fuck up) There were loads of messages from other women, some with their bobblies out some clothed, lots of flirting. I was quite saddened to see all this, but left it at that, not as if he is off shagging them I thought.

ANYWAY (soooo sorry for the waffle) this morning we are up at stupid o'clock as ds has a horrible little cough, DP gets up and gives him medicine but puts him back into bed, I get up to get a drink and go get DS to put into bed with me and DP is on facebook already. Now I know its addictive but to be the first thing you do when you get up? The combination of being stupid o'clock, being miffed that he is on FB at stupid o'clock and what I had discovered the afternoon before I was peeved, so I told him what I had discovered the previous day and that I wasnt particularly bothered if that is what he wants to do so be it. Well he went berserk, told me to never go near the laptop again etc etc. He has barely spoken to me all day and has dodged me like I have the plague if he has to walk past me Sad I feel like crap, I know I shouldnt have looked at that app, I know it was wrong, I have apologised and I have cried my arse off all day long (in secret of course no-one wants to see an ALice Cooper lookalike!!)

I am not too sure why I posted this to be honest, guess I just wanted to get it off my chest..........

Thanks for reading, Em x

OP posts:
Hullygully · 10/10/2010 17:49

He's a moronic wanker.

Which is fine, but please don't be such a fuckwit that you blame yourslf.

Original poster
emskilou · 10/10/2010 19:10

I'd go for twat not fuckwit Wink I am not going to start anymore conversations about it, he has been doing lots of things that I would normally be doing so I think that is the start of the 'making it up to me' just about to put the squids to bed so will see how the land lies when they are not around.......

Thank you all for your replies though, our relationship has gone from amazing bliss to slightly shit in a day and I am like a rabbit in headlights, a swearing rabbit in headlights at that...........

OP posts:
BigOfNorks · 10/10/2010 19:15

I hope you manage to sort things out Smile

Original poster
emskilou · 10/10/2010 19:18

So do I Bigofnorks, this arguing bollocks is complete dog turd and so overrated

OP posts:
FrogInAJacuzzi · 10/10/2010 19:21

I'd agree with you emskilou, certainly twattish bit nothing worse. He probably feels really stupid now, also guilty and embarrassed. He probably saw it all as a bit of naughty fun, titillating but not too terrible, much like porn. If he really had something to hide he would not have left his laptop open, he would have started password changing and the like.

Only you can know how serious this is to you. If it's women he actually knows then it's obviously a lot worse. I hope that this helps the 2 of you establish what the acceptable boundaries are in your relationship.

On an aside : how sad are these women that they need to expose their tits on the internet anyway?

snoozathon · 10/10/2010 19:23

Ohhh that is such a crappy thing to do. He told you they are women he's known for years? That makes it worse - it's not random internet porn but women he knows and has interacted with! I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but I think you deserve an explanation, an apology and reassurance that it will not happen again.

And yy sparkly things not tumble-driers are for proper gentlemanly apologies!

peggotty · 10/10/2010 19:24

It's a bit worrying that you immediately thought that you were in the wrong when he was caught looking at other women's tits and messaging them! Surely you know that it's him that needs to grovel and self-flagellate, not you?!

Original poster
emskilou · 10/10/2010 19:27

That is exactly how I feel and I am of the mind that the woman flashing their bojangles for all to see are pathetic ladies with little self respect (and a higher than necessary opinion of said fun bags)

I do not believe he will do anything about it, much like porn, a woman flashing at a man is going to grab his attention, its all on an app not from a 'friend'

Looking from the outside in this is all bloody ridiculous, its fecking facebook for fecks sake!!

Ok now I think I am going bonkers, straight jacket anyone............. Grin

OP posts:
Eurostar · 10/10/2010 19:28

Women he has known for years are part of facebook club posting topless pictures?....

Original poster
emskilou · 10/10/2010 19:29

Oh I didnt immediately think I was wrong, he put his side of the story across and I could see his point of view and felt a bit crap about what I did

OP posts:
Original poster
emskilou · 10/10/2010 19:31

I have to admit the 'women he has known for years' is a load of old codswallop and he was trying to justify the 'conversations' mid argument with me

OP posts:
peggotty · 10/10/2010 19:33

So is this is the same as him looking at porn? I have no idea about apps and fb etc. Was he talking to/interacting with real women in real time?

Original poster
emskilou · 10/10/2010 19:38

IMO it is the same as porn, some filthy tramp is getting her bobblies out, seeing a pic of DP and complimenting him and a 'conversation' has started. It's IMO titillation which is why when I saw it I calmly said to him I'd seen it and that I wasn't bothered if thats what he wants to do so be it, but it's not something I would do and if it goes further I am off.

OP posts:
Vinegartits · 10/10/2010 19:49

that fact that he blew up at you has guilt written all over it, you found out his dirty little secret and its projection to turn it around on you

he's fucked, not you, make him grovel

Vinegartits · 10/10/2010 19:50

shite i keep missing words, my head is fuddled

hes fucked up, and its classic projection, is what i meant to put Blush

peggotty · 10/10/2010 19:55

Well it sounds a step further than porn tbh, sorry Sad. It would worry me that he would take that next step again iyswim. You must be really hurt.

nomedoit · 10/10/2010 20:01

Em, I think you are in denial about this guy.

Time will tell.

But if he really had nothing to hide he would have been embarrassed, a little ashamed, apologetic and contrite. Not 'berserk'.

A couple of questions...

  1. can you access all his email account?
  2. can you check his mobile?

I would keep my eyes and ears open from now on.

Eurostar · 10/10/2010 20:04

I'm not understanding either why you think that you have fucked up. Unless you believe that your marriage only works if DH gets to play around with porn on the side (in secret so he can live in denial of wasting time with it) and you have now raised the elephant in the room.

If the first thing a grown man does when he gets up is go on Facebook I'd think that there was something wrong and not with me.

Original poster
emskilou · 11/10/2010 14:21

Hmmmmmm clearly I have a lot to think about.......... and yes I can access his email, he asks me to if he is out and he is always leaving his mobile about and has asked me to pick up or answer texts if it goes off

OP posts:
QueenGigantaurofMnet · 11/10/2010 14:29

my initial thought was that it is facebook and as such just because he has the app doesn't mean he necessarily uses it. especially if he leaves his page there for all to see.

but his reaction would very much bother me. i wouldn't be crying with guilt over 'fucking up' i would be absolutely furious at his doible standards of acceptable breaches of privacy.
i don't know whether there os more to this app but i do know that the reaction you got is far far beyond acceptable.

QueenGigantaurofMnet · 11/10/2010 14:31

my initial thought was that it is facebook and as such just because he has the app doesn't mean he necessarily uses it. especially if he leaves his page there for all to see.

but his reaction would very much bother me. i wouldn't be crying with guilt over 'fucking up' i would be absolutely furious at his doible standards of acceptable breaches of privacy.
i don't know whether there os more to this app but i do know that the reaction you got is far far beyond acceptable.

Original poster
emskilou · 11/10/2010 14:34

It was his reaction that upset (and shocked) me the most, but I am the kind of person that cries when they are angry (except if someone has hurt or upset my DCs then I turn into the incredible hulk)

OP posts:
Katerlina · 11/10/2010 14:35

Em - Ive read through all the advice and your original post - you sound like you two were pretty happy before, so I think a bit of calm talking with your DP is what is in order here. And you need to establish what exactly you are prepared to put up with.

My DP watches porn (don't they all?) but he is well aware that anything more is off the agenda, and is indeed the dealbreaker.

Might want to ask why he does it - in a calm way - don't get him all defensive, or he'll just start chucking the insults about again in an effort to shift the blame. Try and stay calm and reasonable and explain why you want to know and how it's made you feel.

Perhaps if you back away from both your insecurities and guilt you might actually find something out about each other that will help in the long run.

Good luck me old china and don't let something as silly as a Facebook app destroy what you seem to have had with him up to now.

But I would suggest he needs to remove the damn thing from his profile as step one!!

Original poster
emskilou · 11/10/2010 14:43

Ahhhh thats a lovely message thank you Katerlina. We were and still are (it seems to be all happy again today) extremely happy, never a crossed word and all that, which is probably why this has shocked me.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/10/2010 14:48

But what if he does not delete this bloody FB application?. How would the OP know if it was or was not deleted?.

I am suspicious by his reaction to being found out; his anger was explosive and was desgined to make the OP the fall guy for his actions. The poor judgment is his and his alone.

Apart from anything else pandering or trying to appease these selfish menchildren in my view makes them worse.

Not all men look at porn either.

Swipe left for the next trending thread