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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this just DH taking care of me? its just that I feel so uneasy about things

63 replies

CrazyPea · 08/10/2010 22:47

Best be quick as I'm coming up to my time limit on the pc soon and dh will be up to see what i'm doing.

DH is being really weird lately and I can't put my finger on wether its because I have been ill (PND) or its just him.

his latest thing tonight was to check the millage on the car because he is worried that I am doing to much and he wanted to see how far I've been driving.

I have to ask for money now and have to tell him what I need it fir and show him receipts.

he does the food shopping online to be delivered and I know exactly what he walks me to cook for each meal and he's not very happy if I get it wrong.

Is this normal? I have been very ill needing inpatient care in a psych hospital but am much better now.

If I tell DH I am ok now and don't need all this help he says he loves me and its his job to look after me and make sure I don't get ill again. He tells me I am fragile.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/10/2010 22:50

please, no

Myleetlepony · 08/10/2010 22:51

You know this isn't right don't you? He's being wierd and controlling. I'm sure some experienced people will be along soon to offer some good advice, but meanwhile here's some moral support from me.

ReneRusso · 08/10/2010 22:51

Sorry you've been ill.
No it's not normal, it sounds very controlling behaviour and a bit scary. Telling you you are fragile is a way of controlling you and keeping you penned in.

DinahRod · 08/10/2010 22:53

Do you have access to mental health counselling? Just an idea, but sounds like both you and dh could do with a third party perspective.

colditz · 08/10/2010 22:54

Er, no. this is not taking care of you, this is checking up on you to see what you have been doing. If you are fragile, why is he asking you to cook specific things for meals? WHat possible bearing does that have on your mental health?

None. Your husband is a control freak.

ANd, BTW, you are NOT fragile, you are NOT weak, you are NOT made of glass. You have been very ill yet still you have been strong and aware enough to see that his behavior is weird and very very wrong. You should be proud of yourself.

I'll be the first to say it - challange his behavior (he won't like this and he WILL say you are "being mental again") and if he doesn't stop ALL of the above, leave him.

FrozenChocolate · 08/10/2010 22:54

Checking mileage, never good.

Online food shopping, good.

'Not very happy if I get it wrong' not good.

If he wants specific things cooking then maybe he could cook it himself?

Tortington · 08/10/2010 22:55

if dh asked the mileage on my car - i would tell him to fuck off

if he told me what to cook and when - fuck off

if he told me to show reciepts - i would tell him to fuck right off.

no its not normal.

DinahRod · 08/10/2010 22:57

Was he like this before the onset of PND?

Original poster
CrazyPea · 08/10/2010 22:58

I do have a cpn and a psych. He never use to be like this. I can't even get my head round it properly firstly because is being so lovely and attentive but also because being ill makes me doubt my thoughts and feelings now, almost as if I don't know my own mind.

This one is going to sound really really weird but I am desperately trying to lose the babyweight and am doing ok but DH keeps buying bloody chocolate or takeaways and keeps offering it to me. Am I being paranoid about that one

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 08/10/2010 22:59

Time limit on pc - not good. As is checking milage and dictating what you cook and when you cook it.

Looking after you would mean him sending you for a rest while he cooks. Or him driving the DC somewhere to save you doing so.

Alarm bells are ringing. And for good reason.

Ladydutchalot · 08/10/2010 22:59

I second that. If you are supposedly as fragile as he makes out (which, and I mean this kindly, you are not. You are looking after a dh and a baby, that is no mean feat!!!) he should be making the meals, doing the housework and allowing you to rest, not checking up on you continually and adding stress. You do need to let him know that this is not making you feel at ease, and he needs to take a step back. If he explodes at that comment then he is being overly controlling, and you need to see where you should go from there.

Original poster
CrazyPea · 08/10/2010 23:00

also, god i'm on a role now. he laughs at the meals I make, not a big deal but alway feel like I get it wrong

OP posts:
ReneRusso · 08/10/2010 23:00

Try telling him you would like to start taking care of the food shopping order and deciding on the meals. This is a perfectly reasonable stance. See what he says.

gomummy · 08/10/2010 23:01

All of the above.

lisad123isgoingcrazy · 08/10/2010 23:01

leave now, he is a control freak and will get worse!

Original poster
CrazyPea · 08/10/2010 23:02

I will try that. I want to start getting control of my life again. I do just fine when he is at work

OP posts:
Tortington · 08/10/2010 23:03

tell him your support team people want you to take some control over everyday things to help you get better.

Original poster
CrazyPea · 08/10/2010 23:03

Have to go now as am pushing it, was suspose to only be on her till 11. I will be back though. Thanks all x

OP posts:
DinahRod · 08/10/2010 23:04

Have you talked about this with the CPN or the psych?

DinahRod · 08/10/2010 23:06

Maybe if it comes from the psych or CPN, dh can step back? If he wasn't like this before, just wonder why he is now?

mummytime · 09/10/2010 06:15

Do talk to your health professionals about it. They may help, and if it affects your recovery at least it will explain why to them.

But no it doesn't sound helpful. (But some of it may be unconscious controlling behavior, eg. the chocolates.)

I hope things get better.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 09/10/2010 06:27

Not normal, no.... You are your own person and you need to take back control.

How fucking DARE he check your mileage, decide when you can have money, criticise the food you cook, control how much time you spend on the PC. Angry

I think you need to mention all this to the HPs you are dealing with for your PND. I think he's using this as an excuse to control you.

Bucharest · 09/10/2010 06:44

What everyone else has said.

Take care and keep talking to us. Smile

Madascheese · 09/10/2010 07:08

What they all said and was ready to tell you when you started with the phrase:

'Best be quick as I'm coming up to my time limit on the pc soon and dh will be up to see what i'm doing.'

Keep talking to people here and tell him your a fecking grown up and can choose how long you want to spend on the internet.

Good luck

Daveyboy · 09/10/2010 07:25

oh My God.

classic stuff, buying you things to keep you fat.

He is messing with your mind. Do you have access to a phone he can't check? Womens aid is very helpful. He is what's known as a 'headworker'. He's trying to make you think you are mad. In fact I would be strongly suspicious that he put you in that hospital when there was nothing wrong with you.

You need to run like hell. Tell your CPN and everyone you can think of what is going on.

Good luck and keep posting.