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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this just DH taking care of me? its just that I feel so uneasy about things

63 replies

CrazyPea · 08/10/2010 22:47

Best be quick as I'm coming up to my time limit on the pc soon and dh will be up to see what i'm doing.

DH is being really weird lately and I can't put my finger on wether its because I have been ill (PND) or its just him.

his latest thing tonight was to check the millage on the car because he is worried that I am doing to much and he wanted to see how far I've been driving.

I have to ask for money now and have to tell him what I need it fir and show him receipts.

he does the food shopping online to be delivered and I know exactly what he walks me to cook for each meal and he's not very happy if I get it wrong.

Is this normal? I have been very ill needing inpatient care in a psych hospital but am much better now.

If I tell DH I am ok now and don't need all this help he says he loves me and its his job to look after me and make sure I don't get ill again. He tells me I am fragile.

OP posts:
wrinklyraisin · 09/10/2010 07:38

Seriously sounds like he's in need of psych inpatient help rather than you. I agree with everyone else. His behavior is not normal. He's on a mission to control you in every way. Keeping you "fat" and making you unsure of your own mind are clasic psychological abuse tactics. He wants you to feel so bad about yourself that you think he's the only one who could ever love you. Majorly wrong. Seek advice from Womens Aid ASAP before he has a chance to track your moves on the computer. Which he might already be doing. Giving you a time limit ffs??! You are an adult and a fully capable one at that. He's not a very nice person at all. Please get help to protect yourself.

wrinklyraisin · 09/10/2010 07:38

Seriously sounds like he's in need of psych inpatient help rather than you. I agree with everyone else. His behavior is not normal. He's on a mission to control you in every way. Keeping you "fat" and making you unsure of your own mind are clasic psychological abuse tactics. He wants you to feel so bad about yourself that you think he's the only one who could ever love you. Majorly wrong. Seek advice from Womens Aid ASAP before he has a chance to track your moves on the computer. Which he might already be doing. Giving you a time limit ffs??! You are an adult and a fully capable one at that. He's not a very nice person at all. Please get help to protect yourself.

clam · 09/10/2010 10:11

I think you should start by changing your username.

Not sure how "taking care of you" has translated into him policing your use of the PC, car and bank account.

Well done you, for beginning to recognise that this isn't right. We're here to help you. But can I suggest you delete your browsing history every time you log on?

SolidGoldBrass · 09/10/2010 10:16

Yes, seriously abusive dangerous man, sorry. Your MH problems woud probably disappear in short order if you got rid of him.
DO tell your MH professionals ASAP that your DP is policing you like this, and you are concerned that he is psychologically abusing you.

piratecat · 09/10/2010 10:21

you should be telling them yes, it's wrong and it's your everyday life. How can any health people help you with this man obliterrating your esteem, individuality and very being?

Honestly, please listen and try to take it in, you are being conditioned and controlled.

JiggeryPopery · 09/10/2010 10:23

Crumbs.

He sounds like the source of your health problems. Sad

BalloonSlayer · 09/10/2010 10:36

I second that the OP needs to confide in someone in real life.

However, since she has been very ill there may just be some back story.

People with severe depression have been known to:

  • drive aimlessly in the car for hours on end
  • overspend recklessly
  • feel unable to make everyday decisions, such as what to have for dinner

I am not saying that the OP has been doing any of those things, but if she had then maybe some of the behaviours of the DH might not be so extreme.

Obviously she needs to take back control now that she is better.

I DO agree that the situation needs addressing but I do think that conclusions are being leapt to.

newnamethistime · 09/10/2010 10:46

BalloonSlayer

even if the OP did those things the way you described, the way her partner is behaving would only hinder her recovery from PND.

The biggest thing that stood out to me was that he 'was not happy' if she did not cook what he expected for dinner (based upon his meal planning...).
Objectively, this will not support someone with depression, it will only make anxiety etc worse.

Tortington · 09/10/2010 10:50

that could be her perception to be fair.

im so confused i have to wonder how the op is!

after balloons post it has got me wondering.

i think the op needs to seek real life help and intervention.

BalloonSlayer · 09/10/2010 11:01

You are probably right, newname.

But I feel that some of the posts on this thread are downright dangerous.

Crazypea has been so ill with PND that she had to be admitted to hospital. That is VERY ill. She now says she is much better, which is great, but still is under the care of a CPN and psychologist/psychiatrist. If she were totally recovered, she would have been discharged.

To say things like:

"He sounds like the source of your health problems" and "Your MH problems woud probably disappear in short order if you got rid of him" are IMO pretty irresponsible, when her illness and the causes of it have been diagnosed by professionals who know all her background.

I think the only responsible answer on a thread like this is: it does sound a bit off and you should discuss it with your health professionals.

Janos · 09/10/2010 12:06

Can I pop my two pennorth in here please?

I also had severe PND and was an inpatient in a psych hospital (not a great experience), so I have some insight (not saying it's that exact same situ by any means).

I also acknowledge that PND can cause you to behave irrationally.

However, I too had a very 'caring' partner who behaved in similar (not identical) fashion. His caring was all about having control.

Some time afterwards we split up. It was awful. Essentially I had become completely dependant on him. He then met someone else, decided it was over and took every opportunity to flaunt his new relationship. Anyway, moving on.

We are now 5 years down the line and my mental health problems have completely disappeared.

Not saying your DH is the same CrazyPea but you are right to be concerned. Is your HV sympathetic? Mine were a great source of support. Maybe start there if she is. If not, is there anyone else you can speak to?

Good luck to you.

ItsGraceAgain · 09/10/2010 12:10

CrazyPea, it's not normal or sensible for your husband to restrict your time on the computer. It was only 3 minutes after eleven when you posted; even if they needed to use it after you, a sensible person would give you a 5-minute reminder or something. Neither is it normal or sensible that you're not allowed to choose the food shopping or what you make for dinner. Making fun of the meals you cook is cruel & inconsiderate - it will certainly not help your confidence. It's OK for you to tell him not to do that.

Do you have money of your own, or does he make you ask for anything you need? I agree with everybody else that your very first port of call should be your health & support workers. Give them facts, as you have done here, don't get sidetracked by "how do you feel about it" until you're confident they understand the realities of your daily life. Use private browsing when you come to Mumsnet, just in case, and close the browser when you leave the computer.

Good luck with the health people, and please let us know how you are :)

amberlight · 09/10/2010 13:03

I was a carer for a relative with a mental health condition for a long while. If she did something that was a danger or really a huge problem (like giving away all her money to complete strangers when she was in one of her 'up' moods), then we'd sit down and talk it through, and I'd involve the healthcare team and we'd work through a solution together. I'd never have dreamed of controlling which hour she did X at, or laughing at things she did or having that degree of control over her life. Some basic safeguards when needed, yes. But recovering is about feeling respected and valued and able to make good choices for yourself, not about someone 'being a parent' and making you behave like a naughty toddler who needs to be told what to eat, what to think, what to do.

I'm on the autism spectrum and also have a care package myself, and again it's about people helping me think, if I need it, and respecting that sometimes I really do want to do things that are different. No-one tries to control my life for me in the ways outlined in the OP.

I'm concerned.

BalloonSlayer · 09/10/2010 13:41

Hopefully Crazypea's feeling that her DH is taking too much control is a sign that her recovery is going well, and that she should be able to tell him to back off.

If, as she says, he does not seem to be able to back off, then there is a problem.

But I maintain that comments such as: "He's trying to make you think you are mad. In fact I would be strongly suspicious that he put you in that hospital when there was nothing wrong with you" are shockingly irresponsible.

This is 2010 not 1910. How the hell can someone "put" their wife into hospital FFS?

ItsGraceAgain · 09/10/2010 13:55

Mine did.

BalloonSlayer · 09/10/2010 15:29

What, when there was "nothing wrong with you" to quote that other poster from further up the thread?

It is often ones nearest and dearest who alert the mental health services of someone being in a vulnerable state. But to be admitted to hospital, it has to be on a Doctor's recommendation. And they would normally only admit someone if they appeared to be a danger to themselves or to others.

Daveyboy's post conjurs up images of something out of a Victorian novel.

Mumcentreplus · 09/10/2010 15:42

hmmm..surely he should be helping you to become independant no?..not dependant..building you up not breaking you down or diminishing your responsibilites...have you spoken to him about how you feel?? and what he's doing?...he may just think he's trying to help you and has ended up trying to control your every action..not good...talk to someone else about this...it doesn't mean he's a bad DH but has mis-understood what you need from him..

thesunshinesbrightly · 09/10/2010 16:39

I had to show reciepts, add up every penny.

Spyware on pc

I was never allowed to cook shopping also done online.

= nutter

Get rid of him.

ItsGhoulAgain · 09/10/2010 17:49

No, BalloonSlayer, he didn't wrap me in a strait jacket and bundle me off to the clinic - and I don't think that was the suggestion. He did, however (ably assisted by my equally insane boss at the time), reduce a competent, independent, healthy & successful woman to an anxious wreck. Having become unable to conduct my daily life, I requested admission to hospital. My diagnosis: depression.

giveitago · 09/10/2010 22:19

What ballon says does make sense as do the other posters.

But OP is fragile and taking over her life is doing her harm whatever his intententions.

He needs help on how best to support you right now.

But I'm really not liking he buys the food - he decides his meals, you cook them and then he laughs.

DandyLioness · 09/10/2010 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ItsGhoulAgain · 09/10/2010 23:00

I'm not really getting why PND couldn't be the result of, or exacerbated by, a man messing with your head. But there's much I'm not getting on here tonight. I keep feeling as if I've wandered into the 1960s.

So I'm going to catch up on Mad Men instead.

Janos · 09/10/2010 23:16

I think it can be Grace...of course I can't know for sure whether I would have suffered or not but XP certainly contributed to it, at the least.

I remember himt elling the CPN he thought I was putting it on because I didn't want to look after DS.

Cause yeah, CPNs rock up to see people who are just feeling a bit tired and fed up aaaalll the time....

(apols for sidetracking...it still grates nearly 6 years later, can you tell?).

DandyLioness · 09/10/2010 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 10/10/2010 08:10

How are you today OP?