Is this just DH taking care of me? its just that I feel so uneasy about things

[CrazyPea]

Best be quick as I'm coming up to my time limit on the pc soon and dh will be up to see what i'm doing.

DH is being really weird lately and I can't put my finger on wether its because I have been ill (PND) or its just him.

his latest thing tonight was to check the millage on the car because he is worried that I am doing to much and he wanted to see how far I've been driving.

I have to ask for money now and have to tell him what I need it fir and show him receipts.

he does the food shopping online to be delivered and I know exactly what he walks me to cook for each meal and he's not very happy if I get it wrong.

Is this normal? I have been very ill needing inpatient care in a psych hospital but am much better now.

If I tell DH I am ok now and don't need all this help he says he loves me and its his job to look after me and make sure I don't get ill again. He tells me I am fragile.

Of course what he is doing is not right, but remember when you live with a depressed person there is enormous strain, particularly his world was turned upside down new baby, wife who was very ill - enought to need inpatient care, and depressed people are very difficult to live with, watching the person you love be in so much pain and behave so irrationally according to your expectations. I suspect he is just terrified that you will become depressed again and he not notice, or you do something to inadvertently harm yourself. Also a depressed person behaves very differently in a relationship dynamic. Before shouting out ABUSE, perhaps a long sit down with your GP or health professionals and him and clearly talk about it. And remember that he has been suffering too. He may also have become depressed, frankly under these circumstances it wouldn't surprise me. He probably doesn't even realise that he is doing this, just trying to keep everything together. And yes I am a woman, but live with a depressed person and can see the other side of this.

i trained as an rmn and although do not work in that field anymore i seem to recall this type of behaviour in other male partners of women with mental illness. One lady seemed to enjoy it and it became part of her dillusion. She came into hospital went into a single room and would bring her portable tv and he would bring in the chinese and nice drinks and snacks for her. All very weird. She had 3 small children and i often thought she came in for a rest.
I was also common place for a husbands stories to actually be enough for a psych to section a woman especially if they ahd previously been ill. In one case it was an asian couple and i called in interpreters on anight shift and it turned out she was not mad but being seriously abused and then "put into hospital" if she complained.

Op you must talk to your team as this is not normal behaviour and is not helping you to get better. They will help you talk to him.
If you can in the meantime i would make a stand on at least one thing eg.stay on pc longer firmly telling him you are in the middle of something and not ready to get off.

Good luck

"he would bring in the chinese and nice drinks and snacks for her. All very weird.", huh... the bastard? I think you need to expand on this one.

But absolutely, he needs to be spoken to and probably needs a counsellor too to help him behave normally again.

Inpatient treatment for depression is not at all strange and unless the patient is a suicide risk I do not believe that it is normal to be sectioned against your will. I am guessing since the OP speaks english there were no interpretation issues.

livinginazoo yeah read that back and it did sound stupid.Total twat bringing nuice things in for sick wife
Its hard to explain tho. The ward was not particularly nice especially for a middle class woman to be, and she would present as silent and trancelike but then eat a chinese and laugh at Coronation street.He really did seem to enjoy the fact that he was in controll and as i was a student i heard the other nurses and Drs commenting on this being far from unusual-it may be harmless but they take the role of carer a bit too literally.

The asian lady who was sectioned was in the unfortunate position of speaking no English and her consultant was also asian so would listen to the husband when he told her his wife was "acting crazy"and yes section her against her will. I am guessing your will aint that strong when being abused tho.

Called in interpreter at night as the lady was so distressed and it turned out he was using a stick on her and sometimes the children and when she objected would call in the Drs/police. Because of the language barrier and probably her fear, she couldnt always explain herself.

Still think about her now 20 yrs later.Not been a nurse for 14 yrs now so hopefully things are much improved but i did leave due to what i thought was over sectioning especially of young people and just general poor service.

A lot of the posts here have left me feeling "triggered". It's taken 24 hours for me to work out the cause - it's the steady undertone of suggestions that, since CrazyPea has been ill enough to spend time in a psych ward, her perceptions cannot be fully trusted and her partner deserves sympathy. This is the train of thought that delayed my recovery and allowed others to carry on taking the piss, so that's why some posts have upset me.

CrazyPea, you are well enough to know your own feelings - and to know nobody has the right to rob you of your personal freedoms. I thought ledkr's advice to stand up for just one of your everyday rights was valuable - and, of course, to discuss this in detail with your care team. You could give them a link to your thread, if you find it hard to discuss.

Do take care of your self, you're very worth it.

Grace I wouldn't want to upset you for anything.

The OP doesn't state it completely unequivocally but nevertheless I think it comes across quite clearly that her DH's controlling behaviour started since her illness, and not before it:

"DH is being really weird lately and I can't put my finger on wether its because I have been ill (PND) or its just him."

and

"He never use to be like this."

If she had said that he had been controlling for years and THEN she had come down with PND I would have been right there with everyone else saying his behaviour could have been at the root of it. But she doesn't say that. She says it's recent. Hence my trying to point out that blaming the DH for her PND is not, IMO, the right thing to do.

I DO think his behaviour needs addressing/confronting. And FWIW I think your advice to her is spot on.

Thank you, BS. Let's hope CrazyPea does, too!

i agree totally with balloonslayer
do men suddenly, over night become "seriously abusive dangerous" men?

reading it I too thought of those men who are "fixers" rather than supporters and listeners.
he may feel that what he is doing is helping. he may be shopping online so the OP doesn't have to, planning meals so she doesn't have to think about it, checking mileage because he is worried she's tiring herself.

of course we can all see that this ISN'T helping her, but he may, just may be feeling very over-protective and wanting to just wrap her in cotton-wool.

I definitely think OP that you need to talk to your mental health team, and perhaps your DH could come with you and you could discuss these issues with all of you. he can voice any concerns he has, and you and your psych team can convince him it's ok to let you have some control back

I totally agree with everyone else. What reason did he give for wanting to see how far you've travelled? Why does he want to see receipts? My sister's MIL was very ill with depression when she was diagnosed with cancer. She went on a wild spending spree, and when I say wild I mean that she bought 7 apartments amongst other things. She was able to annul her credit agreements due to lack of sanity at the time of signing. Has anything like that happened to you that would make him want to check your receipts? I think I might be clutching at straws, from what you say I don't feel that you've had similar issues....

Please, please don't let him tell you you're crazy if you challenge any of this behaviour. I had severe PND with hallucinations. I'm surprised I wasn't sectioned, looking back, I think I should have been. It makes you doubt every single thought you have. Especially when there's someone around treating you like you're crazy and even saying it. My (D)H will still say it now, sometimes out of anger and sometimes as a "joke". I did psychology A level and one of the first things we learnt was that you become whatever you're told you are. Please don't let him feel like you're crazy. You're not and I think I should heed my own advice!

I think you should confront him. Good luck xxx

Oooh, BTW I toatlly second wthe last paragraph of Thisisyesterday's post... x

Sorry, sorry, me again. Just wanted to say that I'm not detracting from your illness. I just mean to say that you shouldn't let your H make you think you're STILL ill when you're not. Sorry, I've had a couple of glasses of wine so I'm not making much sense x

Best be quick as I'm coming up to my time limit on the pc soon and dh will be up to see what I'm doing.

He tells me I am fragile.

I know exactly what he wants me to cook for each meal and he's not very happy if I get it wrong.

he laughs at the meals I make

I am desperately trying to lose the babyweight and am doing ok but DH keeps buying bloody chocolate or takeaways and keeps offering it to me.

Yeah, very helpful

Please stop making excuses for this bully! Even if he honestly thinks putting his partner down, controlling her every move & every penny, restricting her forays out of the house, issuing minute instructions and laughing at her efforts is helpful ... then his idea of 'help' is extremely damaging.

I am a trained rmn,25 yrs now.Still in practice,but on maternity leave.Have had PND 4 times and am on AD's again now.... with diagnosed PND ....

I have also had experience of a controlling and abusive xp.

I agree with everything Grace has said.

As a user and provider of MH Services,I feel very uncomfortable with any implication that having a diagnosed mental illness ,"even" having had an inpatient admission,should have any baring on the way what the OP has described about her situation( as quoted above, by Grace 20.39.32)should be interpreted.

OP, speaking to your care team would be a good place to start.But you could,in addition,speak to Womens Aid.
Womens Aid will only accept self referrals in any case,although,with your consent,they will liaise with your cpn if appropriate/necessary.

I wonder if this controlling behaviour has really only begun recently.Is it possible that,having begun to recover from pregnancy,childbrith and PND,you may be beginning to consider some things differently ?