My partner bugged our home...how weird is this?

[spiritedaway]

Hello. This is my 1st time so apolgies in advance. I have recently split with my partner of 4 years. He had, during our relationship, hacked my ex's email, hacked my facebook then most recently, while employed on a government contract, abused his extremely well paid position to access text messages from old phones of mine going back 4 years. He also read replies and some of my family's texts, which had piqued his interest.

He then began a cycle of interrogation, accusations followed by episodes of being completely loved and up and wanting his feelings reciprocated. He become increasingly paranoid. He stopped working and "accompanied" me wherever I went. He also demanded to know what and with whom i discussed my personal life...ie. brothers, cousin and objected to this. He knew from reading my texts that i had discussed him being abusive towards me in the past. He had also discovered through reading old texts of mine that at the very beginning of our relationship I had, on several occasions been back with an ex...till I got my head out of my arse and moved on to commit with my new partner and then start a family. At the start of our relationship my new partner had made all the running, full on flowers, gifts turning up unanounced everywhere i went and he wanted instant commitment. In hindsight this is what had me running for cover at the start!

Ok, so i can see he could be hurt by this but as far as I was concerned time had moved on. We'd changed cities, settled down...had a child together, co parented my other 2 and were expecting again. Good income, nice house...future's bright. I honestly explained the circumstances of how confused i'd felt at the beginning. He, however, seemed unconcerned with my feelings, explanations or emotions and instead began obsessing about who knew, who had known...exactly what sexual intimacies had occured when and where and i mean specifics that i could not recall. He could of course having recently read the 4year old texts. When i couldn't recall a specific detail or made a chronological error whilst being questioned i would be branded a liar.

This questioning then extended to even furthur back into the past...20 years back. I'm 40. No answers were ever sufficient. I was a proven liar. He was trying to give me a break but really how could he...everything i said was a lie!He wanted me to come up with 1 big confession...something from my past that he didn't know. This would help repair his trust. This is what he said...he forced these discussions day and night. If i refused he'd say i had something to hide. If i walked away he'd come with me.

I have just read your OP and if your story is true then you're well rid of this man. My only concern which really causes me a is about him checking your texts on old phones from up to 4 years ago. I work for the police in the Telecoms Unit and no mobile network stores data such as the actual content of texts for this long. No where near in fact. Sorry to be suspicious and all that....

Hi...he's an IT specialist. He was working at GCHQ on anti terrorist data storage. He has high level civilian security clearance. He reckons he has"unfettered and un monitored access" his words. Seems the government do store it.

He also tells me there would be no audit trail cos it isn't operational yet....i don't think it'd be a data protection issue because, although he did abuse it for personal reasons, he had clearance. I think he could get done for telling me about it though. What do you think Wonderous?

Also, I might add, he isn't working on that contract anymore but if he does again my family would be putting me under pressure to speak to his employer as they were none too pleased he'd read their stuff.

It is highly unusual for people employed at any level in the security services to talk about their work at all. I find some of your ex's claims somewhat baffling.

I only know vaguely what my OH does and he works as a contractor for the MOD in a high level security position.

I'd suggest you contact your local women's aid and ask them if they are running a freedom programme that you could join.

I think it would help you a great deal to work on your self esteem and be part of a group discussing issues that have occurred.
I'd also look here for some ideas of what you should expect from a relationship.

Look, this man is FULL OF SHIT. He's a horrible, dangerous individual who has messed with your head for a long time. Really, give up RIGHT NOW on any attempt to be friends with him, or be kind to him. He is utterly worthless - the awful, totally unacceptable and illegal things he has done totally erase any brief little nice gestures.

You do need some help to get over this and understand it, to make sure that you don't ever make the same sort of mistakes again - unfortunately people who have had relationships with shitbags like this often go on to have relationships with different types of abuser unless and until they manage to get some healthy barriers in place.

He sounds like a fantasist - are you sure he was doing what he said he was? Or was he really a clerk?

And, on the offchance there's some truth in it, have you had your computer(s) checked for keylogger software? And then changed all your passwords? Even though you're apart he could still be tracking you via your computer.

chilling, but you won't be the only person on here it's happened to.

He sounds mentally ill.
And dangerous

He is controlling, dangerous and intent on keeping you under his control no matter what.
He may work in IT, but I very much doubt he has the kind of high level access he says he does. He knows you don't know much about it, so just spouts bollocks to intimidate you.

You could tell his boss, then he'd be sacked for transgressing the many non-disclosure forms and security checks, he'll have had to pass.

He definately had access to my old texts cos he quoted stuff back to me he couldn't have known...and he was aware he shouldn't have talked about the project. I think that's why he hasn't gone back to it.
I am hoping to have councelling....i've realised i can think about the childrens' needs and partner's needs but never my own..i do think this may become habitual for a lot of people who are full time parents especially of loads of kids. With endless demands it becomes a coping stratedgy not to have needs! Lucky i was so hedonistic throughout my 20's.
I also think i rationalise other peoples behaviour. Ie...his upbringing etc.

Ultimately i am staying out of this for the kids best interests.

RE...keylogger software, i'm using a totally new laptop. Haven't touched any of the computer stuff still here. Though it would be possible for him to gain remote access to this as i'm at same ip address..also email and facebook hacking is childs play to him, and to a lot of people.

Agree with all the others. Him refusing to see your daughter until court order lifted sounds good for your daughter as he sounds unhinged and dangerous.
I wouldn't want a child of mine seeing someone like this without supervision and would definitley want the courts involved.

It sounds like the only thing you did wrong was not leave sooner when he started the manipulative weird behaviour.

Do not communicate with this man except via solicitors.
Don't get too obsessed with whether or not he can access your stuff and just get on with your life. The new lap top sounds a good idea, macs are supposed to be harder to corrupt but are very expensive.

The counselling sounds good to look at why you stayed with him for so long, but don't spend too much time thinking about him, he's taken up enough of your life already.

Spirited: nasty people are often very good at convincing you they know stuff they 'couldn't possibly have known'. This how 'psychics' make so much money, and it;s a combination of coldreading (throwing a lot of guesses at someone very fast and following up on the ones that are clearly getting a reaction) and prior snooping, which could be stealing your phone or asking your friends to find out stuff about it.
He's not all-powerful Superspy, just a vile bullying knobend. But you really do need to have heavy injunctions in place against him, including a ban on him seeing DD unsupervised (preferably a ban on him seeing her at all due to his abusive behaviour and obvious MH issues) so that if he attempts to contact you, or you detect any spying equipment, he can be arrested immediately.

SGB, your summing up is very accurate. The OP needs to wise up and listen to the clear messages from the posts on this thread. If even a tenth of what he says is true, a solicitor would quickly drill down to the facts and nail this guy's lies before he does some actual harm.

His delusions may be quite compelling in some ways (how exciting to be with someone who has all this 'power'and is very 'high level') but his claims are utter tripe and if they were not dangerous, would almost be amusing.

Hi Spirited, I have seen your further posts and just thought I'd add the following... there is always the possibility that GCHQ may be working on a new system but (and it's a huge but) I have also had dealings with counter terrorism enquiries and can assure you that currently no police force or counter terrorism unit I know of is able to get text message data going back 4 years. The networks simply do not store information that long. He is having you on it would seem and is a very good liar (pathological liar by the looks of it).

If he does work at GCHQ the first thing I would be doing is contacting their professional standards team and tell them of his threats and supposed breaches of data protection. You will very quickly then find out a) if his threats have any merit and b) if he actually works there doing what he says he does. Nevertheless he will find himself in a very awkward position. His actions in my force would lead to immediate suspension, probable sacking and if proved he had accessed information unlawfully then arrest and prosecution. You can find their contact details here.

If I can be of any more help drop me a message.

spirited, I work in a certain govt department, and there is ALWAYS an audit trail. Even at my lowly level, monitoring goes on.

I would suggest contacting the police if he claims that he's been looking at texts of you and your family. This would at the least come under the heading of gross misconduct, and more probably a criminal offence. So, he's either lying (and the post by wonderous suggests that) or he's genuinely hacking into data he's not entitled to see. Either way he's wrong-doing and should be brought to book.

thanks... I think it probably would be gross misconduct. He said he used my numbers as test dats...which I imagine is misconduct. He reckons he went under the audit.

Thanks Wonerous

This reminds me of a Radio 4 programme which seemed to be trying to scare people off net dating. Subject was a woman who got involved with a guy who started as Mr Charming, later claimed to be CIA etc. etc. - all revealed in the end to be the warped fantasies of a dangerous man mired in debt. They were in Scotland and he had a wife and child in a house somewhere and when he went on his "missions" he was going back there. I'm afraid I can't remember enough details to give a link though.

Is it more likely that he's actually got hold of your old phones and/or read the mesages back then?

Or that he read your messages at the time and remembered or made a note of them. You say you were together for about 4 years and that he claimed to be reading messages that were, spookily, 4 years old. Snooping at around that time he would have seen stuff that was perhaps a little earlier than you getting together, but not much. The point of getting you to believe he is able to spy on you now is to make you paranoid and fearful, so you won't dare to lie to him (liars tend to have difficulty believing other people tell the truth) because you think he can check.

I really wouldn't want to inhabit the horrible world in his head.

Not possible that he got my old phones. I know where he worked. Long before systems become live or even legal they are built by techies.

I know he could get into deep shit for telling me about the project he worked on but i doubt they'd involve the police. Also he's not handling secure info at moment so i don't feel like landing him in trouble. And from some comments here it obviously sounds fanciful...i don't wanna be branded as some loony paranoid nutter by the authorities if my complaint failed to be investigated.

Anyone know if bugging your own home without informing other people who live there is legal? POlice know it was bugged but they didn't suggest it was illegal so i guess it isn't.

It's not legal. I bet you underplayed it when you spoke to the police. If you are on an ordinary broadband scheme, switch your router off. When it comes back on, it will have a different IP. If you're unsure, and don't know how to access your router's control panel, phone your broadband provider and request an IP reset.

He has not had access to your texts going 4 years back. He could, however, have been monitoring them IF he was doing this GCHQ job when you met. That would mean he decided to spy on you from your very first days together.

I live near the SAS training centre. There are thirty times more SAS agents in Hereford than the SAS has ever trained! Loads of nutcases pretend to be special agents of some sort, then go round looking for trusting women to feed their fantasy.

Either you have fallen for a load of dangerous bullshit, or you fell for a guy whose very first action was to spy on you. I'm still in favour of reporting ALL his surveillance claims to the police and to his bosses - his contracting agency, and GCHQ.