My partner bugged our home...how weird is this?

[spiritedaway]

Hello. This is my 1st time so apolgies in advance. I have recently split with my partner of 4 years. He had, during our relationship, hacked my ex's email, hacked my facebook then most recently, while employed on a government contract, abused his extremely well paid position to access text messages from old phones of mine going back 4 years. He also read replies and some of my family's texts, which had piqued his interest.

He then began a cycle of interrogation, accusations followed by episodes of being completely loved and up and wanting his feelings reciprocated. He become increasingly paranoid. He stopped working and "accompanied" me wherever I went. He also demanded to know what and with whom i discussed my personal life...ie. brothers, cousin and objected to this. He knew from reading my texts that i had discussed him being abusive towards me in the past. He had also discovered through reading old texts of mine that at the very beginning of our relationship I had, on several occasions been back with an ex...till I got my head out of my arse and moved on to commit with my new partner and then start a family. At the start of our relationship my new partner had made all the running, full on flowers, gifts turning up unanounced everywhere i went and he wanted instant commitment. In hindsight this is what had me running for cover at the start!

Ok, so i can see he could be hurt by this but as far as I was concerned time had moved on. We'd changed cities, settled down...had a child together, co parented my other 2 and were expecting again. Good income, nice house...future's bright. I honestly explained the circumstances of how confused i'd felt at the beginning. He, however, seemed unconcerned with my feelings, explanations or emotions and instead began obsessing about who knew, who had known...exactly what sexual intimacies had occured when and where and i mean specifics that i could not recall. He could of course having recently read the 4year old texts. When i couldn't recall a specific detail or made a chronological error whilst being questioned i would be branded a liar.

This questioning then extended to even furthur back into the past...20 years back. I'm 40. No answers were ever sufficient. I was a proven liar. He was trying to give me a break but really how could he...everything i said was a lie!He wanted me to come up with 1 big confession...something from my past that he didn't know. This would help repair his trust. This is what he said...he forced these discussions day and night. If i refused he'd say i had something to hide. If i walked away he'd come with me.

Cut him right off. DO not engage with him at all. IF he is mentally ill, it may not be his 'fault' as such, but it's not your problem, you really must put yourself and your DD first. It should be possible to get a court order in your favour prohibiting him access to DD as well given his violet, unpredictable behaviour.
YOu can't fix him. There is nothing you can do that will make it safe for this man to be allowed any contact with you. It isn't your fault but you need him right out of your life and your DD's.
As she grows up, you can tell her, gently and in age-appropriate ways, that some people have problems which make it impossible for them to be good parents, and that her daddy was very ill, too ill to see her, but you love her very much and none of it was to do with anything she did. That;s much safer and kinder for her than allowing her to spend time with a very dangerous man who isn't capable of loving her, because to him, she's not a person at all and nor are you.

This man is dangerous.

Please keep your daughter away from him.

On a side note, I would so blow the whistle on him to the government department he was contrated to, but I know you have a lot on and it may not help your own situation.

20 years ago is none of his business and neither is your life now.
The only one using/abusing your daughter and robbing her of a father is your ex and the courts are absolutely right to keep him away.

Op,does he smoke cannabis?

My keyboardhas gonemad.Especially spaceb ar.

Apologies for above. Good advise given to you. Stay around. In a relationship like this you can question your own judgement. Don't. Listen to the people here, for your dd's sake.

I'm very sorry for you. I'm shocked beyond belief that this guy was able to access text messages from old phones going back four years. What the hell does he do?

He's committing loads of crimes against you. I would definitely call the police - start by asking for the DV unit, then they'll know to be a bit gentle with you. I know what you mean about misplaced loyalty: this is known as "FOG" (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) ... and it's not loyalty, it's more like shame. Call the police, then you'll have a better idea of exactly which of you should be feeling ashamed!

Oh what a sad life you had to endure. Well done on getting the court process in place. No matter how hard it is, please don't have any contact with your ex, ever. For any reason. He will simply use it to manipulate you further.

This has nothing to do with being a bad mother. You are a wonderful mother just for taking the children away from such a dangerous man.

When are you due? Do you have good family support, or friends?

You're an amazing mother! To try so hard to keep this idiot around to be a dad, despite what it does to you takes some doing. However, in this case it's NOT the best thing, and I say that as a huge supporter for fathers rights. Definately let the relevant people know of his abuse of power when he was working for the government. Don't listen to a further word he says, insist on contact through solicitors only. If he really wants contact with his child, he'll take what the courts give him. If not, he'll throw his toys out of the pram and try to say you're not being reasonable. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

You're doing so well, and talking it out on a place like Mumsnet will help keep your strength up. Don't stop doing what you're doing.

There is nothing normal about his behaviour. He's a complete psycho.

Well done for splitting from him.

Stay well away - this man is dangerous and unpredictable.

"Ex says i am abusing our daughter by using the court "

i've had this line too from my exP

"and he refuses to see her until all orders are dropped.2 - his choice...

"I am, therefore, he says, robbing our child of a father. " how so? he is choosing to not see he under upervision. his choice

Is this just more control?

yes

Are courts wrong?

no

Or is this just whacko?

yes

Sociopath.

'Ex says I am abusing the system' I too have heard this line from my exh after he refused to my 12 year old home and I also had to get the courts involved. Your ex is a psycho and you should avoid ALL contact with him. If he doesnt want to see his kids because of the orders then that is his loss, not yours. Do not allow him to make you feel like you are a bad mother. He is the psycho from hell, not you. Well done for getting out. I was tape recorded too by my ex 10 years ago before we split and he decided to play the tape to my son to let him know 'what a bad mum I was.'

The courts are not wrong here, he might be able to fool others but he failed to fool a judge so dont let him manipulate you even further.

Whilst I have every sympathy for your situation, and have upmost sympathy for the children involved, the pirmary objective is to get this man away from harming you all with his stuff.

Once you are away you really need to look at yourself, I do think you need to take responsibility for the situation you put yourself and your children from the previous relationship into, you have admitted to cheating on him in the first place and where were your alarm bells that he had no contact with previous children, and he was working in the spy industry. You say you realised that he was not right, yet you also write that you liked the lifestyle, I do think you need counselling for yourself and the ongoing safety of your children.

What he has done is very very wrong, I do very much think you need to look at yourself before getting into other relationships, in the mean time rest and take good care of yourself as it sounds like you have taken yourself and your children through a horrific time which no one deserves to have been put through, please keep youself safe, you deserve to be trated better than you have and to have respect for yourself and others.

As for family court avoid it, if he is not seeing the child leave it, he will just use court as a way to abuse further, better he blame you from afar that he does not see child than you try and make him, it will make things worse for you all.

You are a normal person, which is why you keep giving the benefit of the doubt with regard to seeing his daughter. You see this as only reasonable.

He is NOT a normal person and does not inhabit the same reality as you. You cannot engage with him as he is almost literally on another planet.

Cut ties. He will only use his daughter to control you, and what's more, will start his antics on her.

with someone like this court may be the only way forward.

mediation wont work with someone like this.

op you need the backing of court/judges in this.

mummie hunie i think op probably does realise this - but she says that her P "full on flowers, gifts turning up unanounced " .

counselling can help to move forward tho...

besides - court already involved due to his behaviour -
"he snatched our 2 year old and fled around the country with her texting to say i wouldn't see her again. The police had concerns for his mental state and did a good job tracking them down and returning her 2 days later. I have stuff in place..non mol, prohibitive steps, residence order. I do not wish to prohibit contact..only to have some peace of mind."

if she drops out of all this then he will be free to do as he pleases with the child - he ahs already shown he does not consider the child.

if he wants to contest the reidence order he should do thru thru court.

presumably the residence order also sets out contact - how and when?

been there cest with the full on stuff, the family courts and having not seen the signs... would avoid the family courts with an abusive ex who is not wanting to see his child like the plague

if there are various court orders in place, so why go back to family court? if he takes her she has no choice, why choose to start that off if he is not having contact?

He is quite mad, I really wouldnt have anything more to do with him for your own wellbeing and do not in any circumstances allow him unsupervised access to your child. Only communicate through a 3rd party, so you dont have to listen to his abuse...move on and promise yourself that you will not let yourself put up with this ever again.

Thanks all....I did like the lifestyle, it's true. WE did lots of exciting sporty stuff with the kids and such. I thought we had a future together, so yeah. I enjoyed it but it changed as time went on. i also accept some responsibility as i cheated on him at the start of the relationship but i do feel if this was too much for him he could have chosen to move on,either together or apart, not stuck around using it as a stick to beat me with.

The family court have not stipulated terms of contact. Only that residence is with me and that ex partner must have written consent from me to have our child in his care and that he must also give me written documentation of when she will returned. I have so far not tried to prevent conact. He hasn't applied for it because i'm not preventing it. He won't even abide by this ruling...which is in the prohibitive steps.

He tells me stuff like i'm pretending to facilitate but really i'm using the courts against DD. Putting her needs second to my own, that court interference in families is damaging for children and that he will only be a father if there are no restrictions on him, including that he be allowed to come to our home, which at this point he isn't. I'm being extreme and using the courts to hide from reality apparently.

This from a man who has made extensive use of the family courts to gain access to his other children against the wishes of his ex wife...whom I was lead to believe was a bitter manipulative psycho. Until last year his son did visit us but ex ignores court orders so guess this is what made him resent court.

I have this fear of my child losing her Father because my adult relationship with him went bad. I'm not going to drop everything, of course, and just let him walk off with a smile on his face. I guess it's just really difficult for me to accept it really has all gone bad, and gone too far because, as applies to any relationship...there's shitty bits and good bits. I've told you guys all about the shitty bits but if i were to write at length about the good stuff of course you'd see a different side. I need to toughen up though i think is the general concensus cos i spend most of the time feeling like a fuck up for being a 40 year old pregnant single mum...Wasn't the plan!

"I've told you guys all about the shitty bits but if i were to write at length about the good stuff of course you'd see a different side."

Spirited many on MN have seen this so many times before. The good stuff wold be when you were behaving according to his wishes, I presume?

He sounds like the classic narcissist to me. Own version of reality, total need to control others.

Have you looked up Narcissist Personality Disorder?

I'm sure others will be along with some good websites etc soon, but just to let you know that someone very close to me put up with such a man for 13 yrs "because of teh good times" and because she could not believe that she was not somehow causing many of the problems herself. He also stalked her when she finished it. And made any number of threats.

Have you got the Lundy Bancroft "Why Does he Do That ?" book which has helped so many here? It's on Amazon - do have a look.

thanks...have looked at narcissistic PD and also BPD and also Total T**t PD and come to the conclusion he's probably suffering from the latter. But hey, I'm qualified to make a diagnosis. I'll look up the book, ta x

spirited, have you seen the npd thread? he sounds so very like my ex well the latter parts not the mi5 type stuff, have you tried speaking to his ex wife, it may help you both and the half siblings!!! Seriously why are you allowing him to do his warped transference and projections on to you, you don't have to do the contact why are you communicating with him, he is ill and seems to have no interest in anything other than abuse... I know there is a kind of addiction to them, if you go on npd thread you will find others in similar situations.

The bonuse being a single mum the second time is that you know you can do it as you did it before x