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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh lying again

53 replies

Namechangingwuss · 30/09/2010 22:57

I'm a regular but have namechanged for this. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled but my heads all over the place atm, I could really do with some advice.

Dh and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 3yo ds. Hes a fantastic father and loving husband, we have always been really close and totally happy together.

About 18 months ago a debt collector turned up on the doorstep saying dh owed money on a credit card, dh swore blind he didn't and it was a mistake. He said he'd called and sorted it out and I believed him. Money has always been tight so I've been working out a monthly budget for us for the last few years. A few times I suspected he was lying to me but hes always denied it and it just gets brushed under the carpet. About 3 months ago I found a solicitors letter over a gas bill he swore blind he'd paid, we had a massive row over it and he eventually admitted he hadn't paid it and lied because he didn't want to worry me. After that we had a really open discussion and I told him how hurt I felt that he'd lied and he was truly sorry. To me a marriage is all about honesty and communication and dh knows that. I told him that there could be no more lies because if I can't trust him I'd rather just leave. Things have been great between us since then.

Today a letter arrived for dh, he opened it in front of me and went to put it in the drawer but his body language was weird so I asked what it was. He said it was from work but I knew he was lying so I took it from him and it was from a debt collector. I haven't been able to look at him since, he keeps apologising but I'm livid. We've been tiptoeing round each other all night, I just don't know what to say to him and I don't want to hear another word of his lies! Is this a stupid reason to end a happy marriage? It seems like such a stupid thing but it shows total disrespect and I don't want to bring ds up in a home with parents who don't trust each other

OP posts:

muttimalzwei · 30/09/2010 23:12

Please don't end the marriage over this. He has big problems with spending money he doesn't have and possibly feels restricted by the budgets and his way of regaining control is to have secret spending away from you. This is dishonest but it happens a lot and I have seen it happen in my family and in my own relationship (I was guilty). I think the best way is to get the whole picture about the debts and sit down together and sort it out. Be calm and understanding and accept that he has really cocked up but that you are going to sort this out once and for all. He may have a lot of debt but be prepared for that. It can get sorted but it will be very hard.

FiaGrace · 30/09/2010 23:13

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I had an ex(dp) who did the very same as your dh, he got in to debt, Bailiffs were calling round, he was using money I was giving him for rent (we lived together but the property was in his name) to pay off people instead of paying the Landlord. It was a total nightmare and in the end I left.

I'm not saying you should necessarily do the same, I just know how important trust and honesty are to me, as well as money. I've never had any debt/money issues and I was livid that he lied but also livid that he put me in a very awkward position.

Has your dh said that he wants to talk about it and admit to the extent of the debt or seek some sort of help?

muttimalzwei · 30/09/2010 23:14

There is a problem with trust here but there might also be a problem with feeling very constrained by the way he has to live.

Original poster

Namechangingwuss · 30/09/2010 23:26

Theres no major debt problem, I'm sure of that. We just have a very low income. We sat down and had that chat just a few days ago which just makes this so much worse. I feel like I'm telling off a little boy tbh, hes sorry now but I know he'll do it again

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muttimalzwei · 30/09/2010 23:29

It will be a behaviour cycle he's trapped in. I had big problems with debt and paid it all off. My DH made me promise never to use credit cards again and when he found out I had he was devastated. I just don't like having to ask him what I can and can't spend, yes that is an issue. If it's any consolation I am spending less and less and always paying it off but the trust thing is still a problem. It's more a case of I don't have money to buy things if I ask him he'll say 'we don't need that' and I can't bear being told what to do!

GypsyMoth · 30/09/2010 23:54

ok...so you pretty much keep track of every penny....so,what has he done with the missing gas money etc??? where did it go?

gingerwig · 01/10/2010 00:51

this would bother me VERY much, more than an affair.I actually understand how someone can fall for another person, but I just don't get financial deceit like this. It's so bloody stupid.

I went through something similar . Twice...If it happens again, we split

Original poster

Namechangingwuss · 01/10/2010 08:00

I never get a straight answer about the money so I don't know what hes done with it. The thing is that once I confront him it gets paid straightaway so the money is obviously there in his account. We had this exact talk a few days ago to work out exactly how much we owed to whom and he promised he'd told me everything.

So those people who think I should forgive him - how exactly can I do that? He got in bed last night and started kissing my neck and I flinched! I can't bear him to touch me, somehow everything has changed and I don't understand how to go back

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colditz · 01/10/2010 08:03

I ended a relationship over this sort of crap and I've never been happier. i cannot bear being lied to.

colditz · 01/10/2010 08:03

And I wouldn't forgive him at all.

MmeLindt · 01/10/2010 08:06

It is not about the money.

It is about him betraying your trust.

I would find it difficult to forgive this. He has been looking in your face and lying to you.

Short of taking all credit and debit cards from him and giving him pocket money, I do not know what to suggest. And you are not his mother, you are his wife.

Thistledew · 01/10/2010 08:22

I think that it is so upsetting for you because he is placing greater importance on something than he place on your and your ds' financial security, and if it is bad enough, the roof over your heads.

The problem is that you don't know what this something is.

Your dh does need to be completely honest with you so that you can work out together why he has got into debt. His answer and attitude to preventing it happening again will help you decide whether you want to stay with him.

At the moment you have no idea whether he has spent th money on drugs and hookers or on a Starbucks addiction. No wonder you are uncertain what to think about the future of your relationship.

Your dh needs to understand that him prioritising other spending over the needs of you and ds is an emotional betrayal.

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 01/10/2010 08:38

What Colditz said...

Original poster

Namechangingwuss · 01/10/2010 08:48

MmeLindt thats exactly how I feel! Its like we keep going round in circles having the same argument over and over. This morning when he left for work he went to kiss me and I pushed him away, I just don't want him near me and I don't know how to get past this. I have no idea what to do now, if I had anywhere to go I'd take ds and leave. This is so not what I wanted for my little boy

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warthog · 01/10/2010 08:53

if you want to stay, you have to take control of all the finances. his salary gets paid into your account or a joint account where you can see exactly what's going on.

agree that all bills come out of it and anything that's left you split.

cut up his credit card.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/10/2010 08:58

I would get credit reports and see how much debt there really is here. He needs to be totally honest now with you now after all the dishonesty and go through the finances properly. Its going to be very tough for you.

He must not stick letters in drawers any longer; not facing the debt head on makes the problem far bigger. He cannot ignore this in the hopes it will go away; it does not go away at all.

I would also be talking to CCCS (Consumer Credit Counselling Service) about the debt issue and how it can be addressed properly. There is help out there for this problem (CAB may be useful as well but CCCS may be more beneficial at dealing with debt problems).

Original poster

Namechangingwuss · 01/10/2010 09:20

There is no major debt problem, just overdrafts and one credit card which he doesnt use anymore. Its the lies that bother me. The debt collector letter was about £38 that he said he paid last week. I guess he could have paid it and the letter was sent before the payment cleared but thats irrelevent, he opened the letter in front of me and lied to my face!

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Hassled · 01/10/2010 09:26

If you're going to salvage anything out of this then you need to take total control of all finances, and he has to let you. You pay the bills, he has nothing to do with any of it. He's lost the right to have any sense of ownership/control of this stuff.

But I quite understand why you're feeling how you're feeling - there's nothing worse than lies. It's that old thing of being able to deal with any crap the person you love dishes out, but if he/she lies about it then that's so much harder to get past. Give it time - don't do anything for now. See how you feel in a couple of weeks.

FedUpWithLies · 01/10/2010 09:54

I'm in a similar position to you. I found out a while ago that my H has been lying about debts again. I completely understand how you feel about not wanting him near you, I feel the same. It is the deceit that has done the most damage and it is going to take a long time for me to trust him or feel 'loving' towards him.

I got some very good advice on here about it and have done the credit checks through Experian and made him do his own. I suggest you do this just for your peace of mind. It is quite possible there are other credit cards/debts you are unaware of.

After that, I don't know. I am in the process of sorting out counselling. One of the lovely MNers on here said that you have to get to the root of WHY he is doing it, otherwise it will keep happening. After the initial anger, I went into organisational mode to try and sort the debt out. It was quite a few weeks before we sat down and spoke about why he felt the need to do it, I still haven't got to the bottom of it.

I think it will take a long time for him to rebuild your trust, and I think you should spell out to him that just because it is 'out in the open' doesn't mean everything can go back to normal.

Mindovermatter · 01/10/2010 10:05

Are bills being paid? Do you know for sure that thta debt has been paid? Seems to me you can't just take his word for it. Take control, don't just blank him, both of you need to communicate even if its difficult. Does all the mony go into his account? Do you have your own account? Or do you have a joint account? Sorry to say but the fact he lied about what letter was doesn't bode well. Why did he lie? Is it because debt has not been paid even though he says it was paid?!!

SolidGoldBrass · 01/10/2010 10:26

Yes, you need to find out why this keeps happening, because you will only be able to sort it out when you know the cause. If he's just totally incompetent with money then you will have to take control of all the finances, make it impossible for him to access money without you knowing about it etc. Though it would be understandable for you to feel that you don't want to live like that (and quite likely that this man will be constantly nagging and making himself unpleasant to try to get more money alloted to whatever it is he wants to spend it on).
It might be worth looking into what your position would be if you end the relationship ie whose name the house is in, what benefits you would get, etc - not saying you have to throw him out but it's as well to have the information.

warthog · 01/10/2010 11:46

i think he's behaving like a naughty child. doesn't know how to deal with something and ends up lying about it.

i don't know what to suggest - you do need to trust him.

is this make or break for you?

Original poster

Namechangingwuss · 04/10/2010 15:18

Thanks everyone for the advice, sadly its not a happy ending. We had a long chat, went through all the finances and he promised no more lies. Things were starting to improve.

This morning I had bailiffs on the doorstep - he hasn't been paying the council tax!

His things are in a suitcase by the front door, I have no idea what happens next or how much debt we are in but I don't want him anywhere near me. I feel sick

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chippy47 · 04/10/2010 15:34

He was given enough chances. Nobody has mentioned gambling. From experience he is ticking a lot of the boxes. In a relationship gambling is not about the money -without gambling the money sorts itself out -as has been said it is the lies and the lack of trust. Some gamblers only face up to the problem when they think they have reached rock bottom -he has had enough let offs not to think that. Throwing him out may be what is required. It can work itself out but that requires changes in personality and behaviour from within by him. And you may not be prepared to give him the chance to do this.
Ignore if he is not gambling(you said he paid off a debt when asked -he may have had a win) so he could do the same with the council tax? Not that that would be enough at this stage.

Original poster

Namechangingwuss · 04/10/2010 15:49

I really don't think its gambling, he goes to work then comes home and is with me the rest of the time. I've checked all previous internet searches and theres nothing suspicious on there. I've spoken to the housing team at the council and they can't help as theres been no domestic violence but if I can make him leave I can claim housing benefit to cover the rent. I'm going to citizen's advice tomorrow to speak to someone about the debts, I have no idea what else he hasn't paid. The marriage is most definitely over now, however bad life as a single mother will be its much better than life with a compulsive liar. I really could kill him right now

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