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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh lying again

53 replies

Namechangingwuss · 30/09/2010 22:57

I'm a regular but have namechanged for this. Sorry if this is a bit jumbled but my heads all over the place atm, I could really do with some advice.

Dh and I have been married for 6 years and we have a 3yo ds. Hes a fantastic father and loving husband, we have always been really close and totally happy together.

About 18 months ago a debt collector turned up on the doorstep saying dh owed money on a credit card, dh swore blind he didn't and it was a mistake. He said he'd called and sorted it out and I believed him. Money has always been tight so I've been working out a monthly budget for us for the last few years. A few times I suspected he was lying to me but hes always denied it and it just gets brushed under the carpet. About 3 months ago I found a solicitors letter over a gas bill he swore blind he'd paid, we had a massive row over it and he eventually admitted he hadn't paid it and lied because he didn't want to worry me. After that we had a really open discussion and I told him how hurt I felt that he'd lied and he was truly sorry. To me a marriage is all about honesty and communication and dh knows that. I told him that there could be no more lies because if I can't trust him I'd rather just leave. Things have been great between us since then.

Today a letter arrived for dh, he opened it in front of me and went to put it in the drawer but his body language was weird so I asked what it was. He said it was from work but I knew he was lying so I took it from him and it was from a debt collector. I haven't been able to look at him since, he keeps apologising but I'm livid. We've been tiptoeing round each other all night, I just don't know what to say to him and I don't want to hear another word of his lies! Is this a stupid reason to end a happy marriage? It seems like such a stupid thing but it shows total disrespect and I don't want to bring ds up in a home with parents who don't trust each other

OP posts:
TotalChaos · 04/10/2010 15:51

just seen this thread now, you poor thing namechanger, so sorry he's left you in the shit like this.

gettingeasier · 04/10/2010 16:10

namechanger just read your thread what a nightmare, do you have any idea where the money has been spent then ?

Sorry you are going through this Sad

perfumedlife · 04/10/2010 16:10

FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing.

If he knew he was so bad dealing with money, then he should have told you at the start of the marriage, at least it would have given you a chance to deal with finances.

I know a woman who's dp stole five grand out of her account when she was in hospital post delivery, all on gambling. That was the tip of the iceberg. She is still with him, but pretty much friendless, as no one can believe she thinks he is worth it. He steals credit cards from people's houses he does odd jobs in.

I think, unless your dh gets serious help and gets some counselling, the damage is done.

Original poster
Namechangingwuss · 04/10/2010 16:16

I have no idea what the moneys been spent on but its the lies that hurt most. There must have been a lot of letters sent out before they decided to send the bailiffs round and yet just last week he looked me in the face and promised he was up to date on all the bills.

I feel like such an idiot, I totally trusted him

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 04/10/2010 16:34

You know what's the most disrespectful of all this is, he knows eventually the shit must hit the fan, and yet, rather than deal with it when you had the talk, he calmly waits until the bailiffs turn up. He isn't even using any smart thinking, he doesn't seem to care,.

That's what makes me think he is gambling, they don't forward plan, they kid themselves the next bet will be the one that sorts out all the debt. Thing is, even if they have a big win, they chuck it all back on another bet. Can't stop themselves.

Unless he is honest and faces upto whatever his problem is, there is no basis for a marriage. So sorry for you.

Original poster
Namechangingwuss · 04/10/2010 17:14

Hes gone

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/10/2010 17:17

hope you are ok, OP

has he gone for good ?

Original poster
Namechangingwuss · 04/10/2010 17:23

Hes staying with a friend tonight, I told him he can come and see ds tomorrow after work so I guess we'll talk then. I can't see a resolution for us though and tbh I don't think I want to

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 04/10/2010 17:28

XP and my father are exactly like this and unless you can control everything then it's a horrible way to live.

Are you OK OP?

AnyFucker · 04/10/2010 17:31

keeping control of everything by yourself is exhausting

it will kill your spirit in the end

if your partner cannot be trusted to have the best interests of his family at the forefront of his life, without someone else tugging the strings, then he has to go

Original poster
Namechangingwuss · 04/10/2010 17:32

I'm ok, thanks for asking. Spent the whole day crying now its time to pull myself together! Poor ds doesn't have a clue whats going on, I need to be strong for him

OP posts:
Jux · 04/10/2010 17:50

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You poor thing.

Tippychoocks · 04/10/2010 17:55

Get any claims you need to make sorted tomorrow. Even if you change your mind you can cancel them but the sooner you do, the sooner things will get sorted. You'll need to get paperwork straight to claim things like HB so make sure you have access to it (bank statements, birth certs, tenancy/mortgate papers, tax credits forms etc.).
Do you have some RL practical help at all?

FedUpWithLies · 04/10/2010 22:40

Just saw your update, I'm so sorry you have been let down again. I hope you're OK.

pressyourthumbs · 05/10/2010 00:13

I know 2 women where something very similar happened. I would really wonder if it is gambling to be honest.
Good luck, it must be an awful shock.

nomedoit · 05/10/2010 02:22

I am going to break from the pack here and say that you should pause before you end your marriage over this. In your anger you may feel divorce is the right thing to do but divorce is not the easy option. I speak from experience.

He's lied. But sometimes people, usually men, lie because they think it is the best thing. They think, wrongly, that it avoids a row and gives them time to sort things out.

He isn't necessarily lying because he lacks respect for you. The lying probably has nothing to do with you at all. It's about him: his inability to manage money, his fear of what will happen if you find out, his denial.

I think you should go to counselling. You have said he is a great Dad. Before you end your marriage, at least get some answers about what this is all about. Allow him a safe place to be honest. He may want deep down to come clean but be too afraid. I am not saying this is your fault OP but I do know that the more angry you get, the less likely you are to find out the truth.

MmeLindt · 05/10/2010 06:48

So sorry to read your update. I think you are doing the right thing. How can you live in the constant fear of being made homeless, not knowing if you are going to still have electricity or the phone line cut off the next day.

I also have to say, I would also have a massive problem with his general dishonesty. Not just his lying to you, but I wouldn't like to live with someone who thought it was ok to use services, buy things and not pay for them. That is theft. And it is not a good example for your DS.

BohoHobo · 05/10/2010 11:39

I can see why you have got to this stage but there its a way forward surely? if you manage the budgets, take control of any thing that us required to be paid to keep your home secure... my dh was terrible with money do when I found out we paid it all off and since then I make sure everything is paid. he has free access to what's left, as do I, but we have a much healthier bank balance and relationship since!

BohoHobo · 05/10/2010 11:40

excuse ridiculous typos!

perfumedlife · 05/10/2010 16:45

How are you feeling today namechange?

minipie · 05/10/2010 17:05

So sorry to hear this. I think I could forgive this if it was DH but only if he came completely clean to me and told me about all the debts and asked for my help.

If he still has his head in the sand and is trying to hide it from you then it's hard to see a way forward. (Though I don't think the lying is necessarily disrespect, it's probably terror at you finding out all the shit he's caused).

You might find it helpful to look on the moneysavingexpert forum, if you're not already aware of it. Lots of posts about people discovering their partners have run up debts - some relationships make it through, some don't, but there may be some guidance for you there?

overmydeadbody · 05/10/2010 17:09

I'm with colditz.

I wonder if he's spending the money on weed, or other drugs. That's what my ex did.

Original poster
Namechangingwuss · 05/10/2010 19:44

Thanks everyone, today has been a bit surreal! He took the day off work and came over to spend time with ds and pick up more of his stuff so its been almost like nothings really changed. He hasn't said anything about the money and I've stayed out of his way, I'm worried if I ask him he'll lie again and then I would not be responsible for my actions! I've made an appointment at the jobcentre to claim benefits and I've called the bailiffs to explain the situation and they've given me some time to organise some money.

Its not ideal but it could be worse. I never imagined I would be a single mother living on benefits and I really wanted better than this for my ds but I'm not going to be in this situation forever.

Atm I can't imagine taking dh back, I don't know how I could forgive the lies but I'm sure we'll have a discussion about "us" one day soon.

Thanks again for all the support and advice, it really helps to know that people care xx

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/10/2010 19:55

good luck x

Jux · 06/10/2010 11:45

good luck.