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Original poster

Having A "Relationship" With A Married Man

65 replies

Tylou222 · 29/09/2010 21:57

A close friend of mine (Single Mum) is having a 'relationship' with a Married Man. Anyone else out there in the same situation?

OP posts:
Coca · 29/09/2010 21:58

Years ago. I don't see her any more.

BooBooGlass · 29/09/2010 21:59

Is Single Mum her official job title?

Original poster
Tylou222 · 29/09/2010 22:04

Just thought the Single Mum description was relevant... I suppose that it might suggest a certain vulnerability that could be a factor in the situation?

OP posts:
ninah · 29/09/2010 22:10

I am a single mum, loving your assumption we'd all be grateful for a married shag. Rofl

Original poster
Tylou222 · 29/09/2010 22:14

Does it sound like I'm suggesting that all single Mums are desperate for a married shag?

OP posts:
littlemiss29 · 29/09/2010 22:31

It's going to end in tears! Speaking from experience Blush

fuschiagroan · 29/09/2010 22:33

It doesn't always! Usually does with the British though, they seem to need the catharsis of getting busted.

caramelwaffle · 29/09/2010 22:38

Op - To answer your question. Yes. There are. Lots.

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/09/2010 22:38

Oh dear... Speaking as a single mother I would say that it's probably not a relevant point. We're not all vulnerable needy little creatures Smile

I suppose it depends on how much you value your friendship and/or how strongly you feel about people having affairs. If it were me, I would worry about her being hurt (as I think this is probably inevitable) but would leave it there.

Original poster
Tylou222 · 29/09/2010 22:55

Meant 'vulnerable' in the sense that the outcome may affect others really, rather than that she is needy...
I'm guessing that the general concensus is that it will indeed 'end in tears'.

OP posts:
ShirleyKnot · 29/09/2010 22:56

Nah, It'll probably be fine.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/09/2010 23:00

And this is your business how, exactly?
FWIW it could end in a variety of ways -
the man could decide that your mate is The ONe for him, leave his wife and live happily ever after with your mate.
OR he could run back to his wife and blame everything on your mate as she is an Evil Temptress.
Or the affair could fizzle out and the wife never need to know.
If you have big moral objections to adultery, you could ask your mate not to discuss the affair with you, but that also means you don't discuss it with her ie keep your nose out.

BelleDameSansMerci · 29/09/2010 23:02

I think it will inevitably end in someone's tears... Hers if he doesn't leave his wife; his wife's unless she wants shot of him; his if he's a good actor. I'm a little cynical having seen a lot of this. If he doesn't leave quickly ie within weeks, he is (IMO) unlikely to leave at all. Of course, she may not want a full time relationship and this may suit her nicely?

Hard not to judge but, again, depends on your friendship, etc.

celticfairy101 · 30/09/2010 10:13

Now here's the thing. Relationships that develop from affairs, second marriages have a high failure rate. Now I'm not judging, in fact I agree with SGB, however you wouldn't buy a house, say, if there was a 70% chance that the price would fall post purchase, thereby leaving you in negative equity. So why oh why do people continue to do this?

When it comes to love, affairs and matrimony the best advice you can give your friend is that she use her head rather than her heart. And then leave it at that.

DuelingFanjo · 30/09/2010 10:16

What are you asking exactly?

How to counsel or support her? if you should give her an opinion? What are our opinins - why does it matter?

fedupofnamechanging · 30/09/2010 10:37

I think it is relevant to mention that she is a single mum. The OP is letting us know that her friend isn't actually cheating on anyone, as she isn't married/with a partner. The man she is seeing is the only one with a spouse.

I would not feel happy discussing this with my friend and I would feel diferently about a woman who could sleep with someone elses husband. It doesn't reflect well on her.
I would tell her that I didn't condone it or want to discuss it. Taking that view will affect your friendship though.

If I was to give an opinion it would be that a man who can cheat on his wife is more than capable of cheating on his mistress. Not a good bet really!

Original poster
Tylou222 · 30/09/2010 21:49

My original question was 'is there anyone out there in the same situation?'
Just hoping that there might be someone who maybe had a bit of advice. Yet, it seems that people would much rather make judgments and assumptions... Just to get a few points straight: when they met, He led her to believe that he was at the end of his relationship (and this may have been true at the tiime). I doubt very much that she would have even got involved if it was clear he was 'happily married'. She has never done anything like this before.

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 30/09/2010 21:56

how long has she been seeing him, and is he no longer at the end of his relationship?

tbh, I would say get out, get out now and don't look back. whichever way it goes it won't be pretty.

BooBooGlass · 30/09/2010 21:58

I was joking (well, kind of) about her job title. It's the way you capitalised it that tickled me. Are you talking about a friend or yourself? If a friend, then tbh butt out. If it's you, then what do you really want to know?

Antalya1 · 30/09/2010 22:03

I get what you are trying to say, I think?

Basically if you alone and someone comes along that can offer some comfort and a bit of attention etc. then people (men or women) are more likely to get involved than if they were in a happy settled relationship and you are worried about the outcome of this and if you are a good friend, worried about your friend and the prospects with this.

Leaving aside the moral rights/wrongs, basically if this was my friend I would be counselling her to leave this well alone, if she chooses to ignore the advice then just be there as her friend when/if this ends in terrible hurt..which ever way this pans out...someone is going to get very very hurt.

Original poster
Tylou222 · 30/09/2010 22:12

BBG - Let's just say that 'Single Mum' is someone very close!
Not sure what I really wanted to know - just thought it would be helpful to get some insight.

CS - Just over a year. 'Married Man' and his wife now seems to be bumbling along okay... another friend has a theory that the 'affair/relationship' has probably helped in that it's made him happier and therefore, his marriage is more bearable. I can kind of see that might make some sense.

OP posts:
ChasingSquirrels · 30/09/2010 22:20

it completely depends on the situation doesn't it.

The whole thing is SO clichied (sp!), but it doesn't feel like that.

The theory that the affair keeps the marriage "going" could very well be the case - or he could be stringing the OW along.

What insight do you want? Into him, into her?

BooBooGlass · 30/09/2010 22:22

So it's you.
I think tbh you need to have a bot more self respect. He won't leave his wife for you, and if she finds out she will be devastated. Noone wins here.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/09/2010 22:23

Well if he led her to believe that he was at the end of his marriage, but is still there a year later and is feeling happier, then he was lying wasn't he?

I suspect this is you we're talking about, but if it really is your friend, then have a chat to her about how she can square colluding in the deceit of another woman and the hurt that this is bringing to that woman and her DCs.

Very often in these situations though, as is often pointed out, the OW has already dehumanised the wife and can't empathise with her hurt, so appeal to her selfishness and project the hurt she herself will suffer, when this man continues to play one woman off against the other.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 30/09/2010 22:24

Oh and the OW casting herself as some "aide to the marriage" is an absolute delusion, incidentally.

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