Having A "Relationship" With A Married Man

[Tylou222]

A close friend of mine (Single Mum) is having a 'relationship' with a Married Man. Anyone else out there in the same situation?

Quite SGB - though if she is posting I'm guessing it is already affecting her relationship with the 'friend' (if there is one and it's not OP in disguise).

Imho she needs her eyes open to her true situation - stop kidding herself about being in the middle of a Catherine Cookson and realise she is being strung along by someone who is either weak willed and indecisive or manipulative and egotistical. Or a combination of the above. He's certainly selfish. What a catch!

If a married man was unhappy and honestly thought that he would be happier with someone else, he would leave his wife. If he just wants to try it out to see, keeping options open, he is a bastard.

seeker
Married Men Never Leave.

But they do this forum is full of them and I can name 3 in my road alone- and it's a small road! All upped and left for OW, new family and in some cases new babies.

I think that sometimes people like different people in different ways...life is so very, very short and it should not be wrong to do what makes you happy as long as it doesn't make someone else unhappy.

But in most cases affairs do because one partner feels the other loves them less for loving someone else as well (and I do think people can sometimes love more than one person)

when in fact the opposite may be the case, ie having a different part of your personality fulfilled by another person could make you happier in yourself and far nicer to be around.

If I stopped (hypothetical) DP from going to see his old friend now and again, he would resent me, feel trapped, bla bla bla when all it is is a desire he has, to be with this person occasionally.
I cannot think of that as wrong. It is part of who he is - whom he loves, whom he wants to sleep with/spend time with. If he comes home to me I am getitng what I want.

Flight- I agreee with you on that 100%. No one can fulfil all our needs. Me and DH were talking about this only last night. i think life-long monogamy is a weird thing that we are not cut out for but it takes both partners to feel the same at the same time.
My DH thinks that most men do not want to share their wives with another man.

The problem though is if you start seeing someone else as an agreement, then actually prefer them to your "permanent" partner.

if you don't believe in life long monogamy why get married?

Can't agree with that. My DH does not resent me or feel trapped because I don't "allow" him to sleep with other women. I don't resent DH for expecting the same from me.

I think if that were the case we'd be considering divorce.

Have only read the OP, not quite sure of what the question is, but if a friend of mine was having a relationship with a married man, she would no longer be a friend of mine. End of story. I've had to suffer the consequences of adultery and I would therefore not tolerate one of my friends doing it.

I don't find lifelong monogamy weird and I am cut out for it.
We are all different.
It will end in tears-your friends in this case. If he was going to leave he would have left.

IME married men have affairs because of opportunity, not because they are desperately unhappy at home.

As someone who has had to tell her children that mummy and daddy will be spending time apart and seeing my son's heart being broken infront of me, as a result of H's infidelity, I'd be telling her to have a heart and steer clear.

An affair is a deal breaker, she might justify it by saying she isn't the one that is married, but the damage will be done.

"If I stopped (hypothetical) DP from going to see his old friend now and again, he would resent me, feel trapped, bla bla bla when all it is is a desire he has, to be with this person occasionally.
I cannot think of that as wrong. It is part of who he is - whom he loves, whom he wants to sleep with/spend time with. If he comes home to me I am getitng what I want."

Hmmmm. Has he also told you that it's physically damaging for men not to have sex on a regular basis, and that men are just not cut out for child care in the that way women are?

Oh, and does he think that women are "just better" than men at washing up?

No, Seeker.

'Hmmmm. Has he also told you that it's physically damaging for men not to have sex on a regular basis, and that men are just not cut out for child care in the that way women are?

Oh, and does he think that women are "just better" than men at washing up?'

This is someone I'm not 'with' but we are talking about it with a view to starting a relationship.

He is the antithesis of the stereotype you describe.

He washes up for a living...is a far better cook than me...was happy at my suggestion I get a job and he stays at home with my toddler. He doesn't give two hoots about having sex on a regular basis - in fact he said he wouldn't mind if I rarely wanted to.

I'm not being stupid when I say I wouldn't mind him having sex with his old friend once in a while. I really wouldn't. I've known him for more than 20 years, neither of us has ever married, I just like him the way he is.

I'm starting to feel less and less that marriage is something I'd ever want. Marriage also has an appalling success rate, which doesn't help me believe it is the best thing for most people.

I just don't think it's something that would suit me and [dp] unless it was the sort of marriage where we could both go off and see someone else we were very close to at times.

True - he could end up liking this person more, whatever - it doesn't change the status of our dynamic, really.

...and the bit about him feeling trapped and resenting me (on some level) was all mine - my conjecture from knowing this person quite well, how they are happiest, what they seem to need.

He didn't say any of that. But I'd want both of us to feel fulfilled as far as possible.

Well... one of my very good friends has what they call an open marriage - both free to see other people, brings its own problems at times as you can imagine; but as long as they both stick to the rules they've worked out between them they're as happy as any other long-term couple, ie more ups than downs and they wouldn't be without each other at the end of the day.

Another good friend was an MM's bit on the side and that wasn't nearly such a happy story. I've told it before, but briefly it started with "we have an arrangement, I neither know nor care if he's got someone else so I don't ask" to "I'm actually good for his marriage" to falling for him, his wife chucking him out, him turning up on friend's doorstep - and then buggering off to "find himself" and lo, finding another woman in the process. Friend was the only person who was surprised by this.

I think the point is that the first couple are honest with each other and have worked out between them what is acceptable. There's a healthy helping of sauce for both goose and gander. With the second, there was deceit and self-deceit all the way down the line. When you have to lie to someone to get what you want, you ought to know you're doing something wrong.

Annie, that's an excellent post.