Can I, or should I try to, rescue my marriage

[stillinflux]

Had to name change as H discovered many previous threads and was not impressed - unsurprisingly.

Been married more than 18 years, together 22 and finding it difficult to remember when we were happy for longer than a month or so in one go. H now admits/recognises long periods of depression, and that he was withdrawn, etc and it was not my imagination that I was basically alone with the three kids.

Considered calling it a day around this time last year, and then met someone else who awakened all sorts of long dormant emotions and sensations. Very definitely an emotional affair, and no I'm not proud, but find it hard to accept that it was fundamentally wrong of me.

When I recognised the 'friendship' for what it was, I pulled back, but was difficult because we work together. H and I had around 10 Relate sessions around this time, but I was less than honest about the near miss.

Things seemed to be improving, we argue less and life is calmer, I have been honest about the EA, but I still cannot rejuvenate any sense of sexual attraction for H. This is really hurting him, I like him, enjoy his company, for the most part, but find it really difficult when it comes to sex or even saying I love him.

He's now talking about separation, because he cannot take the 'physical hurt' this causes him day after day.

I don't want to separate, but I'm not sure why, apart from the damage to the kids. Do I just not want the disruption, or am I instinctively clinging to something that I know at some level can get better?

Should I just let H go for sake, if not mine. Or is it possible to turn it round?

I think you should go back to Relate and this time hold absolutley nothing back, and what do you have to lose, your dh wants to separate anyhow?

Counselling didnt work before because you were holding back.

If nothing else, total honesty from here on in at counselling will help you have a civilised and less acrimonious separation if it cannot help your marriage back on track.

Thanks Nikita.

We have considered Relate again, but I'm afraid that it's just dragging out the inevitable. If I cannot fancy H, is there any point in making him sit and listen to how much I fancied someone else, almost against my will. Isn't that just cruel?

I second that you need to go back to Relate. It didn't work because you were not honest. It is very very hard.

The lack of physical attraction will be related to all your other feelings and until you have completely sorted those then things wont get better.

From your DH PoV he has done relate with you and is now probably very confused why things are not better.

But, Clarice, can/will things get better? I wonder if it wouldn't be better to just to call it a day, now rather than drag it out and still reach the same conclusion and have kept H hanging about waiting for me to sort myself out.

HI Stillinflux

Are you me?

I have been in pretty much the same place as you. Never thought I was the sort to cheat on DH after 20 plus years but fell in love three years ago and had an EMA. Ended it and worked hard at Relate and told DH all about MA to try to put things right. Looked at all the reasons things went wrong over the years and took responsibility for my behaviour. I had been unkind and showed my lack of respect for DH in so many ways.
Went to another joint therapist and it got clearer and clearer to both of us that the problem was that I no longer loved or want to be with DH.
Trying to force intimacy was making me miserable, my withholding affection was making DH miserable, and eventually things came to a head.
I have moved out into a small house near the family (as DH refused to leave) and the relief is indescribable.
I dont know whether you have a gut feeling about this. Mine was that I didnt want to be with DH and there was no way to fix things. Others have said they knew they loved their DH at the bottom of everything and would stay together.
Eventually I knew I had done all I could to try to repair our relationship but my guilt over leaving him was not enough reason to stay.
Keep trying till you know the answer. It will come to you! And good luck x Everybody deserves to be happy

I don't know if things will get better but it seems from the fact that you pulled back from the EA and you say you don't want to spearate you do want to stay with your DH but you want it to be better. But is seems in order for it to get better you need to start being honest with everyone including yourself.

You could start by going to see Relate on your own.

Think about why you did not come clean - because you did not want to hurt DH. But would your DH be more upset and saddened to learn that you couldn't confide with him even when you stopped yourself from doing something you might really have regretted. He may not realise quite how badly you are hurting.

Please call Relate and if it does all end then at least you will know it is not for want of trying. Marriage is hard and it needs looking after.

Whenallelsefails, thank you.

I am scared that it will turn out that I no longer love him, I suspect that is my gut feeling, but I'm not sure. The 'forcing intimacy' is horrible, and doesn't go unnoticed, but I'm hoping that if I keep trying something will eventually click.

Clarice, H does know now about the EA - not least because he came across threads on here - and has been very understanding about how I was feeling at the time, but is obviously not so pleased that I still have to work with him. He has also taken to trawling my phone and emails for anything incriminating, even though there's nothing now.

There's fancying and fancying.

There's 'I am not full of lust for him but I can see he is still attractive even if I don't always feel attracted to him. And even though sometimes I have to pretend sex is more wow than it is, I can enjoy the intimacy'

Or there's 'My skin crawls when he touches me'

I think what WhenAllelsefails says is spot on. You need to listen to your gut instinct, it is there. Maybe you are blocking your ears and going 'la la la la' because you don't want to hear it.

Proudnglad, it began as the former, but lately has been slipping to the latter. :(

This is probably not what you want to hear but I am in almost exactly the same position as you and have had a fairly similar experience to whenallelsefails.

My DH and I are in the process of separating basically because I no longer have any physical feelings for him. I've tried really hard to make myself fancy him, but for me, it has become worse not better. I do still love and respect him, but I absolutely know that we should not try to make things work as the tension is/was constantly unbearable and as whenallelsefails says, forcing intimacy was making me miserable, in fact, I felt like a prostitute (well, how I imagine it to be anyway).

He has now confessed to an affair, and I feel mostly relieved (from a selfish POV) but obviously we have to deal with the situation carefully regarding our DCs. I also don't blame my DH for seeking comfort elsewhere, I'm geniunely glad he's potentially going to be much happier.

I'm not saying your situation can't be turned around, I would have loved to have the perfect relationship with my DH, but for us it 'reached the end of the road' after many years of trying to make it work. I'm sure some people get through this, but it's not something that tends to be openly discussed so I can't cite any examples; this is actually the first time I've ever openly talked about it and we've had the problem ongoing for longer than I care to admit to.

Good luck and I'm truly sorry you are going through this. I also hope that someone will come along soon with some more positive experiences and outcomes.

I thin kwhen you have to spend a long time living with an undiagnosed, untreated depressive it is not remotely unreasonable that you go off the person. You didn't sign on to be a longterm unpaid therapist whose own needs and wishes are indefinitely on the back burner.
As others have said, listen to your gut instinct. If you can't envisage ever having romantic/sexual feelings about your H again then it is probably best to make the separation as amicable and fair as possible.
Remember that there are worse things in life than ending a relationship. There's staying in an unsatisfactory one, for one thing.
Best of luck.

stillinflux apologies (and I won't out you) but are you who I think you might be? And you'll know if you are

I think you're in a very, very difficult position. I wonder if a trial separation might really be the best thing for both of you? Perhaps it would let you see/feel how it might be to be without your DH? Home probably won't be much fun for either of you right now though so, I guess, there's a danger that any change will feel better than the long term reality might.

Sorry not much help.

Belle, yes I am who you think I am! Thanks for not outing me, if only because, everyone else will think 'Has she not sorted this out yet, she's been prattling on here for ages'!

Things have sped on just this afternoon. H came home unexpectedly to talk and having opened the subject on here it was much easier to broach the whole lack of a spark with him.

He is obviously very hurt, but agreed to try Relate once more. Rang them then and we have an appointment tonight with the counsellor we were seeing earlier in the year.

Thank you SGB, it's so easy to think of myself of being a heartless bitch who is thinking of leaving someone because they were ill. I sort of can imagine a new romantic relationship if a screw my eyes and squint, but it's not easy.

By 'new romantic relationship' I wasn't thinking of smooching to Duran Duran in frilly shirts and eyeliner :o

sorry not sure about your previous posts, so answering just from what i see on this one, IMO if you dont fancy him anymore and you dont truely deepley love him and he doesnt make you feel happy or contented most of the time, then i think you know what you need to do,

i know it is so hard to make that descsion, i am in the process of doing the same after agonising over it for over a year and making myself bloody miserable in the meantime, but the bottom line is if you dont love them, dont want to have a physical relationship with them, and are staying together because the other alternative is too daunting and frightening to consider then it will only make you both very bitter in the end and it wont be great for the kids either, i am shitting myself about havin to tell my husband its over although he knows our marriage isnt good, but to actually be the one to start the whole divorce procedure is a frightening thing indeed but i know it needs to be done, otherwise we will come to hate each others guts, and i cant bear for the kids to witness anymore of the sniping, and indifference and general lack of care and concern for each other that we have,

all marriages have their bad patches, it can last for several weeks, even months at a time, but over all the marriage needs to be a happy one to survive,IMO anyway, time after time posters on here say dont stay together, just for the kids sake they wont thank you in the end, and i think they are right, sorry i am rambling i hope inhave been some help .

SGB your post was interesting as my DH has been prone to periods of depression in the past which I helped him through. These were mainly related to tough times at work when his self esteem was low and he struggled with his roles as team leader, father and husband. Guess which came out last?
In the new light of post counselling honesty I wonder though how much my unkindness bordering on abusive behaviour (belittling, criticising, finding fault with the little he did at home)actually caused his low self esteem and misery. He thinks it may have been MY fault.
It will be illuminating to see whether now he is away from me he is better or worse. Was I propping him up or causing his problems?

Sorry to hijack SIF but this thread has been very thought provoking and helpful for me.

sadandrelieved, what an amazing post

No apology needed Whenallelsefails, particularly as your reaction to your H was exactly the same as mine: the belittling, criticising etc, with the same result that I now think that maybe I'm more to blame than just an onlooker to his depression. He agrees, not sure that's such a surprise, though!

But then I also wonder if my dwindling sense of empathy or sympathy for him was a symptom of not really loving him properly even back then.

All comments are a help Susie, and no it's been a long time since I felt happy or contented with my lot, but again is that me being miserable and ungrateful for what I have. After all I have a man who loves me, is good to me, and is still willing to work on our marriage even after I've told him that I no longer fancy him :(

SIF, I think it is our last sentence in your 16:59 post that is very telling

You don't respect him. He is a doormat, in your eyes, yes ?

Doormats are not remotely fanciable, nor do they make good longterm partners. They get more and more worn out as we wipe our feet on them.

I am not saying this to have a go at you (I have also guessed who you are, btw), but I see the painful truth here.

Tell me if I am wrong.

And, yes, Sadandrelieved - your name is how I feel now, I've actually told H my real worries - thank you for sharing your experience.

I know exactly how you feel about your H's affair, I often wish mine would find someone else, just to make it easier for us both to move on.

your last sentence, sorry

God, AF, I hope you are wrong - although I know you seldom are - because I can imagine finding a way to find him sexually attractive again, but it would be almost impossible surely if I have lost respect as well.

I don't think I think of him as a doormat, that would make me an awful person, and I'm not ready for that.

"I have a man who loves me, is good to me, and is still willing to work on our marriage even after I have told him that I no longer fancy him!

That is a very important statement. My DH is the same. It smacks of neediness and desperation on his part doesn't it? Surely someone who valued themselves properly in that situation would get angry and feel they deserved to be loved and appreciated not put down and disrespected?

I have also questioned how much DH actually listens to what I am saying and takes it in. He seems almost to love the idealised picture of me rather than the actual living breathing sarcastic resentful me having sex because it makes him feel good and listening to his worries because he wants me to not because I care. How can such a one way relationship be satisfying? Can he not feel the lack of emotion on my part? I was turning into a horrible person and it was making me so unhappy

It is a relief to know I am not the only one in this position. I have been out of it for three weeks and it gets better every day.

The bit about your H not really knowing you, is just how I feel, Whenallelsefails. I have a strong sense that he is relating to the version that seems to be in his head, the one that would really appreciate his gifts etc, not me.

It's an odd sensation

of course I am sometimes wrong, SIF

something to think about though x