Can I, or should I try to, rescue my marriage

[stillinflux]

Had to name change as H discovered many previous threads and was not impressed - unsurprisingly.

Been married more than 18 years, together 22 and finding it difficult to remember when we were happy for longer than a month or so in one go. H now admits/recognises long periods of depression, and that he was withdrawn, etc and it was not my imagination that I was basically alone with the three kids.

Considered calling it a day around this time last year, and then met someone else who awakened all sorts of long dormant emotions and sensations. Very definitely an emotional affair, and no I'm not proud, but find it hard to accept that it was fundamentally wrong of me.

When I recognised the 'friendship' for what it was, I pulled back, but was difficult because we work together. H and I had around 10 Relate sessions around this time, but I was less than honest about the near miss.

Things seemed to be improving, we argue less and life is calmer, I have been honest about the EA, but I still cannot rejuvenate any sense of sexual attraction for H. This is really hurting him, I like him, enjoy his company, for the most part, but find it really difficult when it comes to sex or even saying I love him.

He's now talking about separation, because he cannot take the 'physical hurt' this causes him day after day.

I don't want to separate, but I'm not sure why, apart from the damage to the kids. Do I just not want the disruption, or am I instinctively clinging to something that I know at some level can get better?

Should I just let H go for sake, if not mine. Or is it possible to turn it round?

Trust me on this

I'm no expert at this, SIF - if I was, I'd be sorted myself. But I do believe that if you look for the things you still respect you can build upon them - and I am working on that. DH tells me (far less often than I notice myself) that I treat him like shit - and while I think that's a little harsh, I certainly don't treat him with respect much of the time.

Think about how you treat your DH - what you think when you think about him - is it generally with some kind if inner or ? I have to stop myself thinking badly of DH - I have to remind myself that just because he does one thing that winds me up, he isn't a useless git (or whatever other epithet springs to mind). I have got into a negative mindset where he is concerned and am in the process of trying to reverse that - because it appears that he isn't going to be able to change his ways any time soon, so either I have to learn to accept it (to some extent) or become bloody miserable fighting it.

But to answer your question - I think there is always a chance that you can learn to respect your DH again - even if you start with the basics of writing a list of his good points, things that are worthy of your respect. Reminding yourself of these things might outweigh the resentment of responsibility you have had to carry. I think it helps quite a lot to have more personal insight and would agree with whoever suggested having counselling just for yourself - to see whether or not some of it is more about you than him. I know it is the case for me; I can't say for you.

still you are absolutely not a fuckwit. You're just a bit lost at the moment. x

Thank you all. I know MN has its faults, but believe me it has today provided me with a Damascan moment.

Just understanding how badly I have been treating H has made me feel differently about him already, it's like scales have been lifted. .

And yes, you're right Hiding, I do think of him very dismissively most of the time, but will try hard to counter that.

He came home tonight saying he'd changed his mind, that he couldn't take it anymore and that he would be gone by the weekend. Earlier today I may have just shrugged and said ok. But I had to tell him all this respect stuff, risking that he might think even less of me. But he didn't and has agreed to stay, so long as we keep going to relate.

So here's hoping that this is a real light at the end of the tunnel and not an oncoming train!

blimey

SIF...are you still in contact with the OM ?

IMO and experience that spark /chemistry/sexual attraction -whatever you want to call it doesnt ever seem to come back - once gone. Its easier to get back everything else friendship ,respect etc but not that as it is really the main difference between being a couple or just acqaintances/friends.

Trust you to spot the flaw in my plan, AF. :)

Sporadically, in non-professional circumstances, but frequently in the office. Sitting here now, I think I can handle it, but face to face...

And a bi-product of today's revelations is that I'm seeing him differently too, not so much as my saviour but as someone with less altruistic tendencies. But I don't think I totally ready to tar him yet, it is probably unfair. At least I want to believe it is.

Am I keeping hold of H because he's mine and no one else can have him even if I don't want him myself?

God I do sound completely bonkers. Maybe I'm going mad with it all

No suda, please don't say that. I need hope now.

SIF, you must give up all non-professional contact with OM.

Didn't we cover all that in your previous thread ?

Because if you want to regain respect for your DH, you have to stop treating him like the (potential?) cuckold that he is.

Tell me when I get too harsh.

Yes we did AF, again and again and... I'm just a very slow learner.

I know I have to, but before there didn't seem to be much point, I think I have assumed for a long time that my marriage was doomed, whatever I did, so I may as well have some fun.

Now, apart from Suda's interjection , there seems to be hope that I can make a difference. Now it won't be so easy to shrug off the thought of H as I head to the pub. I hope.

Don't ever stop being harsh, it's why I do have so much respect for you :0

oops :o not :0

You can get physical attraction and chemistry back with spades on, but not without a major shake-up and massive change. I am so pleased you are seeing this OM in a clearer light, because you know, good people tend not to intrude on others' marriages.

Thanks WWIFN, I think I may get H his birthday present a week early, I've been putting it off just in case, as a symbol that I do want a complete change.

And yes I know that has to include, what the relate counsellor called our '3rd dimension'. Although I see what you mean about OM, I was also intruding on his relationship. Maybe I'm delusional, but I don't think beneath it all I'm a bad person.

still! I really do hope this is the start of your future with DH (if that doesn't sound too Hallmark-y). Quite exciting too if you can get things sorted so that you're both very happy.

Your OM may not be covered in glory, but then, if you want to re-connect with your DH, neither are you, SIF

Although he sounds like a bad smell to your marriage...the responsibility for kicking him to the kerb lies with you

nobody else

SIF - you are sounding like there has been a real change in your thinking and that signals hope, to me. I am glad you made the choice to tell your DH - I hope that between you, you can work on regaining the respect and love. I'm working on mine as well. :)

Good luck - I really hope it works out for you - but I agree with AF and the others, kick the OM into touch - keeping him on the sidelines isn't exactly respectful to your DH, is it?

Morning
AF and Hiding, I do genuinely want to kick OM into touch, but I suppose I was just trying to leaven the miraculous conversion with reality.

I know just how far I am from being covered in glory, but he has kept me sane for the past year and bizarrely kept me in my marriage.

That doesn't mean that I can't see that in the end it has actually made things worse but for close on two years he provided me with the only moments of joy - apart from my children - fleeting and tarnished as they were. And I know I will find it difficult to just turn my back on him, but I also know I have to and will.

And thank you Belle, as always. It does feel exciting, but I don't want to get carried away and think this is it. I know there is an awful lot of hard work to come.

good luck, SIF x

keep us updated

STILLIN - sorry didnt mean to be negative - was just saying imo and experience - I have never gone back to fancying an ex or even a current once that feelings gone - unless I still fancied them when we broke up IYSWIM - but I have managed to eventually be on good terms with them after all emotions of break up died down - but that has never resulted in me getting the attraction back to them. Thats just me - and several people I have discussed this with have said they have found that. But obviously everyones different so thats not to say it cant and doesnt happen. Didnt mean to make a statement of hopelessness - sorry and good luck whatever you want the outcome to be.