I love my new man and our baby but have I made a big mistake...?

[Trophywifenomore]

Here goes!! A year after the end of my 17 year fairly unhappy marriage, I met a lovely man in April 2009 who I quickly fell for and felt completely loved by. He was 'head over heels', seemed devoted to a future with me, great with my kids... we all went on holiday together, I fell pregnant, we started a new business together after I became pregnant so we could spend time together and share care of the new baby... so far, so good!

In the last 3 months of my pregnancy I gave up my other job to spend more time on our business which hadn't really got off the ground. My OH wasn't working when I met him and I supported him financially, paying his rent, his bills, buying a second car for him to use etc. I didn't realise how bad things were for him until he was declared bankrupt just after our baby was born due to his previous debts and failure to fill out tax returns. He moved in with me and kids just before our LO was born and since then the stress has cranked up massively.

First he decided he had hang-ups about sex with me in the last few weeks before and then after the birth of our baby. I am getting frustrated as despite having got my figure back and him saying he still fancies me, he doesn't seem to want sex, or more than a peck on the lips and a cuddle most of the time.

And secondly he is having completely unreasonable expectations of me. I already have gone out to work a bit and have been doing emails, calls and paperwork although baby is only four months but he seems to be blaming me for our business grinding to a halt as I haven't 'tried' to make it work.

He has been out working for a friend full-time the last few weeks because the business wasn't really generating income and now he expects me to do what he couldn't while I'm also looking after our LO!!! He's exhausted all the time because he's working and I have to deal with everything else. He looks horrified if I ask him to take the baby for a bit as he's 'so tired'.

I've just put my house on the market and am still finalising legal things with my ex as well.

Our bills are stacking up, OH won't deal with any of the financial stuff because I'm 'here' so I should be doing it, I have never been in debt or financial difficulties until now and I can't handle it. I can't talk to friends, they all think life is great, he is so much nicer than my ex and I do love him but now I have a whole set of new problems to deal with.

Help!

Seriously? You met this guy 18 months ago, and are now completely responsible for his finances, his business, his home and his child? And he's exhausted?

Honestly, I think you should get him to move out and sort his own mess instead of assuming its now all your problem. And then decide how far "love" should be allowed to oevrride sense.

I know, MuminScotland, it doesn't sound very clever, does it? I'm torn as to whether to pack his bags some days. But then, do I let him drive off in my car, leaving me with his debts??

I need to confront him about it but any time I try to talk to him he either gets angry, says he's too tired to deal with it or turns it round and starts criticising me over something.

It's one of those situations where sometimes things are all great and we have fun together but I always have these anxieties lurking in the background.

If I ask him to move out, then what?

I think the short answer to your question is yes. Big mistake. I assume you're on maternity leave and haven't done anything silly like hand your notice in at your old job?

Get out - can you afford to go back to your old house and old job? Leave the business to him. DON'T get your name on it - your credit-worthiness will be associated with his and you'll find it impossible to get a loan or mortgage again.

if he wants the business to work (it is his after all) he'll have to maeke it wortk.

The reason he has debts and is bankrupt is that he doesn't deal with things or face up to them. You can stay with him but accept that you are the one doing it all.

Get out. I agree with the others, don't put your name on anything with him, don't let him drag you down into financial ruin.

I feel sad for you, because if you think this is a lovely man, your ex must have been really bad.

Don't let him drive off in your car - it's yours and he has no right to it. You're not married are you? Don't sink any of your resources into the debts, if he isn't paying his share of expenses then don't bail him out. You may need all the money you can hang on to in the future.

separate yourself financially from this man, get your car back, then boot him out

I agree. he sounds a complete drain on you. What is he contributing to our life? To your family? To your finances?

Yes, you have made a Big Mistake. Sorry.
Just because he wasn't a bad person didn't mean you could safely assume he would make a good partner.

You owe it to yor kids and yourself to cut your losses now and get the hell out.

Cut your losses. Write it off. You'll NEVER get any of it back now. Not while you are responsible for his failings.

Why would he drive away in your car???

Get him out and seek legal advice about the debts. They will just keep building other wise.

And I promise you, if a blue moon ever shone and this loser did manage to make some money it would 100% be seen as his to fritter away on himself.

Expensive mistake that will get more expensive the longer you wait to sort it.

Buda, you're so right.

Mlp, my ex was a dirtbag.

I suppose I've painted a fairly bleak picture. My OH loves our little boy (his first) and is being a great dad. Until he took this job he was doing his share of parenting, even getting up through the night.

In reply to Faaamily,

He IS trying to earn some money to support us all but just doesn't seem to cope with a very physical job.

He has also been a fantastic influence on my two older kids, really everyone has noticed it and I appreciate having a loving, non-abusive man in the house.

It's just unfortunate in some areas of life he is completely irresponsible!

Hi Trophywifenomore,
What you love here, is an illusion. He followed a script to 'catch' you and now that you are caught, especially with an angel baby...the reality of himself is revealed.

He is an adult. He is manipulating you with

"but any time I try to talk to him he either gets angry, says he's too tired to deal with it or turns it round and starts criticising me over something."

That is part and parcel with keeping this gravy train rolling. He is using these tactics to deflect the attention from the real subject-his responsibility.

Do not be concerned with 'hurting his feelings', ok? He is an adult and can handle it. If he can not handle it, truly, it is not your problem to fix.

Imho, from what you have written, my guess is that he is a parasite. Yes, very, very good at having fun-take the rose colored glasses off now.

Do not give him one more thing. No golden parachute, you are not his pension plan; you owe him nothing. I am betting he is happily waiting for your house to sell, so he can dig into those funds as well.

I suggest that you take your house off the market and move back without him. Since you are doing everything now anyway, my guess is you won't miss him. You might have a little separation anxiety, but just bat that away and you will see that you'll be just fine, nay- better off.

Sorry you are going through this. I hope you are still able to enjoy your little baby.

titchy, I was on maternity leave but while I was off the business was taken over and the new bosses laid almost everybody off! I have no job to go back to, I've just been picking up bits and pieces on supply, something I did before. I've had several job interviews but so far unsuccessful.

I don't want to get into a situation of being dependent on OH as I was in my marriage to ex.

Nor do I want to throw away a relationship that could work and has plus points. I just need to work out what is for the best for everyone.

I think you will need to get proper legal/financial advice about the debts, specially with a joint business venture - there's a legal section on here where people might be able to point you in the right direction and/or places like Citizens Advice Bureau may be able to clarify the situation.

Now way should you be left with his debts, or let him drive off with your car, but once you get your finances tangled up together it can be tricky if you don't do things in the right legal way to "untangle" them.

He sounds like he's charming when it suits him, but then makes you anxious when you try to get him to behave like a responsible grown-up, as if you are being the bad guy by tring to focus attention on the nasty aspects of life. He's a user! Either consciously or not, he's got you into a position where you feel you have to sort things out, have to take responsibility for him.

You don't want him in your life on thise terms - up to you if you want him in your life on any terms, but if you do then it should be on a purely "social" basis, and you keep your finances and work separate from him.

Thanks, toomanystuffedbears, for a bit of healthy cynicism. I'm trying to be objective and ditch the rose tint. Hence the writing it all out and seeking other opinions.

Realistically I know I'm in a pickle.

I'm also in control, as I'm the one with the money.

Can you move back into your own house. Tell him that you think he is being unfair expecting you to sort out the children, home, business and finances. You need him to sort out his own debts and some space while he does so. Maybe with some distance you can rebuild your relationship and sex life.

"First he decided he had hang-ups about sex with me in the last few weeks before and then after the birth of our baby. I am getting frustrated as despite having got my figure back and him saying he still fancies me, he doesn't seem to want sex, or more than a peck on the lips and a cuddle most of the time."

Witholding sex is a form of abuse.

I'm sorry to sound all doom and gloom but I think you're on to a loser here.

You may have some patterns that need addressing - have a chat with CAB and women's aid. You are essentially on the rebound and haven't time to think about your last relationship and the patterns in that.

Take your house off the market and see what the reaction is...
He sounds like a bit of a gold digger tbh, and taking your own house off the market may well reveal a side to him you are only beginning to see..

best of luck with it.

My vote is that you need to sever all financial ties with him, as he is bankrupt and shows no signs of improving, stop supporting him, and insist he goes to counselling to address his withholding sex abuse.

But on the basis of this: "He moved in with me and kids just before our LO was born and since then the stress has cranked up massively."
I would say that you know yourself that you need to get this manchild out of your life..

Contact a solicitor about his visitation rights and about locking up your own assets.

I'm still in my own house, it's just up for sale. I have to sell as it's subject to my divorce settlement. I will be buying a small house (in my sole name) with my share of the house sale.

So if I am going to give my OH some 'space' he would be homeless.

CheerfulV, I look forward to SGB posting!

Yes, I am cynical, sorry about that. But life has taught me the less than pretty truth of circumstances over and over and over again...I digress.

It will be tricky to figure out as I know things are not always black and white. Even so I doubt you would waste time studying up on forms of manipulation. "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft is a good book.

AMumInScotland's post was very good. "He's charming when it suits him"...especially with the children. If he has the dc on his side, and the nice-nice with dc in public so the public is on his side too, then he will have major manipulation/control trump cards that will require the most firm of backbones and resolve to overcome.

I am glad you are on to him. The finances, my guess, is the "payoff" for him rather than the focus. The focus might be him controlling you (reference the sex issue).

Good luck, stay focused.

Thanks, zazen, points taken.

Again in all fairness He is the one who has said we shouldn't have a joint account as it will mess up my (perfect) credit rating and he hands over every penny of his earnings to me. He asks me permission to buy anything and he would spend his last penny on me if he could.

At least he has been completely upfront about it. Honesty has to count for something?

Why would he be homeless? He's an adult. Presuably quite capable of working, looking for soemwhere to rent and living there!

He asks your permissiont o buy anything? Are you his mum?

Sorry but he's definitely making you his mother here. And its working - you feel that if you don't look after him, he'll be helpless. He'll be homeless if you ask him to move out? Why? Are there no bedsits, flat shares etc available? Is he somehow not capable of finding one?

He gives you all his money and asks permnission to buy things. Why? When you've been paying his rent, paying his bills, buying him a car etc. Because it makes you the only adult in the house.

It sounds like you are so grateful not be with a physically/verbally abusive bastard, that you think you have found the man of the century. Unfortunately, he sounds like he has a helluva lot of issues and is far from Mr Right.

How can he be such a great father when he takes absolutely no financial responsibility for himself or his family and, within 18 months, has turned you into his mum?

I'm sorry, he sounds like a leech.

Apart from the emotional side of the equation he appears to be lacking in any sort of business acumen to actually forge a successful business. Previously made bankrupt and failure to file tax returns (the latter being pretty basic). How many businesses has this guy actually started in the past? His personality suggests wage slave 100% - he does not have the right traits to start his own business.
There is an element of honesty been mentioned and you have to decide if the role you are currently occupying works for you.
I would certainly do a full audit on his finances and see exactly what his position is -just because you do not have a joint bank account does not mean your credit rating will be unaffected.
Me and DP work on the financial side together which works for us.

"I don't want to get into a situation of being dependent on OH as I was in my marriage to ex."

maybe you have now gone too far the other way and have actually selected someone who is dependant on you? you have all the power now, especially in terms of money.

They only power he has is whether or not to have sex with you....

a cocklodger indeed, if perhaps a rather emasculated one...