I love my new man and our baby but have I made a big mistake...?

[Trophywifenomore]

Here goes!! A year after the end of my 17 year fairly unhappy marriage, I met a lovely man in April 2009 who I quickly fell for and felt completely loved by. He was 'head over heels', seemed devoted to a future with me, great with my kids... we all went on holiday together, I fell pregnant, we started a new business together after I became pregnant so we could spend time together and share care of the new baby... so far, so good!

In the last 3 months of my pregnancy I gave up my other job to spend more time on our business which hadn't really got off the ground. My OH wasn't working when I met him and I supported him financially, paying his rent, his bills, buying a second car for him to use etc. I didn't realise how bad things were for him until he was declared bankrupt just after our baby was born due to his previous debts and failure to fill out tax returns. He moved in with me and kids just before our LO was born and since then the stress has cranked up massively.

First he decided he had hang-ups about sex with me in the last few weeks before and then after the birth of our baby. I am getting frustrated as despite having got my figure back and him saying he still fancies me, he doesn't seem to want sex, or more than a peck on the lips and a cuddle most of the time.

And secondly he is having completely unreasonable expectations of me. I already have gone out to work a bit and have been doing emails, calls and paperwork although baby is only four months but he seems to be blaming me for our business grinding to a halt as I haven't 'tried' to make it work.

He has been out working for a friend full-time the last few weeks because the business wasn't really generating income and now he expects me to do what he couldn't while I'm also looking after our LO!!! He's exhausted all the time because he's working and I have to deal with everything else. He looks horrified if I ask him to take the baby for a bit as he's 'so tired'.

I've just put my house on the market and am still finalising legal things with my ex as well.

Our bills are stacking up, OH won't deal with any of the financial stuff because I'm 'here' so I should be doing it, I have never been in debt or financial difficulties until now and I can't handle it. I can't talk to friends, they all think life is great, he is so much nicer than my ex and I do love him but now I have a whole set of new problems to deal with.

Help!

He is using you, simple as that.

Does he have another business or is he becoming a cuckoo in another family's life?

You have made things v complicated by having his child but you are nonetheless not his mother. And he seems to have little interest in his own baby (from what you say).

I would be highly suspicious and seek advice re separation. I am normally defensive of the guys on this kind of thread but I just cannot see anything good here.

Not his mother as in not your OH's mother. It does read a bit ambiguously...

Goodness. Extricate yourself from this man financially, then focus on doing the same emotionally. He is a drain and he'll take you down with him.

Just some links for you:

Reality's excellent thread - "Just because you've escaped a level 10 bastard, doesn't mean you should settle for the level 8 [or level 5 or level 2] one that comes along. The only acceptable level of abuse is none."

Early warning signs to watch out for

I do hope that I and others on this thread are wrong, but I'm just picking up on this part of your post: "Nor do I want to throw away a relationship that could work and has plus points."

A relationship is only a good thing if it's beneficial for both sides. It almost sounds as though you are coming from the point of view that any relationship is better than none (which I'm sure you're not; having been in an abusive relationship myself I know well the feeling of freedom once you get out!) but I wonder whether you are coming from the position that any non-abusive relationship is better than none, which again, I'm not sure I agree with. I'm not blaming you for this - it's so entrenched in our society that being single is an awful, sad and lonely existence (not necessarily!) and that single parent families are some kind of failure or bad thing (okay, I wouldn't particularly recommend it, as it is hard work, but there are upsides to being a single parent too, and there's certainly nothing wrong or damaging about it).

Hanging on to something just because you think it "could work" in the future is just going to make you unhappy in the meantime, and this is based on what - a chance? It is more complicated when there are children involved, but this still stands. You are going to meet thousands of people in your lifetime, there's no reason to waste time on one like this. Life is too short :)

Thanks BB, I'm now in tears at the dawning realisation that I loved being a single mum, having my own money and doing things I wanted to do. Oh fuck what a fuck-up I am, pardon my French

Trophywifenomore, I'm really sorry that you're in this situation but I think he does sounds abusive- financially and emotionally.

You have a distorted sense of 'nice' because of your abusive ex. Just because a man isn't hurting you physically or being overtly aggressive dorn't mean he's not abusive.

Have you ever read Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that?

Oh don't cry :( you're not a fuck up! Hardly a crime to want to be loved, is it?

A regret should not be regretted, if you learned something from it. (And look at your gorgeous boy, you got something good out of this :))

...I mean for the brief, fun year that I had between crappy marriage and current, draining relationship.

I was getting healthier, running lots, skinny (in a good way) having some good karma

Well the question is, do you want that back?

Thanks everybody, I just logged back on and lots of you have been really measured and helpful.

StarlightMcKenzie, it is a truly frightening prospect to think about being single again, this time with a young baby. It was manageable with my older kids as they are so much more independent. But I get what you're saying about distancing him and forcing him into the position where he's going to have to buck up and sort himself out.

Larrygrylls, I appreciate the male perspective (I'm making an assumption on the basis of the name and your comments!) I think he may have a pattern of the cuckoo thing which is worrying. He does love our baby, you might have missed my further posting where I elaborated on that, he is just currently too tired to do as much as he would like.

Actually he was so exhausted after LO was born he went home for a sleep while I was rushed off to another hospital to be patched up. Is that acceptable or normal, he does seem abnormally tired a lot of the time?
I think that might be another thread in the making!

I think we are both repeating unhealthy patterns of behaviour. It's decision time.

I have a lot of food for thought after all of your postings. Thanks

HE was exhausted after you had a baby and were being rushed to hospital?? Poor thing...

No - NOT normal!!

No, not acceptable. There's a thing called a somatic response, which is basically a means of avoiding uncomfortable realities by having to sleep. (I know about it because I get it.) It's a psychatric thing, not fixable with tlc and vitamins, I'm afraid.

On your postings, he can't handle being a grown-up. As in genuinely, literally, unable to think and feel as an adult. I bet this is why he so great with the older DCs - because he is one!

I'm sorry, you'll have to get rid. Contact Experian, Equifax and his bankruptcy administrator to separate your finance from his. Look forward to running your own life - with THREE lovely kids (not four, counting the oversized one.) Maybe when your baby's a bit older, you'll find time for some counselling. Good luck!

you have got very good advice here from other posters, I won't try and offer any relationship advice because I'm probably not the best to do so.

BUT, if you decide to stay with this man, and buy another house once yours is sold - PLEASE ask him to sign a declaration (doesnt need to be drawn up by a solicitor, anything can be relied on) to say this house is yours and yours alone and he has no claim on it.

I say that because in cohabitation cases he could claim that you bought the house for the two of you but only put your name on the deeds because he was a bankrupt, but that the intention was that the house was to be a joint house. If he argued this is court, without any contrary evidence, he may succeed and be entitled to half of your house. This is because him being a bankrupt would be a very good reason why you would not put him on the deeds/mortgage if you did intend for the house to be joint.

Look after yourself, your children and your possessions first, and then worry about him. :)

I am also not the person to give you relationship advice, all I would say is that money issues will stretch the happiest of relationships to breaking point, and yours unfortunately doesn't sound the happiest (all that blame, withdrawing etc).

The last poster is correct, you need to look after yourself financially, whether you separate or not. If you buy a house, he will have a claim on it, as they suggest and you need to seek good legal advice if you go ahead and buy with him in the picture (in the worst case scenario, the house could get dragged into the bankrupcy or other debt repayment).

You cannot be responsible for the difficulties of his business, it's not a great time to go into business and you are a new mum again, it's just not physically possible for anyone. He needs to come to a solution for that: give up the business, take other jobs, whatever, but he needs to solve it. Don't take on any of his debts and make sure your finances are completely separate (it sounds like you have this).

I can't tell whether he is depressed, with the tiredness, lack of interest in sex and anger/blame, it's a distinct possibility (he could also be a complete idiot, I can't really tell as I (and you) don't know what he's like normally). However, you are not married, you don't own a house together (even though you have a child) and you don't have to put yourself or your children through this.

I've just reread the OP and the bit about him not working when you met him, and you paying his rent, buying him a car...oh dear, forget what I said about him being depressed, he sounds depressed as you can't provide for him in the manner he was expecting. I don't think that means he didn't/doesn't love you, but it is confused with needing your money and now the money isn't forthcoming, he's angry and withdrawn. I don't see anything good about this.

he sounds like an extreme version of my exh.

I have always been rather bad with money however when I met him was doing OK and certainly not drowing in debt.

However after fifteen years together ending in masses of debt including a large loan on our mh upon which I forced the sale rather than have it repossessed.

Also withholding of sex.

Back later can't post the rest right now

Trophey my dh is also "rubbish" with finances, money bills etc... always has been always will be.

I also was in the best position when we met, he moved in with me, I paid off his debts as the stress was really a strain so I did this as I love him.

10 years on he still the same so I handle all finances, bills, savings etc...

He pays X amount into my account each week and I divide up for the above.

He cleans, does the garden, washes the car, changes the beds every week, does the washing - all things Im "rubbish" at.

Love is about give and take, perhaps your OH just needs a little help and you like me are the one to do it.

I think alot of posters have the wrong end of the stick

FF: But this man doesn't do anything. It's OK for the H in a relationship to be crap with money if he contributes as much as yours does. But the OP's H expects her to generate all the income and do all the domestic servicing and childcare - and he doesn't even contribute good sex to the relationship any more!
Trophy, get a lawyer, kick him out. He's nothing but a parasite. He won't be homeless - he will just find another (sorry) desperate lonely woman who thinks that any man is better than not Having A Man IN Her Life.
WRT access for your baby - you may have to insist that the contact doesn;t take place in your house as he may use it to try and get his feet back under the table - or he may just never turn up, as he doesn;t sound interested in anything but his own needs.

"he is so much nicer than my ex"

• instead of the worst case scenario, how about comparing him to the other end of the scale? because "loving" and "non-abusive" are basic expectations, not bonuses!

FF, you have adopted a Husband-child.... Trophy has a cuckoo in her nest...

Oh, fgs! I have high-achieving friends with SAHD partners. This isn't the same thing, by any manner of means. A successful SAHM needs to have her wits about her, working for the common good. So does a SAHD. This one appears to be something of a parasite, looking only for nurturance from his family (children included) instead of providing adult guidance & security. If it was all working happily, TWNM wouldn't have posted would she?!?

TWNM, crispface posted REALLY good advice. Common law exists, and you're a common-law couple. Assert your rights.

Again, thanks everyone for your help.

Fishingfilly, I like that you're still with this guy 10 yrs on, and you say it's about give and take, I'm just curious... no regrets??

My OH similarly does the gardening, deals with car troubles (he has many, many skills including incredible mechanical skills, seriously, I am not exaggerating) cooks if we have guests as I get stressed out and is a dab hand at cleaning. When my house was going on the market he would come home from work and get cracking on with painting. I did the woodwork, he did the walls. He actually works hard!

He never says no if someone asks him a favour, unless it is going to impact on our family time.

He's definitely one of the nice guys!

I am not naive and, having lived with my ex who probably had NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), I am wary of the phenomenon of one's OH being different at home to with everyone else. It's not like that, yes, sometimes I get the worst of him, but sometimes he gets the worst of me and in that sense it is give and take too.

He was adopted and has had all sorts of 'interesting' family complications. I think (as often happens) he was looking for a 'family' rather than just a mother figure but I am a very maternal and gentle person and perhaps he likes that. Having said that, I have had no jealousy from him with our baby's arrival. Not like my ex, that was Hell! And OH likes looking after me as much as I do him.

Yes, his going home for a sleep after the birth bugged me but then he looked after me so well through labour and did his share of night feeds, nappies etc.

As I have said I am trying to look at the whole picture objectively and am weighing everything up.

If I can get to the root of the sex reluctance, and keep my wits about me with the financial stuff I think we have a future. We have just had a baby, we've been through an awful lot and he has been very emotionally supportive through some very difficult stuff with my ex.

When we do make love it is still very mutual, intimate and the best ever, it just doesn't happen very often and not as much as I would like.

Why are relationships so hard?