I love my new man and our baby but have I made a big mistake...?

[Trophywifenomore]

Here goes!! A year after the end of my 17 year fairly unhappy marriage, I met a lovely man in April 2009 who I quickly fell for and felt completely loved by. He was 'head over heels', seemed devoted to a future with me, great with my kids... we all went on holiday together, I fell pregnant, we started a new business together after I became pregnant so we could spend time together and share care of the new baby... so far, so good!

In the last 3 months of my pregnancy I gave up my other job to spend more time on our business which hadn't really got off the ground. My OH wasn't working when I met him and I supported him financially, paying his rent, his bills, buying a second car for him to use etc. I didn't realise how bad things were for him until he was declared bankrupt just after our baby was born due to his previous debts and failure to fill out tax returns. He moved in with me and kids just before our LO was born and since then the stress has cranked up massively.

First he decided he had hang-ups about sex with me in the last few weeks before and then after the birth of our baby. I am getting frustrated as despite having got my figure back and him saying he still fancies me, he doesn't seem to want sex, or more than a peck on the lips and a cuddle most of the time.

And secondly he is having completely unreasonable expectations of me. I already have gone out to work a bit and have been doing emails, calls and paperwork although baby is only four months but he seems to be blaming me for our business grinding to a halt as I haven't 'tried' to make it work.

He has been out working for a friend full-time the last few weeks because the business wasn't really generating income and now he expects me to do what he couldn't while I'm also looking after our LO!!! He's exhausted all the time because he's working and I have to deal with everything else. He looks horrified if I ask him to take the baby for a bit as he's 'so tired'.

I've just put my house on the market and am still finalising legal things with my ex as well.

Our bills are stacking up, OH won't deal with any of the financial stuff because I'm 'here' so I should be doing it, I have never been in debt or financial difficulties until now and I can't handle it. I can't talk to friends, they all think life is great, he is so much nicer than my ex and I do love him but now I have a whole set of new problems to deal with.

Help!

Relationships should not be such hard work honestly. You've now walked into yet another poor relationship. Manchildren men like him are always bad news for the poor sap on the receiving end of same. Sorry but my BIL is a manchild and I would personally advise any woman to run in the opposite direction.

You may state you are not naive but I think in this instance you have shown some considerable degree of naiveity. Enabling him as you have done actually helps no-one, particularly him as he has not had to face up to the consequences of his actions. Why did you pay his rent and his bills etc on meeting him?. He must have felt like he hit paydirt when he met you. Enabling also only gives you a false sense of control.

If you do go onto fully extricate yourself from this manchild you are now with I would suggest you do the Freedom programme run by Womens Aid. Having previously been in a relationship with a narcissist man (you have my sympathies here as they can be truly awful, btw my BIL is NPD) you need to get your radar properly reset. They can take an awful long time to recover from, years infact.

He's definitely one of the nice guys!

Sadly , no , hes not. Nice guys dont let a women they bareley know pay his bills and rent. And getting angry when you try to talk to him is NOT a good sign , who is this guy to dictate what is or isnt up for dicussion , or to criticize you ? In my experience these men get worse and worse.

A little story (sorry for length)

I know someone who married an accountant. She had a house when she met him, and a reasonable job.

He told her he would manage their money - so they had a joint bank account - she never looked at the bank statements.

He bled her dry financially, the final straw being when she discovered he had an OW - he promptly took the OW and OW's parents on a fancy foriegn holiday.

He managed to run up hugh debts before the divorce could be sorted out and she had to sell the house to pay off his debts.

He's still working as an accountant.

There are plenty of men like this about OP - do you think yours is one of them?

just to continue the saga of my exh.

Financially he ruined us - I take some of the responsibility for that by not taking control of the finances from the off but at that point I wasn't fully aware of his track record.

If I had let things come to their natural conclusion we would have been out on the streets with mh repossessed.

He has now moved on to a woman with money and has dcs with her. In a way its the ideal way for him to finish his days (he is quite a bit older than me) with a well heeled woman. But I know that he hasn't put her in the picture fully re his finances (just as he didn't with me) as he has told me

"First he decided he had hang-ups about sex with me"

Forgot to say earlier that this language was very telling. One doesn't decide to have a hang-up - they either have one or they don't. This is manipulative behviour on his part.

"My OH similarly does the gardening, deals with car troubles (he has many, many skills including incredible mechanical skills, seriously, I am not exaggerating) cooks if we have guests"

So what?
How often does all this need doing in comparison to the childcare and bills that he leaves to you?!

Very sweet that he cooks if you have guests - so everybody else thinks how great he is

sigh.

after a really abusive marriage the oh doesnt sound like the worst partner ever BUT.....after all you went through with the ex plus regaining your freedom etc etc is this man really what you want to settle for?

Hi Trophy

Have you talked with your DP about how the bankruptcy came about? I dont mean the facts but how he felt?

I talked with my DH about this and he did suggest that your DP may be heading for a breakdown. The tiredness, the anger, going off sex. What he said did make sense to me.

I have come across people (I'm an accountant) who just cant run businesses. They start but as the reality kicks in so does the stress which build and builds until they just walk away and hide from the bailiff banging on the door. Is this what happened to your DP before? The danger is that it will happen again. In which case you need to talk with your DP about the business before you get to this point.

Hi again, for anyone still following this. I was away all day yesterday and came back to find none of the very urgent things had been done that my OH was supposed to be doing while looking after the baby (as he expects me to do it I thought it was reasonable to see if he could do it all).

He seemed to find it 'easy' having a day with our LO which it is if you don't feel under pressure to achieve anything else as well!

I am going to tell him I am washing my hands of the business and that he will have to wind it down and sort out everything including finances. If I give him an ultimatum with a time limit then sit back and wait I think I will be able to make a decision on the future of our relationship based on his response.