Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am curious to read other peoples opinions.

53 replies

TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2010 01:47

Ok so the scenario is simple

I go to the pub, laugh, joke, dance,flirt, buy drinks for and have drinks bought for me.

Then I go home to DP and our 2 ds's.

There is nothing in any of what I do other than fun...so why do so many friends (some are wives of male friends i drink with) of mine think I am being unfair to DP???

He trusts me and knows I am a major flirt...heck thats how we met.

So what is it other women have a problem with ???

OP posts:
onlyjuststillme · 28/09/2010 01:56

I would question - How often do you do this? There is a vast difference between an occasional well deserved night out and your DP being left holding the baby several nights a week.

Also to some people it would look like getting drinks bought for you, presumably by men, you taking them and flirting with the men that you are leading them on a little???

Other that I dont know. People used to look at me strange when i "let" DP dance with my female friends (even had other friends come up to me and point it out)

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/09/2010 02:02

Don't you think the wives of your drinking pals are using that line as a way of telling you that you/the DHs are being unfair on them? Are they home holding the babies while their DHs are out?

They're probably thinking "god, it really pisses me off that a) DH is having a good time and I'm not, therefore TLE's DP must be pissed off too, and b) my husband is out buying drinks for TLE when I wish he wouldn't, how can I tell her this in a non-rude way?"

BitOfFun · 28/09/2010 02:09

Perhaps they just feel a bit embarrassed and responsible if you are getting pissed and coming across as a bit lairy?

IMoveTheStars · 28/09/2010 02:14

As long as you're not out all the time and your DP shouldering all the responsibility it's fine!

I do this sometimes (not often enough) and DP is always happy for me to go out to the pub and have a laugh with mates.

Footlong · 28/09/2010 03:47

Does your DP mind? If not, forget what the others are saying it s none of their business.

ItsGraceAgain · 28/09/2010 03:47

IMO it depends whether your flirting is harmless fun or a bit leery. I suspect it's the latter; nobody's ever told me or my female friends we're out of order.

RandyRussian · 28/09/2010 07:16

Would you be okay if it was your DP doing this while leaving you at home minding the DCs?

PeterTong · 28/09/2010 07:20

i usually go by the mantra - 'what if dh did it'

i wouldn't like it - so i don't do that.

but if you wouldnt be bothered then i suppose if your partner is ok with it its fine

PfftTheMagicDragon · 28/09/2010 07:44

It all sounds a little embarrassing to be honest.

How old are you? Because flirting your way to having drinks bought with you is something that you can get away with until you turn about 20 and then it just looks sad. Are you the centre of attention? Are these men married, or attached?

Would you be happy if your DP was doing the same? It is one thing to say "this is who I am, get over it" and another to completely disregard the opinions of your partner. When you are in a relationship, it should be about compromise, you do modify your behaviour in account of the other person.

There is a clear difference between going out with a mixed group of friends, laughing and joking and everyone buying drinks for each other and going out with with the intention of flirting drinks from men.

skidoodly · 28/09/2010 07:53

Sounds embarrassing to me too.

People who describe themselves as major flirts are poor company.

Your friends probably wonder why you go out with them and spend the whole night trying to get your ego stroked by random men. It's a bit sad and desperate.

skidoodly · 28/09/2010 07:59

Also, if several people I knew told me the way I behaved in public was disrespectful of DH I would not seek to prove them wrong by canvassing the opinions of Internet strangers.

HRHPrincessReality · 28/09/2010 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

didgeridoo · 28/09/2010 08:06

I agree with Pfft & skidoodly. You need to grow up. I occasionally go out without dh but I don't flirt with men or exchange drinks. I don't ignore them completely but always make it clear I'm married & off limits but we can still have a laugh. I don't think it's too big a leap (especially with a few drinks inside you)to go from what you're doing now to things going further than they should.

annh · 28/09/2010 08:10

You don't live with your partner, do you? So to these women you probably come across as a good-time girl (to be polite about it) who is looking out for the next big relationship in your life, while keeping your partner dangling in the background.

Someone who describes themselves as a "major flirt" sounds attention-seeking, with behaviour which is probably way off the scale of what is considered acceptable by most people.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2010 08:38

I don't flirt in a leery way, its just laughing and joking etc....not asking them out or making sexual comments.

There are a group of us who go out and yes most of them are men 3 of us are women. We all buy eachother drinks, I am not asking for drinks. Just as they don't ask me. I go out with the women and we meet the same group of guys in the pub each time we go. Sometimes I do go alone - its the kind of pub where everyone looks out for eachother. Someone always walks the women in the pub home or to their cab.

Actually there are only a handful of women in the pub the rest are men. most of them over 40.

DP knows I have a laugh in the pub but he also knows I come home to him and the ds's. I don't stay out all night, I am generally in by about 1.30 the latest when the pub closes. So I am not out all hours. Or getting up to anything.

I don't live with DP and the people who know me well know that he and I are solid as a couple but until I have sorted a few things out then we can;t live together. I would hardly be looking for a long term relationshiip when I am marrying DP next year and these people know that.

I just cannot see what a bit of harmless flirting does tbh. In some way everyone flirts i think.

Also just for the record, I don't get pissed when I am out. As for being an attention seeker and leery or loud...I am the complete opposite.

Oh yes I used to go to the pub once a month just to get a break. But for the last 5 weeks I have been every friday and last week went Friday and Saturday (Saturday was a birthday party i was invited to).

OP posts:
ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/09/2010 09:13

"why do so many friends (some are wives of male friends i drink with) of mine think I am being unfair to DP?" - look this is the key bit. Where are they when you are in the pub? At home resenting their DHs for being out and resenting you for being out with them?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2010 09:16

Elephant, these are friends wives who are out with their female friends at clubs. I cannot remember the last time i went to a club tbh, I am happier at my local pub...which is 3 minutes away from where i live now.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2010 09:19

I guess the way I look at it is

Yes I do sometimes go to the pub with 2 other women,sometimes 1 of them and sometimes just me. Now the pub is a stones throw from my front door and some of my neighbours drink in there.
The pub itself is a small pub with on an average week night amaximum of 7 people in there. On a Friday night its packed out with ohh about 20 people. one of these I know for a fact is 86yrs old. Its a nice little pub where few people go. But it is a great little pub and I love going there.
Many other people don't get the appeal....I like the small community in there and we all get on well have a laugh,flirt, dance, joke around etc

OP posts:
upahill · 28/09/2010 09:31

TLE

How do you define 'Flirt?'

What do you do that you would class as flirting?

SheWillBeLoved · 28/09/2010 09:35

It's a little bit odd to be honest.

Does your DP never go out with you? No one ever thinks 100% well of the 'attached floozy who flirts with everyone's partner', do they? And to do it every Friday just seems a bit much.

I'll be the first to admit I'm a flirt, but when I am in a relationship, I respect my relationships boundaries, and others, enough to not even think about going there. What if you're flirting with a bloke who's wife is sat across the room, and she doesn't share the same views as you? Do you never think of the issues you might be causing behind closed doors?

If your friends are telling you that you're being unfair to your DP, then take notice. I suspect you won't though.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/09/2010 09:36

There's nothing wrong with going to the pub and chatting to friends/neighbours/whatever of any age or sex. If it's innocent as you claim (e.g. not all that bending over the pool table and innuendo remarks etc, you know the kind of thing) then I'm sure it's fine and normal and not cringeworthy at all. I would be annoyed if someone told me to stop socialising with men merely because I am in a relationship. If I'm not interested in the contents of their pants and they're not interested in mine, it doesn't matter if they're men or women or performing donkeys AFAIC.

But I'm also trying to work out why people are feeling sorry for (or saying they feel sorry for) your DP. Worth trying to work out, isn't it.

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2010 09:37

I have been told I am a flirty person.

I am happy to sit and chat to the men, have a laugh, joke, play pool if asked, have a drink with them, talk about all sorts of things. I don't flutter my eyelashes or things like that....tbh I am just me. Hard to explain but I just laugh and joke more than anything. I also dance with them and on occassion have sung a duet on the karaoke. Its all harmless fun...I have been going to the same pub for 7m or so now and never has anything happened with any of these men.

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 28/09/2010 09:44

So if it is all harmless fun, why are women saying that you are being unfair to your DP?

Is it because he is left at home whilst you act like one of the lads and 'flirt'? Or are they just jealous that you get on with them so well and so feel a bit threatened and are trying to make you back off by making you feel guilty?

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/09/2010 09:48

It sounds to me like you are using these men (and the ratio men:women) as an ego boost. We all know what it's like to walk into a room that's just men, and be given loads of attention, especially if the men are older, married and bored. But it sounds like it might be more important to you than you're admitting if you're going increasingly frequently.

"There's at least one of you in most pubs I've been in." - There certainly is usually at least one "man's woman" in every pub. By which I don't mean a woman who gets on with men as friends and equals. I mean one who is interested in how she can play up her "sexual potential" (however theoretical because of marriage etc) with any men in the vicinity. Classic behaviours - wearing obviously overdressed clothes for context (e.g. lacy minidresses), laughing at all the men's jokes even those she doesn't find funny, indulging in light physical stuff - the hand on the thigh or the "joky wrestle" etc, playing pool or darts but playing up to needing "help".

Got to say dancing (what context?) or singing (romantic?) duets together are in the yuck pile as well.

If you're acting like this, you might want to think about how other people are perceiving you.

Do you never go there with your DP?

Original poster
TheLadyEvenstar · 28/09/2010 09:51

Shewill, DP is fine with it. He is not a pub person. The way it came about is we were talking about friends and relationships. I happened to mention that DP and I have not gone out together without DS's since DS2 was born other than shopping one day and that he was at home with the boys. The wives were in the pub prior to going out for the night to a club.

When I said that they looked shocked, then when I said DP doesn't actually go out on his own other then fishing or snooker they looked even more shocked and said I was being unfair to him. No amount of explaining would get them to see this works for us.
DP is not a drinker -never drinks more than a pint or 2
He doesn't like pubs
He is happy for me to go out
We have plenty of time together.

So i don't see a problem tbh nor does he.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread