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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Single Women and Married Men Friendships - What are the rules??

130 replies

SurreyAstronaut · 28/09/2010 01:30

Hello - first post here so please be gentle, I need some advice on a friendship...

I am the single woman (27), until recently I worked with a guy who I get on well with. It was innocent enough and was just chats over coffee, friendly emails and occasional lunches. He is in his mid forties and married. I have always considered us to be mates and nothing more, I am not attracted to him and he has never said or done anything that implies he is attracted to me.

He has recently left our company and we have stayed in touch, although less frequently than when we worked in the same office - we email maybe once or twice a week, very standard/friendly catch up emails on what the others are up to. I had never questioned it or felt that we were doing anything wrong until recently when I mentioned to a friend that we had discussed meeting up for lunch and she told me that it was a bit weird "going out with other peoples husbands" and now I am worried that I am inadvertently breaking some unwritten rule.

Is it a big no no to meet a married friend for lunch if it's just the two of you? Am I being naive in thinking that we can carry on being friends now that we don't work together?

OP posts:

Gigantaur · 28/09/2010 16:35

why should your friendship with him be any different to one you wold have if he were not married?

i just don't get it.

talleyrand · 28/09/2010 16:35

no matter how long a friendship has been platonic, the sex thing is always out there, lurking. that's why they have that 'zing'

I don't mean to imply that platonic friendships will necessarily lead to sex. Of course not. Of course its possible to keep things platonic - but nevertheless IMO that 'zing' is always there

Malificence - your first question, well she's on MN so 'll leave her to answer for herself - or not as she wishes. For your second question : I fancied her from the first day I met her.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 17:11

blimey talley...this really is like Harry Met Sally

loves2walk · 28/09/2010 17:21

Motherinferior- I am now one of those people who like to place clear boundaries around friendships that my H has with females. if I suspected he was gay or bi that would include male friends too. Boundaries meaning I expect honesty about when he's going out, where and with whom. I would like to be invited and have the choice of going along or not if it's appropriate. I would extend the same thing in return. If there is any secrecy or awkwardness whatsoever I would be onto it like a hawk.

I tried my best to be more free spirited than this. I used to say to friends "of course I don't question where my H is going, he is free, I only want him to be with me out of choice, never obligation." but my naivety and lack of questionning gave him free reign to piss on my love and develop sexual feelings for another woman. That nearly split up our family. So what exactly was the benefit of me being so free spirited?

I think we're bothhappier knowing where we stand.

Is it just me or is there a lot of conflict on here today?!

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 17:23

yes, there is a lot of conflict today

loves2walk · 28/09/2010 17:29

It's doing my head in! I might go back to Internet shopping- much calmer

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 17:36

Gay40 · 28/09/2010 19:04

Basically, then, everyone should stay in their house, gazing into their partner's eyes unblinkingly in case rapid eye movement reveals they are thinking about something else.

ItsGraceAgain · 28/09/2010 19:30

No, hang on Gay, somebody's got to keep an eye on Mumsnet!

Gay40 · 28/09/2010 19:33

God yes. What would we do without all those people who haven't got time to text/email/lunch/see friends (MARRIED OR NOT) because of their busy and interesting real lives...yet manage to post on here constantly.

BelfastBloke · 28/09/2010 19:59

Noticed that myself, Gay40.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 20:01

Gay, that wouldn't work for us

I have removed his eyeballs

ItsGraceAgain · 28/09/2010 20:11

Good idea, AF! You can hang them off your matching nose rings.

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 20:15

yes, and the padlock on his cock

MrsSchadenfreude · 28/09/2010 21:09

Oh yes, Gay, that always makes me laugh - "so what do you do all day?" "Oooh, I am so busy, dashing here there and everywhere, taking children to this that and the other, no, no time to email friends." And then you look on MN and are hard pressed to find a thread that they aren't on.

Talleyrand, you are talking out of your arse. I have male friends and there is no zing whatsoever between us. One I have known since I was born, and the other one and I share an interest in linguistics and untranslateable words. Absolutely no spark on either side, I can assure you. The sex thing is not there lurking. It is simply not there.

I do have a male friend where there is a spark, but hey, we are adults, we flirt, but we're not going to leap into bed with each other.

Mumi · 28/09/2010 21:09

I felt very much in this position towards the end of a night out the other week when a man whose wife was also in the group (I'd never met them before) struck up a conversation with me.
It was all perfectly innocent (somewhat tedious in fact ) but I got the feeling that his wife, after having gotten on well with me thus far, started being fake/sarcastic with me and making "jokes" taking the rise out of me as a result. I know she was raising her voice to him in the same way just after I'd left but was not quite out of earshot.

I couldn't be sure and I didn't say anything but if it was the case that she believes that there is some kind of unwritten rule then I think she just ended up making a twat out of herself tbh :)

Original poster

SurreyAstronaut · 28/09/2010 21:52

Thanks for all your replies - didn't expect so many!

Still a bit confused as it seems people are split between thinking it's fine and nothing to worry about (like I did) and thinking it's safest not to go there.

Our contact is definitely more the bored at work email type than texting each other all the time (we don't text) i've never considered them to be particularly excessive or a lot of effort and if we do meet up it will be only occasionally and not a regular thing.

To answer the questions about his wife, I have never met her but she does come up in conversations, generally just things like "We're doing such and such this weekend", "She's been there/done that" I've never asked him is she knows that he is friends with me but I have no reason to think that he hides it. (Apart from a couple of times when he has not answered her calls when with me - is this significant??)

Hadn't really considered talking to him about this before as didn't think there was anything to talk about and think it would probably just be awkward and freak him out.

OP posts:

CHOOGIRL · 28/09/2010 22:05

Welcome back Surrey. I don't think rejecting calls when you're together is a biggie. I do it.. and so do my male/female friends. Sometimes I just can't be bothered to get into a conversation about where to find the bin bags!

Malificence · 28/09/2010 22:13

There two people that my DH would never ignore calls from, no matter who he was with - me and DD.
If he ignored a call from me when he was with a friend, no matter who they were, I would not be a happy bunny.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 28/09/2010 22:25

Surrey this sounds fine. How do you know the calls are from his wife though - does he tell you he's ignoring her?

Tbh, I find it bloody frustrating if I'm with a friend and their mobile keeps going off, either through text alerts or endless phone calls and can remember a time when no-one felt the need to be in such persistent contact. [old emoticon]

Cretaceous · 28/09/2010 22:28

Gosh, I ignore calls from my OH all the time - I don't think that's significant. That's what voicemail is for. I don't know whether he ignores calls from me - and I don't really worry about it.

Gay40 · 28/09/2010 22:35

But then again, why would you be ringing your partner when they were out with a friend???? That's even more weird, and a bit insecure, I think. What couldn't possibly wait till you got back?

If DP rang me when I was out with friend(s), married or not, I'd assume it was a dire emergency and answer. Because she'd only ring if she absolutely had to. In her words - if you are out with mates, there's no need for the wife to keep checking up on you with spurious conversational needs.

Original poster

SurreyAstronaut · 28/09/2010 22:41

WhenwillIfeelnormal - I only know it's been her if I can see his phone, he's never told me it was.

I've never thought it was significant as have seen him do the same when talking to others and I know lots of people (including myself) who reject calls and call people back if they're in the middle of a conversation, whoever it is with.

OP posts:

Quattrocento · 28/09/2010 22:42

"who has time for all this texting, lunches and shit?"

I do. And I am busier than anyone else I know. Have lots of lunches with married or single men and occasionally text them or they text me.

So I think you're all being a bit nuts

Original poster

SurreyAstronaut · 28/09/2010 22:46

Gay40 - Up until recently almost all of the time we have spent together has been at work so fairly normal that she may call him during the day.

It is only now that he has left and continuing to see him means meeting up on our own that I have really thought about whether this is ok.

OP posts:

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