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Original poster

Single Women and Married Men Friendships - What are the rules??

130 replies

SurreyAstronaut · 28/09/2010 01:30

Hello - first post here so please be gentle, I need some advice on a friendship...

I am the single woman (27), until recently I worked with a guy who I get on well with. It was innocent enough and was just chats over coffee, friendly emails and occasional lunches. He is in his mid forties and married. I have always considered us to be mates and nothing more, I am not attracted to him and he has never said or done anything that implies he is attracted to me.

He has recently left our company and we have stayed in touch, although less frequently than when we worked in the same office - we email maybe once or twice a week, very standard/friendly catch up emails on what the others are up to. I had never questioned it or felt that we were doing anything wrong until recently when I mentioned to a friend that we had discussed meeting up for lunch and she told me that it was a bit weird "going out with other peoples husbands" and now I am worried that I am inadvertently breaking some unwritten rule.

Is it a big no no to meet a married friend for lunch if it's just the two of you? Am I being naive in thinking that we can carry on being friends now that we don't work together?

OP posts:
Romilly70 · 28/09/2010 09:55

When I was single and living in London, I used to regularly (every few months or so) meet up with 2 guys from uni, for drinks or dinner and general reminsicing. This went on for about 12 years.

One got married (I went to the wedding) and his DW wanted to know whether she could come. It's not that she wouldn't have been welcome but she would have been bored chatting about our course at uni in the early 90's so the 3 of us meeting up eventually just fizzled out.

I did continue to meet the other one for lunch periodically and we used to chat about his lovelife etc. I think he just used to like having a female friend to chat to who (genuinely) didn't fancy him and hear about all my adventures!

motherinferior · 28/09/2010 09:55

First off, the OP didn't mention texts. Secondly, I think an email every few days is totally normal. Third, I can't surely be the only person who has lunch with their friends sometimes?

And frankly, coming from all of us who are posting frequent 'catch ups' on an internet forum....

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 09:56

I am short on time, for sure

The little time I do have is spent with close friends (yes, women)

Not on some bloke I used to work with Hmm

This smacks of the RL equivalent of having 600 Facebook "friends"

expatinscotland · 28/09/2010 09:57

I barely even email my mother twice a week.

I guess I was thinking more about Chocogirl's post - emails, texts, chats, drinks, dinners, lunches.

As a regular thing, it just seems time-consuming, IYKWIM.

And what QS says.

I lead a really boring life, though, and am a hermit most definitely.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2010 09:58

I'm also skint and live in the sticks. It's not the dinner, drinks milieu.

Horses for courses, I guess.

QuintessentialShadows · 28/09/2010 10:01

"And frankly, coming from all of us who are posting frequent 'catch ups' on an internet forum...."

MotherInferior - totally different, I dont expect any of you to really take it in!
It is optional to read my threads/posts!

And I dont expect any of you to wine me dine me lunch me! Grin

(though it would be nice? Wink )

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 10:04

fancy lunch, QS ?

I barely know you, but gosh, I am sure I can find the time

You live miles away ? No problem, I will set off now, should get to you by about 3pm Wink

Never mind the kids, they can make their own way home from school...

QuintessentialShadows · 28/09/2010 10:07

AnyFucker, you are on.

I know just the place. Wink

If you set off now, you should get here by 6pm, (by plane) so let make it dinner. Grin

AnyFucker · 28/09/2010 10:14

ah yes, I always fancied dinner in a Scandinavian country..

perhaps a detour to pick up expat, in the sticks

we could have a "catch up" about shit 'n' stuff

could I get back for kids bedtime ?

Grin
CHOOGIRL · 28/09/2010 10:15

I find time for to do things I enjoy including seeing friends. I work full time have reasonable commute and have a 4 yo dd. I multitask! Use the commute to text/e-mail via iphone. Go out mainly in the evenings whilst DD in bed. Lunch is a rare treat!

Am currently on mumsnet whilst on a dull audio, and instant messaging my (now divorced) male friend about this thread!

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/09/2010 10:16

I'm sure it's not as often as the OP might make it seem. I used to work with a man, I could say we "emailed, texted, had lunch and dinnre together, and went for coffee" and it would all be true.

But I emailed him - fairly frequently (but mix of work and friendly stuff)

texted him - only when organising e.g. group trip to cinema, or when hadn't seen each other for months

had lunch - about once when I was upset and he took me out to cheer me up

had dinner - about once in the context of going to an event together

went for coffee - a few times to get out of work and discuss work issues and personal plans (e.g. moving abroad).

It's just normal friend stuff, it's not weird, as long as neither of you is making it weird.

And the fact that others might not keep in touch with friends frequently, doesn't mean that the OP is odd if she does.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 28/09/2010 10:20

I'm really wondering about how people cope at work, if you think contact with married men if off. If you work with men (married or otherwise), don't you keep in touch by email or phone? If you get on and they pepper their emails with non-work stuff like "had a lovely weekend out with the kids" or "god isn't that Mark Ronson annoying?", do you just ignore or tell them to sod off and respect your boundaries?

RumourOfAHurricane · 28/09/2010 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QuintessentialShadows · 28/09/2010 10:26

See Shine, I am telling you my life is boring.

I am hoping AnyFucker and Expat will liven it up slightly! Grin

RumourOfAHurricane · 28/09/2010 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bramshott · 28/09/2010 10:33

I had lunch with a old (male) colleague last week. I'm fairly sure it was just lunch, reminiscing about people we used to work with, and a bit of networking in the hope of future work - unless I've blanked out the bit where we sloped off to have torrid sex in a hotel and homehow still managed to get back to our desks in under an hour . . . Hmm

expatinscotland · 28/09/2010 10:33

I'd go to Norway for a visit like a shot! We all would. Sounds right up our street, plenty of outdoor time for the wee ones, opportunities for excercise, good food, etc.

BenHer · 28/09/2010 10:45

It's a friendship,enjoy it for what it is.If it shows the slightest sign of morphing into something beyond that then end it.

motherinferior · 28/09/2010 10:49

O ffs, if it shows the sign of morphing into something else you don't have to end it, just say you don't want anything more than a friendship. And continue as normal.

maktaitai · 28/09/2010 10:53

I'm extremely tense about friendships with men, always have been, and wouldn't cope with the situation you're describing. You clearly do and it's not a problem - wish I was like you. I think the 'rules' are very personal. Keep your antennae out, but otherwise leave well alone and enjoy the friendship.

Portofino · 28/09/2010 10:59

I go out for lunch with married men all the time! Never got propositioned once! Sad

motherinferior · 28/09/2010 11:03

I know, Porto, I too seem to be unable to provoke those unbridled lusts to which all males are prone...

loves2walk · 28/09/2010 11:07

surreya - I would say the key thing here is whether this guy is being open with his wife about his contact with you and lunch etc.

You could ask him. If he hasn't told her, looks embarrassed, says she won't understand or she's too busy to be interested etc. I would stay well clear.

teaandcakeplease · 28/09/2010 11:07

My husband was a good friend with a female for about 4 years, they used to e-mail lots, talk on the phone and text. Over the years they grew closer and closer and eventually they had an affair. They both admit that that was never their intention and they didn't have feelings for each other to begin with. But it can happen sadly in some friendships, completely unplanned.

I think only you can decide what you feel is appropriate, I personally would prefer to meet with them with their wife as well, more often than not. However as this thread shows, lots of people are happy to meet alone with them too. I don't think you've come back to the thread yet since your original post, what did you decide?

Agree with Eurostar: Why not read that "not just friends" book that people talk about a lot on here. Then you can decide if you are being a "friend of the marriage".

larrygrylls · 28/09/2010 11:09

Unbelievable to even question it.

Since the days of mixed unis, men and women have been platonic friends. Friendships of all nature are important. The overreliance on the "couple" as the only social unit people fit into is a restrictive and ultimately destructive one.

Do what you want. Enjoy the friendship. If your married friend suggests impropriety, just say no thanks and review the situation.

Simples!