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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

sent a text to not so DH saying its over

70 replies

tesrocks · 26/09/2010 18:28

he is on stage do. Looked at internet history as I don't really trust him over previous lies and sexual incident with so called friend. Hints of an affair, strip bar searches and lots of porn.

He is being droped off soon by his mum told hin his bags will be on the porch. OK I'm 38 years, two DS and will starting again. We've been together for 18 years.

Bugger, bugger why are such men such complete and utter shits who think only with their dicks?

No one at this hour on this day I feel I can call - just got first glass of wine come and tell me it will be OK and stay strong.

OP posts:
fuschiagroan · 26/09/2010 18:32

'hints' of an affair - like what? Are you sure??

Am assuming you have discussed previously that porn is a dealbreaker for you...

BooBooGlass · 26/09/2010 18:33

You've done this by text? Blimey, I'd atleast hear him out Confused

OnlyWantsOne · 26/09/2010 18:34

oh, hard core Sunday night thread - you ok?

papaelsie · 26/09/2010 18:37

Step away from the alcohol. And yes, It will be ok, but it will have a lot to do with the next 24hrs... And you will have some responsibility for how that goes...

Original poster
tesrocks · 26/09/2010 18:40

Thank you for being there. Hints of an affair - naked picture of one of his contacts on linked in. OW told me about sexual incident and DH admited to it - worst week in my life - tokk six months to stop having nightmares about it. Porn I can almost cope with - this stuff is not great - plus he is denying it?!

Srip clubs all naked he knows I loathe - he did work in the city and I made it v clear how I felt.

Have spoken / shouted at him - we have a room in roof did it there I am great at heading this stuff from my DS I promise you they have no idea. They are so much better than us - I mean me and DH I'm sure you are all great.

OK have made them toasties, they are watching scooby and drinking juice. I can do this - us women are strong.

OP posts:
thesunshinesbrightly · 26/09/2010 18:44

Move away from the wine! it will only make you worse and i have the hangover from hell...you really don't want one!

Are you not going to hear him out?

OnlyWantsOne · 26/09/2010 18:47

Yes, Put the wine down.

Original poster
tesrocks · 26/09/2010 18:48

He told me that he went to this strip club - he knows how I feel so clearly lied.

He has been looking at v explicit porn - which I loathe and he knows how I feel

He has a contact on licked in a business type website and she is naked

He looked up strip clubs for this stag do

He got oral sex from one of my oldest friends and hid it from me for months - she told me (this was in Feb. we were just about recovering)

Does he really deserve being listened to? Yes fab father but surely that isn't enough?

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 26/09/2010 18:48

this is a dealbreaker for you? broken trust after last time....but what made you look?
you'll be fine...could the strip club searches be to do with the stag do?

GypsyMoth · 26/09/2010 18:49

oh x posts!

Original poster
tesrocks · 26/09/2010 18:50

Not licked in that does sound gruesome but Linked in.

Sorry but the wine is staying I have alka seltzer and berroca there is no way I can cope without it at this moment in time.

When I do hear him out he lies - I've know this for a fact - which means I have no idea what is true and what is false.

OP posts:
Original poster
tesrocks · 26/09/2010 18:53

I hadn't looked at his history in so long and am so glad I looked today at least I know for certain that he is obsesses with shaved fannies, bleached butt holes and Tina Feys tits and wnude pole dancing by young ladies and wobbly tits and all things like that.

Lucky lucky me..........my word I loathe him.

OP posts:
Doha · 26/09/2010 18:53

Fab father is fine for DC's-- but as for the rest of your post a definite Deal Breaker for me.

thesunshinesbrightly · 26/09/2010 18:54

You don't want to save it,do you?

Sounds to me like you have already made your mind up.

What advice would you like?

emmyloulou · 26/09/2010 18:55

Tbh it's all well and good people telling you to calm down and think it through, but in my experince to react with such balls and conviction shows there has been a longggggggg build up to this and one day something just snaps and that's it.

This sounds like you and it sounds like it's your day, there has been a lot of stuff festering, lots of stuff going on behind the scences and he pushes it that one step to far and it's game over.

Use this strength to get out whilst you have the conviction to do it. Mine was not related to sex/porn/affairs but I know exactly why you are doing what you are doing.

pinkbasket · 26/09/2010 18:57

Are you still friends with her?

Has he answered your text?

mamas12 · 26/09/2010 18:58

He is not a fab father if he disrespects their mother like he does. Don't fell any guilt about that side of things.

It is all down to him how this marriage has failed and you have given him so many chances.

Good luck

teaandcakeplease · 26/09/2010 19:00

You've been together 18 years? I suspect the were many reasons that led you to check internet history. My gut instincts were spot on as well but it actually took 6 months on from separation for the murkey truth to come out and to discover there was actually an on-going affair and he couldn't end it and come back to me. As the dust settles I suspect more skeletons will come out of the closet. I think space from him right now is a good thing. You may choose to look into marriage counseling or this maybe the exit you needed to end an unhappy marriage.

What I can tell you is I separated from my H last October and things DO get better.

Keep posting as you deal with the anger and grief as there are a lot of wise woman on here.

Original poster
tesrocks · 26/09/2010 19:06

No I am not still friends with her. I checked his history as I don not trust him - why should I? He could check mine a million times over I couldn't give a shit.

I'm not sure if I want advice as I have made my mind up - however I have kicked him out before and let him return.

I do need advice how do I stay this strong and keep him away. We have a lovely life full of rugby, football, holidays, lego etc.!!!!! He is great 99% of the time but that just isn't enough.

So is that enough? He has sent me countless texts - well 3 !!! OMG I am going a little mad. My mum just phones to see how I coped withouh him for one night what the fuck will she say if I tell her its forever - she worries.

OK I can do this - thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
tesrocks · 26/09/2010 19:11

So if you are one Linked In a business network site I have seen hubby use it and he is in recruitment so you can serach for people with releveant career histoy. He has serached for a partciular woman on Linked In and then managed to get a naked pictire of her.

He must have been in contact with her and asked for such a picture? So muddles, maybe I am looking for the easy way out - must stay strong. This feels like the most bizarre dream. Boys have moved onto Tom and Jerry. 10 minutes till bedtime stuff.

Excuse any dodgy spelling x

OP posts:
Original poster
tesrocks · 26/09/2010 19:16

OK bedtime is moved forward. I am losing it . In tears will tellboys have hurt toe. Shit have just thought how little we have been loved

OP posts:
pinkbasket · 26/09/2010 19:19

SadSad

Tippychoocks · 26/09/2010 19:19

FWIW I think you could well have done the right thing b kicking his sorry arse out but texting him means there's a show-down to come and laying off the wine might make it easier on you and your boys if it comes tonight.

Having been there I'm sorry for you Sad but I'm sure you will come through this. You sound strong Grin.

Original poster
tesrocks · 26/09/2010 19:26

He does love the boys and maybe me just loves himself a lot more. Only RL friend I can talked to is just back from her honeymoon - should I phone her?

Habe had another text from him saying it is not over but I think 38 is the perfect time to start again - I have my love of books and exercise classes to keep me going - plus just qualified as a teacher and looking at a part-time job.

We have lots of debt which he can keep and a second house which I will keep - see my gsoh is returning!!!

OP posts:
teaandcakeplease · 26/09/2010 19:26

Can someone come and stay with you for a short while? Whilst you go through this very painful stage of separation? Just to help?

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