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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Very difficult MIL

72 replies

Millenniumbug · 25/09/2010 11:38

I apologise now as this will be a long thread...
I've been with my DH for 20 years now, married for 15 years. My MIL started being awful the minute we got engaged, saying, "You're taking my son away from me you are."
She doesn't have a good track record with relationships. She divorced her husband in the mid 1970's, and has not formed an adult relationship since. When her SIL of over 60 years died, she didn't pass on the message about her funeral as, "She's not family, she's only married-in." Her daughter was married for about 18 months & lived within walking distance from home. Once when she was ill & her husband & his mum rushed her to hospital, when my MIL arrived she said to the nurse, "I'm the mother, get HER (SIL's MIL)out." No wonder things didn't go smoothly there then!
The only xmas present she's ever bought me on my own was an uncut copy of, "Don't marry her F* me." Every birthday for the last 15 years I've had a nasty card from both MIL and SIL. I dread opening them, one year, my DH opened them & threw them away without me ever seeing them, (which was lovely). My MIL is cross with my DH for marrying, "Out of Liverpool." She has nothing to do with her only 2 grandchildren - sending cards & money, she doesn't phone them to with them a happy birthday and at xmas, my DH phones, she talks for about 30 secs max,doesn't want to wish the kids a merry xmas, then goes, being, "busy getting ready for Church." (She goes twice every Sunday)
Both DH & I work very hard, my MIL was very angry when I graduated from uni saying, "You're taking the jobs from the men, you are." Although she has lived on her own for the past 20 years, she likes to boast that she lives in a 3 bedroomed 2 bathroomed house but has never worked a day in her life.
So, I could go on & on, (oh, when we got married, she had the photographer take special photos of just her & her 3 "children", then refused to buy 1, my parents paid her bill - on top of paying for our wedding).
Sooo, we haven't seen much of her since my op to remove a breast lump was successful & benign, when I told her she replied, "More's the pity!" (A real Christian then). And the 1 person in my DH's family who has always been OK with me is DH's brother. He has a lovely new partner, who has children from her previous marriage, they have bought a house together, are really happy, & have invited my DH and his family (IE: me & the Kids - I choked with tears at this), to my BIL's 40th birthday. I really want to go to support them as a couple, also I like my BIL, he's lovely and I know my DH wants to go. However, there will be the gremlin, her daughter & spinster sister in the corner - it will be like walking into a nest of vipers.
I really want to go, I want my DH & kids to have contact with BIL & his new partner & their family - it is important that we build a family history together. I don't want BIL's party to be blighted in any way - it is HIS day, but I don't want to be the sacrificial lamb led to slaughter either.It is silly, but I'm having nightmares over this. Any suggestions/advice please?

OP posts:
Coca · 25/09/2010 11:44

She sounds absolutely vile. Go and ingnore them completely..it will drive them insane and make them look ridiculous.

Original poster
Millenniumbug · 25/09/2010 12:26

Thanks Coca, I know that's what I'll have to do. I am going to drive, so I'll have an escape route if I need one - I always can say that the kids are tired, or somesuch. I just want to form a kind of plan that will help me to handle the situation - and that my DH will be aware of & support. (PS, I've just re-read my post & want to clarify: I love Liverpool, the city, the people, the museums, the docks, the whole scene - it's a great & vibrant place to be. I wasn't having a dig there at all)

OP posts:
femalevictormeldrew · 25/09/2010 12:26

Go and stand proud beside your husband and lovely family, and let them see how happy you all are and how well you have got on in your life together. This in itself will annoy them an awful lot more than anything you could ever say or do.

ModreB · 25/09/2010 12:28

Go, and ignore her. If she approches you and says anything, just nod and say "oh, OK." Then walk away.

diddl · 25/09/2010 12:50

Yes I agree-go-and be happy with your family & let her see it.

If she comes over say "yes, we´re all fine thank you-oh-I must go & talk to X...."

pinkbasket · 25/09/2010 12:56

Are your BIL and his partner aware of the awful things your MIL have done and said to you?

You must go to the party. Don't let your MIL bully you. Just ignore her when you get there. She is nothing to you, she just happens to share genes with your DH.

perfumedlife · 25/09/2010 13:07

I feel for you. My dh warned be when we first got together that his grannie was awful. Nothing could have prepared me. As it was, I was polite and just smiled at her. I made my apologies to go out to the garden for a ciggie and when i returned she launched into a tirade that I was nothing but a filthy addict, just as bad as a junkie were her words Shock

I composed myself, smiled, and said, yes, perhaps, but I can stop smoking, you can't stop be ugly, nasty and old.Smile

She never bothered me again.

Mil is a bully, we stand up to bullies. That is what you need to do.

perfumedlife · 25/09/2010 13:08

I feel for you. My dh warned be when we first got together that his grannie was awful. Nothing could have prepared me. As it was, I was polite and just smiled at her. I made my apologies to go out to the garden for a ciggie and when i returned she launched into a tirade that I was nothing but a filthy addict, just as bad as a junkie were her words Shock

I composed myself, smiled, and said, yes, perhaps, but I can stop smoking, you can't stop being ugly, nasty and old.Smile

She never bothered me again.

Mil is a bully, we stand up to bullies. That is what you need to do.

perfumedlife · 25/09/2010 13:09

and repeat Blush

racmac · 25/09/2010 13:13

She sounds a real charmer

I would go and stand next to dh and be a family - what does dh say to her?
Im suprised he has any contact at all.

perfume is right - stand up to her - just laugh at her if she says anything insulting.

I would laugh really loudly and say "dh have you heard what she has said now" ha ha ha and walk off shaking your head Grin

kickassangel · 25/09/2010 13:39

i also think you should support bil & new partner - how does she react to the new woman? and how do you get on with her? could it be a chance to form an alliance? women against the mil?

FakePlasticTrees · 25/09/2010 13:42

If she's as bad to your BIL's new partner then she will need your support, go, be nice and make it clear your DH is super happy with you.

tb · 25/09/2010 13:45

Oh Millienniumbug, I do know how you feel. In 1975 I met the outlaws for the first time, when dh was a newish bf. She was having a meeting of the coven and introduced me as "this is tb, ds's girlfriend, she's from over the water"! Growing up on Wirral, I'd never heard the phrase.

2 years later we got married, and less than 2 after that fil died - it took her 10 years to accept me, she was a complete bitch. Whenever we went to see her/them she would cry out 'hello, son, good to see you' in tones of joy, then next second it was in tones of 'I see you brought cat shit, too' when she said hello to me. She lived on 60 fags and tea all day, and took nembutal when her nerves were bad.

About 4 years down the line, when at bil's by mistake I hurt her feelings by accidentally not passing her photos of our new house. After that, magically the balance of power was changed for ever.

To the extent that I was closer to her than my mother, who has npd/bpd and before she died she told me that she was a victim of incest, something that she had never dared to tell anyone before.

I agree with perfumed, somehow you have to find a way to stand your ground. Maybe, discuss with dh and bil. Perhaps even write to her and point out that you have been invited, are going and that you know that as such a good Christian she wouldn't want anything to spoil bil's bday bash - perhaps even suggest 'at her age' it might be too much for her health [evil grin emoticon]

She sounds such a bitch, that you'll probably never be close, but if it carries on, it will probably get worse.

fraggletits · 25/09/2010 14:01

God I thought mine was bad. She's really not great but these lot sound like Little Britain characters without the funny ending!

You poor thing, I would start by visualising her as very small in my mind. Everytime you think about her, minimise her into a tiny insignificant squeaking pixie....and try not to think about her so much, she's pathetic.

Then I would go to the bbq and just spend some time really getting along with your BIL and his wife.

Surely your BIL's new girlfriend is probably in for worse treatment seeing as she is also non family but has also got baggage of children from another non family man?

diddl · 25/09/2010 14:09

I´d wouldn´t write & tell her you are going-you don´t need her permission to be there.

I would try not to be alone with her so that she can´t say something nasty to you without someone else hearing it.

Other than that-leave her to be miserable in the corner-it sounds as if people will know it´s her not making an effort.

MoralDefective · 25/09/2010 16:00

Go to the party,have fun and dance with your children...you'll enjoy yourself and....added bonus...she will hate it and so will the vipers nest....make sure they see you and your family being happy,and above all be polite and friendly to them...it gives you the moral highground and puts them on the backfoot.

Original poster
Millenniumbug · 25/09/2010 19:24

Thanks for your advice - I feel much happier now - its good to know that I'm not the only one! I had a good long talk with DH today. We are going & will stay in a hotel so that we have a bolthole. It is BIL's day & this is the most important thing. So, if the coven start I shall say, "Now really isn't the time or the place. If you have any comment to make, speak to my husband." That should do it! Grin

OP posts:
MoralDefective · 25/09/2010 20:33

Yeah...you are soooo right!!!!don't get into a row or any unpleasantness,just smile and be polite and walk away to your lovely children and have a good time.

funtimewincies · 25/09/2010 20:54

Please go for the sake of the new partner. She may have no idea what she's getting into!

As the others have said, smile and ignore. Hope it goes OK.

LittleMissHissyFit · 26/09/2010 00:38

Go, go to the party, don't let her ruin it for a lovely man and his family.

If anything is said or whatever, just smile, ignore and leave the room. potter off to the loo or garden or something.

if cornered, take the high road and say this is BILs day and I am having a great time, as is everyone else. If you are not enjoying it, then we can always call you a cab....

Nyx · 26/09/2010 00:47

Yes, I agree with everybody here. You should try to think about the happy stuff (your lovely BIL, his new family, his 40th etc) and simply ignore as much as you possibly can the bad vibes from the vipers. Because that's what they sound like. Your MIL I think sounds like an old harridan, but I don't understand why your SIL is the same way - however, it doesn't matter! Just ignore it. If they say something that really really pisses you off, simply paste a smile on (or a growl!) and walk away. Your children should enjoy it - it's a party! - and your DH will be glad you're all there; staying in a hotel is a fabulous idea too. It will be fine

Do let us know how it all goes please! And I hope it goes well Grin

Dione · 26/09/2010 00:50

Go. Your happiness with her son and grandkids will be your revenge. Hahahahaha.

WriterofDreams · 26/09/2010 09:52

God I can't believe people like this exist in real life! I am in absolute shock at what she said about your lumpectomy! My MiL is very overbearing but she means well bless her. I think I'm going to appreciate her a bit more now.

I think your plan of just cutting them off and telling them to speak to your DH is a good one. Rise above, rise above, rise above, that's the only way to deal with bullies like this.

ivykaty44 · 26/09/2010 09:58

If she coems anywhere near you to talk - just look with contement and say run along now can't be doing with the likes of you now and turn, if she tuens just say

of you go you made your bed now lye in it

stressheaderic · 26/09/2010 10:05

She sounds absolutely vile. She actually said that after your op? Unbelievable.

Surprising too, as my mum and all my friend's mums are Liverpool women and couldn't be warmer and friendlier, kettle's always on, everyone made to feel welcome, new girlfriends told to 'come in, queen' (they are also without exception all called Maureen or Margaret Grin).

Definitely go to the party. Enjoy yourself and rise above it as much as you possibly can. She really sounds utterly horrible, you have my sympathies.