Very difficult MIL

[Millenniumbug]

I apologise now as this will be a long thread...
I've been with my DH for 20 years now, married for 15 years. My MIL started being awful the minute we got engaged, saying, "You're taking my son away from me you are."
She doesn't have a good track record with relationships. She divorced her husband in the mid 1970's, and has not formed an adult relationship since. When her SIL of over 60 years died, she didn't pass on the message about her funeral as, "She's not family, she's only married-in." Her daughter was married for about 18 months & lived within walking distance from home. Once when she was ill & her husband & his mum rushed her to hospital, when my MIL arrived she said to the nurse, "I'm the mother, get HER (SIL's MIL)out." No wonder things didn't go smoothly there then!
The only xmas present she's ever bought me on my own was an uncut copy of, "Don't marry her F* me." Every birthday for the last 15 years I've had a nasty card from both MIL and SIL. I dread opening them, one year, my DH opened them & threw them away without me ever seeing them, (which was lovely). My MIL is cross with my DH for marrying, "Out of Liverpool." She has nothing to do with her only 2 grandchildren - sending cards & money, she doesn't phone them to with them a happy birthday and at xmas, my DH phones, she talks for about 30 secs max,doesn't want to wish the kids a merry xmas, then goes, being, "busy getting ready for Church." (She goes twice every Sunday)
Both DH & I work very hard, my MIL was very angry when I graduated from uni saying, "You're taking the jobs from the men, you are." Although she has lived on her own for the past 20 years, she likes to boast that she lives in a 3 bedroomed 2 bathroomed house but has never worked a day in her life.
So, I could go on & on, (oh, when we got married, she had the photographer take special photos of just her & her 3 "children", then refused to buy 1, my parents paid her bill - on top of paying for our wedding).
Sooo, we haven't seen much of her since my op to remove a breast lump was successful & benign, when I told her she replied, "More's the pity!" (A real Christian then). And the 1 person in my DH's family who has always been OK with me is DH's brother. He has a lovely new partner, who has children from her previous marriage, they have bought a house together, are really happy, & have invited my DH and his family (IE: me & the Kids - I choked with tears at this), to my BIL's 40th birthday. I really want to go to support them as a couple, also I like my BIL, he's lovely and I know my DH wants to go. However, there will be the gremlin, her daughter & spinster sister in the corner - it will be like walking into a nest of vipers.
I really want to go, I want my DH & kids to have contact with BIL & his new partner & their family - it is important that we build a family history together. I don't want BIL's party to be blighted in any way - it is HIS day, but I don't want to be the sacrificial lamb led to slaughter either.It is silly, but I'm having nightmares over this. Any suggestions/advice please?

Go to support BIL and his partner.

Life is far too short to pander to mean fecker who just want to drain you of your happiness.

My own gran is a bit like your MIL OP, in fact one particular thing I read in your OP made me think of her.

I think sometimes people like that who have a wicked side keep on doing it because they get away with it, people don't want to challenge them or rock the boat.

I am cutting ties with my gran, she's never been there my whole life, she's dead wood.

Sad to say that, but just letting you know you aren't alone.

Oh, the other thing I really wanted to say is: please don't think she is a true representative of Christian's. She gives the rest of us a bad name.

There is no reason to let her spoil your husband's relationship with his brother. Keep telling yourself that she is the one with the problem and it's OK not to like her and to have as little to do with her as possible. Don't think about her and if she starts being unpleasant just say something trite like "I came here to have a nice time not be moaned at. Bye..." and walk off.

Oh my word - who are these women who are getting away with this disgraceful behaviour??? And who are these DHs who are not standing up for their wives???

DO NOT put up with this.

I've got to update and ask for advice - I feel desperate. We went to BIL's party. As we arrived, MIL & her sister grunted & got up & went into the front room - MIL left her only grandchildren and her son & me standing there.
Anyway, it was a lovely party. I got on really well with BIL's partner & so I asked her how she found MIL. She said that she'd been pretty scary at first, but was now mellowing.
At one point, MIL's older sister, (about 85 yrs old), saw me standing on my own, walked up to me & faced me, her nose was almost touching mine. Her breath stank - it was awful. She kind of snarled, "I suppose you've forgotten who I am then?" It was weird, her head was wobbling as she spoke to me. I just said, "Oh, I know who you are" and called for DH. She then scuttled out back to the front room to her sister, my MIL.
Anyway, MIL didn't approach her Gch, they went to her to say goodbye when she left. When I left I kissed BIL's new partner & thanked her for inviting me & thanked BIL, told him that DH & I respected him, thought an awful lot of him & his partner & that we must all keep in touch.
When we got home, DH was livid with MIL's behaviour - the way she'd ignored her own Gch me & him etc. He wrote to her saying that she had never accepted me into the family & he wanted to know why. He said that I was his wife, that I had encouraged him & supported him, I'd been a good wife & an excellent mother to his children, so why will she never accept me.
Anyway, we got a letter in reply last night - from my BIL. He went on for 2 pages about how they all hate me, how I'm a bad spell on my DH & not a good wife, how I'm a bad mother who left my babies with a childminder, (I HAD to go back to work - I am the main wage earner in our house. I was still breastfeeding & got loads of abuse from my boss when I nipped out in my lunch break to breastfeed my baby). He wrote about how it was my fault that we had moved away from Liverpool & that the whole family hates me, that I will never be one of the family & that they will have nothing to do with me - but they do want to see DH &Gch. He wrote that their family would never include me & wrote how they hate me.He also said that if we didn't let Gch see MIL, then his partner's 4 chn from previous relationships would become MIL's Gchn & she wouldn't miss ours.
I am distraught. I don't know what to do. This is unbelieveable. I've never been unfaithful, I've never spent lot of money on myself, I only ever buy in the sale - I base everything on how many pairs of Clarks/Startrite shoes it costs, I've never done anything to gove them any cause for this vitriol. When I was pregnant with my 1st child, (after my miscarriage), my MIL, when I was 6 months pregnant phoned me to argue with me about my decision to return to work after the birth, (I had no choice) When II asked her why she hadn't paid for the photos of our wedding she'd ordered, (my parents paid her bill - they paid for the whole wedding) & why she'd bought me, "Don't marry her Fck me" she screamed at me that I would be sorry, that I was sick & slammed the phone down on me. 2 weeks before the birth of 1st ch, I had a call from her sayin gthat she'd got all her church praying for her that I would allow her access to her grandchild. Within a week of giving birth, she came to our house to see the baby with full entourage - BIL & SIL. I had to go upstairs to breastfeed because she felt it was to rude for me to feed the baby in front of her. It is this occasion that my BIL uses in his letter to say I was a fussing & bad mother. What the H would he know?
I'm sorry, I know this is a looooong post, but this is a knife too far. I feel like I'm going spare - what are these people about.
My DH now says that he wants nothing to do with his family & that his brother will regret the letter for a long time. This isn't what I wanted - I wanted the brothers to get together. Why has BIL done this. i am totally confused. My family are just not like this and are as angry, hurt, confused, out of their depth as I am. Help.

OK. Take a deep breath.

Your MIL has been dripping poison in your BIL's ear for years. She's told lies about you, and probably told a series of utter les about your conduct at the party. Your BIL has chosen to believe this, rather than his own observations. Your MIL is an unpleasant, probably slighty unbalanced woman. Apple doesn't appear to fall to far from the tree with your BIL either. You have done nothing wrong, there doesn't sound like there is anything you could have done to please them.

However, the one shining light in this is your DH. He sees the madness and has detatched for it, which is sad for him in the short term, but in the long term it means that your children won't be around this insanity and poison and your lives will be better for it. No more worries about their behaviour or what to do if you see them.

They will sit together poisoning each other with their horrible ways and never be happy. Pity them from afar and be glad they won't drag you down.

We have had our own excrutiating years with frankly disgraceful behaviour from in-laws and their family.

Following one particularly unpleasant family event, we decided that enough was enough and we have had no contact for over two years now.

Its hard to live with at first as it goes completely against the grain when you have a close family. However, my DH is committed to our little brood and we have got used to not having them in our lives. Its sad, but its the way it is.

We had the 'having it out phase' but in fact it was just another opportunity for more abuse. It did give us an insight into some of the small minded behaviour which is prevalent in some communities. It also was clear that they would never change their opinions. We didn't want our DCs to be around that and although I still sometimes feel sad that we couldn't work it out, our lives have been much calmer.

Try and quietly drop them, don't explain, just get on with your lives - without them.

Good riddance to bad rubbish!

I know you are shocked, being a decent, normal human being, but these type of people never change. Nasty is their modus operandi, it makes them feel powerful.

I would return the letter to wherever it was sent from. Get on with your life, your dh sounds very realistic about this and is right to keep them out of your lives

PS i have a similar issue with mil, I just took all I could take three years ago and told her to F off, never to darken my door again. Bliss.

I think BIL has done this rather than face the wrath of MIL.

You will never understand any of this as it falls into the realms of the 'unexplainable' You will never be able to fix the relationships as the other parties will not under any circumstances believe/accept they have done anything wrong.

They don't want to fix this and you can't fix it by yourself...any relationship is a two way process and MIL et al don't want a relationship, they want your DH back in the fold all by himself.

Tbh I'd follow your DH's lead and just call it quits the relationship you would like to have with your DH's family is unobtainable IMO.

repeat a million times

ITS NOT ME ITS THEM

because its true

they are evil loonies, no need to think about them any further

Has your DH spoken to his brother to be sure that the letter was written by him? I wouldn't be surprised if he had nothing to do with it.

Either way I'd certainly keep my DCs well away from this witch.

Time to step away from them once and for all sadly. A very unhappy toxic mess of a family and one that you can do well without... and instead spend the time you would have spent worrying and being upset by their behaviours (which won't change I expect) with your own DH (who is being very wise) and with your children.

For someone going to church twice a day every Sunday she doesn't have a very Christian attitude....... prehaps she should go more

Just do nothing. Forget them. Luckily your DH is not infected by the mad poison. You have his full support (which so many other posters do not have in similar circumstances) and you have your family.
I know at the moment all you can think (and probably talk) about is this (I have been in similar situation) but that will go away in time.
Until medical science has perfected the art of personality transplant, this lot will not change, they are feeding off each other.
Keep you and yours well clear.

Thanks Mnetters. Springlamb is right, it is all I've though about & talked with Dh about. This sort of thing really shakes any self-confidence you have - I've always thought such a lot of BIL & his new partner is lovely. I don't know where to go, my head can't get round it. I can see see Briar's point that BIL has taken side of MIL rather than stand by my DH, I just thought so much more of him than that & ai don't know what I've done to deserve it - that's the most disconcerting part.
Perfumed life is also right, I feel shocked to my core and it has really affected my self-esteem. I am now questionning every mannerism that I have. nasty is MIL's modus operandi in everything, but I didn't expect that from BIL.
Gone south I will discuss what you said with Dh. He wants to go & have a talk with his Mum, but I think it will just give the chance for more hatred. I don't want my dd's mixing with them & I think quietly drop caontact, (which now has been done for me), is the best option, although I can't get my head round it. i thought families made a history together & the children were the next chapter. I have taken my husbands name & it feels odd that MIL doesn't want me to be Mrs*. It is her maiden name, but it is also the name DH adopted when his parents parted, so I take it and am proud of it for him. Sorry to whinge, my head is seriously all over the place at the moment.
Thanks for your advice.

Millennium, you are gently moving towards a place in your life when you can start to put this behind you.

Its not easy as you naturally search for the 'things you have done wrong'. I know that feeling too well. Truth is that you have not done anything wrong other than be yourself, and that person is not who your MIL had imagined for her son.

I often wondered why there was so much bitterness - we were happy, solvent, had good jobs, our DCs were well, doing well at school etc, but I soon realised that it has nothing to do with that. Because their hatred is not rational, you will never understand what it is about. Its not about you, its about their inability to embrace change and to recognise that others can be happy without being controlled by them.

If I had been some mousey little character whose parents/history they knew and whose life they could access at will, they might have liked me. Unsurprsingly thats not me and although I will never be one of them, I celebrate the fact that I have chosen a different legacy for my DCs. As the inlaws continue to infect new generations with their poison; I don't. My DCs have broken that mould and have the freedom to be themselves.

Oops I have gone on...

She sounds so toxic she must have a green glow around her. How absolutely awful for you OP. Go to support the people you do like and ignore the hissing snakes in the corner. Good luck!!

"My family are just not like this and are as angry, hurt, confused, out of their depth as I am. Help".

Millenium,

Re your comment:-

Questionning your own self is what they want. Do not let this awful toxic family of your DH's do that to you.

You fortunately come from a family where such poisonous toxic dysfunction is unknown, most people do. The people you write about are totally toxic and dysfunctional; it is to his credit that your DH has seen them for what they are and fully suppports you as his wife. Not all men by any means do this or are able to. I would also not advise your DH to talk to his mother as it won't help you or him. Toxic people never apologise nor take any responsibility for thier actions and are happy to blame others for their ills. You are their scapegoat.

People who remain within dysfunctional families play roles; your BIL taking sides with toxic MIL does not surprise me at all actually. It is what such people do, the divide and conquer strategy. BIL is more afraid of MIL than he is of you.

I would avoid all contact with these people and surround yourself instead with people who have a positive influence on your lives. Your children do not need to be seeing toxic MIL and that branch of that dysfunctional family unit; they will start on you via them given the opportunity. They will not bring anything nice into your life.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as it would perhaps help you further. Your DH could also read "Toxic Parents" written by the same author.

You would not tolerate this from a friend, family members are truly no different.

Ignore and shred any letters you receive unopened; these people are truly unbalanced individuals.

You did not make MIL this way (her own parents likely were responsible here) and she will not change her ways. Her other sister and BIL is also toxic.

Do read the books I have recommended.

Well it´s obviously not you and you are better off without any of them.

Hopefully your husband will also have nothing to do with them also.

If he wants to see them I guess that´s his decision but keep your children well away.

They have given you & the children the perfect excuse never to see any of them again take it!

If there was any response from me it would be that any further contact from any of them of any sort at all would result in legal action.

I echo what Atilla has said about shredding/ignoring letters etc.

It was one of the first things I did, it was instinctive and the first step towards a clean break.

It is very, very difficult, but I can truly say that it is one of the best things I have done in relation to being a grown up and taking a stand for my family. For once, we were not waiting to see how they would react, we were taking away that power and finally feeling that sense of freedom was wonderful.

The only contact we have had with then since (a necessity for a family issue) was just the same as before. Vile.

I echo what Atilla has said about shredding/ignoring letters etc.

It was one of the first things I did, it was instinctive and the first step towards a clean break.

It is very, very difficult, but I can truly say that it is one of the best things I have done in relation to being a grown up and taking a stand for my family. For once, we were not waiting to see how they would react, we were taking away that power and finally feeling that sense of freedom was wonderful.

The only contact we have had with then since (a necessity for a family issue) was just the same as before. Vile.

I might be tempted to keep the letter tbh, or leave with a solicitor in case MIL demands to see the children in the future.

Just so that you can prove how easily she would disown them.

Oh Milennium I'm shocked at her viciousness. Tbh, I think you're better without her in your lives.

My sil couldn't ever accept that her dm and I became close after her earlier animosity. She had a pyschology degree from what was Lpool Poly and was forever sniping that I was sexually abused because I was middle class and working families were much more affectionate - all the time she knew about her mum's incest.

It all came to a head when she sent dh a bday card saying now you're getting old and losing your sight - he nearly went blind had detached/resealed retina etc. I rang her to ask what I should do - I could see the card through the envelope - and she kept going on that she didn't think. Having been calm to start with I lost the plot at that I think my punchline was moronic bigoted bitch, punctuated with a few f-words. She slammed the phone down. It was only the second time in over 30 years that I'd bitten back.

She is now out of our lives, and dh is disgusted with her for ignoring dd. She is of the married out brigade and told dd she was her only aunt. I had an aunt still alive, and there was bil's wife, but that's the way she is.

I think it's the way some people from Lpool are, they have such a siege mentality, and so almost hate anyone that isn't from there.

Life will be a lot quieter without them.