Very difficult MIL

[Millenniumbug]

I apologise now as this will be a long thread...
I've been with my DH for 20 years now, married for 15 years. My MIL started being awful the minute we got engaged, saying, "You're taking my son away from me you are."
She doesn't have a good track record with relationships. She divorced her husband in the mid 1970's, and has not formed an adult relationship since. When her SIL of over 60 years died, she didn't pass on the message about her funeral as, "She's not family, she's only married-in." Her daughter was married for about 18 months & lived within walking distance from home. Once when she was ill & her husband & his mum rushed her to hospital, when my MIL arrived she said to the nurse, "I'm the mother, get HER (SIL's MIL)out." No wonder things didn't go smoothly there then!
The only xmas present she's ever bought me on my own was an uncut copy of, "Don't marry her F* me." Every birthday for the last 15 years I've had a nasty card from both MIL and SIL. I dread opening them, one year, my DH opened them & threw them away without me ever seeing them, (which was lovely). My MIL is cross with my DH for marrying, "Out of Liverpool." She has nothing to do with her only 2 grandchildren - sending cards & money, she doesn't phone them to with them a happy birthday and at xmas, my DH phones, she talks for about 30 secs max,doesn't want to wish the kids a merry xmas, then goes, being, "busy getting ready for Church." (She goes twice every Sunday)
Both DH & I work very hard, my MIL was very angry when I graduated from uni saying, "You're taking the jobs from the men, you are." Although she has lived on her own for the past 20 years, she likes to boast that she lives in a 3 bedroomed 2 bathroomed house but has never worked a day in her life.
So, I could go on & on, (oh, when we got married, she had the photographer take special photos of just her & her 3 "children", then refused to buy 1, my parents paid her bill - on top of paying for our wedding).
Sooo, we haven't seen much of her since my op to remove a breast lump was successful & benign, when I told her she replied, "More's the pity!" (A real Christian then). And the 1 person in my DH's family who has always been OK with me is DH's brother. He has a lovely new partner, who has children from her previous marriage, they have bought a house together, are really happy, & have invited my DH and his family (IE: me & the Kids - I choked with tears at this), to my BIL's 40th birthday. I really want to go to support them as a couple, also I like my BIL, he's lovely and I know my DH wants to go. However, there will be the gremlin, her daughter & spinster sister in the corner - it will be like walking into a nest of vipers.
I really want to go, I want my DH & kids to have contact with BIL & his new partner & their family - it is important that we build a family history together. I don't want BIL's party to be blighted in any way - it is HIS day, but I don't want to be the sacrificial lamb led to slaughter either.It is silly, but I'm having nightmares over this. Any suggestions/advice please?

I think it's the way some people from Lpool are, they have such a siege mentality, and so almost hate anyone that isn't from there.

Er, no, I think you meant 'it's the way some people are'. Being from Liverpool has nothing to do with it; it's unfortunate that you've both had such a terrible experience with in laws, but I've never met anyone in real life who is a spiteful, nasty and loathsome as the people you've had to deal with. I wouldn't be so small minded as to put it down to regional area.

What nonsense to drag a random area of the UK into this - its got nothing to do with people who behave like so badly.

There can often be a small community/minded mentality but it is not exclusive to one or two areas, its everywhere! Its the way some people are and its handed down from one generation to the other. I see it as a legacy and one I don't want my family to inherit.

delete 'like'

i don't understand the constant questionning from you to her, the letter...what did you expect?

sorry but im my book if your my mother or my son. my mil or my second cousin twice remoed.

i don't care if your my best friend.

i will not engage with people who treat me like shit.

do not engage.

change phone numbers

send the cards back unopened with 'not at this address' written on the front

dont send xmas or birthday cards.

do not engage.

I agree, BUT I would have to have the last word and would write them a letter refuting each of their points and pointing out how vile and abnormal their behaviour has been. Then I would instruct them not to bother contacting you again, advise that any further correspondence will be binned unopened and wish them good luck for the rest of their lives.

Kitty, can´t help thinking that if you write back refuting, they´ll probably write again!

Anyway, why engage-that´s probably what they want, & it´ll just end up as an epistolary slanging match.

I know, but it's SO tempting to let that type of person know how they appear to others!

But Kitty, they don't have the level of self awareness to care how they appear to others.

They are right about everything and are the ones who are most hurt. They have 'victim' tatooed on their skull.

You just have to decide to ceasse contact, and do it.

But Kitty, they don't have the level of self awareness to care how they appear to others.

They are right about everything and are the ones who are most hurt. They have 'victim' tatooed on their skull.

You just have to decide to ceasse contact, and do it.

Kitty,

Tempting as writing to such toxic people would be, they do not play by the "normal" rules governing familial relationships. They would always want the last word or say.

I would urge the OP not to engage these people at all. Writing letters to them only opens up a further can of worms. All letters from them should be ignored and shredded.

I am sure your BILs wife will love the support as I am sure she will be made about as welcome as a pork pie at a Jewish wedding.

Woah what a bunch of vile vile people.

Keep away from them, keep your children away from them and keep you DH away from them.
For all intents and purpose let them be dead to you.
Let your nasty BILs second hand children play at grandchildren, they will end up the ones in therapy from being part of this toxic family, let his partner take the flack.

I do think it is a Liverpool thing, can't see past the end of the road, your MIL sounds mentally ill, also I hope the workshy bitch gets chucked out of her 3 bedroom house and a decent family get to use it.

Sorry just read the rest of thread.
So sorry your BIL is such a weak and useless man.
Please do not upset yourself over these people they are all mad, clearly toxic and better off having no part in your life or that of your children or husband

I've just been discussing this with dh who grew up off Breck Road near the Everton water tower. He's reminded me that when he was little, people either voted Labour or protestant.

Later, when I worked for Littlewoods, on the hr database people described their ethnic origin as English, but of Irish origin. I was ahocked when someone spat at me that they were surprised that I had got a job there as I was not a Roman Catholic.

Historically, perhaps the common suspicion and hostility to outsiders in areas, has had added to it a feeling of being swamped by outsiders due to the large volume of immigration from Ireland due to the famines.

Mine is uncannily simelar! She tried her best to get me to abort DC1. Offered to pay halfs and insisted that I should and then DH should leave me. And was very simelar at weddings etc, took DH off for photos with 'their' family, none with me, the bride, on!! She also insulted the wedding photographer by getting her friend who thought he was good at taking pics to try advising him in front of everyone!! (The guy had been doing it for years and the pics were perfect!! That guys pics- she had enlisted him to be their own photographer!- were never to be seen)

She also goes to church and so 'must be a good person'. She rejects her stepson to her husband and didn't let DH see his dad from being a baby. Anyway, it's been over 15 years since I stole her little boy away and things are better. I used to dread their visits and DH was abit wimpy at first when sticking up to her but as time went on we managed to keep them at arms length until they were civil and then we both made an effort and things are OK. She is still abit of a piece of work but it is better than it was.

I think she's just a bitch TB.

DH is from Liverpool and 'married out' of the city. His GPs live in Everton, and his parents/sister in Anfield) and they wouldn't DREAM of behaving like this. In fact, DD is being Christened at St George's Church in Everton at the end of the month.

Anyway, I digress. I think you're reading too much into it, trying to find explanations for why she's such a horror. It's nothing to do with Liverpool. She's just plain bloody nasty, and has somehow managed to get to BIL too.

I really like Liverpool + the people - I'm certainly no Boris Johnson, the city has a magical buzz about it + the culture + architecture are second to none. However, MIL has always been cross that I'm not a good scouse girl. I really like BIL's new partner - I hope she makes a go of it. I feel totally let down + stunned by BIL, I just thought so much of him. Why should a letter from DH to MIL asking why I was not family end up in a letter from BIL saying why they all hate me.
I want to stay right away + keep my DD's away too. DH is still talking about a visit, but I don't think it will achieve anything. How can I despise the woman who grew the man I love? It's all so complicated + will take time to not understand - I'll never understand, but I will have to come to terms with it.

I guess you feel so let down with you BIL as you invested so much in the invitation to his party - here was a least one sane and nice person who would be accepting of you from DH's family. However, it would be hard to be brought up by a toxic parent like that and not be in some way damaged. How your dh has done it, heaven knows.

The great thing is that you have the support of your dh and a wonderful family. With such intractable and toxic people there really isn;t any point in trying with them - it's always going to be shoved back in your face. Are they supporters of your marriage and your family? No. So don't let them blight it. Sever contact.

TBH I think that your husband should stay away as well.

It is up to him of course, but I´d be seriously thinking of leaving a man who wanted to stay in contact with family who hated me

It would imo be playing right into their hands.

The next thing he would betaking the children to see them& they woould have exactly what they wanted.

Make it very very clear to your husband that he is either with you or against you on this, and that no way on this earth will your children be going anywhere near these nutters

Milleniumbug,

1. Your MIL and her supporters, are nasty narrow-minded insular people.

Your MIL is very toxic, and her S, and your BIL are her enablers.

1. They have gone out of their way to upset you.

1. They are trying to divide and break up your family.

1. BIL's new partner is probably falling in to line as she will be scared that MIL will turn on her too.

Its for you, your DH and DC's to turn your backs on them for good.

Just ignore them: no duty visits, no letters, no cards, no wanting an apology, no answering the phone to them - nada!