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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Yay! Very excited!

86 replies

allgonebellyup · 24/09/2010 11:30

Just received a massive bunch of red roses, sent to my work in front of the entire staff! Blush

Have been seeing new blokey only since Saturday, he has visited me most nights since then, but we have yet to make it physcial (his decison to not rush it, not mine!)

Exciting stuff! (but im sure i will mess it up, as usual- hence my username!)

Grin Grin

OP posts:
bumpsnowjustplump · 25/09/2010 22:30

my dp sent me a huge bunch of flowers after we had been together a couple of weeks. We had seen each other most nights up to then and this night he had to work all night, i had been to dentist and had a filling and was in pain.. I phoned him told him and two hours later there was a bunch of flowers delivered with a note saying sorry I couldnt be there............

twas lovely

two months later on my birthday i got a lovely white gold neckless in a heart shape with a white and a red diamond on it... Then three weeks after that (only been together 3 months) I got a beautiful engagement ring....

i was swept of my feet and 10 years later we have a lovely house, two wonderful children.. he is not an abuser and has never once tried to control me..

The flowers and lavish gifts have stopped however and we are as yet still not married Grin but that is down to finances not change of heart lol....

Who knows he could be the one but if not bloody lap it up anyway.

Good luck xxxxxx

Mummiehunnie · 26/09/2010 00:31

Emotionally abusive exh sent me a dozen red roses a week after meeting, i wouldnt have wanted 2 hear it could b a red flag at the time, i was 23 and had never had such flattering attention b4!

gingerkirsty · 26/09/2010 00:48

THANK GOD for this thread. My DH wanted to 'wait' before having sex (we managed two whole weeks ;)), and we moved in together after only 4 months.

There has been no sign whatsoever of any abuse, 6 years and one baby down the line, but I am going to contact a solicitor first thing on Monday morning to start divorce proceedings - no point hanging around and just waiting for the abuse to start, is there?!?!?!?!

To Dignified and others - it is very very sad that you all felt the need to 'warn' the OP in this way, I am truly sorry you have had horrible experiences but not all men are like this, some are completely genuine and I think it is important, whilst being sensible to also live life to the full.

allgone enjoy your flowers and your new relationship :)

BitOfFun · 26/09/2010 00:49

I genuinely fell in love with my DP after one night, and he felt the same. There is nothing remotely abusive about our relationship five years later- I am ridiculously happy and thankful every day that we met.

Allgonebellyup- just trust your instincts and follow the path that feels right. Good luck Smile

gingerkirsty · 26/09/2010 00:51

BoF you just posted what I did, but in a much more mature and pleasant way Grin

fuschiagroan · 26/09/2010 00:59

I like to wait some time before I have sex in a new relationship, like a couple of months Confused

swallowedAfly · 26/09/2010 01:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dignified · 26/09/2010 01:00

To Ginger, and others , your sarcastic attitude is a bit shit.
Can you actually read or do you just have to moo along with everyone else ?

If you read the thread properly you will see that several people offered caution. There was then an array of piss taking comments , (a bit like yours Ginger ) , it was that that i objected to saying it was unnecesary and no malice was intended by the people who urged caution. Perhaps you would like to explain why you have mentioned my name in terms of warning about abuse ?

gingerkirsty · 26/09/2010 01:08

Just because you were the last person who posted on that angle, and I did say 'and others' so was not singling you out in any way, sorry if you thought I was.

I genuinely do think it is really sad that people feel the OP needs a warning over receiving a bunch of flowers.

There is really no need to be personally insulting. Maybe best we all get some sleep.

dignified · 26/09/2010 01:17

Is it because i said this ,,
" Nobody said it was an indicater of domestic violence or being a serial rapist "
Or this
" Annie , Aminita100 and Pinemartina only offered caution "
Or
"Fgs , no ones said hes a violent abuser , or a rapist, or a domestic abuser "
Or
"I hate it when theres this theme of claiming things were said when they werent , domestic violence , abuser ect, no one said that. At all.".

Perhaps youd like to quote where ive " warned " the op about abuse Ginger ?

And your right , it IS sad that the op has perhaps been advised to be a little cautious , its a sad reflection on our society, but then again so is the fact that grown women take the piss and make sarcastic comments about several posters who have simply offered caution.

Mummiehunnie · 26/09/2010 06:19

When i was married to exh for a decade with nice home and 2 kids, i would have said he was not emotional abuser, some r high functioning cerebal, highly skilled at socially hiding who they r! First time i realised i had been emotionally abused in marriage was when csu at police told me after being questioned about relationship 9 months after he left! Following his drug and drink death threats! I am well educated, the steady day in day out brainwashing and gaslighting etc is how i was oblivious to it, as so many r! Littered with gifts and public displays and nice holidays kept me and others thinking he was a good husband, he never hit me or raised his voice, he punched doors though, and we never argued!

Mummiehunnie · 26/09/2010 06:30

Impulsive men who r ott are most definatly the type i red flag, there are many exceptions and no 2 abusive men operate the same, i do hope ops guy is a good un! I do wonder why there has been the response ther has, the quoting like sheep refering to comments that were not made, the sarcasam etc, i find that interesting, along with what seems like repressed anger from some, which can b a symptom of denial and not wanting something 2 b true, denial is a safety mechanism we often use!

CheerfulYank · 26/09/2010 06:44

How nice for you. Enjoy your lovely roses. :)

Mummiehunnie · 26/09/2010 06:49

Denial is a defense mechanism that people use when they cannot handle or don't want to deal with reality. Stress is one of the results of denial left untreated. Facts usually do not change, no matter how hard a person wishes that the problem would just go away. Problems tend to mount and build, resulting in even more challenges that demand attention.
Anger
One of the symptoms of denial and stress is inappropriate anger, which can turn to rage.
There is lots on denial as the is abuse red flags for those interested, as i pasted above!

Mummiehunnie · 26/09/2010 07:09

Types of Emotional Abuse
Abusive Expectations
The other person places unreasonable demands on you and wants you to put everything else aside to tend to their needs.
It could be a demand for constant attention, or a requirement that you spend all your free time with the person.
But no matter how much you give, it's never enough.
You are subjected to constant criticism, and you are constantly berated because you don't fulfill all this person's needs.
Aggressing
Aggressive forms of abuse include name-calling, accusing, blaming, threatening, and ordering. Aggressing behaviors are generally direct and obvious. The one-up position the abuser assumes by attempting to judge or invalidate the recipient undermines the equality and autonomy that are essential to healthy adult relationships. This parent-child pattern of communication (which is common to all forms of verbal abuse) is most obvious when the abuser takes an aggressive stance.
Aggressive abuse can also take a more indirect form and may even be disguised and "helping." Criticizing, advising, offering solutions, analyzing, proving, and questioning another person may be a sincere attempt to help. In some instances however, these behaviors may be an attempt to belittle, control, or demean rather than help. The underlying judgmental "I know best" tone the abuser takes in these situations is inappropriate and creates unequal footing in peer relationships. This and other types of emotional abuse can lead to what is known as learned helplessness.
Constant Chaos
The other person may deliberately start arguments and be in constant conflict with others.
The person may be "addicted to drama" since it creates excitement.
Denying
Denying a person's emotional needs, especially when they feel that need the most, and done with the intent of hurting, punishing or humiliating (Examples)
The other person may deny that certain events occurred or that certain things were said. confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about," etc. You know differently.
The other person may deny your perceptions, memory and very sanity.
Withholding is another form of denying. Withholding includes refusing to listen, refusing to communicate, and emotionally withdrawing as punishment. This is sometimes called the "silent treatment."
When the abuser disallows and overrules any viewpoints, perceptions or feelings which differ from their own.
Denying can be particularly damaging. In addition to lowering self-esteem and creating conflict, the invalidation of reality, feelings, and experiences can eventually lead you to question and mistrust your own perceptions and emotional experience.
Denying and other forms of emotional abuse can cause you to lose confidence in your most valuable survival tool: your own mind.
Dominating
Someone wants to control your every action. They have to have their own way, and will resort to threats to get it.
When you allow someone else to dominate you, you can lose respect for yourself.
Emotional Blackmail
The other person plays on your fear, guilt, compassion, values, or other "hot buttons" to get what they want.
This could include threats to end the relationship, totally reject or abandon you, giving you the the "cold shoulder," or using other fear tactics to control you.
Invalidation
The abuser seeks to distort or undermine the recipient's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or fails to acknowledge reality. For example, if the recipient tells the person they felt hurt by something the abuser did or said, the abuser might say "You are too sensitive. That shouldn't hurt you." Here is a much more complete description of invalidation
Minimizing
Minimizing is a less extreme form of denial. When minimizing, the abuser may not deny that a particular event occurred, but they question the recipient's emotional experience or reaction to an event. Statements such as "You're too sensitive," "You're exaggerating," or "You're blowing

Ineedmorechocolatenow · 26/09/2010 07:22

What a bonkers thread! Enjoy your flowers OP, ignore the bubble-bursters....

Anniegetyourgun · 26/09/2010 09:52

Look, I started the bubble-bursting; reading it back I didn't word it well. I am so totally not jealous, trust me on this, but I am a cynical old cow. What I meant was to enjoy the receipt of roses per se, not to pick out curtains just yet as it's only been a week, and to respond to the OP's conviction that she would "mess it up as usual". I do genuinely believe that a huge bunch of flowers after less than a week of dating is OTT, but some people just are into romantic gestures so who knows? What I am saying is, if it doesn't end up like BoF and Ginger and the others with long-term, loving and still romantic relationships, allgone should not blame herself. The fact that he sent roses a week in does not prove that it is Romance of the Century and the only thing that can possibly go wrong is her lousing up. Obviously it doesn't prove the opposite either.

I do think that sending them to the workplace is unnecessarily flamboyant (though, as allgone has since explained, practical in the circumstances), but low-key gestures mean a lot more to me than public ones. A big "Look everyone, this is maaaaaa woman!" makes me want to hide in a corner.

Still: I shouldn't have said anything. Sorry.

WriterofDreams · 26/09/2010 09:58

Allgonebellyup, enjoy your flowers. I was going out with DH for two weeks before he bought me a beautiful necklace for Valentine's Day. We're married two years, together for nearly 9 years and expecting our first baby in December. He's an absolute gem.

pinkbasket · 26/09/2010 10:00

My boyfriend brought me a gift every Saturday that we met for quite a few weeks. Heck, I really should
have left him. Been happily together for 14 years and married for 11.

Enjoy the roses, enjoy the kind gesture and I hope you feel better soon.

pinkbasket · 26/09/2010 10:03

Oh yes, DH wanted to wait for sex too. He respected me and felt that sex wasn't something to just give away.

I clearly should have stayed with the blokes who gave me no presents, wanted to shag me quickly but hey, they hit me later...

Some people have clearly been spending too much time on here.

shimmerysilverglitter · 26/09/2010 10:21

Who said you should have stayed with the blokes who gave you no presents, wanted to shag you quickly but hit you later? Pinkbasket Can't seem to find anyone saying that on here. Lucky you, you found a good egg and it all worked out nicely, a lot don't.

Annie just said why she posted what she did and actually I agree with her. People can take the advice in the spirit it was intended or be rather unpleasant and mocking about it, seems that most are choosing the latter.

pinkbasket · 26/09/2010 10:28

No one said it and I never said they did. My point being that guys who do nice gestures don't always turn out to be twats, and those that don't do them, sometimes do.

shimmerysilverglitter · 26/09/2010 10:31

I met a bloke once who sent a bottle of champagne over to my table when I was out with my sister, he was lovely, attentive, good looking, great job etc. I agreed to go out with him, he rang my sister at work the next day and went on about how much he "cared" about me and that he was going to get a limo to take me away the next weekend. Understandably I was somewhat put off by this and told him I would be busy, whereupon he rang me twenty times that night leaving abusive messages on my mobile.

Another one who I started seeing wanted to "wait" for sex, brought me a gorgeous bottle of perfume that I had mentioned on facebook to a friend I liked, wanted to see me almost every night, all this within the space of two weeks. Within a month he was telling me that I would have to "make some tough decisons about my dc still seeing their dad if I was with him , telling me I needed to get my teeth fixed, telling me that he would be much more successful in life than me and was majorly sulking and switching off his phone if I ever disagreed with him and so on, too boring to go into here. I dumped him before it went too far.

Another one, who asked me to marry him within 8 weeks and then started going on about babies that we "had to have straight away" well I went on to have a verbally, physically and emotinally abusive relationship with him that led me to a breakdown.

So it happens and it all started out exactly the same way. Luckily I managed to escape most of them. All of you who it went well for, well thats great, it really is, good to hear those stories, hopeful, hope it goes the same for the OP with all my heart. It is a bit crap that her thread has gone like this but I would just like you to know OP that I am responding to what came afterwards on this thread. Not your OP.

shimmerysilverglitter · 26/09/2010 10:34

All I am saying is there is a lot of them about, my friends also have many stories like this and it doesn't hurt to be armed with the information does it?

Mummiehunnie · 26/09/2010 10:47

I wonder how many silent folk have read this thread got that cold realisation and r coming 2 terms with accepting the perfection they have been trying 2 achieve in a rotten relationship or some may in time 2 come look back and c what is being pointed out, we may never know!