Can this Relationship Work?

[B139]

Please can I get your views on my DD's bombshell.

Until last July she was engaged to a very nice young man who she met at Uni, she called it off as she said that he was too controlling.

Anyway, two weeks ago she announced she had been seeing a guy from work for a couple of months, the bombshell is that he is 50 and she is 24! I am horrified, he is not much different in age to her Dad. Dad is not best pleased.

I dont know how to react, if I make a big thing about the relationship, will it push her closer to him and I really dont want that. I am hoping this is not going to be a long term boyfriend. Am I right in thinking this relationship is wrong? What is my DD thinking?

I can understand your feelings I would be very much the same however your daughter is an adult and there is nothing to say that the relationship is serious or will be long lasting.

I think if you make a big deal out of it then whilst you may not 'push them closer together' but you may end up pushing your daughter away.

Hard though it may be I think you should reserve judgement and be there for your daughter should she need you.

How about waiting until you meet him before making up your mind? If she's happy for the time being, let her be. He may be a "young" 50, she may be a mature 24.

And if in your mind a too controlling man is "very nice", your opinion may not be 100% accurate about her men & relationships.

But if she's only just got out of a controlling relationship, I'd be worried too that she's entering into a new relationship where the power dynamic is likely to be unbalanced due to age difference/life experience, etc.

I'm not saying big age differences in relationships necessarily = unbalanced power dynamic, but if she met him at work, he's very likely in a position of authority and senior to her. I doubt they're peers in the workplace.

Can understand your concern, OP.

My best friend is 34 and has been with her 60 year old partner for 12 years - they are blissfully happy and have a very good life together.

It's not 'wrong' - sometimes it works.

I think that however you view it (and personally I'd find it slightly creepy to see a 50 year old with a 24 year old, the likelihood is that the relationship will not last, and that you need to sit back and try very hard not to interfere or even express your opinion to her.

sooner or later, the relationship is very likely to fail, and if you haven't said anything, she's more likely to come to you for support.

My dm had similar concerns when I brought home my then 45yr old bf when I was 22, she was convinced it wouldn't work, too many probs (he was divorced with 2 dc) too big an age gap etc however 7 years later we're married with a ds and it works just fine. I just never had much in common with boys my age and found them really immature. I find an older man generally treats me better, understands women better and is less interested in going down the pub with his mates to get drunk all the time!

Maybe it will work out for your dd with this man maybe it won't (just as with any man whether her age or not) but I think your best way of dealing with it is to ignore the age gap as much as you can and just treat him as you would any other bf of hers. If you focus too much on the age gap or are too anti him then it may push her closer towards him. If it does become serious then yes have a chat with her to make sure she's considered all the issues that come with a large age gap but for the moment I'd say the best is to just treat him/their relationship normally.

My family has just gone through this but the other way round,My sister of 49 has just married a 27yr old.We all had our doubts but they do seem to be very happy together.My sister looks much younger and they are both very intelligent people.They were married only two weeks ago after being together for two years.[ pic on my profile]

I'd just say that there is no way in hell that I'd approve of my 20 year old DD being with a man older than her own father, thankfully she thinks anyone over 25 is ancient.

I'd do everything I could to stop it. I think it's very wrong.

I am basing this entirely on what you said about the nice young man who was controlling, B139, so it could be miles wide of the mark. As you didn't consider the younger man controlling and she's now gone for an older one who, if controlling, will be more subtly clever about it - I wonder if she's subconsciously looking for a partner who can control her in a certain way? Are you or or your H, perhaps, rather controlling? If so, she might be poorly equipped to make wise decisions of her own, thus vulnerable to overbearing people. It would also explain why you didn't register the fiance's behaviour.
If you're the parent with controlling tendencies, perhaps your H copes by being laid-back and a little bit 'absent'? Then, she might also be looking for a kind of substitute dad.

All conjecture, as I said ...

I'm seeing someone who is 24 years my senior, separated with 2 kids but it seems to work just fine and I never really notice the age gap. People seem to want to analyze it (wanting a father figure and all that) but you can't help who you're attracted to.

Your dd is an adult and it really is none of your business.

Thank you for your replies, and I am sorry if I offended anyone, but I am just a concerned mum who cares about my DD, which is why I was seeking advice. I know DD is an adult and I have never stopped her doing anything she has wanted to do. I dont want her to get hurt again as she was in such a state when she ended her relationship with her ex.

Taghain - I said her previous partner 'seemed a very nice young man' as he did come across that way. But I wasnt living with her, so consequently did not see any controlling tendencies and DD never let on that anything was wrong.

I have met the new partner, he is not a young and trendy 50 yr old and I know girls are more mature than men but not to that extent or anyway my DD is not.

Justthisone - thanks for your advice and although I understand your split was nothing to do with the age gap, I would be intrigued to know what did happen. Out of interest is your new partner a lot older than you?

ItsGraceAgain - I would never have thought that I was controlling, I am just, as I said above, a concerned mum.

I will always let my children find their own way in life, and will support them whatever they choose.

I am 24 and I wouldn't think twice about being in a relationship with a 50 year old [shrug]

Thank you Justthisone for sharing your story, I am pleased you are very happy in your current relationship.

I am another person who's been in big age gap relationships. They can be fine, but it is quite easy for the man to be controlling without the girl even realising. I found that I automatically deferred to him on a lot of things because I assumed that, as he was older, he would have a better idea about things than me. This could have led to quite a bad situation, I think

Ok, so I was having a good chat with my DD last night and she started talking about her new "boyfriend".

I have taken your advice and am being supportive as she's "an adult" and its her choice.

I learnt that he has quite a history (obviously he would have some previous as he is 50), and that they have been going out longer than she initially admitted to as she was worried about her family and friends reaction to his age. Now my concern is that she then started talking about their future together and that they want children in the near future (in the next year), my DD finished Uni last year and landed herself her dream job.

I know I have to let her live her own life but I am worried this is all moving too fast when she is just starting out in her career.

I would worry about the 'baby in the next year' thing. He should be able to respect that she is still quite young and just starting out in her career, which may be dented due to maternity leave, etc.