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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Plesse help us get rid of this evil abuser man

29 replies

Helpusplease · 23/09/2010 18:56

What would you do in this awful family Jerry Springer style situation. I wish I was making this up. We are sick of sleepless nights.

My MIL has had a lodger for fifteen years who has been part of the family. He calls himself 'Uncle P'. My MIL had an affair with him for years and has put him before her own children. My DH has been sexually abused by him on one occasion. We don't know if he has abused my BIL. He has been inappropriate with another child family member but no abuse took place.

He is a simple eccentric character who has lots of issues. My husband has come to turns with the abuse that took place. There was also violent behaviour. He is scared to go the police. He works lots of hours. We now have a new baby and don't want 'Uncle P' to be part of her life.

He still lives with my MIL and FIL. Obviously we don't want him having anything to do with our daughter. We believe that the affair between him and MIL has ended and that she is too scared to throw him out in case my FIL finds out. 'Uncle P's' general behaviour is erratic and he has a drinking problem. We have found out also recently that he had a one night stand with a man who robbed my MIL.

My MIL has lots of health problems and is getting old. She hasn't had the best start in life and has special needs which is why my husband cannot tell her about the abuse.

We want this 'Uncle P' out of our lives. My husband is scared to confront him as he wants to kill him. Does anyone have any advice or experience to help us. I will add that my DD will never be left in the care of DH's family. How can this end without my DH, BIL or FIL ending up in prison. This is the last resort.

OP posts:
changeforthebetter · 23/09/2010 19:03

Please go to the police. I grew up in a household tainted by a sexual abusing lodger (my parents were totally naive, nto complicit). The damage it ahs done is just beyond belief. He needs to pay for what he ahs done. when my dad found out he went to the police but they didn't take it seriously Hmm (this was the seventies). I am sure they will now. YOur H will need and deserves help and support.

Good luck and (sod MN etiquette) hugs. Stay safe.

Longtalljosie · 23/09/2010 19:04

Report him to the police, and get him sent to prison. That should do it.

He is not a "simple eccentric character with a lot of issues", he is a paedophile (I'm assuming the abuse of your DH took place when he was a minor)

Original poster
Helpusplease · 23/09/2010 19:07

Yes he was ten. What happens in this situation. It is my husbands word against his. I will try to get my husband to talk to my BIL to see if it happened to him too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpusplease · 23/09/2010 19:11

Thank you. This has blighted my DH's life for years. He doesn't want his Mum and Dad to know as they are old now. This man is a danger. My DH needs help with this so I suggested MN.

OP posts:
changeforthebetter · 23/09/2010 19:12

No it isn't one person's word against anothers. This is serious stuff. This man is endangering your parents and your family. YOu are scared of him and with good reason. I think your mum is just going to have to accept that the stuff about the affair may come out. Tough, she made a mistake and there may be consequences. The family's safety is paramount. FGS he is bringing home thieves(gender irrelevant) and has been violent. It is enough. Ring the police, now, please.

scurryfunge · 23/09/2010 19:12

Report him to the Police. A specially trained officer will deal with your DH's account.

You will have to be prepared for the denials and that it may not result in a court case, depending on what material is available.

It may help your DH deal with by reporting him, though.

Longtalljosie · 23/09/2010 19:14

You now have a baby. Is your BIL a father too now? Now is the time to stop shilly-shallying around, before your own children are abused. Don't kid yourself it won't happen if he's sharing a house with their grandparents.

fairydusty · 23/09/2010 19:19

dont just think about your own family (obviously that is the most important thing) but think if you do get him ot without the police he is free to continue his abuse on other children.

Original poster
Helpusplease · 23/09/2010 19:19

My BIL is single. My DD will never be in the care of the grandparents ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Helpusplease · 23/09/2010 19:20

I will show this thread to my DH.

OP posts:
dizietsma · 23/09/2010 19:28

Well either you never visit MIL and FIL with your new baby, or you disclose the abuse. He may still be abusing other kids, I'm afraid you really have to encourage your DH to report it. There are lots of resources for dealing with this here's a cursory google search with helplines etc.

It's no longer about MIL, this is about protecting children including yours, this is about getting support and help for your DH.

thisisyesterday · 23/09/2010 19:31

i too think that he should go to the police.

i DO understand why that would be incredibly hard for him tho.
i think the very least he should do is speak to his father and say that there are very good reasons why this man needs to leave. that your DD will never, ever be there while he is in the house. basically force your FIL's hand and get rid of this man

sadly, that does not address the fact that this man can/will abuse other children/people.... and that is why the police need to be involved

Original poster
Helpusplease · 23/09/2010 19:32

My husband is now 33. He has just told me that abuse happened between the abuse happened between the age of 8-10 and cannot remember dates. Does anyone here know about the police process?

OP posts:
changeforthebetter · 23/09/2010 19:37

If you just get him out of your lives then he will definitely go on to abuse other children. Do you really want to be part of a silence that permits that? I am sorry for your MIL and FIL but he is a threat to them anyway. It will be painful but you are protecting children (your own and other people's) from a paedophile. Plus, other past cases of abuse may come to light. It is highly unlikely that he only abused your H.

scurryfunge · 23/09/2010 19:39

Make a report on the non-emergency number stating minimum details. Tell them that you want to report historical abuse (that will help them prioritise the incident.ie. there is no child at immediate risk of harm).

An officer will attend to take the initial report and based on what is said will arrange for a specially trained officer to obtain a written statement from you. This may take a while, so make sure DH is not pushed for time.

The officer will ask you read over the statement and sign it. They should also ask for any other info that will corroborate what you have told them.ie. Did you attend the doctor's at the time, keep a diary, have any injuries, tell anyone else, etc.

From that point on the Police will speak to anyone else they may need to and arrest and interview the male.

Original poster
Helpusplease · 23/09/2010 19:47

Thank you. DH is finding the courage to report this. I have told him to speak to his brother as well. Thank you scurryfudge. I have explained the process to my DH. Will keep you posted.

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 23/09/2010 19:51

Check out the thread here in relationships called toxic dad (or something similar).

This mn-er's Dad was arrested, charged and convicted and imprisoned for sexual abuse against her from 20-something years earlier. You might find it helpful

Original poster
Helpusplease · 23/09/2010 19:56

Thank you.

OP posts:
mumonthenet · 23/09/2010 20:02

ah... found it

iamanewmum31 · 23/09/2010 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iamanewmum31 · 23/09/2010 20:20

...Too as my friend also has a similar situation. I wish I could offer support OP.

hugglymugly · 23/09/2010 20:51

One thing that sprung to my mind is that as this man has shown that he is capable of violence then your PILs could be at risk of 'elder abuse'.

I would also support your DH talking to the police about the past, but maybe also talk about the current situation regarding your PIL's age and your MIL's health problems. Even if the CPS can't proceed to a prosecution, the police will have a record of what happened in the past and maybe flag your PIL's situation as one to keep an eye on or respond quickly if concerns are raised about their wellbeing.

dizietsma · 23/09/2010 23:28

Am also concerned about the elder abuse angle.

tb · 24/09/2010 01:37

I finally plucked up the courage to report abuse dating back over 30 years. The police were superb, honestly. Unfortunately, the law regarding delay has changed in the interim and the 2 who were questioned (the others are dead or over 90) can no longer be prosecuted.

I'm only saying this because the CPS letter I got said there would be no prosection due to lack of evidence. This was not the situation explained to me by the DS who interviewed me. So, it would appear that the letters can be a bit of a fudge.

The really good thing is that both people were interviewed under caution after being arrested, and that the fact of this caution will remain on file. As one was a nurse and another in the clergy, the fact that I reported the events may act to protect vulnerable people in future, which was the reason I made the report. I would have felt guilty if I'd done nothing, and had later read in the press of offences committed by either of them.

Lots of jugs to you and your dh and please reassure him that the police in my case couldn't have been better.

nettlefairy · 24/09/2010 07:07

If you want to speak to someone before phoning the police there is a coucelling service called Iso-sac where someone could talk through any worries or concerns your husband or you might have beforehand.

ISO-SAC In Support Of Sexually Abused Children offer telephone counselling for mothers and others concerned about sexually assaulted children. Face to face counselling for adult survivors. £20 per hour. Contact Angela.

ISO-SAC
P.O Box 526
London
NW6 1SU

Telephone: 020 7284 2125

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