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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My date cancelled AGAIN! Am I overreacting?

57 replies

poshsinglemum · 22/09/2010 22:09

I met a cute guy online. We had some lovely chats.
We arranged to meet up on Sunday but he cancelled because his ex wanted him to have his dd. Fair enough so I gave him another chance.

We rearranged a date for tonite. He texted me about and hour and a half before the date and cancelled again giving the same excuse. He reckons his ex knows when he's having a date and sabotages his plans by making him have his dd.

I responded by saying well put your foot down then. Don't let her control you etc, etc, etc.
He replied saying that he takes every chance he has to see his daughter. (He sees her two nights a week as it is.) I do understand his point of view but I still feel hurt and let down.I think he could have asked to have his dd tomorrow night instead. I just feel that he's a bit weak and that dosn't turn me on.

He wanted to arrange another date but I declined. I don't want to run after him but I feel I should have accepted. I've ruined things now anyway.

I guess even if it had worked out, i'd always be the wicked step mum getting in the way of evryone.

I feel so pissed off and confused.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 22/09/2010 22:09

OMG- can't believe I was even thinking that far ahead. I need to chill don't i?

OP posts:
londonmackem · 22/09/2010 22:11

I met my husband on internet dating - if he was that interested he would be 'working late'. lots more people out there. however, if he gets in touch again then I still think you should go just don't chase now.

msboogie · 22/09/2010 22:15

Maybe he is not even single.

He has blown it now, don't sell yourself short. Just move on.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 22/09/2010 22:17

Thanks msboogie- I feel better. I know that he wants to see his dd but if he's like this now he'd just get worse as time goes on. He's prob still married or something.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/09/2010 22:18

I don't think this guy is single.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 22/09/2010 22:18

I could never respect a man who won't stick up for himself anyway. And to use his poor dd as an excuse. Well- yuck!

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 22/09/2010 22:19

yeah- that's one problem with internet dating. You have no idea how many porky pies these guys are telling.

OP posts:
BellevilleRendezvous · 22/09/2010 22:20

don't get too hung up on him - you can have lovely chats online & on the phone and then meet someone and find there is no chemistry and you go right off them.

if he has a troublesome ex (or he is someone who can't commit to a date) then you're better off without.

you haven't ruined things btw, he / his situation have. he might contact you again, in which case, see if you can make it third time lucky to meet. but don't do the running, it's up to him, he's blown you out twice now and that's quite poor, whatever the reason.

expatinscotland · 22/09/2010 22:21

Move on. Delete him from everything.

Lots of other fish in the sea.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 22/09/2010 22:24

He texted me telling me he's taken himself off Match. He's cancelled his subscription. Whatever. I no longer believe anything this man says. I'm just disappointed because I wanted to put on my glad rags, have a flirt etc, etc.
I made the effort. I hired a babysitter. I do get in too deep don't I?
Will move on. Why is it so difficult?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/09/2010 22:26

Yep, he's not single.

ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 22/09/2010 22:27

well... IF he is telling the truth, it doesn't sound too bad...

RumourOfAHurricane · 22/09/2010 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 22/09/2010 22:35

I think that it's really manipulative of him to say that he has to take every chance to see his dd. To make me seem like the selfish one. Ugggrrr. Thanks people. I'm going off him.

OP posts:
Karmann · 22/09/2010 22:40

The bit I find odd is that his ex knows when he's having a date. Why would she unless he had told her?

Steer clear.

BellevilleRendezvous · 22/09/2010 22:41

you don't get in too deep though, by arranging a babysitter more than 90mins before a date starts. he's just rude to cancel with such short notice.

you are getting in too deep if you're imagining all sorts of scenarios of long term relationships off the back of a few nice chats.

put him behind you and see who else is out there. and next time if you have a babysitter booked and the date cancels, take yourself out anyway - meet a friend for a drink, go to the cinema, go late night shopping. use the time for you.

Antalya1 · 22/09/2010 22:54

In the messages that you have exchanged, did he give you any information on how long he has been single, is he divorced etc etc. This dating thing is confusing and it doesn't sound good if his ex is making it difficult to see other people, but my guess is this that he may be just dipping his toe in the water and getting cold feet(no pun intended!) at the last minute, using his dd as an excuse. I may be falsly giving him the benefit of the doubt, but maybe the fact that he has taken himself of he site shows that he is struggling to move on and perhaps he's 'stuck' ?????

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 22/09/2010 22:58

theyve been split up for 4 years apparently

OP posts:
Antalya1 · 22/09/2010 23:05

In the messages that you have exchanged, did he give you any information on how long he has been single, is he divorced etc etc. This dating thing is confusing and it doesn't sound good if his ex is making it difficult to see other people, but my guess is this that he may be just dipping his toe in the water and getting cold feet(no pun intended!) at the last minute, using his dd as an excuse. I may be falsly giving him the benefit of the doubt, but maybe the fact that he has taken himself of he site shows that he is struggling to move on and perhaps he's 'stuck' ?????

Antalya1 · 22/09/2010 23:09

..ahhhh...that's long enough to be well and truly able to move on. How have you left it? does he still think that you're up to another date? Doing it twice isn't good, and if his ex has that much sway on his time, then it doesn't bode well for any future dates...sorry

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 22/09/2010 23:11

I'm just going to leave it. Sounds like his ex has him under his thumb. I can't respect anyone who is allowing themselves to be manipulated. I am amazed that I get so attached to a nice conversation and a bit of attention.

OP posts:
Bast · 22/09/2010 23:21

You've not even met the guy and you're telling him what to do regarding contact with his DC and how to behave towards his ex?!

Lucky escape!

For him.

gingerwig · 23/09/2010 00:15

if what he says is true his reasons for cancelling are perfectly reasonable.

You really think he should put a meet up with someone he has never met before a last minute chance to see his daughter who he does not live with?

gingerwig · 23/09/2010 00:17

"he sees her two nights a week as it is"

Do you have children? Would two nights a week be enough for you?

I am astonished you have concluded he is weak and being manipulated. He is taking every chance he gets to see his kid
THAT IS A GOOD THING

fortyplus · 23/09/2010 00:36

Oh come on - wake up! He split 4 years ago from the mother of his dd. What about the partner he's still living with?! That's my guess - but I have a suspicious mind...