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Original poster

My date cancelled AGAIN! Am I overreacting?

57 replies

poshsinglemum · 22/09/2010 22:09

I met a cute guy online. We had some lovely chats.
We arranged to meet up on Sunday but he cancelled because his ex wanted him to have his dd. Fair enough so I gave him another chance.

We rearranged a date for tonite. He texted me about and hour and a half before the date and cancelled again giving the same excuse. He reckons his ex knows when he's having a date and sabotages his plans by making him have his dd.

I responded by saying well put your foot down then. Don't let her control you etc, etc, etc.
He replied saying that he takes every chance he has to see his daughter. (He sees her two nights a week as it is.) I do understand his point of view but I still feel hurt and let down.I think he could have asked to have his dd tomorrow night instead. I just feel that he's a bit weak and that dosn't turn me on.

He wanted to arrange another date but I declined. I don't want to run after him but I feel I should have accepted. I've ruined things now anyway.

I guess even if it had worked out, i'd always be the wicked step mum getting in the way of evryone.

I feel so pissed off and confused.

OP posts:
FrozenChocolate · 23/09/2010 00:49

To be honest, if a guy didn't see me for these reasons, it would tell me a lot about him in a good way. Children should come first.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/09/2010 01:01

He sounds just not worth the bother. If he does have a cow of an ex, then getting involved with him is going to be endlessly stressful and he is going to expect you just to suck it up. If he's a bullshitter who is running several dates simultaneously and picking the best option on any given night, well you're better off without him. The fact that he started pulling the emotional blackmail already suggests he's either a liar or a loser. so just dump and forget. Plenty more out there.

Eurostar · 23/09/2010 01:50

I'd really advise with net dating to arrange to meet for a short daytime cuppa/coffee initially. That way it's a quick reality check if there is any chemistry, there is less pressure. Also lessen the chance of drinking because you are nervous, then letting down guard and going further than you'll feel good about when you still don't know enough about him.

Don't even let yourself fantasise about what might be with someone until you've established that they are really single. There are genuine single blokes out there but there are a lot of marrieds on the sites, especially the free ones. If your gut tells you there's something a little odd - then probably you are not getting the full story.

Don't give up but do look after yourself.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 23/09/2010 07:57

That's where I'm torn. It's great he wants to see his kid but why can't he have her the following night instaed. What worries me is that his ex is calling the shots here when really it should be him. I do respect and admire teh fact he sees his dd. That's what drew me to him initially.

I'm confused and I don't know what to think now.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 23/09/2010 08:00

Also I should mention that he had is dd all weekend until Tuesday. Our date was last night on Wednesday. His ex just tacked on an extra day.

It turns out last night he put her to bed at 7.00 and then came down and was back on Match! To cancel appparently. Why didn't he put her to bed and get a mate to babysit for a couple of hours? Everyone wins.

OP posts:
diddl · 23/09/2010 08:03

Why would he want to use a babysitter for a child he doesn´t see that often?

You haven´t been out with him & you told him to put his foot down?

Good heavens-I´m surprised to get as far as getting a date!

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 23/09/2010 08:04

Eurostar; we were going to meet for a daytime coffee initially. That's the first one he cancelled.

OP posts:
BellevilleRendezvous · 23/09/2010 08:05

you're thinking about this waaaay too much. he cancelled on you twice, you refused another date because he was being flakey and messing you around. He's come back with stuff about the ex and cancelling Match, you're now questioning his set up with his ex, why he couldn't get a baby sitter himself at short notice. Lots of back and forth and you haven't even met him - just walk away, there are more people out there with less complicated childcare arrangements.

warthog · 23/09/2010 08:07

eh? diddl? why not? she's asleep!

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 23/09/2010 08:12

I guess i'm in a different situation because I have dd all the time without a break so I am always gagging for adult nights out! If I was in his situation I'd probably be like him. The fact is; he was back on Match after his dd was in bed instaed of with me!

I'm happy this morning. Mabe I'm being unreasonable but it's a sign that were not going to work anyway.The night before our date he messaged me all eveing asking me what we were going to do and how much he was looking foward to it.

I can see both sides of the story but in the end I was pissed off.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 23/09/2010 08:17

I'm not questioning the set up with his ex or if he has a partner. Everyone else is going on about how he's not single. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and tbh I think he is genuinely single. He said he has had a few relationships since his ex but none of them woked out because of ''timing''. hmmm.

OP posts:
Original poster
poshsinglemum · 23/09/2010 08:18

diddl- he sees her a lot. Half of every week. I know that's prob not enough for someone who wants their kids full time.

OP posts:
diddl · 23/09/2010 08:38

"eh? diddl? why not? she's asleep!"

Why should he leave her with a babysitter if he doesn´t want to?

Perhaps it was too short notice or would rather her be with her Mum, or he didn´t consider a first date important enough.

Original poster
poshsinglemum · 23/09/2010 08:46

I can see both sides of the story didl. I told him he sounded like an amazing dad and his dd was very lucky. (dds dad has never bothered) It was short notice to get a sitter but the logistics just weren't working for me.

I have learned that I do react emotionally perhaps far too strongly and as I hadn't even had a first date mabe I shouldn't have got so wound up. Must chill out.

OP posts:
diddl · 23/09/2010 08:51

How old is his daughter btw?

amberleaf · 23/09/2010 09:06

He is not single!

Lovesdogsandcats · 23/09/2010 09:51

Well if the ex is asking him to have dd for several night then tacking extra nights on, there is obviously something wrong with the ex that he has not old you about How many here would do that, none I bet, so she obv is not normal.
You don't know the history here - there is stuff going on.

justwaitaminute · 23/09/2010 10:08

I think if it were me I think I'd give him one more chance, arrange another date and be sure in my mind that if he cancelled that would be it and stick to it.

There may be issues going on but without meeting up with him you'll never know, I like things clear cut, it would be the not knowing that would drive me mad.

I think if you did arrange another date and he did cancel it would give you a very clear message that you've had a lucky escape

SheWillBeLoved · 23/09/2010 10:09

Lucky escape, for both of you. Far too much drama when you haven't even been on a date yet.

Whether his reasons for cancelling are genuine or not, he's already letting you down, and you're already feeling put out by his own daughter - hardly a recipe for success is it?

Cross him off the list and move on.

SolidGoldBrass · 23/09/2010 10:15

Like I said, he evidently isn't worth the bother but I do think you need to calm down a bit. You run the risk of coming across as utterly desperate, which is a really bad idea as it makes you attractive to the arseholes of the world (whether that's the ones who want a quick shag and will fib to get it, or the more problematic ones who think that if you are desperate they can amuse themselves by seeing how many hoops you will jump through).

scaredoflove · 23/09/2010 10:17

Unbelievable! People are slagging off a man because he chooses his daughter over a first date??

MadAboutQuavers · 23/09/2010 10:21

As you said yourself poshsinglemum, it sounds like you really need to chill out

Don't waste any more energy on someone who - for WHATEVER reason - can't get out to see you even for an hour

Don't allow yourself to become a permanent fixture in last place on someone's priority list - it will only make you suspicious, desperate and miserable

Remotew · 23/09/2010 10:25

Sorry but why do you think he has cancelled his Match, surely not because he had 'met' you, so presume it was because he realised he wasn't really able to date for one reason or another.

Anniegetyourgun · 23/09/2010 10:30

No dear, people are slagging off a man because they don't believe the story about his daughter. The fact is nobody knows for sure what's going on except the bloke himself. He might be a fantastic dad with a psycho ex, he might be a liar and a player, or anything in between. Either way, deciding not to get involved with someone you hardly know and don't owe any loyalty to is a legitimate choice which needs no justification.

Bast · 23/09/2010 10:30

I agree absolutely, SOL

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