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I need some well reasoned, calm reponses to my 'Would you say this?'

76 replies

Flossam · 05/09/2005 16:52

Ok, I've blithered on about it before. I'm sorry. I even thought I'd worked it out in my own mind and I didn't care anymore. But I do. PIL have now only seen DS for about 5 hrs in total since he was 4 weeks old. They don't live in a foreign country, they live about two hours drive away in one of their two cars.

They mumbled something about coming up in August, but then one weekend their daughter (who lives in the same city) required a babysitter so they cancelled. They are on hand to babysit there all the time, and do from what I can tell. Nephew is 6 months old. DS is 10.

Then they said they would be up last weekend. Then nothing more was said. DP now has an interview at the end of the month as we want to return to Bristol (where they live). He rang her today and asked if a) they might come up this weekend and B) if we could stay there for the night of his interview. No, they won't be coming up, and they are going on their 2nd holiday at the time of interview.

This really has got my blood boiling again. She never even phones to see how DS is. Has no idea about how he is getting along. How can she be so blase about missing the entire first year of his life?

I wanted to send a text, kind of along the lines of 'I really don't want to fall out with you and I know you are busy with H (other grandson). But you have another beautiful grandson up here who would love to see his Granny. You can't get this precious baby time back and he is growing up so quickly. Your son is too loyal to you to question you, he loves you both very much and wishes you could see B more.'

So what do you think? Shall I get down off my high horse and leave well alone? Or do you think my point should be made? Can anyone out there calm me down and make me reasonable .

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kelli22 · 05/09/2005 16:56

ooh its a hard one, what does your dh say about it?

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Branster · 05/09/2005 17:00

I'd say leave them to it. Their loss!
Keep calm and bite your tongue. You know how these MILs can misinterpret everything DILs say and make a mountain out of nothing.
If you feel like telling someone, mention it to your DH, he might agree with you or he might have not noticed. In either case, don't go on about it too much in front of DH because they are after all his parents.
My perception is (but I might be totally wrong!) that mothers are closer to their daughter's families than their son's families.

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Springchicken · 05/09/2005 17:01

Aside of their relationship with your DS, Why can't you stay there even thbough they are on holiday? Surely you could stay there just for one night.

As far as your DS goes, i don't know what the answer is. If a set of grandparents were acting that way toward my DD i would be absolutely livid. I myself had a set of grandparents that were only interested when it suited them, my grandad is now dead and i am glad (he was a waste of valuable space and air), My nan is pretty much on a par with him but she is still with us.
I honestly don't know what the right answer is.

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Enid · 05/09/2005 17:02

sorry no time to reply properly but if it makes you feel better my own parents are like this with me - they have seen dd2 twice in her life (she is nearly 3). I have given up x e

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Flossam · 05/09/2005 17:02

It's just I've tried the leaving it and nothing gets any better. DP says only that it will probably just make things worse. Ture, but what can be worse than them just not bothering with DS?

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Freckle · 05/09/2005 17:03

I suspect that saying something will only cause a frosty atmosphere. I have 3 beautiful boys; my SIL has one daughter the same age as DS3. MIL has never had any of the boys to her for even one day, let alone overnight, yet takes g/daughter swimming once a week, often has her for a day during holidays and to stay overnight at weekends. MIL lives 3 miles away. I have bent over backwards to involve her in our lives, to keep her up-to-date with what is happening with each of the boys, their achievements, etc. She always seems pleased to hear about things, yet never initiates contact to ask after them. I have made a few cryptic comments, which I'm sure she understands, but she just gets touchy about it. If I were to approach her directly, she would probably have even less contact with us than she does now.

I would suggest that, if you really want to say something, you get your dh to say it as she is less likely to object to it coming from him.

I do know how you feel though, as this is the woman who, when told I was pregnant with DS1, almost cried because she thought she was never going to have grandchildren at all and has then proceeded to all but ignore them now for over 11 years.

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SenoraPostrophe · 05/09/2005 17:03

is your dp's sister married by any chance?

not that it matters, but could be the root of the favouritism. It could also be that she asks for babysitters all the time - sounds like your dp doesn't.

but anyway i personally would not send that text. if there is an underlying cause for this it might make it worse.

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meggymoo · 05/09/2005 17:03

Message withdrawn

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noddyholder · 05/09/2005 17:04

I am in the same situation My ds is 11 and they have played no part in his life apart from sending/giving ott expensive gifts They have not seen him since Xmas I find it heartbreaking when i look at him but dp says he has such a great life and he can't miss what he hasn't had.Still hurts though i completely understand x

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SherlockLGJ · 05/09/2005 17:06

I wouldn't send a text, I might buy a card, but I would not send it without your DH's approval.


I would leave well enough alone for the time being and if he doesn't get thejob you should think about sending some thing along the lines of how sad you are that you wont be moving closer, that DS is growing like a weed etc., If you move and their attitude does not improve I would send a modified version of it.

They are entitled to go on as many holidays as they wish, can DH not ask them to leave a key with someone and use it as a base, or if it is the family home surely he still has a key.??



Revise your Message

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meggymoo · 05/09/2005 17:06

Message withdrawn

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starshaker · 05/09/2005 17:07

can i have ur pil mine bug me all the time

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charliecat · 05/09/2005 17:07

Would pretending to emigrate make her see sense? cunningly talk about leaving the country, it might make them wake up a bit.

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binkie · 05/09/2005 17:08

I think you should contact her yourself, it is a good idea. (Have you done that before at all?) But: I would write, a card; not do it by text. And I would just say the positive, inviting stuff - the "your beautiful grandson would love to see you, and so would I, and we would love it if you came, any time" bit. I feel the rest might put her on the defensive, which mightn't be helpful - after all, what you want (I think) is for a bridge to be built, and not just a point to be made?

I would defy anyone to feel melted by a card like that, and if she isn't, well, there's your answer, sadly.

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Flossam · 05/09/2005 17:12

They wouldn't let us stay there that I'm sure of. I think I'm bitter about the hols because I think they should be trying to spend some of their spare time to try and see us. There is also the fact that they brought everything for their DD and baby and nothing for us. She says they are skint. They have a five bedroomed house with no mortgage, FIL is very high up in the police. She is an agency nurse. She keeps all her money to herself.

I don't think she likes me, no. Without much reason. She dosen't really like anyone IMO. Very negative lady.

Their DD is not married, quite the opposite, pregnant and 19 with a new boyrfriend, having had a termination the year before. They were of the opinion though that I should have DS aborted, made it very clear, untill he arrived when they seemed to fall in love.

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Flossam · 05/09/2005 17:13

Binkie, LGJ, I do like the card idea. I've just brought a card making kit, about to do one for my mum, will see how I get on (second thoughts with my co-ordination will be better to buy one!)

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Enid · 05/09/2005 17:13

dd1 asked me if they had died the other day

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Kittypickle · 05/09/2005 17:19

My MIL is completely uninterested in my two children. She's got older grandchildren and is clearly fed up with the whole business. They do live in Spain not up the road though. I've had nearly 7 years to accept that they are not interested and have found that there is no point pushing the issue. As far as I'm concerned it's their loss and I feel completely vindicated from feeling any obligation to visit them in Spain, after they came to England for a shopping trip in the summer and I didn't even know about it. My MIL is helpful on a practical basis though. I remind DD that it's important to put sunscream on so you don't end up wrinkly like Nanny.

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MeerkatsUnite · 05/09/2005 17:22

Flossam,

Do not send a text message - such things are not at all suitable for what you want to convey in a message. A card with an enclosed letter (signed by you both)is a better way forward in my view.

What's your partners reaction to all this, I see no mention of how he feels about this situation. He may also be reluctant to pursue this further but feel he should try anyway.

I can only suggest you both put on a united front with regards to them so you know where you stand. I would also suggest that your partner speaks to his parents re little to no contact with DS and see if his approaches towards them will help at all.

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Freckle · 05/09/2005 17:22

I've come to terms with the situation. SIL told me years ago that her mum wasn't a "mum" mum, unlike mine, and I think she's proven that. If she wasn't terribly interested in her own children, she's not going to change for grandchildren.

It's her loss as they are wonderful boys and she's missing so much. It was DS1's first day at secondary school today. As soon as he got in, he asked if he could call my parents to tell them about it. He hasn't even mentioned MIL.

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stitch · 05/09/2005 17:23

just leave it floss. they lose out on the kid, but they stress you. they are obviously not worth your emotions. leave it. if they never see him, then it is your dp who needs to be concerned. not you.

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vickitiredmum · 05/09/2005 17:25

Agree with binkie maybe include some cute photos etc. There is no point in broadsiding her with a narky text. It will not have any positive effect (only maybe might make you feel better for a brief moment) Alot of PILs like to have the family run around them - thats just the way they are. My MIL, although we get on really well otherwise NEVER visits, uses her age/illness/fragility as an excuse when pressed by DP even though she regularly visits the area where we live (we live 9 miles away and she comes to our local town centre) for her dancing lessons she teaches 3 times a week. It dont bother me much except for when we get the prod about "we havent seen you for ages" which is the cue to drag our kids in the car and go over there. Would definitely get your DH to ask if he can use the house while they are away - cant hurt to ask - they can only say no - and if they get the hump and dont speak to you again - you've not really lost anything have you.

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mumtosomeone · 05/09/2005 17:28

My in laws live 10 mins away and very rarely come to see us!
They expect us to trail to theres with 5 children..then make comments about us being there. If we dont call in on a sunday DH gets a text..'just wondered if you were calling in'
It really gets to me!!

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charliecat · 05/09/2005 17:33

My mum tells me in front of my kids that shes been playing chess and stuff with the kids she baby sits for. She doesnt play chess with my two and their faces Its bloody awful and im just about to explode at her, give me another few days.

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Kelly1978 · 05/09/2005 17:36

Hi,
def send the piccies,t ehn that gives you a good reason to eb sendign a card in the first place. TBH I think your original message, shows that you are deepy upset by it all and tryign to hide that. Can't you keep it a bit more casual? Suggest meetign half way?

My parents do care, but they only make it to mine 3/4 times a year, (also abt 200 miles) and my ds's family till hven't seen the dts (now 5 mnths) and they only live about 30 miles away, so I know how it feels!

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