I need some well reasoned, calm reponses to my 'Would you say this?'

[Flossam]

Ok, I've blithered on about it before. I'm sorry. I even thought I'd worked it out in my own mind and I didn't care anymore. But I do. PIL have now only seen DS for about 5 hrs in total since he was 4 weeks old. They don't live in a foreign country, they live about two hours drive away in one of their two cars.

They mumbled something about coming up in August, but then one weekend their daughter (who lives in the same city) required a babysitter so they cancelled. They are on hand to babysit there all the time, and do from what I can tell. Nephew is 6 months old. DS is 10.

Then they said they would be up last weekend. Then nothing more was said. DP now has an interview at the end of the month as we want to return to Bristol (where they live). He rang her today and asked if a) they might come up this weekend and B) if we could stay there for the night of his interview. No, they won't be coming up, and they are going on their 2nd holiday at the time of interview.

This really has got my blood boiling again. She never even phones to see how DS is. Has no idea about how he is getting along. How can she be so blase about missing the entire first year of his life?

I wanted to send a text, kind of along the lines of 'I really don't want to fall out with you and I know you are busy with H (other grandson). But you have another beautiful grandson up here who would love to see his Granny. You can't get this precious baby time back and he is growing up so quickly. Your son is too loyal to you to question you, he loves you both very much and wishes you could see B more.'

So what do you think? Shall I get down off my high horse and leave well alone? Or do you think my point should be made? Can anyone out there calm me down and make me reasonable .

[Flossam]

Can't sleep. DS is still sound and I really should be making the most of the sleep but this whole thing is going round and round in my head. I mean, 5 hours in 9 months, whilst we were moving house, so hardly quality time, is just crazy isn't it? They said a while a go they would come up for DS's 1st birthday. I'm tempted to say to DP not to mention it again and see if they even remember. He won't do that though. How can he be so much calmer and more reasoned about it than me? And why can't I stop harping on about it even though I'm probably making his hurt worse? I feel like if we could say, right we won't bother with them anymore, I could get over it a bit. But thats completely selfish and not what DP would want and an over-reaction. Another thing I can't get over is that DP alone is welcome to go and stay for weekends (has been 4 times since DS born) but only if he goes alone. And he is happy to stay there. IMO he should be saying 'Only if we are all welcome', i e backing up his family. The thing is, it fits in well with his plans for a boozy lads weekend.

[noddyholder]

flossam I am up with a similar thing My ds is going to secondary school today and they didn't even ring to wish him well I understand your feelings fully I have decided that if/when my parents get in touch I am going to say my bit but won't make a special call to do it IYKWIM

[Flossam]

Ah, NH. Poor DS. I hope he has a lovely day.

[noddyholder]

Thanks Flossam I think your dp should definitely help you deal with this It is so hurtful but some people simply don't think about children and family in the same as others Mt dp is trying to drill this into me and I think it is finally sinking in You cannot force others to behave as you would like They will miss out in the end though

[WideWebWitch]

Floss, haven't read the thread but you can't change your ils so leave it, it's pointless feeling offended on your ds's behalf, a waste of your energy, really. I know it's annoying but I wouldn't say anything to them. My dp's parents only dragged themselves (only mil actually now I think about it) to see dd, their only granddaughter, something like 2/3 weeks after she was born and I was offended for 5 mins and then decided it didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Dp's parents are in Devon so same distance as your dp's from you roughly. Could it be that they don't like going to London? Just a thought, some people don't. And the other thing is your dp's issue about wanting to go out with mates and drink rather than have a family weekend, try not to confuse the 2, they're not the same thing are they?

[WideWebWitch]

Oh actually now I've re read this ams post from you, I'd be v pissed off at the only dp alone being welcome in their house. Are you SURE? If so, you really need to have this out with dp, it's his issue to sort out with his parents imo.

[Flossam]

Well WWW, whenever the three of us have tried to go down, there has always been a reason not to. Whenever DP goes down and he makes it clear alone, there is never any reason not to. Also she told BIL that having all of us there would mean so much washing for her.

How are you BTW? Have you started the job yet?

[philippat]

(this is going to come out sounding rude, but not meant that way, promise!)

you're quite blunt about the fact that you don't like her, so let's face it, there's a fair chance she doesn't particularly like you either... don't take it personally, it's just that your personalities don't mesh.

Is it that which bothers you the most or the fact that ds is missing out? If the latter, how about dp and ds visiting them without you?

[meggymoo]

Message withdrawn

[philippat]

but meggymoo, in your friend's case, what on earth was her dp doing to let that happen?
You just can't guilt someone into spending time with someone they don't get on with, it's never going to work out well.

[Flossam]

Phillipat, I expressly said to DP last night, did he think it would make any difference if you told her I will be at work all weekend (two long days) this weekend and wouldn't be around to see them. At least that way DS would see them. He swears blind it has nothing to do with me, he thinks they are just too wrapped up in themselves.

As I said before, they didn't like that I was pregnant and therefore didn't like me. I remember being really upset that DP said if they didn't come round to the baby he would take my baby once he was a few weeks old to see them on his own on the train. That really upset me. I do think that we should be seen as a family unit, I would like nothing more than for everyone to get on. When we meet we can chat fine. It's just that we don't meet and I get resentful of the fact that she shows little interest in either her son or her grandson.

[ninah]

I don't think you can force the issue and 'make' relatives more keen to make an effort. They do some good things, helped you move? negative feelings towards them are less likely to make they want to spend time. They are probably worried about their daughter and feels she doesn't have the stability in her life that you two do. I think you have to care less about how little the grandparents do, and continue being happy within your own family unit. I do know how it feels, though.

[philippat]

so do you think dp recognises the problem (volunteering to take ds on train) but doesn't want to upset you about it?

[Flossam]

No phillipat because that was over a year ago before DS was born. It was if they didn't come to visit us after DS was born, which they did straight away.

Yes Ninah, they did help us move. They did a very good job, but we were hoping they would come for the weekend, to spend some time with DS. But they nearly had nowhere to stay, had to stay quite a way away in the end due to not booking anywhere, and left ASAP. So we felt like it was done begrudgingly, if that makes any sense at all.

[philippat]

sounds like you are really cross. do you think ranting here rather than at them/dp will help get it out of your system?

[Flossam]

I know Phillipat. I'm quite ashamed of how I'm feeling and just seem to go round in an ever lasting circle of, 'sod em' 'they still haven't come up to see DS' 'why don't they ever phone''why do they always rejuect Dp's attempts to meet up'.

I'm sorry for ranting, I just can't seem to resovle this in my head atm. Am seeing a friend later today, god I bet you're all glad your not her!

[ninah]

what I mean is they prob pick up on the fact you feel it's begrudging, and then you are ALL resentful
if you care less, you might get on better, paradoxically

[Flossam]

But since they helped us move 3 months ago I haven't really worried about it. Honestly. It's only been in the past few weeks when they've made suggestions that they will come up and then back out of it, or, basically, unless questioned, just don't mention it again.

[milward]

I'd leave it flossom - it's their loss. Get on with everything yourself. One day - possibily your mil will realise what's she's missing. I'd let them see how happy you are and how wonderful your ds is without them.
My mother doesn't care about her grandchildren - doesn't talk to me and just sends them birthday & xmas presents - never asks me what they would like just gets what she thinks would be suitable. I get on with things without her - it's her loss and that's the way she wants it.

[philippat]

ranting is exceptionally important particularly if you just can't get to a solution at the minute

[noddyholder]

I really empathise as I am in a similar boat and have really let it get to me this time I am going to try and do what every one else suggests including dp and enjoy my own lovely family without my mum Like someone else said you can't force people to behave in a certain way if they are not thar type Flossam my neighbour just popped round for a coffee and to chat about our boys starting secondary today Bet she wished she hadn't bothered too!Enjoy your time with your friend and rant a bit thats what friends are for!

[nooka]

I think that the relationship between mil and dil is always really hard. Especially when the mother feels that their child has made a bad decision in their choice of partner. You need to decide what's important. Is it that your ds has a relationship with his grandparents? In which case I don't think it is a problem if your dh and ds go and visit on occasion. I frequently visit my parents with the children and without my dh, and know many people who do this. I don't think it affects the family unit, and dh still gets invited to the occasional family do (which he usually tries to avoid). My mother does not get on with dh and vice versa, and I feel that it is much better to put as little stress on that relationship as possible. If you are more concerned that your in laws disapprove of you or dislike you, then to be honest there is little or nothing that you can do about it. Over time things may change, but you can't force their friendship or approval, and if you try it will probably make things worse. The other thing to note is that some grandparents find it quite a difficult role - I know my mother was terrible first time around (my elder sister and brother had kids ten years before my younger sister and me). She only really bonds well with boys, and my father only relates to older children. That's just how they are, and I have to accept it (I don't have to like it, but I can't change it). With your SIL, is it possible that they feel they have no choice but to help, rather than they positively want to?

I do agree it is really hard to work through - are you really sure you want to move closer to them?

[Flossam]

We want to be there because it's home. Not because they are there. TBH, this is casting a shadow over the hope of getting back there IYSWIM. If things continue as they are then we will all feel it even more so when they are close at hand.

[vickitiredmum]

Yep - as i said before - its gotta be a case of developing a thick skin and focusing on your own family unit.

There could be numerous possibilities and reasons why they dont turn up or make the effort. It might be down to not liking you etc or it could be something totally different. They could well have different priorities and just dont think or realise how that affects everyone around them. Some people like the comfort of their own home etc etc. You will probably never know.

Ultimately, if its very important to you that your LO's have a good relationship with the PILs then it will have to be you that makes all the effort (can your family not stay at a B & B close by maybe if going to visit? A family of 4 is quite a lot to house for a weekend if you are not used to it). Send regular letters/photos etc. Keep on inviting them up even if they never take up your offer. Maybe after a while that will improve things, or maybe your MIL will take it for granted more that you will always be the instigator of family gatherings.

But you dont have to listen to me - you just rant away hun! It'll make you feel tons better! Chin up lady

[Flossam]

Thanks Vtm. RE the staying in a hotel thing, we booked rooms in a guest house near by when we were supposed to be going down one time. She said no, we should go and stay with them. I cancelled the booking, next day she cancelled.