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Relationships

I need some well reasoned, calm reponses to my 'Would you say this?'

76 replies

Flossam · 05/09/2005 16:52

Ok, I've blithered on about it before. I'm sorry. I even thought I'd worked it out in my own mind and I didn't care anymore. But I do. PIL have now only seen DS for about 5 hrs in total since he was 4 weeks old. They don't live in a foreign country, they live about two hours drive away in one of their two cars.

They mumbled something about coming up in August, but then one weekend their daughter (who lives in the same city) required a babysitter so they cancelled. They are on hand to babysit there all the time, and do from what I can tell. Nephew is 6 months old. DS is 10.

Then they said they would be up last weekend. Then nothing more was said. DP now has an interview at the end of the month as we want to return to Bristol (where they live). He rang her today and asked if a) they might come up this weekend and B) if we could stay there for the night of his interview. No, they won't be coming up, and they are going on their 2nd holiday at the time of interview.

This really has got my blood boiling again. She never even phones to see how DS is. Has no idea about how he is getting along. How can she be so blase about missing the entire first year of his life?

I wanted to send a text, kind of along the lines of 'I really don't want to fall out with you and I know you are busy with H (other grandson). But you have another beautiful grandson up here who would love to see his Granny. You can't get this precious baby time back and he is growing up so quickly. Your son is too loyal to you to question you, he loves you both very much and wishes you could see B more.'

So what do you think? Shall I get down off my high horse and leave well alone? Or do you think my point should be made? Can anyone out there calm me down and make me reasonable .

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Flossam · 05/09/2005 17:37

The whole thing does bother him yes. He can't understand why they don't want to see DS. He has said he will say something, like he does everytime. The last time they saw DS was when they helped us move, they nearly couldn't come as didn't bother to try and book a hotel till the day before. They came over at about 10 and left at about 3. I tried to tell her that the most use she would be is to spend some time with DS but she insisted I did it and helped move stuff instead.

A couple of other times we have made plans to go down there and then they've told us we can't, once after I'd already brought the ticket, which was money we can barely afford to loose.

If the interview goes well, we will need to ask if DP can stay with them for a month while the let runs out here and we try to relocate. Every part of me knows that it would be completely unreasonable for them to refuse their son (we won't be staying) to stay, but I have an inkling that they will.

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noddyholder · 05/09/2005 17:39

charliecat my mum says things like that about nieces in ireland thats she took them to the amusement park when she was there!It is heart breaking

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Flossam · 05/09/2005 17:39

So many grandparents don't seem to care do they? So . There are all those lonely people who would love to have the chance to be a grandparent as well who won't. The world isn't fair.

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Caligula · 05/09/2005 17:47

I wouldn't say it, Floss.

I agree with whoever said that in general, mother's are closer to their daughter's families - it just seems to be the way it is. And with the geographical closeness of your SIL as well, that's going to exacerbate an in-built propensity anyway.

Why does it bother you so much? Is your family quite far away as well? Do you feel your DS is missing out on grandparents?

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Enid · 05/09/2005 17:48

I wouldnt send the message.

but I would invite her to see him and then take it up with her when she refuses.

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charliecat · 05/09/2005 17:53

Its unbelievable how insensitive and unthoughtful some folk can be, they MUST at some point realise they are doing it?

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Flossam · 05/09/2005 18:09

I don't know why it bothers me Caligula! I know reasonably that it shouldn't. I just want DS to think and know that everyone loves and adores him as he is. Fluffy I know. I suspect that possibly this is stuff to do with my own absent father. My parents are far away too, but we try to see them every month or two successfully.

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Kittypickle · 05/09/2005 18:11

It doesn't help your situation Flossam, but your remark about so many lonely people in the world and grandparents who don't care is something that has ended up applying to us. 3 years ago we moved to this house and our neighbours are a lovely couple in their 70s who will not be having grandchildren by the looks of it. This has been brilliant, they are surrogate grandparents to my two, so much better than my PILs. They take the time to talk to them and enjoy watching them play, show DD fairy rings in their garden and let them play under the sprinkler, bought them a little pair of binoculars to take on holiday etc. There have been so many times in the past that I've been tempted to force the issue with my PILs but I'm glad I haven't. So now I do feel as if they have two sets of grandparents - my parents and my neighbours.

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Trifle · 05/09/2005 18:17

Interesting to see that your angst is directed mainly at your MIL as opposed to your FIL ("she never phones.....how can she be so blase... would love to see his granny.... etc"). Is it because we perceive that women should be maternal and therefore her lack of interest seems unnatural. If they didnt have another grandchild would you be so annoyed or is the annoyance mainly because they do have one they spend time with and yours that they dont. I never quite understand this perception that grandparents should be obliged to spend time with their grandchildren. I wouldnt waste any effort, time or breath on trying to establish a relationship nor assume that any babysitting services will be offered should you move nearer then you wont feel let down when it is denied.

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Flossam · 05/09/2005 18:57

Trifle you raise some interesting points. I think it was because she was so over the top about it all when DS was first born, bursting into the room, bursting into tears, calling frequently etc etc. Then, nothing. It would be fair to say I don't like her. But I know I have never given her any indication for her to think that. It is acknowledged by all that she is a difficult lady. His father is more in the background than her.

We wouldn't assume any babysitting duties if we move back there. Thats not what I am worried about. I just want them to know DS and for him not to be hurt like some of the children are on here when one grandchild is so obviously favoured. It would break my heart. The reason the babysitting was mentioned at all was because she cancelled a trip to us to stay and babysit in Bristol. I understand as well as any mum how hard it is and important it is to get out, but she goes out a lot. Much more than I have ever been able to. I justified it as she is such a young mum, but Dp and I are still under 25 (just!) so hardly old. Just seems to smack a bit when she hasn't seen DS for 4 months. Just an excuse too IMO.

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Tortington · 05/09/2005 19:09

i think if members of your own family cant be arsed then bollocks to them - sorry flossam its as reasonable as i can get.

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Gobbledigook · 05/09/2005 19:11

Custy - I saw you'd posted and thought 'ahhh, custy will have some wise words' - PMSL when I read your post!! Not that they are not wise though!

Everyone has posted sensible and tactful suggestions. Pesonally I'd give it to her all guns!!

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Flossam · 05/09/2005 19:12

Don't apologise Custy. I'd love to be able to feel that way but generally I just can't.

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Mum2girls · 05/09/2005 19:15

The reason you can't Flossam is because it's a bit like someone insulting your child - a perfectly natural response.

It's definitely their loss.

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MrsSpoon · 05/09/2005 19:25

This reply has been deleted

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MrsSpoon · 05/09/2005 19:27

Should just add that when DS2 was born, the first time she saw him I had him in my arms, offered him to her and she refused to take him.

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Tortington · 05/09/2005 19:29

my mil is the same - she has her favourite son - which doesnt bother my dh as hes lived with it all his life so her fav grandkids are BIL s kids.

they got pressies mine didnt, they babysat for them, never for me in fact the words " you made your bed......" when we were first married with young son wanting a much needed night out.

she even told me " we are leaving outr house to xxxxx ( youngest grnadchild of BIL)...why tell me this....no really why would you want to tell the mother of your other granchildren that you do not value them as highly?

then my mothers a loon. she wont send birthday or xmas cards, she wont phone
none of them phone


it drove me crazy for years. i used to live on same street as mil and BIL and saw daily the preferential treatment. it drove me nuts - it contributed directly to my decision to move 300 miles away. directly.

whilst dh's aunty and uncle travelled up from hastings for the holy communion of my twins my mil who lived on the same street as us - didn't even bother.
they came to the food munching bit at my house after with " well it was only going to me more god bothering ha ha ha" kinda talk


really you have to set your mind to the "f*ck 'em" switch or you will go stark raving mad.

it took me ages to get over - no i lie i still cant get over why grandparents cant love my kids - my kids are the best in the world - no they are their better than air - why dont they love my children?

see it draives you mad - but its a realisation that you just have to c ome to - that other people - other family members do not have to love your children.


them remember the power they are weilding over you as your parents or the parents of your partner and look at how old you are.....then remember the power of a parent is infinate and stretches accross age. then store this up and remember never ever to weild your power aa parent of an adult child.


.........wheres that swi..? ...oh found it CLICK

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MrsSpoon · 05/09/2005 19:30

custardo, you've just reminded me about her Will, her children are in and out of it as they wind blows, would hate to be her solicitor!

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Tortington · 05/09/2005 19:47

dya know whays funny in an ironic way they are saying they bought up really horrible money grabbing children who they then can manipulate with " ive got money in the bank be mice to me " card

well feck than n all. i dont want anyones money

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hunkermunker · 05/09/2005 19:50

Flossam, wouldn't send it, personally. It's up to DP to get them to pay more attention, not you. Perhaps if you do talk to them and they are offhand about spending time with him, you could say, "Oh, that's a shame - he'll be a teenager before you see him again at this rate" in a lighthearted but with spiky glass undertones manner.

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hunkermunker · 05/09/2005 19:51

Custy...sorry sorry sorry, but pmsl at be mice to me

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MrsSpoon · 05/09/2005 20:47

She can stick her money where the sun don't shine as far as DH and I are concerned!

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vickitiredmum · 05/09/2005 23:05

It really saddens me to read all of this. I can only begin to imagine how you all must feel (I feel like my hearts being ripped in two when i see my entire family favour my DD over my DS).

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hellsbells4 · 05/09/2005 23:59

My PIL are like this too. My parents are in Australia but they are far 'closer' to our children than dh's who live an hour away. They used to host a big family Christmas until the year dh and his brother and sister all had babies, then they started going away for Christmas! They send nice pressies and money for birthdays but just don't connect emotionally with the children - and when they visit they tend to come when the children are at school. Ds and dd get quite upset about that. It doesn't bother dh cos he is used to their offhand manner - he thinks my parents are unusually close. One of the worst moments in my life was when FIL said he felt no affection for any of his 6 grandchildren and it wouldn't bother him if he never saw them again!! . That hurt me badly for years - but when I told SIL she just laughed and said it was typical of what he says but he DOES care about them. Now that ds is nearly 18 FIL even talks to him sometimes!

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ThePrisoner · 06/09/2005 01:34

I could moan about my MIL for England, although she has apologised for being a horrid MIL to me when dds were little.

However, for all their faults, my PIL absolutely dote on their grandchildren. We used to live close to them, and they were deeply upset when we moved (dh's job) when dds were toddlers.

Toddlers are now fully-fledged young adults and have a super relationship with PIL, and now take themselves off to visit without me and dh.

It is so sad to read all these posts where relationships don't work, and I can't understand how families can be like this with their own flesh and blood.

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