Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling compelled to take in my MiL <gibber>

68 replies

popeonarope · 20/09/2010 20:23

I really need some views on this because I actually don't think I can cope without screaming.

I live in a family of four, two under fives. We are comfortably off and neither of us work full time thanks to savvy investing earlier on. We're not massively rich, just enough to live comfortably.

My SiL left her DH a few years ago and in order to fund continuing in a big house in the country said to MiL 'sell your house and I'll create a granny flat for you and you can live with me' - this was the only way SiL could afford to stay in the big house. MiL reluctantly agreed as SiL would have to move otherwise.

A few years later they moved to a slightly smaller (but stil very big) house to save money.

SiL had very infrequent specialist work which has now totally dried up and she is now unemployed with no income. MiL lives in granny flat attached to SiLs house.

SiL has announced to DH that she can no longer afford to stay in house and wishes to move but can't do so because of MiL heavily hinting that MiL being there is the reason she is not a success. Hmm

DH has talked to me about having MiL live over the road from us in a house we rent out. We had planned to rent this house out as a source of income for the next fifteen years and then sell it.

MiL has no idea this is all happening and would be horrified to know she has to move again. She'd do it if she had to and I know she'd love to be closer to the DC (only grandkids), but she would be a hundred miles from where she's been for a decade etc.; she's also quite elderly and may need care quite soon and it would probably fall to me to provide that care.

SiL will not take just any job either. She's expecting to walk into a new career (she's not young) and earn at least £30K - preferably without having to leave her house Hmm

I'm torn. I don't know whether to say we'll take her in (or even if she wants to come) or to say 'no you must deal with the consequences of your actions.'

Oh and there is money involved. MiL has sunk a lot of equity into the house and would need that back to buy somewhere else. Which SiL has not counted on - she thinks she can just shunt MiL our way (depriving us of the rental income), keep the money and spend it on her living costs for the next 30 odd years Angry.

I just don't know what to say or do. I want to support DH but I just keep want to yell 'she's a grown up, SHE needs to talk to your mother and sort this out and she should get a bloody job - any job - shelf stacking in Tesco if needs be, rather than turfing out a octogenarian who has done nothing but support her for years'. Angry

Sorry. It's a long post. Please feel sorry enough for me to answer or suggest anything I can do? :)

OP posts:
bratnav · 20/09/2010 20:29

I feel awful for you all (except SIL). What a nasty situation to be in. I would insist that SIL comes clean to MIL to see what her reaction is, if she's sensible she will want her money back plus a proportional share of any equity gained over time. I know you wouldn't see your MIL on the street or anything but i reLly think it falls to your SIL to sort the situation, that doesn't mean offloading MIL to a place that she probably won't want to be, can you even afford not to be renting out the property you have?

Dione · 20/09/2010 20:32

Your MIL is an adult and I think her children are doing her a great disservice by talking about this behind her back. She is not a child who need to have decisions made for her, nor is she a pet to be passed from one sibling to another. Your MIL and SIL need to sort this out between them, while you and your DP support your MIL throughout. I am so Angry on your MIL's behalf.

newwave · 20/09/2010 20:34

It is reasonable to help your mil BUT you MUST tell your sil that you expect your mil to get her share of the equity from the slae of the house OR pay back all she put into the first house from the sale of her house.

There is no reason your mil should not pay at least some rent using the equity

DO NOT except anything less or your will end up resenting your mil and possibly hating your sil, it will also cause divisions with your DH.

You have the upper hand nothing can happen without your say so.

fruitful · 20/09/2010 20:40

Well if your SIL sells the house she can repay your MIL her share, which your MIL could use to rent your house, should she choose to do so.

But I also think you should take a step back and let SIL discuss it with MIL. Just make sure your MIL knows that you would welcome her living near to you.

Original poster
popeonarope · 20/09/2010 20:41

I agree that MiL deserves to know all this and I have insisted that if they do not tell her I will. She's away on holiday at the minute but I want her to be told ASAP. They want to 'explore other options' (i.e. SiL actually still thinks the highly paid job fairy will be delivering soon Hmm) but I am going to send DH to go sort this out over the next few days.

I already sort of hate my SiL. :( She's just so ineffectual and thinks the world owes her a living.

I agree MiL could pay rent - probably not the same rent we'd get commercially though. And it's not insubstantial. We are talking about £15k a year - plus of course we'd probably have to do some conversion - put a bedroom downstairs etc, redo bathrooms because while she's quite mobile now - she probably won't be in five years.

No-one should feel unwanted like this though, it's horrible that she's going to feel like an inconvenience :( :(

OP posts:
Original poster
popeonarope · 20/09/2010 20:41

Oh and sorry I forgot to say thank you all for replying. It feels so good to be able to post this - I can't talk to anyone about it (other than DH) for obvious reasons at the minute

OP posts:
CarGirl · 20/09/2010 20:42

What Dione said.

newwave · 20/09/2010 20:47

Be nice for the kids to have Nan nearby though.

Original poster
popeonarope · 20/09/2010 20:53

Indeed it would. Though she's too potty to babysit when they are awake and she gets tired easily. She's a really lovely woman and although she irritates me sometimes I could live with her nearby (note nearby not in the house).

And I think, honestly, she'll be dead in five years and I would like the kids to get to know her first. :(

OP posts:
newwave · 20/09/2010 20:59

Pope, it would be very easy to succumb to emotional blackmail in this matter, it would be fair for your DH to look after his mum in her latter years but your SIL cannot be allowed to "steal" her money.

You are obviously not after the mil's money but it is only fair that you should be reimbursed for at least part of your financial lose.

As for you sil e mail her a job information pack from McDonalds :)

2rebecca · 20/09/2010 21:00

Why can't MIL go into sheltered housing and be independant with the money given to SIL?

ratspeaker · 20/09/2010 21:01

I bet your SIL hadnt even thought that your MIL would want her equity back. Would it be enough for MIL to buy her own wee bungalow?
Maybe MIL wont want to be at the mercy/whim/reliant on anybody in the family for a home, after being turfed out by SIL
and I bet SIL will change her tune if she had to sell up and downsize to give MIL money back

Original poster
popeonarope · 20/09/2010 21:11

MiL would not want to go into sheltered housing. She lives independently - she is getting slower and slightly confused but she functions well and can cope in her own home. She thinks sheltered housing is for 'old folk' Wink

If MiL was given back the original money invested this would not amount to all the money she has put into the two houses having conversions/buying new furniture etc. SiL sees the money as her/Dh's inheritance. Now to be fair it would be left to them jointly. But how can you inherit when someone isn't dead?

SiL cannot change her tune, she cannot afford to stay in the big house ratspeaker because she has no income whatsoever.

OP posts:
Dione · 20/09/2010 21:11

Your MIL may decide to move with SIL, move close you you and DH, move into sheltered housing, a retirement village in Spain, or take all the equity from the house and blow in on cruises, cocaine and toyboys. The thing is it's her decision and she will need time to make it. She will also need time to work out how much equity she wants from the house sale, so OP, you are totally right. If your DH doesn't tell her when she gets home, you need to.

Original poster
popeonarope · 20/09/2010 21:13

Thanks Dione. I feel really awful for her - each time she's had to upsticks and move it's taken so much out of her. :(

And it sort of feels that SiL is just waiting for her to shuffle off the mortal coil and out of her way :(

OP posts:
newwave · 20/09/2010 21:18

SiL cannot change her tune, she cannot afford to stay in the big house ratspeaker because she has no income whatsoever.

it seems to me that your SIL has no say in the matter, it needs your DH, MIL and SIL to sit down and discuss this with a line drawn in the sand with regard to what SIL wants/gets.

Bottom line the SIL/MIL house has to be sold as she can no longer afford it, hardly a strong bargaining position for her.

She sounds a bit manipulative tbh

GeekOfTheWeek · 20/09/2010 21:21

Your sil sounds dreadful.

This situation os her doing and she should be the one to sort it.

So so sad for your mil.

newwave · 20/09/2010 21:23

Just a thought and probably a bit mercenary but has your MIL made a will?

Original poster
popeonarope · 20/09/2010 21:45

Doubt it newwave. She'd trust everyone to do the right thing Hmm

OP posts:
2rebecca · 20/09/2010 21:46

Living in sheltered housing is surely more independant than living with your daughter. You have your own house, and usually a warden to rely on for help so you don't have to rely on your family.
I see it as a much more independant existence.

GeekOfTheWeek · 20/09/2010 21:46

So sil will be laughing all the way to the bank then Sad

Plumm · 20/09/2010 21:51

Is there something legal drawn up regarding the money MIL has put into SIL's house?

Original poster
popeonarope · 21/09/2010 09:50

Nope, no legal agreement :(

She has her own granny flat within the current house, separate front doors etc. 2rebecca. I too can see the benefit of sheltered housing but I don't think she'd go for it.

OP posts:
femalevictormeldrew · 21/09/2010 11:19

I have nothing to say to help you, but shame on your SIL for her part in all this

corygal · 21/09/2010 12:01

Oooh, I have to post to you pope - here this tale of my family that might help.

Nigh on the same thing happened to my very ancient aunt. She lived with her DS and DIL -her son died. Auntie used to own the house but gave it to them. DIL went on looking after her for years.

Eventually, DIL decided she wanted to keep the large and extremely nice house but didn't want MIL. Ring any bells?

DIL went to the other siblings and asked them to take Auntie.

They said, er, hang on a minute. MIL doesn't want to move. DIL persisted in her demands, but the siblings won out using these arguments:

  1. The house was partly owned by Auntie. Whoever had her money had to look after her - end of.
  1. DIL couldn't afford the house without Auntie (oh-so surprisingly, she didn't work). If DIL wanted to sell it, fine, but she had to repay Auntie properly ie with interest/inflation etc.
  1. The siblings offered financial help to DIL to compensate her for looking after Auntie - which is really only fair.

Auntie stayed put - and both sides felt they had done their duty.

Watch out for the will - yes, it's a big deal in these circumstances, partic if your SIL is keen on cash.