Thought we were getting back on track - then this!

[Irishchic]

DH and I have been going through some troubles this last couple years. Mostly the usual ups and downs with having a young family and busy lives etc. Our sex life suffered a bit, but lately, in the last couple of weeks I had tried to get things back on track in that department.

We have been getting on much better, and have had sex a few times in the last couple of weeks, and last weekend, I made a big effort, sexy undies, candles, some mild sex toys, to get us in the mood and it really really worked, and we had the best sex we had had in years, I was so pleased, and really hopeful that things were on the up.

Well...tonight we were meeting friends for dinner. We had a quickie yesterday morning and agreed that tonight after we got back from meeting this couple we would spend some more quality time in the bedroom, and we were both looking forward to this.

We were walking to the restaurant chatting, and I asked him to hold my hand, as we havent done this in ages when out. I just felt that we were close, and felt that i could do this. He did hold my hand for a few minutes but then pulled away and said that he would rather not, as he felt uncomfortable with this. (We live in a small town, and he is quite well known in the town as he owns a couple of businesses in the town) and he felt self conscious with this level of public display of affection.

I felt a bit upset about this, and pointed out that we were planning on having sex tonight, and yet he could not even hold my hand in public, (in the dark - 8pm) after 11 years of marriage and 5 kids, I felt that this was a bit, well, horrible to be honest. He replied that if it was something that he was uncomfortable doing then I should not make an issue of it.

But it is not as it I was asking him to snog me in public or anything like that, just to bloody holf my hand. I am really fucking upset about this and needless to say have lost any urge to make love to him tonight as i just feel that if he cannot even do this much for me, then how can I get in the mood for much more intimate stuff later on. I cannot just switch it on once the front door closes behind us. I felt gutted actually, I thought that we were moving on and getting on so much better, emotionally and physically, then this, and he is still making mne feel bad about it. When we got hom, he said that he was sorry that he had spoiled our night but that he justwas not comfortable with this and that I should not be making such a big deal about it.

AM i making a big deal here? Am I asking for too much? It is not as if he is a shy person, he is involved a lot in the local community and has not problems speaking in public. I dont know, just feel totally shit ]about it all now...

Hmmm... what a question! Very hard to put down in words and have sat re-writing this 5 times.
I guess that I'm hoping counselling will help us to reconnect (what a terrible word to use but it will suffice). I have no idea what DH wants out of life anymore - don't even know what to get him for birthday/christmas . Honestly it feels like we don't know each other anymore and that we've only stayed together because neither of us have had the guts to call it a day. I'd like for us to be able to talk to one another about things - he rarely tells me how he feels about anything other than work. Consequently, I feel as if I talk to much about everything and that he doesn't want to know (there are times when his eyes glaze over). Yet he will tell me, in minute detail no less, about some conversation he had with a work collegue. Also (another gripe) we both work in the same industry and know a lot of same people but its always been that he's higher up the ladder than me and so subsequently my work issues are trival compared to his (again glaze over of eyes).
Oh, just not having a good day and am feeling down. I usually try to be optimistic and see all the good things in people/life but last few days everything's been up the left.

BTW, he still hasn't read the fecking book despite my putting it on top of his current one two nights in a row .

Ifitsnotanarse - I have given up on the book thing, I tried to get his to read a couple of books, but I have now realised that he is never going to read these things until he wants to himself The books can still help n though I think, even if only one person reads them.

I know what you mean about the disconnection thing. It is upsetting, my dh is always thinkng about work stuff and is so detached from me at times that i feel we have forgotten how to really really talk to each other.

Having said all that, we celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary lst night, we went out to a lovely restaurant, he bought me a lovely bouquet of flowers and we had a nice evening, so, that kind of gives me hope, becasue I know that he really made an effort, and we did enjoy each others company, and that may not sound like much, but for us, given our recent history, it is progress, baby steps, but progress.

We are a work in progress and some days I wonder why I bother, and other days i feel like I still really really love him so it is just a case of ploughing on, keep reading my self help books, enjpy the good times and endure the bad times...not always easy.

I do wish you luck with the counselling and everything that follows. At least you are an optimistic sort of person and this will help you a lot, as negative outlook just makes everything worse.

Keep us posted things anyway. Take care

Dittany - I can see why you think he has a high opinion of himself, but in reality, he really doesnt. He has quite low self esteem and spends his life seeking approval from people, his parents, friends etc because he was never validated as a child, I can see that in his interactions with his parents and family.

Not excusing his bad habits such as striding ahead, not hand holding etc, in that area, he is just very self conscious and bloody immature to boot, but he has agreed that this is bad of him, and last night when out, we walked together, linked arms and it didnt feel awkward.

I have just posted the problems because there are problems, am not denying that. I do intend to read that book actually,as I have heard a lot about it and am curious now to read it for myself.

But in the interests of balance, my dh has always encouraged me to pursue a lifelong dream to write for a living, pays for us to have a 5 day week childminder/housekeeper to help me out at home and allow me to pursue this and other interest, is generous and faithful to me, and helps out members of my family with advice and money, and yes has been very thoughtless, and hurtful at times over the years, as I have also been to him, dont think that I havent given him crap too, as I can give as good as i get.

He probably is a bit controlling, if I am totally honest with myself, I am very controlling too, not proud of that but I am, and we have clashed becuase of this similarity.

We have problems, but as I said, I still love him, and want to work through these problems, I hope that we can, I intend to try anyway.

Thanks for your post though, good to hear all the advice that is out there.

I'll check it out thanks.

I dont feel i deserve to be treated badly, and that is why we argue so much, because i wont put up with the crap.

He knows when he has been a prick and will always say sorry, unlike me, i can be very judgemental and intolerant, and I hardly ever apologise because I am never wrong hate to lose face.

I dont feel like a victim, I feel quite strong actually, and he doesnt intimidate me at all.

But I will read all the stuff that people recommend to me because I believe that information is power and it is good to be self aware.

I am not perfect either, to admit that is not me putting myself down, but just being totally honest about what is going on in our marriage.

Also Dittany, can i ask if you are married with kids and what is your experience of that, am curious as you seem to have a lot of info/advice to give in this area?

Have to go now entertain the kids for the afternoon but will check back later and respond to that Dittany.

Hi Nikita09, glad to hear you had a lovely anniversary celebration - and flowers too . Definitely sounds like your DH is making an effort.
My DH has also been keeping up the effort - nearly had nookie this morning but disturbed by DS wanting to join up - I'd swear he he has some sort of radar-alert. But did get lots of cuddles from DH and intent was there, so not entirely wasted. (Also pretty good considering Bump squashing my bladder and causing untold leaking - and DH not too phased by possibility of my leaking on him - TMI I know ).

Dittany - without causing an argument I don't think Nikita09 has to justify why she loves her DH on this posting. People post on Mumsnet to vent frustration and to get support and sympathy - not to be interrogated! It might help if you sounded less forceful.

Ifitsnotanarse - Yes thanks it was actually really nice! Lol at your leaking scenario, a sense of humour in these things always helps!

I agree that Dittany's post feel a bit like an interrogation, although Dittany if you are still reading, I am glad you ask the questions, becuase it makes me have to think about it, and that's a good thing. I just feel though that you have already decided that my dh is a controlling man who is making me miserable, and that I am a passive victim, and I just dont see it like that at the moment, which you will interpret as denial but I can only tell you my truth as I live it.

That truth is that my dh and I have been going through some troubles for the last while. We still love each other enough to be going to counselling to try and make it work. Now, maybe my dh is controlling, i think he is to a certain extent, but I also am quite a controlling person too, so where does that leave us..? Two controlling people locked in a power struggle, one of whom is also deeply sensitive and completely unable to take criticism or say sorry (me). My dh is not abusing me, my self esteem is fine, (upbringing was good in that my parents made me believe I could achieve anything and were supportive). I just dont buy into this notion that I am some passive intimidated woman who is in deep denial about her oppression.

I will still read the books though, and learn from them. In the meantime though, its just good days, and then bad days, but mostly good days overall, and to ifitsnotanarse your positivity and humour has been really encouraging, so thanks

Hi Nikita09 how are things with you? Any better? Had session with counsellor and would like to have more. DH would most definitely not as she suggested that we need to discuss our family backgrounds in depth. He would rather not go there! But if we don't things will only go back to normal. Think he was shocked when I said that things had been wrong for last 8 years. But haven't broached the subject yet (I'm so chicken ). He's been quite attentive the past week and last night we slept in same room for first time in 6 wks as new matteress arrived. Bad night sleep as his snoring kept me awake but cuddle in morning made up for it and kiss as he left for work .

Hi there ifitsnotanarse good to hear from you and sounds like the counselling is helping. I am not suprised that you dh doesnt want to go in to family history, as I know that sort of stuff can be painful to rake over, but maybe just work it in gradually to the counselling sessions, one thing at a time, so that he doesnt have to delve into a lot of painful stuff all at once.

It is very encouraging that your dh is making extra efforts at home as well, as that is reassuring for you. I have found that too. My dh is really trying to help around the house more, do stuff with and for the kids, and eat breakfast every morning with us which he used to avoid before to skip off to work early and avoid the chaos of 5 kids at breakfast!

I have also looked long and hard at myself and have realised for the first time that I was not blameless in this scenario at all. That has not been easy, but I was being quite controlling with my dh as well as very negative a lot, and this has worn him down over time.

So we are both working on ourselves and I feel very hopeful for the future, i know there will be blips and setbacks but overall I think that we are getting there, and I feel happier than I have felt for a long time.

Thanks for checking back in and do keep me posted on your progress, its so good and helpful to be able to share this stuff with someone else who is going through the same thing.

Good Luck