social anthropology

[nandodo]

Do you think that people (perhaps unwittingly), tend to befriend people who they see either as their equal or superior, be it intellectually, socially, economically or aesthetically?
Do we have to gain something tangible from our friendships in order from them to work. Is it impossible not to patronise people who we believe are not as successful as ourselves. Just a few relationship questions i am mulling over atm. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

No, I don't think they necessarily do. I think very often it can work in the opposite way. I've been thinking a lot about this recently - mainly after observing a new mum who's moved to our area, and whose dd has started at my dc's school.

It's a state primary, with mixed backgrounds and a really friendly environment. I'd say all of us have spoken to her, and tried to make her welcome. However, there are probably two distinct social groups (who get on well with one another) and she's really gravitated towards one of them, to the exclusion of the other.

It got me wondering why this would happen so quickly, as she's barely had chance to get to know the rest of us. I came to the conclusion it's because she feels more socially comfortable in the other group. I think sometimes people tend to judge by appearances, clothes, car, accent/whatever, and decide they either fit or they don't. It's a shame really, as it's a bit narrow minded and I think it's nice to have a diverse group of people around me.

Hope this is in some way relevant to your thread and not my mindless ramblings!!

Very interesting fruit shoot. I am a great people watcher and very passive socially.ie i am open to and relish the idea of diversity and have clocked a divide in our group too. Because i move between groups it got me thinking about it. These groupings are very clear when a newbie turns up and it is fascinating to observe people settling in. So your post is a great response to my own mindless ramblings .Does anyone else have any anecdotes?

I think people seek validation from those they choose as friends - they select those who mirror themselves (or what they believe themselves to be) and those who reflect their aspirations. Outer signals such as clothes and language broadcast our preferred 'tribe' but the unnoticed ones are probably more influential. We're in constant motion - each tiny flexion tells others who we really are, as do our split-second pauses and changes in tone when we speak. Like you, I find this fascinating!

People automatically form tribes. If you listen, a high proportion of conversation is about "People like us" versus "Others (who aren't like us, and therefore not so worthwhile)" If you find yourself in a "People Like Us" conversation with someone you do not consider your tribe, don't you feel awkward?!

It's all pretty subtle and complex. My best friend for several years was a woman who, like me, had a successful career requiring great confidence and drive. We were both thin, fit, groomed, fashionable and fun. We were both trying to deal with the insecurities born out of damaged childhoods - which we were both frantically trying to deny. Our other close friends were not the people who looked & acted like us: they were people with slightly more visible disadvantages. We found women "like us" shallow and dull - without realising that, while outwardly similar, they lacked the crucial factor of 'issues'. In our poorer, more troubled, disabled & discriminated friends, we found mirrors for our own hidden pain.

The minute we identified this in ourselves, our friendship died.