I'm really hurting right now and I know it's all my own fault but please come and talk to me

[slamin]

I posted before about my unavailable friend that I was getting too close to, had some excellent advice that I knew was right and that I really really wanted to follow but I didn't. I let things develop further and I slept with him last week.

I think he was after a full on affair, has been telling me he misses me and can't stop thinking about me, sending me loving messages and generally acting like we were starting a relationship. I wasn't willing to enter into that but at the same time I wasn't ready to give him up so didn't tell him he couldn't be with me like that.

Last night he text me to say he missed me and was going to bed thinking of me and that we'd speak this morning. This morning I saw him and he mentioned that he was going to his girlfriend's graduation. It felt like a massive slap in the face. A big reminder that he has someone else that he is in love with and that he shares his life with. A big reminder that although he tells me he cares for me I am nothing.

I've now told him I can't do it anymore. That I hate myself for doing that to his girlfriend and that I deserve more. That I deserve to be number one to somebody.

I know this was the right thing to do and I should have done it before. But now I am hurting so much. It is going to be so difficult not having him in my life; I already miss him when I don't see him for a day or two. It's not just lust; he is a friend who is a big part of my life and who I really care about.

I know I deserve all this but I feel winded with pain right now

But he ISN"T your best friend. Your best friend doesn't lie and cheat on you. He does. He doesn't think enough of you to finish with his gf. It's not even a marriage, he can call it off and be with you if he really wants to . But he doesn't.

Please don't waste any more time making excuses for him.

Here's how it is. People are selfish, we all are. We all want what we want and we do our level best to get what we want. If this man really wanted you, really, deeply cared for you and could think of nothing else, do you really think he would deprive himself of that which makes him so happy? Really?

No one is that noble. He is playing you. Refuse.

Thank you

I do know all of that, it's why I didn't tell him he had to choose. At the time I felt like having some part of him was better than nothing.

Now I feel stupid, mostly for underestimating my own feelings and how much this would hurt me.

I am sorry that you are hurting. You don't need to be told that you did wrong etc but please try and feel glad that you are you and not his girlfriend. You have the chance to meet someone who will treat you as their number one priority and she may go on being deceived for years to come.

Has he ever discussed the possibility of leaving her?

I'm sure you care about him but he is obviously willing to enter into an affair with you. Is he really someone you want in your life? Does he really care about you or is he just trying to lure you in?

Oh I know it hurts, I learned that the hard way too. I thought I was going to die from the pain in my heart, it was so sore.

People said the usual, time heals, you will get over it, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger and so on. I couldn't have cared less. I wanted him.
(actually did get him and what a let down)

But it's true. Love isn't meant be be like this. Time will show you that.

Treat yourself and don't beat yourself up for falling for it. Many have before and many more will continue to.

awh - be kind to yourself - I've learnt the hard way too and it is bloody hard. Us humans are such imperfect creatures. It's easy to know what is right but more difficult sometimes to hold that close at our more fragile moments. Don't beat yourself up now but don't go there again with him - don't kid yourself you won't be tempted but really DON'T do it. It will just get worse. Nip it in the bud now and be very glad in the long run. Good luck.

I know he does care in some way, we have been friends for a long time without anything happening.

But you're right, it's better to be me than her. And I feel awful for doing that to her

He's never directly mentioned leaving her but has dropped a couple of hints. For example he was going to be buying some furniture for their house but soon after we first kissed he said he had decided not to buy it yet because he wasn't sure if he'd be there longterm. And when he was leaving here one day my children were telling him not to go and he said he had to, couldn't be helped at least not at the moment... And that he'd wake up with me one day etc...not promises but just enough to leave me with a tiny glimmer of hope. Stupid me.

I've just tried to eat lunch and I couldn't swallow. I know I need to eat something though.

How can something I knew was wrong and wasn't going anywhere cause me this much physical pain?

Thank you everyone for talking to me, it is helping.

Been obsessively checking my phone all day.

Managed a bit of toast and then was sick.

This is so shit

aaahhhh -- it is so shit isn't it? just try to stay strong. Don't text him. Don't email. Sit on your hands if needs be. Stay busy. Poor you. Go out with some friends. Have you told anyone in RL about this? If so moan and mope at them for a bit. It will get better. Just remember that. It really will.

It was actually lucky I did bump into him because I was supposed to be going to see my friend graduate but hadn't twigged it was the same graduation. Seeing them together would have been a lot lot worse.

Haven't told anyone locally, because I know I was in the wrong and I'm ashamed.

Have told two of my non local friends, one of them is going to call me soon. Hopefully talking will help.

I wish there was an off button to stop me wanting him

I know how you feel...I have been second or third best to bf for a while. He has work/kids which come above me and also likes his freedom (read freedom to shag other women, although I really believe he doesn't do this, but he wants to have the freedom to do it).

It's shit not being number one. But I have now come to terms with it. I have reduced contact and now just see him on my terms. I knew I couldn't cut off all contact but I know that one day I will meet someone else who will be the real deal.

I have been through hell for a long time, moping, drinking, being pathetic. But now I realise that I do want to see him, but he will never be mine. I either accept that or I don't. Love is a terrible thing sometimes..you know what is good for you but you keep going back for more punishment because you think it makes you happy. But actually it just makes you anxious.

Get busy...do something for someone. Cook food, help someone out, go to the gym (a great way to feel good about yourself and get some endorphins). Call family, call friends...don't talk about him. Allow yourself time to mope over sad music, then get on with your life.

You are not nothing to him...he obviously has feelings for you. But maybe not enough to ditch his girlfriend. People can feel for more than one person. You have to ask yourself whether you can deal with that.

Watch a funny movie, tickle your children, remember that there is more to life than a man. Am probably repeating advice given to me, but it has been so good. And you're putting him on a pedestal (I am guilty too)..he probably picks his nose, has smelly feet and eats dropped food off the floor :-) He's real, not a God...just keep remembering that and look for his faults. I feel your pain..

Thank you for the advice fizzfiend. How do you accept not coming first? I thought I could for a while but today really hit me hard that I can't cope with that. Is there another woman involved in your scenario or just that he wants the option?

I also feel so so guilty for doing that to his girlfriend (and for still wanting him despite that)

the slap in the face has brought you back to reality, that he is still with her.

I don't know how to make you feel better heartwise, but do know you are human, you craved something, and your heart ruled your head.

Doing a similar thing myself at the moment.

Just keep posting, there's an awful lot of very mixed up and saddened people on here at the moment.

That's it piratecat.

How are you coping?

slamin just DON'T accept not coming first. Really. Just Don't. As someone pointed out earlier - it's not even as though he is married (though a long term committed partner shouldn't need to be) - he is committed elsewhere and unless you want to feel REALLY shit about yourself as time goes on you need to stick to your guns and call a halt. regardless of his gf or anyone else. Purely selfishly it is what you need to do. Hate to say it but if he really was "that into you" as they say, he'd do something more than stringing you along as the OW about it

Hi Slamin,
it's taken me a couple of years to get my head round it...along with lots of wobbles and tears and heartbreak along the way.

But I now realise you cannot force someone to want you more, you cannot make them make you number one. So I took a conscious decision to accept that. I refused to stop seeing him because he's a wonderful, funny friend (and sex is amazing of course), but I have cut down on time with him so he does not preoccupy me.

I suspect it will take you a long time to accept this or not. You're still in the massively exciting period of attraction so you're not even seeing straight.

Have you asked him about his intentions towards his gf? Is he living with her? Don't feel bad for her tho...he was obviously not ever going to be faithful to her, maybe because she's not the right one for him or maybe because he's just one of those men..only you know that. At least he isn't married with kids.

I guess me and my bf are now "friends with benefits." Works for me right now, but like I said, it's taken a long time to get here.

He is living with her, they haven't been together that long but moved in together after only a few weeks. They both have children but not together, hers live with them and his spend half the week there. (yes I know, big warning signs there)

I don't want to be second best, today has proven to me I can't accept that.

I am mostly grieving for the loss of our friendship, I don't think we can go back to that now. If it was a case of 'oh whoops we shagged that's a bit awkward' then we could but it feels very different to that.

And I hate that one hug from him would make the world feel right again

you have been royally played < shrugs >

perhaps it's for the best really...or did you mean to play a large part in splitting up a family ?

a family (read children) who it sounds like have already been through the mill with relationship break-ups

let's hope he saves his "hugs" for his partner and the children for whose happiness they are jointly responsible...

Well, mine is married, made a big play for me.

I got flattered, although to begin with i was shocked,as i had no idea he liked me like that.

I find it very hard to see thru it. Wood and trees. I find it just messes with my head. Sometimes ifeel really angry with him with me.
I havent slept with him, whats even more ridiculous ( ie how can i feel like this) is that we kissed once, about 2 months ago.
Both confused by it.
I have ended the contact many times. I think it will just come to it's own conclusion. I belive time is the thing. He won't leave his family, and tbh I don't want him to. It's prob lust mixed with me being lonely, and him being erm a bit lonely too.

I am glad ididn't ever sleep with him, but now he's said he won't leave, and i stopped contact. Well recently i have been craving that desire thing, and thought the other day, sod it i want to know what it will be like/

I convinced myself this would be cool, that I'd cope. Yet as much as i wnat to, I know we can't. He's not exactly beating the door down either as he knows it's not fair and not right.

We have a connection, that will never be realised. It feels unfiar, sad and it makes me crazy. Yet i just pray I will get over it.

Mostly i feel like there's unfinsihed business, or even unstarted!!

pc...please don't ever sleep with him

I can tell from a few words on a screen that it would hurt you immeasurably

this thread should help your resolve

Ouch AF, though I know it's deserved.

And yes I do think it is for the best, but that doesn't stop me from hurting.

Piratecat sounds tough. But be glad you are strong enough to be doing the right thing. No contact is going to be so difficult for me

so are you doing no contact?

af, i won't, i want to more than is acceptably acceptable, but i won't.

slamin, I didn't post that to hurt you further

I can see you are hurting already

but I do think you are being too self-indulgently sorry for yourself, and forgetting about how badly you have behaved

you walked into this with your eyes open

so, in my no-nonsense way, I see you posting for "there-there's" and validation of how awful you are feeling

you should feel awful

but only for a little while, and then you should move on

and find a man that is not in a family with someone else...this bloke is a shit

you are not the first, and you won't be the last to be fucked over by someone you thought was your friend

you see, this thread lends weight to the argument that men and women are playing a dangerous game when they have friendhsips together that are too close

male/female friendships are fine

but only if they are on a level that is shallow, have no emotional tie-in, and the participants don't fancy the idea of fucking each other

good luck, slamin, and stop moping around now