I posted before about my unavailable friend that I was getting too close to, had some excellent advice that I knew was right and that I really really wanted to follow but I didn't. I let things develop further and I slept with him last week.
I think he was after a full on affair, has been telling me he misses me and can't stop thinking about me, sending me loving messages and generally acting like we were starting a relationship. I wasn't willing to enter into that but at the same time I wasn't ready to give him up so didn't tell him he couldn't be with me like that.
Last night he text me to say he missed me and was going to bed thinking of me and that we'd speak this morning. This morning I saw him and he mentioned that he was going to his girlfriend's graduation. It felt like a massive slap in the face. A big reminder that he has someone else that he is in love with and that he shares his life with. A big reminder that although he tells me he cares for me I am nothing.
I've now told him I can't do it anymore. That I hate myself for doing that to his girlfriend and that I deserve more. That I deserve to be number one to somebody.
I know this was the right thing to do and I should have done it before. But now I am hurting so much. It is going to be so difficult not having him in my life; I already miss him when I don't see him for a day or two. It's not just lust; he is a friend who is a big part of my life and who I really care about.
I know I deserve all this but I feel winded with pain right now