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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm really hurting right now and I know it's all my own fault but please come and talk to me

55 replies

slamin · 16/09/2010 11:54

I posted before about my unavailable friend that I was getting too close to, had some excellent advice that I knew was right and that I really really wanted to follow but I didn't. I let things develop further and I slept with him last week.

I think he was after a full on affair, has been telling me he misses me and can't stop thinking about me, sending me loving messages and generally acting like we were starting a relationship. I wasn't willing to enter into that but at the same time I wasn't ready to give him up so didn't tell him he couldn't be with me like that.

Last night he text me to say he missed me and was going to bed thinking of me and that we'd speak this morning. This morning I saw him and he mentioned that he was going to his girlfriend's graduation. It felt like a massive slap in the face. A big reminder that he has someone else that he is in love with and that he shares his life with. A big reminder that although he tells me he cares for me I am nothing.

I've now told him I can't do it anymore. That I hate myself for doing that to his girlfriend and that I deserve more. That I deserve to be number one to somebody.

I know this was the right thing to do and I should have done it before. But now I am hurting so much. It is going to be so difficult not having him in my life; I already miss him when I don't see him for a day or two. It's not just lust; he is a friend who is a big part of my life and who I really care about.

I know I deserve all this but I feel winded with pain right now

OP posts:
Original poster
slamin · 16/09/2010 18:57

I think I have to, otherwise it's just going to string out the healing. Before now I have resolved that nothing will happen and that I'm going to talk to him about the limits of our friendship, and then I see him and go all weak and forget about all my good intentions.

One day at a time I suppose.

AF is right-don't sleep with him, I thought I could handle it but today has shown me I really really can't.

OP posts:
Original poster
slamin · 16/09/2010 19:03

AF you are right, and as always I agree with your advice. But please allow me this one day of wallowing, it only happened today and it's still very raw.

Maybe I do want there theres, all I know is that talking about it is helping me deal with it. There are very few people I can admit what I have done to in rl because I know it's bad, I know I'm not an innocent victim in this and I am fucking ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2010 19:11

ok, you get one day Smile

Original poster
slamin · 16/09/2010 19:21

Thank you Smile

I am almost done whining anyway, and I haven't checked my phone for at least 10 minutes so there's progress Wink

OP posts:
skidoodly · 16/09/2010 19:24

Oh my God, this man is an utter, utter bastard.

He's totally playing you and involving your kids and he's betraying his girlfriend and her kids AND he's creating another unstable family situation for his own children.

He's toying with the feelings of (at least) two women and at least 6 children to feed his own ego.

Run the fuck away from him. He is not your friend. He's nobody's friend. You've been had.

AnyFucker · 16/09/2010 19:27

slamin...join me in a glass of red

and move on

Original poster
slamin · 16/09/2010 19:32
Grin

Skidoodly wish I could see him as a bastard...

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/09/2010 20:06

what else is he, slamin ?

oh no, better not get into that

because you are both as bad as each other Hmm

chilipepper27 · 17/09/2010 00:27

Hi, I think you are a really nice person who has made
a mistake but that doesn't mean it's all
your fault , this man is pathetic he is loving the fact that he can have his cake and eat it , he won't want you to get over him and will keep you hanging on with hints at being together , I think you deserve more than this and when you feel really low and want a hug off him
or want to see him again just remember he is knowingly being deceitful to
some One he is meant to care about (his gf) and he is hurting you and your dc all in all he is really not a
nice person you will get over him as long as you don't have contact with him then when your really happy in yourself you will find someone who will
treat you with all the love and respect you deserve

piratecat · 17/09/2010 19:49

how you doing slammin?

GeekOfTheWeek · 17/09/2010 20:20

How self indulgent are you?

Whinging on about you, your feelings and how you deserve more.

The only ones in the whole sorry mess that deserves more are the one whos partner you have fucked and the kids involved.

Shame on you. And him.

chilipepper27 · 17/09/2010 22:09

geek of the week i think you are being very harsh ,slamin knows she has made a mistake and is paying the price with the hurt she is feeling so laying into her more really isnt helping .everyone knows how much it hurts to love someone they cant have and everyone makes mistakes , slamin does deserve more and has come here for advice not to be verbally attacked

GeekOfTheWeek · 17/09/2010 22:15

She has fucked someone elses partner.

There are kids involved.

Her hurt is of her own doing and is not comparable to the misery she is potentially causing to others.

QS · 17/09/2010 22:21

Get a grip silly woman.

You slept with your best friend. Even if you didnt want a relationship with him. Even if he lives with his girlfriend and her kids.

You are the reason why women in relationships has such big problems with their partners having female friends.

I wish you had posted a few weeks ago, as there was a big thread about that particular topic.

Sorry, but you deserve this hurt.

chilipepper27 · 17/09/2010 23:04

yes she has fucked someone elses partner but someone elses partner has fucked her,women alawys get the blame when a man cheats but it takes two to tango and she has said in recent posts that she feels awful about it , true i wouldnt have much sympathy if she did it again but like i have said before we have all made mistakes in life nobody is a saint and her friend is as much to blame as she is , she knows she is in the wrong and she is paying the price now the best thing to do for herself her children and her friends partner is to never see him or speak to him again , i just think that she has come here for advice not a roasting

QS · 18/09/2010 09:29

My advice to her is to get a grip.

Nobody forced her to shag him. She did that of her own free will. She could have chosen to have some morals even if her friend did not.

GeekOfTheWeek · 18/09/2010 12:45

chillipepper, I am not not a saint and have made many mistakes. Shagging someone elses parner isn't one of them.

Women don't always get the blame but the bloke isn't posting on here whinging on about his hurt etc.

Imo my posts were not verbally abusive, they could be far far worse. And I did give advice, op get over yourself and stop being so selfish.

chilipepper27 · 18/09/2010 14:32

I can see your point of view geek of the week , sleeping with someone elses partner is something i have never done or will ever do I just read some oF her posts and felt sorry for her , I am a bit hormonal at the minute ds is ten weeks old and i think it's clouding my judgemen. And maybe I should stay away from the more controversial posts until I'm feeling normal again I am also sorry for implying you were being verbally abusive .

piratecat · 18/09/2010 15:07

chilpepper, it's ok to have sympathy with someone, hormones or not.

Original poster
slamin · 18/09/2010 17:31

Geek I think a month ago had I read a similar thread my reaction would have been the same as yours. One thing I have now learnt is that you never know how you will act in a situation until you are there. You can know what would be the right way to act but that doesn?t necessarily mean you will choose it. I had never slept with someone else?s partner before either.

I know I have behaved badly

I know I was wrong

I know I should have thought of her before now but until then she wasn?t really real to me. I knew he had a girlfriend yes but I was thinking of her in the abstract not as a real person with whom he was sharing his life. And any guilt I did have before was fairly easily quashed by the thought that if he didn?t have a problem with it then why should I. I?m not saying that was right, but I am being honest.

The main reason I had that wake up call was because of her, because I suddenly realised that she was real, that he was cheating on her with me and I felt guilty as hell. Of course I was upset that I couldn?t have him and that I wasn?t number one, who wouldn?t be. But the main reason I was feeling so awful was because it hit me what I was doing to her.

Yes the thread is self indulgent. Of course it is. It?s a thread by me about me and how I was feeling. Somewhere for me to let it all out and talk to people about what had happened. As I said earlier I couldn?t do that IRL because I was too ashamed.

And yes I do deserve better. I may not have made the right decisions in this instance but I am not a bad person. Nobody deserves to be less than number one for the person they are involved with.

It?s hard to have feelings for someone you can?t have, and harder when they have given you a thread of hope that you might be able to have them after all. I never said I didn?t want a relationship with him because I did (do) but NOT while he was with somebody else. I?m not trying to pass the blame to him, I know I should have known better and acted differently but it happened and I feel like shit about it.

Anyway, I?m moving on now, and probably won?t come back to this but wanted to respond to the last few posts.

OP posts:
tadpoles · 19/09/2010 14:10

Geek - curious here. Have you ever developed strong feelings/fallen in love with someone who was unavailable?

Why should the OP take responsibility for the fact that this bloke is messing around with her head? He may have been genuinely thinking about finishing it with the girlfriend but is now wavering. These things happen even in your black and white world.

QS: "You are the reason why women in relationships has such big problems with their partners having female friends" - err, do they? I don't. My partner can have a zillion female friends - if he choses to take it futher I would put the responsiblity 100% on him. I would not blame the OW one bit - in fact, I would consider she had very good taste because he's a catch.

In actual fact the OP does not owe anything to her friend's partner anything. Her primary responsibility is towards herself. And it sounds as though this is making her miserable, which is not what relationships are supposed to be about, although you might not believe it if you read these boards!

GeekOfTheWeek · 19/09/2010 15:51

Yes Tadpoles I have.

I had a full on sexual relationship with someone years ago that had a partner. Only I didn't know about the partner until I already had feelings. I ended it as soon as I found out.

1- I refuse to knowingly cause misery to someone else

2 - He effectively was lying to me too

3 - leopard and spots blah blah blah

The world isn't black and white by any means but moaning on when you are knowingly causing hurt to others seems wrong.

The op owes the wronged partner fuck all? Good job we don't all feel like that.

tadpoles · 19/09/2010 22:18

But the people you should feel angry with here geek are the blokes - why shift all the anger away onto the "other" woman? Despite all the protestations men do not get involved with women they are not interested in. Like I say, if my partner got involved with another woman, I would only be angry with him, even if he had lied to her, in fact especially if he had lied to her!

AnyFucker · 19/09/2010 22:24

Although the unfaithful blokes in this kind of situation should take all the blame for their behaviour, the OW is not blameless either

Particularly like in this OP, where she knew exactly what she was getting into

Some OW can be lied to, hoodwinked and fooled that things are not as they are

I am afraid the OP has none of that to mitigate her bad behaviour....

tadpoles · 19/09/2010 23:02

But AF - she does not ow anything to the partner of the man who is chasing after her! Sorry, but she doesn't, that is precisely the point I am making.