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Original poster

Wondering Eye Syndrome

64 replies

Chinghehuang · 14/09/2010 10:01

My DH always looks at other women whenever we go out together, I make a point of not going out with him for this reason as it is humiliating, he says I am being stupid and he is not looking at other women. What bugs me is that he does'nt look at older women just attractive younger ones, even when he is driving his eyes are wondering when he sees attractive females. I know this is a common problem for many couples as I often see men looking at my DD becasue she is attractive. I could'nt care less if he does it without me around but to keep making it obvious when we are out together anywhere is making my life miserable, I try to blot it out and not let it eat away at me. I just have low self esteem as a result. Who else has this problem?

OP posts:
pagwatch · 14/09/2010 10:07

is it wondering eye as in 'she's fit ...hmm I wonder'. Or wandering as in it wanders away from where it should be?

My Dh notices other women but so do I.I also notice good looking men and he occasionally will comment that a bloke looks especially handsome. Pretty people are nice to look at so it doesn't bother me.

I know he, like me would never act upon it so it isn't an issue
Does he really obviously letch so that you feel embaressed? If so he is being an idiot.

Taghain · 14/09/2010 10:23

All men do, it's just that some don't do it so obviously. Don't worry about it at all. My father still looks and he's over 80, been married for 60 years.

Original poster
Chinghehuang · 14/09/2010 10:23

Example: Go to a restaurant, table opposite or next to us has an attractive woman sitting there, he will constantly stare at her over my shoulder, I pick up on this and look around and sure enough there is an attractive lady he has noticed. So this continues for the whole time we are in the restaurant.

He's done it for years now and has never strayed as far as I am aware, of course it is natural to look at people of the opposite sex especially when they are fit and goodlooking but when DH makes a point of staring at younger women it is so humiliating. What I have observed though is when another woman notices him looking at them and they give him eye contact it's like I am invisible, quite funny really. I just wish I could understand why he does this all the time we are out together, what is he hoping for? Is this older male behaviour normal, are most men looking for something they can't have?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chinghehuang · 14/09/2010 10:28

Taghain, thanks for that, so do we just have to accept that it is part of a mans behaviour, if it did'nt make me feel so insecure I would'nt worry about it.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 10:34

I don't think you should just have to "accept" something so blatant

Of course men look at pretty ladies

Doing it so obviously when he should be concentrating on you is just fucking plain bad manners

I don't think it necessarily makes him a perv or more likely to stray (you don't give enough info to make a judgement on that) but it certainly makes him come across as a bit of a prick

Has no woman (or accompanying man) ever pulled him up on it

Where I live, if you do this often enough you will get a punch on the nose (and that's just from the women Wink)

RudeEnglishLady · 14/09/2010 10:34

I think that this is normal behaviour although if he's actually staring at people you might want to point out that staring is intimidating and unpleasant and will make the other woman think he's a pervert or perhaps mentally ill. That'll probably burst his bubble.

My DP is terrible for flirting with women of all ages 18 - 80. I think he likes the attention and I know he likes making people laugh. I just smile indulgently....

Original poster
Chinghehuang · 14/09/2010 10:42

Sometimes it's like he is in a trance and oblivious to me. I often hold his hand when he is doing it to embarrass him. Can anyone recommend any books on this male behaviour pattern?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 10:43

you don't need a book

just tell him to have some manners

Original poster
Chinghehuang · 14/09/2010 10:50

RudeEnglishLady, You are right it probably makes the people he stares at feel uncomfortable, I would move seats if someone kept staring at me if they were with their wives but I guess some women find it flattering if another man looks at them constantly. I'll just have to try and get over it and become more confident about myself, I have resigned myself to accept that if he ever has the opportunity to go with another woman let him go for good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chinghehuang · 14/09/2010 10:51

AnyFucker, you're right it is rude manners what he does, but when I confront him he says he is'nt staring at other women.

OP posts:
WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/09/2010 10:53

Smile indulgently? Like you would with a child? Hmm

This man is an adult and these atrocious bad manners should not be explained away by his gender, or the belief that this is something that "lots of men do". It is disrespectful and given what you've said, you cease to exist if he gets any reciprocation. Are you saying that he disengages from you and stops listening to you?

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 10:54

What this bloke needs is some well-muscled boyfriend of a young lady being stared at by him to punch him on the nose

perhaps that would get through to him ?? Smile

pagwatch · 14/09/2010 10:57

Ching
I don't think women that he is staring at are flattered. I suspect they are thinking 'why is that idiot staring at me' and 'why is that woman he is sitting with putting up with it'.

If I were eating out with DH and he was staring at another woman so much that a) they would notice and b) I was feeling neglected and embaressed I would get up and walk out. he would then have a great deal of work to do to put it right PLUS i would assure him that if he ever did it again I would be equally furious.

I would not be putting my hand over his.

Malificence · 14/09/2010 11:25

Whilst it's perfectly normal to notice and admire an attractive person, it's not nice or respectful (especially for the recipient of the gawking) to stare.

That said, if you had a good relationship and strong self esteem, I don't think it would bother you half as much as it does, the fact that it is making you miserable suggests a much deeper problem.

I'm afraid both DH and I were very guilty of gawking recently in Las Vegas, you just can't help it, practically all the waitresses in the casinos are gorgeous and they wear very little, when 6 of them fanned out in front of us, DH didn't know where to look first, his head was like an owls! I had a nice eyeful of some male eye-candy at the shows too.
If you are secure and happy in a relationship,with a partner who makes you feel attractive, window shopping isn't a problem - I'm a 44 year old , size 16 woman, no way can I compete with a 25 year old hottie with everything still pert and firm, I'd be far more offended if he tried to pretend he didn't notice them, he's a man, of course he noticed, if he didn't then I would point them out.

If he hadn't nudged me, I wouldn't have seen the two hot young male models with their tops off, showing off their buff young bodies in the entrance of A and F in New York, there was a crowd of middle aged women stood around with their tongues hanging out taking photos.

There's nothing wrong with noticing or an admiring glance - staring is very rude and disrespectful in a "normal" everyday situation though.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 14/09/2010 11:37

Everyone notices and looks at other people, I look at other people all the time, men and women, other people fascinate me.

But - you look, glance, then look away. You don't sit a dn stare through an entire meal, it's just fucking rude.

FIL is a bit like this. At 60 he will comment every single fucking time that an attractive woman comes on the television. "She's got nice titties" (REALLY) He doesn't gawk at anyone over 30....it goes on all the time when we visit, I don't know how MIL puts up with it.

Janos · 14/09/2010 13:10

As Malificence says, it's entirely normal to notice an attractive member of whichever sex you find appealing. Nothing wrong witha glance.

Staring blatantly is incredibly rude, both to the person you're with and yo the person being oggled.

It can also be quite intimidating/threatening.

Unlikelyamazonian · 14/09/2010 13:55

Easy answer to this one: My dear, start staring and licking your lips and feeling your crotch at EVERY SINGLE MAN who crops up on the horizon.

A bit of when harry met sally. I mean, even if it's the waiter/binman/gardener/any lorry driver who passes (swivel your head round and groan)
Dribble a bit if necessary. Wiggle around on your bum and say you need to go and 'sort yourself out in the ladies' because of that lush biker bloke in the corner.

What a fucking knob head.

If he continues after that then he perhaps needs glasses?

DuelingFanjo · 14/09/2010 14:01

What Pagwatch said.

Original poster
Chinghehuang · 14/09/2010 14:08

What generally happens he'll cotton onto a pretty woman, glance, then glance again, then glance & stare again & again, it's not just a one off look. I have stormed out of situations in the past because of this but he always says he is'nt looking at them. I think he goes into some sort of trance with or without me near him and is fantasising in his own little world. Thanks for some of the good points you have given me it is interesting to read how others view this behaviour. Maybe I am past my sellby date, I think a lot of men write their wives of when the wives reach a certain age and what they lust for is a younger version. Or maybe I am deluding myself and in reality my DH just does'nt fancy me like he used to.

Made a slight error in the title should read "WANDERING"

OP posts:
pagwatch · 14/09/2010 14:11

Ching

chicken,please stop looking for reasons in you that excuse his behaviour.
I am seven years older than my Dh and I have a face like a bag of spanners.

That is neither hear northere.
It is about love and respect.

He is being a twat and no - not all men do this. It is just childish and rude

Malificence · 14/09/2010 14:20

Chinge - does your husband show you that he still lusts after you? (I'd be willing to bet that he doesn't).

I don't mind my DH looking at attractive women because I know it's me he lusts after and still fancies after 28 years.

Original poster
Chinghehuang · 14/09/2010 14:31

I was in my GP's surgery recently and a very attractive young lady came in wearing a fairly short skirt, she had an amazing figure and promptly sat next to me. Opposite was an man aged around 60, he kept staring at this lady next to me, no one else just her, I could'nt help thinking if that was my DH opposite he would be doing the same thing. I felt sorry for the lady as she could'nt exactly move anywhere to stop this rather undesirable man from staring at her.
It was an interesting situation as this guy did'nt notice other people looking at him looking at her, also he did'nt look at me or the other older women in the surgery, why?
I don't know what this guy was expecting, maybe he was hoping the lady next to me was going to wink at him or blow him a kiss, I could not imagine for one minute that she would have been attracted to him. Why are some men so up their own arses?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 14:44

because they possess a penis and think it is some sort of fucking magic totem pole or summat ?

I dunno

some men are just led by their dicks...it doesn't mean it should be tolerated or that they shouldn't be pointed and laughed at...

Unlikelyamazonian · 14/09/2010 14:56

I see my sage advice has fallen on deaf ears.

I had a boyfriend who did the same as your DH once.

I hated it.

It was rude beyond compare and made me feel shit.

When I went off with another bloke he went MENTAL.

AnyFucker · 14/09/2010 14:57

we are listening, and learning, UA Smile